22 +/- It all evens out. It always does.

29 02 2012

I haven’t been writing because I haven’t had anything to say. You know how they tell you, “if you don’t have anything nice to say. . .” and since people want me to be “more positive” I am now at a lose for words.

Why.

Because I am not positive.

I am not a positive person.

And I think people just need to get over it.

I am also not a negative person.

Just because I complain about something or am depressed or pissed does not mean I hate everything and everyone and myself.

It just means that I am upset at whatever it is that I’m complaining or depressed or pissed about. That one particular thing.

Though lately it has been a whole list of things—which is why I haven’t been on here—because I don’t know where to begin and if I start I may never stop.

And no one really wants to read about it.

But. Why not. I’m here. You’re here. Why not have a little go at it.

11 Things that I am depressed and pissed about.

1) I am pissed that I have two masters’ degrees and have yet to be able to use them to their full potential.

2) I am pissed that everyone cares so much about money.

3) I am depressed that I have to care so much about money to the point that I might even start doing things for money I never thought I would do. (Retail)

4) I don’t get why people sometimes will text back and sometimes won’t. Or sometimes message back and sometimes not. If you have an issue with me or are scared of me or don’t like me just fucking tell me. Ugh.

5) I am pissed at this table that was next to us while we were eating out. I don’t get why parents would not only allow, but also encourage their pre-teen daughter to make fun of other people in such close proximity to them at a restaurant. Learn some fucking judgment etiquette. Always do it from afar or at least do it quietly.

6) I am pissed that the internet goes in and out at my apartment all the time BUT on a positive it forces me to do other things, like read books and do yoga.  And we don’t really pay for it. So I can’t complain that much.

7) Why are there so few jobs available?

8) On different note, why do authors still put “he” as the dominant pro-noun. I still am depressed about this.

9) I don’t really like it when random people write comments on my blog about how I should live my life. I also don’t really like it when people I know do the same thing. Basically, I don’t really like people telling me what I should do. I will, most likely, do the opposite. But don’t try that opposite-trick on me either because I can always smell it.

10) My mom is driving me nuts. I know she’s going to read this, mom you’re driving me nuts. I’m doing all I can. And it’s okay for me not to be perfect. I spent 26 years of my life trying to be perfect, to do everything that I am supposed to do and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I was in a loving relationship, living in a nice apartment in a beautiful city, working for a non-profit that somehow mixed BOTH of my degrees and then it all fell apart. So now, it’s time to just be. And to be okay with just being for a year. I need a break from trying to be successful—which to most people directly correlates with making money—which I can’t do because there are no jobs. I got my undergrad in 3 ½ years and 2 Masters in 3 years. I think it affords me a year off, just saying. I did all of that way faster than most people. It’s time to take a breath.

11) What’s so wrong with taking a breath? It’s like if I’m not constantly doing something or making something or being somewhere there’s something wrong with me. I really can’t handle it any longer.

Okay.

So.

I took a breath. A long one. I went outside, got some air, took a walk.

Now. So I don’t seem like the most Negative Nancy of ALL time:

Here are 11 things that I love and make me happy.

1) Obviously even though they drive me nuts sometimes (as I do them) I love my family. It’s clear that they really care about me (and I them) and it is amazing to have that in my life.

2) Water. I love water. I love being made mostly of water, I love drinking water, I love swimming in water, showering in water, getting caught in the rain of water. I love beer made from the finest mountain water. The oceans, the rivers, the lakes, the ponds, even the puddles..

3) Running. Okay. I have a love/hate relationship with running. I love doing it and I love how I feel when I’m done running. I do not love the mental battle, the fight that it takes for me to get dressed and get out the door to go running. Also…I don’t like seeing other people run because my mentality switches to both jealousy and guilt.

4) The Sun. Oh yeah, I’m picking really easy ones to day, but the simplicity makes them all the more lovable. The warmth on my skin. The brightness it brings to my day.

5) Pickles. Seriously. If I could, like if I were rich or had an unlimited supply I’d probably eat at least a jar a day. Dill. Spicy. Bread & Butter. Any and all pickles.

6) Learning. I LOVE learning. Every day there’s something new to learn. Right now I’m focusing on a new language so I can start complaining bilingually wohoo.

7) My roommate. She’s fucking awesome. I don’t know how she puts up with me but she does so very well.

8) And with that, still being able to live in an apartment somehow, even though I don’t have a job. It’s rather magical actually. I’m not quite sure how it’s happening.

9) Music. Music has saved my life. This is not an exggeration. If I didn’t have certain songs in my life at certain times I probably would have jumped off a cliff. It’s about connection, knowing other people are going through the same experiences, feeling a part of something, being aware the feelings aren’t crazy or wrong or weird and even if they are, it’s okay because we’ve all been there at one time (which is why I’m drawn to writing but that’s a major love/hate relationship).

