Missed Love Connections

3 05 2013

I read the craigslist missed connection quite a bit, like every day, because I find them entertaining. I’ve been doing it for about two years now and only once has one been for me, but I suppose that’s pretty good. I’ve found quite a few about friends and/or people I know though and that’s always a joy. The thing that I’m curious about today though is the concept of “being a good match.” For example in missed connections and online dating people use the phrase, “I think we’d be a good match,” like all the time, and I don’t get it.

dogs love

What makes you think upon barely, if perhaps not even, meeting a person that you’ll be good together? And what gives you the audacity to make that assumption out loud?

When I read these posts I think:

1. I don’t understand this kind of passion.

2. I will never experience this kind of passion.

3. Am I too smart to feel love?

4. Or am I too stupid?

5.Is wanting something better than having it?

6. Can the desire to have actually be more desirable than the literal holding?

I’m back in Kansas and all around me people are getting engaged, people are getting married, people are squirting out kids and when I mentioned this one particular engagement to my friend, of this specific—not very attractive in any sort of way person I went to high school with—she was like, you don’t even want that so what’s the problem?

The problem isn’t that I don’t want it. Because she’s right, I don’t necessarily want to get married or have kids, like ever, the problem is that these people at least have a basic understanding of how to love another person. Or so it seems. I don’t know the real reasoning behind their union, but I assume it’s out of some sort of desire for companionship.

Sex is easy. At least it’s easy right now as a mildly attractive, not quite old yet woman. But one day it won’t be. And honestly sex, though pleasurable, isn’t sustainable with a person when there isn’t more of a connection than that. Perhaps the problem is that I desire a sustainable connection but have no way of knowing how to get it. It could be that in regards to long-term commitment I still hold onto ideals. I am aware at this point that there is not a perfect soul mate out there and that any sort of continual thing will require work, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel that sort of lustlovepassiondesire for someone that I think other people feel towards each other.

Connections with me can never be missed because I do not allow for the connections to happen. There is a separation between who I am and what I feel. I feel things, yes, but there is a barrier that doesn’t let those feelings in all of the way, a protective insulation so to speak that keeps me safe, that keeps me functioning—at the basic level of functioning.

I see something and I think, goddess, I’ve really fucked up my life.

But not fucked-up enough to like be committed or want to kill myself (most of the time), just fucked up to the point where I don’t feel quite human.

Like, I feel everyone else gets it and I don’t.

I know I need to stop comparing. But isn’t that what humans do?

I think I’m thinking about it too much.

When I stop, it will all come together. That’s the rumor going around anyway. . .


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5 Randoms: Mermaid Suicidal Panty Raid

3 04 2013

1.) Celibacy

The other day I met another guy who claims to be practicing celibacy. I’m beginning to wonder if this is a line guys use to get women they’re not attracted to, to not hit on them. I met a guy once who was celibate and yet perfectly okay with getting blow jobs (I still don’t get how this is considered being celibate). In actuality I looked up the definition and what these guys are really doing is practicing abstinence, as all of them have had sex before and are not doing it for religious purposes. Regardless, it’s their own choice and if they feel better for doing it, good for them. I could take a few pointers from them as I’ve realized that this past year I’ve been living a very id-based existence (and I don’t even like Freud) but it has been mostly a focus on basic needs and desires, food, sex, numbing of abstract thoughts through the imbibing of alcohol. Lack on concentration, motivation, dedication even though I have an absurd amount of talent and intelligence that I should be utilizing in a more profound way. If I gave up sex and food that would give me a lot of free time to spend on more “important,” activities, like writing and making money for rent etc.

2.) Mermaids

This woman quit her day job to do a reverse Ariel. Instead of becoming human and marrying a prince, she became a mermaid and married her own tail. Okay, the last part of that sentence is not true, but her tail did cost like $15,000, which she probably made back after appearing at a Hollywood party staring JT and his wifey. I quit my job selling dildos to sit in my apartment on a computer all day looking for my mermaid job. Wee! I guess it would help to know what my “mermaid” career would be and then I could swim toward it.

classic mermaid drawing

3.) Panties

I’ve been thinking about selling my used panties to perverts. They’ll even pay extra for poop smears! How great is that? Hahaha. It’s not a career, but it could help me buy the beer I shouldn’t be drinking.

4.) Suicidal E Coli

Sounds like a good band name or at least, a band name (not sure how good it is). I read an article on Discover News, which basically talked about living creatures from the smallest bacteria to humans who often kill themselves to save the lives of those with similar genetics around them. There should probably be another word for this because when I think of suicide I think of depressed people who cannot continue living, not ants who implode themselves to prevent intruders from fucking with their family. It seems brave to kill yourself to help your relatives, but weak to do it because you hate your life. I mean, my life needs a serious makeover and it would be a lie to pretend I haven’t hid under my sheets and pretended to be dead at times, but I think I would prefer to rescue my (hypothetical) child from a burning building than to put my head in an oven because I’m bored.

5. I almost posted this with only four randoms, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!! Pretty sure I need to have my brain re-wired. Is that possible? I’d pay someone like $20 to do it.


