Well. I don’t sleep anymore. I blame it on the heat. And being SUPER excited about LIFE!!! Or, just the heat. Sitting on my porch at 2 in the morning on a Friday night is rather entertaining. I realized that people can’t walk properly at the time, it’s more of a hunchback-glide-stomp holding onto each other along the way home—or wherever they’re going.
Disappointed in myself. A group of people invited me to go swimming with them. And I declined. Mainly because they were all incredibly wasted and I wasn’t and I had a sneaking suspicion, since they were arguing about which way York was when they had just passed it, that they were going to attempt swimming but just get kicked out by the landlord or the police or whoever has more authority over drunk people at 2 in the morning.
But maybe I’m just not spontaneous. Maybe I’m a fuddy-duddy. There are things that I want to do but I won’t because no one will go with me—and that’s silly—I should just go. I’m just not that great at making new friends; I have a tough exterior and I’m judgmental. Not saying those are bad traits that I want to get rid of—everyone judges, it’s what keeps us feeling secure in our decisions–past, present, future.
I’ve been trying to get better about being “nice,” though. For example, last night two very tall too-tan too-much-boob-job strippers came in with mega frowns on their faces and in my head I was like, “I don’t want to help these bitches.” Because I could tell they worked at Penthouse and I could tell that everything’s always just been given to them and they feel they can treat people like shit because of it. But then I did a switch-er-oo in my brain; I told myself, “everyone has a story,” “deep down everyone is a little insecure about their relationships to other people,” “all they want to do is buy some shit and get the fuck out, so let’s do this TOGETHER.” And eventually they softened up. And they bought more than if I hadn’t helped them at all, so la-de-da, I’m learning.
(Also, is it weird that I can tell just by looking at women what strip club they work at though I’ve never even been to any strip club myself?… I think it is.)
So yeah, I guess what I’m saying is that I need to quit being so closed off and take more opportunities even if they’re outside of my comfort zone because they could lead to better experiences in life—and if not better, at least I’ll have a story or two.