10) Drake

This song hasn’t really gotten me through much, but I still love it and it makes me happy.

11) Checking myself. Sure, there’s a lot out there that pisses me off and depresses me but I definitely have my share amount of privileges; white in the U.S. living in an apartment with internet access, my own computer, food to eat, clean water to drink, access to gain knowledge via library/countless books/google, friends, family, a car, a tv, a clean bill of health. Yeah. It ain’t so bad.





10 Random Thoughts: I Could Be Your Zombie.

24 02 2012

1) It smells like a cigarette in my apartment, which I find strange because we don’t smoke cigarettes in the apartment. I think there’s someone working on the basement apartment and he keeps smoking cigarettes and the smoke keeps drifting up here. What an ass. Also–the basement apartment is for rent if any one wants to live below me and be my cool new neighbor (who also happens to make/bring me coffee in the morning).

2) My feet are cold.

3) Why is it just my feet? What’s wrong with my feet!!!!

4) I think I need to go for a walk. Maybe it will help circulate the blood flow in my body a bit better and maybe it will help me get out of this funk.

5) I don’t know why I’m in a funk, I could guess though. It probably has something to do with razor burn. Nope, wait. Not razor burn. Not having a job. I guess there’s a lot more worth connected to money/ability/career than I care to admit. Also I have a looming presence that basically makes me feel guilty for not being as successful as everyone else who has some how managed to get a job. Any job.

6) I don’t want any job. You can read that whichever way makes you feel better.

7) I want to bite someone.

8) No really, like a vampire. Though I am willing to bite the person pretty much anywhere, not just the neck. I am hungry for flesh!!!

9) No. I am not a zombie.

10) Though, I do have a black soul.

Please enjoy this by not enjoying this. I mean, please don’t enjoy this just because you think you should not enjoy this. Wait. I don’t know. But here you go anyway.





Giving. Up.

23 02 2012

I grew up without a strong religious background. My mom has actually said to me that she regrets not taking me to church. Now I don’t know if this comment comes from me being a completly immoral person or from the fact that I don’t believe in the father almighty god up above.

Either way. My mom and my mom’s side of the family is catholic.

And my dad’s is like a non-practicing “christian,” I guess. I don’t know. I have never really discussed my dad’s religious beliefs with him.

What I’m getting at though is not necessarily believing in some higher-power, though it’s fine and dandy if you do or your don’t.

It’s the beauty of rituals.

When you have no religion, you also don’t have any rituals. Unless you create them for yourself. Or find them in something else.

Capitalism is a perfect example of finding rituals in something else. . .and capitalism so often directly correlates with religious events–Christmas is a prime example. You don’t have to believe in “god” to believe in Christmas. The ritual of shopping on Black Friday, the ritual of opening presents etc. etc.

What I like though are the religions that give things up.

So. The catholics, as an example, with their over-indulgences on Fat Tuesday followed by a supposed fasting on Wednesday then 40 days without something.

I may not believe in their beliefs but I believe that there could be something to some of these ritualistic types of behaviors.

I think our over-indulgent, narcissistic, pleasure-seeking country could use more giving up.

I don’t know if we give giving-up enough credit.

There’s something in the letting go that seems to be not just spiritual but necessary for health.

I read somewhere that people actually live longer if they eat less. And that it’s good to fast often.

I feel like giving up something for whatever length of time helps reveal if that thing is necessary to a fulfilling life. For example, I gave up meat. And I don’t need it to feel complete.

Here are some things I’m currently considering giving up:

Alcohol

Facebook

Salt

Stress

Sex

Dating

Work (oh wait, already did that)

Coffee

Sugar

Negativity

Yeah, I could probably live without all of those things, but what would I miss? If I gave them up how long would I be able to go without before caving in? Which one should I try first? I’m thinking about de-activating my OK Cupid profile because I’m tired of dating. And I think I might be addicted to dating, which is a terribly boring thing to be addicted to. I feel like I should focus more of my time on developing stronger relationships with my friends I already have, the problem is I’d have to give up on my other website devoted to bad online messages. If someone would want to take it over for a month or two that would be awesome!

Also I’ve been drinking too much. This is directly related to my social life. Yes. I am aware I do not NEED to drink to have fun. But I do have fun when I’m drunk. So, if I gave up drinking for like 2 weeks or a month or something perhaps I could re-learn how to balance it a little bit better in my life. I can replace drinking with dancing. Maybe I’d lose my now well-developed beer belly.

