I read the craigslist missed connection quite a bit, like every day, because I find them entertaining. I’ve been doing it for about two years now and only once has one been for me, but I suppose that’s pretty good. I’ve found quite a few about friends and/or people I know though and that’s always a joy. The thing that I’m curious about today though is the concept of “being a good match.” For example in missed connections and online dating people use the phrase, “I think we’d be a good match,” like all the time, and I don’t get it.
What makes you think upon barely, if perhaps not even, meeting a person that you’ll be good together? And what gives you the audacity to make that assumption out loud?
When I read these posts I think:
1. I don’t understand this kind of passion.
2. I will never experience this kind of passion.
3. Am I too smart to feel love?
4. Or am I too stupid?
5.Is wanting something better than having it?
6. Can the desire to have actually be more desirable than the literal holding?
I’m back in Kansas and all around me people are getting engaged, people are getting married, people are squirting out kids and when I mentioned this one particular engagement to my friend, of this specific—not very attractive in any sort of way person I went to high school with—she was like, you don’t even want that so what’s the problem?
The problem isn’t that I don’t want it. Because she’s right, I don’t necessarily want to get married or have kids, like ever, the problem is that these people at least have a basic understanding of how to love another person. Or so it seems. I don’t know the real reasoning behind their union, but I assume it’s out of some sort of desire for companionship.
Sex is easy. At least it’s easy right now as a mildly attractive, not quite old yet woman. But one day it won’t be. And honestly sex, though pleasurable, isn’t sustainable with a person when there isn’t more of a connection than that. Perhaps the problem is that I desire a sustainable connection but have no way of knowing how to get it. It could be that in regards to long-term commitment I still hold onto ideals. I am aware at this point that there is not a perfect soul mate out there and that any sort of continual thing will require work, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel that sort of lustlovepassiondesire for someone that I think other people feel towards each other.
Connections with me can never be missed because I do not allow for the connections to happen. There is a separation between who I am and what I feel. I feel things, yes, but there is a barrier that doesn’t let those feelings in all of the way, a protective insulation so to speak that keeps me safe, that keeps me functioning—at the basic level of functioning.
I see something and I think, goddess, I’ve really fucked up my life.
But not fucked-up enough to like be committed or want to kill myself (most of the time), just fucked up to the point where I don’t feel quite human.
Like, I feel everyone else gets it and I don’t.
I know I need to stop comparing. But isn’t that what humans do?
I think I’m thinking about it too much.
When I stop, it will all come together. That’s the rumor going around anyway. . .