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Marriage, Equality, and Sexy Poem Reading.

26 03 2013

1.) Am I the only one who notices it when people who have dated for awhile start to look like each other? They reflect each other’s mannerisms, often to the point of almost becoming that other person. I know this happens in friendships too. I read somewhere that you are most like the five people you’re closest to, which makes sense. The article suggests making sure those five people are positive influences, but surely it’s good to have at least one cynic?

2.) Looking out my window, I am like those spring flowers that just got pummeled by the snow. Bright, looking forward to the future, but slightly drooping, holding on for dear life.

3) I remember when my feminist friend decided to get married. Her argument was that by doing so, she and her partner could work on changing the institution from within. I hope that is what happens with marriage equality. I hope more relationship structures become accepted, and not necessarily just monogamous ones (regardless of gender).

marriage-equality

4) I have a job interview tomorrow! I haven’t had those generic interview-questions asked to me in so long–I can pull it off but it’s going to be an experience. It would help if it wasn’t so early in the morning, but at least I’ll get it out of the way and won’t have long to be nervous about it. I may very soon be putting books on shelves, woo!

5.) I was at the bar the other day and this woman came up to me and handed me a napkin, “here, I wrote you a poem,” she said.

“Somewhere there is a ___ of loving.

Where body is dismantled and

feeling takes hold.

What feeling takes on the special

feeling of desire

That feeling speaks louder than

words, or feelings, or thought,

Or sex, or love.

Let’s do what our bodies compel

Us to do.

For what is hot, is so fucking

Simple too.” ~Woman from the Bar

She should have put her number on the napkin, isn’t that standard?


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Philosophy Friday: Self-Regulating through Social Media.

22 03 2013

Thoughts on the Panopticon & Computers.

Are our computers the new “panopticon” regulating our behavior through self-regulation?

Have we gone so far as to not even need an “institution” to keep us docile?

Through social media we are creating a two-way mirror of judgment and individual normalization. Social media is the new internalized surveillance.

Foucault

The “panopticon” is basically an “all-seeing” observation tower that allows guards to constantly have prisoners under observation. Prisoners never know when they are being watched, thus they start supervising their own thoughts and behaviors and as Foucault says, a prisoner becomes the “principle of his own subjection.”

But now, we are in control of the (online) observation and we still allow said observations to occur. Perhaps it’s because we have all grown up in the world of the panopticon—it subtle or not so subtle—being the concept for how most major institutions function—prisons, schools, hospitals, key corporations etc. so we become so engrained with self-monitoring that we now purposely do it as part of our daily ritual.

We are creating an online persona to be monitored and though we may not track all of our behaviors from reality to the web, they still are connected—we are cyborgs at least in regards to our social lives. Our day-to-day is entwined with computer technology that it would be almost impossible to separate it at this point.

I am not saying that the weaving of our natural and technological lives is a bad thing, but I am suggesting that there is a power dynamic here that we might be overlooking. Are we at a point beyond the need to be controlled by some sort of hierarchy because we are actually controlling ourselves? There are few individual people who actually exercise power over a large population and maybe it’s because computers are doing it for us, in that we are maintaining our own subordination through self-regulating our personas online. We are keeping each other in check in an almost passive-aggressive sort of way.

Anyway, I feel like I’m on to something here but haven’t quite gotten there all the way. I would love other people’s opinions on the matter.


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The Sexiest Thing a Guy Can Do.

17 03 2013

(And it’s so easy!)

It’s not whispering sweet nothings in my ear, it’s not making 100K a year, it’s not being model fit with abs of steel, the sexiest thing a guy can do is make a decision.

I don’t think I’m alone with this desire either.

How many of us play this game:

via text messages, or phone conversations, or even just sitting around together. I know I have played it far too often and it usually ends with me getting annoyed and not wanting to go out at all anymore.

There are times when text messaging takes so long that I could have gone to the store, bought groceries, come back, cooked said groceries and eaten said food in the amount of time it took to figure out where we want to eat. It’s so not hot.

decisions

I understand that upon not really knowing another person well it may be more difficult because one does not know what the other person likes or where they would be good together, but please, if they like you and you like a place, there’s a big chance that they’re going to like that place too.

I just get so tired of the back and forth. Perhaps that’s why I went out with a dom for so long. He’d text me: let’s hang out. I’d say, okay. He’d say, I’ll pick you up at 8. And then we would go somewhere, no long submissive argument. And if I wanted to go somewhere specific, we’d go there, done.

Why is this so hard?

And why is this difficulty so common?

Does it actually come down to passiveness or is it the desire to please that makes these lack of decisions occur so often in our relations to other people?

I’m totally okay with picking something to do, but it should not always be one person deciding.

After doing this for years now, it’s beyond attractive to me now when people know what they want.

Decision making demonstrates a confidence that is very very sexy. We can worry about the sweet nothings, the 100K and the rock hard abs after we actually get somewhere together (and those traits will still not make a difference to me, but that’s another blog for another day).


