I’m going to take this time to work through a thought, it regards the concept of getting what one wants. I will admit outright that most of my life I have gotten what I want. But just wanting it alone never got it for me, I had to work for it, or at the very least I had to ask. Is the power of getting it deeper than wanting it alone? Does the power come from knowing deep down that you’ll get it? And only when that knowing is not fulfilled is the power shattered?
Has my power to get what I want, aka the deep-down knowledge of attainability vanished for good and if not how do I get it back?
What I’m really wondering is if all this time I’ve been hurt over the breakup not because it ended but because it didn’t end how I wanted it to. It actually didn’t play out like I wanted it to at all—and not just that specifically, but my whole future-want-acquire shattered, that goal which I had worked towards for many many years: the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect environment to thrive. It all looked perfect on paper too, Director of Marketing for a non-profit, in a loving relationship with one of those sensitive artist types, living in a town big enough to be considered a city (but wasn’t really one at all), a town that had breweries and bike lanes and mountains, oh my!
But it’s not really about that anymore. What it’s about now is whether I can overcome my shattered privilege and move on. Am I doomed to hold a grudge against the first person who really truly hurt me, who told me no, who could not, in the end give me what I wanted? Why am I still thinking about it? Mainly it seems unreal that someone could get over me so quickly, hahaha. Okay, okay. I KNOW that sounds super conceited and fucked up, but who wants to feel rejected? Particularly after putting so much time and commitment and energy into something. It’s like being pushed off a cliff and then after broken bones and a concussion and a bear trying to eat you, you still have to climb back up to where you started.
Perhaps that’s my problem after all. I’m trying to climb back up instead of taking the valley path along the river back into town.
So what? I didn’t get what I wanted. Boo fucking hoo right? Why be so dramatic about it? Forgive him already. Lesson(s) learned.
And I do forgive him. I forgive us. I forgive me. That last one is the hardest. I have to stop being so hard on myself for past decisions. They’re done. I made them. It’s what I thought was best for me at the time. Because of them I have grown into this wonderfully eccentric flower. Yes, it’s been hard re-evaluating what I want from life. Perhaps if I knew in more specifics that power would come back and I’d easily attain it like back in the old days. Perhaps I’m being a little more careful, a little more picky about my vision, my desires, my needs, this time around. As it should be, because if not that would mean I haven’t grown at all—isn’t that one of the values of one relationship ending, growing so the next one can be even better?
In the end, what I want in a vague sense is love—spiritual nourishment—from people, from my job, from the city I live in. That ability to help each other grow and flourish into the best we can be. I’ll start today with myself.