krystalfawn

At 4:30 in the morning most roads are clear. When the sun rises and the light bounces off the mountains it’s hard to think of a better way to wake up.

The trip down was supposed to take 6.5 hours. I got there in 5.5. I swear I went nearly the speed limit the whole time.

It was good to trust my instincts and go. The drive itself was worth it more than anything. I needed to find out if this was about love or lust and proceed accordingly. Either way I felt fear. I was afraid that if it was love, my life was about to get incredibly difficult. I was afraid that if it was about lust I had just wasted a good amount of time, energy, and money to figure that out.

But nothing was wasted necessarily.

Of course, the outcome wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but more than anything it was what I needed.

I needed to realize that it would never work. That there were too many flaws in the whole idea.

Maybe I went there all along subconsciously knowing I was going to look for these flaws because I needed to get over it.

Maybe it was always the logical choice.

Because if I didn’t go I wouldn’t be able to move on.

And now I can. Even though it is still sad. Though, not entirely.

I’m more relieved than anything. No longer in the state of in-between.

Back to the game, but I’m not jumping in full-force. Re-focusing my energy of my self–my body and mind.

New plan:

Find a favorite yoga class to go to once a week–body.

Write at length every day–mind.

New rule:

Boys come last.

I’m obviously searching for connections with other humans; but I fear I’ve been wanting it too badly. Must give up and allow it just to be. To arrive organically. And if it never does I guess I’ll just Emily Dickinson-it the rest of my life.