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The Power of Wanting.

11 03 2013

ten-fundamental-human-needs_web

I’m going to take this time to work through a thought, it regards the concept of getting what one wants. I will admit outright that most of my life I have gotten what I want. But just wanting it alone never got it for me, I had to work for it, or at the very least I had to ask. Is the power of getting it deeper than wanting it alone? Does the power come from knowing deep down that you’ll get it? And only when that knowing is not fulfilled is the power shattered?

Has my power to get what I want, aka the deep-down knowledge of attainability vanished for good and if not how do I get it back?

What I’m really wondering is if all this time I’ve been hurt over the breakup not because it ended but because it didn’t end how I wanted it to. It actually didn’t play out like I wanted it to at all—and not just that specifically, but my whole future-want-acquire shattered, that goal which I had worked towards for many many years: the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect environment to thrive. It all looked perfect on paper too, Director of Marketing for a non-profit, in a loving relationship with one of those sensitive artist types, living in a town big enough to be considered a city (but wasn’t really one at all), a town that had breweries and bike lanes and mountains, oh my!

But it’s not really about that anymore. What it’s about now is whether I can overcome my shattered privilege and move on. Am I doomed to hold a grudge against the first person who really truly hurt me, who told me no, who could not, in the end give me what I wanted? Why am I still thinking about it? Mainly it seems unreal that someone could get over me so quickly, hahaha. Okay, okay. I KNOW that sounds super conceited and fucked up, but who wants to feel rejected? Particularly after putting so much time and commitment and energy into something. It’s like being pushed off a cliff and then after broken bones and a concussion and a bear trying to eat you, you still have to climb back up to where you started.

Perhaps that’s my problem after all. I’m trying to climb back up instead of taking the valley path along the river back into town.

So what? I didn’t get what I wanted. Boo fucking hoo right? Why be so dramatic about it? Forgive him already. Lesson(s) learned.

And I do forgive him. I forgive us. I forgive me. That last one is the hardest. I have to stop being so hard on myself for past decisions. They’re done. I made them. It’s what I thought was best for me at the time. Because of them I have grown into this wonderfully eccentric flower. Yes, it’s been hard re-evaluating what I want from life. Perhaps if I knew in more specifics that power would come back and I’d easily attain it like back in the old days. Perhaps I’m being a little more careful, a little more picky about my vision, my desires, my needs, this time around. As it should be, because if not that would mean I haven’t grown at all—isn’t that one of the values of one relationship ending, growing so the next one can be even better?

In the end, what I want in a vague sense is love—spiritual nourishment—from people, from my job, from the city I live in. That ability to help each other grow and flourish into the best we can be. I’ll start today with myself.


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7 Randoms: Here I Go Again On My Own (with others).

8 03 2013

20123_FlyingBirds

1. I don’t know what happened to my neighbor, either he died or went to jail, but either way his stuff was thrown all over the yard and just left there. Afterward people scavenged through it taking whatever they wanted and leaving the rest, the junk, the cardboard boxes, the old mattress—all of it is still sitting there. It weirds me out, he is obviously not an accumulation of his stuff, but when the stuff gets thrown out it’s as if that was all he had— he didn’t have anyone close enough to him to do anything with it. It seems disrespectful. Perhaps it was his karma, what do I know about the situation. All I do know is that I’d never want that much stuff nor would I want my stuff scattered all across a city sidewalk.

2. Lately I’ve been on this positivity kick. I like it. It’s growing on me. But what I’m trying to figure out is if there is a good quality level of positivity a person can have and if one can go overboard. Mainly because I’ve met a couple of people who are so chipper and quirky and positive that I think maybe they’re insane, but then I think maybe I’m just not used to being around people with that kind of energy. I don’t want to get fooled into thinking that’s what positive people act like when really that’s what crazy people act like. I suppose there’s nothing too wrong with that kind of nut-job anyway; it’s okay to live on another planet—the planet of positive power–while on earth right?

3. I’ve been reading an egh book on body language. Most of it is obvious, but there are a few things that I’ve never noticed about people before. I’ve been wondering if I change my physical stature, holding myself in more confident positions, if eventually my mental perspective will change with it.

4. There’s a job I really want in Portland. I will get it.

5. I watched a woman driving as if she never saw a bird in the road before. The car behind her was getting pissed because she kept stopping trying not to run over said bird. I have only on rare occasions not seen a bird move out of the way in time.

6. I have one week left selling dildos. In one years time I have managed to accumulate almost 20 of these contraptions. Just yesterday I concluded that the right vibrator can indeed replace a person, but only in regards to powerful orgasms, the rest—connection, intimacy, desire, lust, love, touch, comes from human to human contact, which basically says to me, throw a toy in the game when you play.

7. I had a dream that I was pregnant. I like literally saw and felt my stomach inflating. I suppose that would be nightmarish if I had not remembered that Madonna also had a pregnancy dream and her interpreter told her it did not necessarily mean a child so much as the creation of something new. A baby project in development. *wipes brow* Close one. Excited for this new creation, whatever it may turn out to be.


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