In the end, I’ll probably just give up, giving-up. Because old habits die hard. As the cliche goes.

Maybe I should give up cliches.

That would at least improve my writing. . .





Jessica: Making Sexy Expensive for Justin.

22 02 2012

I was quite disturbed to wake up this morning and find this story in my newsfeed about Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake. She wants him to sign a pre-nup that says he has to pay $500,000 if he cheats.

Ugh.

There are multiple issues I have with this entire story.

1) Why are they engaged to begin with? 

I thought Justin had transformed over the years to an actually pretty cool guy. I was not a fan of his during the N S Y N C days being a JC lover myself, but after realizing he’s hilarious (via SNL) and no longer talks like a pre-pubscent boy, (not to mention the fact that he was brave enough to “bring sexy back” from wherever it was hiding) I have become more of a fan.

And let me be clear, I have no clue what it’s like to be a celebrity or what either of them are really like. I do feel kind of weird being all judge-y about this anyway, though celebrity culture is a reflection of our society that helps us analyze and deconstruct the world around us, so though they are real people they are also symbols and representations that need to be discussed. That being said, I remember a story about her where she explained the reason she wasn’t getting better movie roles was because she was “too pretty.” Too pretty. Not that she couldn’t act or the parts weren’t right for her, but that the world was picking on her because she was way too beautiful and no one in Hollywood stand it.

Umm.

What?

Classic narcissist.

Seems like a really big red flag.

Though the pre-nup is an even bigger one.

2) Love + Money = Not Love. 

Yes. We unfortunately live in a capitalistic society where money is valued more than people. But 500,000 for cheating is incredibly insecure even for the most monogamous untrustworthy of relationships. Would it make a difference if the clause was for less money? Not to me, because the whole idea of a cheating clause is ridiculous and sad. And if I were to sign something like that and I had as much money as JT the first thing I’d do is go out and sleep with someone else just to try to get away with it.

3) Monogamy and Movie Stars. 

You know how all non-celebrities have a list of like five celebrities that they could sleep with and it not be considered “cheating?” What happens if you are a celebrity? Do celebrities get a list of like five non-celebrities that they could sleep with? Or can they also make the same list but it just happen to be more of a reality? Seems like any time you’re working in close proximity and potentially having sex scenes and such on camera there’s going to be chemistry that develops. Does it really hurt the other one when those sex scenes happen? They’re not there and it’s supposedly considered “acting,” but even if it wasn’t acting and it happened who does it hurt?

If I am, as an example, dating June (made up person) but spending my day with Jack ( another made up person) and I happen to touch Jack, to kiss Jack, how does that hurt June who is not there anyway? My question is, what is it about physical signs of affection that seem more powerful and hurtful than emotional or spiritual connections with others? What’s so wrong about getting rid of the list and experiencing people for who they are and what they have to offer to us in all the different capacities of relationship construction? I don’t own June, June doesn’t own me. Seems like Biel is trying to own Justin. And I don’t think Justin seems like the type of person who wants to be owned (though maybe occasionally in a deep dark dungeon somewhere with a mistress and a whip; yeah I just made that up cuz it sounded hot.)

4) What Goes Around. . .

And what about her?

How is such a beautiful woman going to be able to resist her temptations? Will she have to drop dollars if she transgresses? And if not, why?

5) Put a Ring on It?

Could we maybe just stop putting such an emphasis on marriage? I know I’m in a minority here but I just find the institution outdated and unnecessary for most couples generally. It works for some. But it doesn’t work for all. And maybe if less celebrities kept tying and untying the knot people could begin to realize alternatives that could work better for them. Maybe the 500Kgrrrl could end up becoming part of a triad with Jessica and JT? I wonder who 500Kgrrrl is going to be? We should probably start placing bets now. Because that much insecurity at the beginning of a relationship cannot possibly be healthy or help the relationship stay strong (or long).





Nothing. New. Here.

22 02 2012

I haven’t been busy per say, but I have been distracted. Birthday distractions + dating distractions.

I think I have a date lined up for almost every night this week. I at least have something planned for every day this week, which is pretty intense.

Last week was amazing, with the goth party and my birthday and The Haircut/Cougarpants rocking out at Unit E/getting a huge bruise on my ankle while moshing, etc.

This week though, I think all the drinking has caught up with me, plus the poor eating–too much junk food sitting around; I have to admit I’m slightly depressed. I don’t really feel like writing at all and am only doing it because if I don’t I’ll feel even more depressed for not being productive.

I NEED A JOB!!!!

Who wants to give me one?

I’ll work as hard as you do.

Whatever that means.

Money.

I hate money.

And I hate how we all have to get it by doing things we don’t really care about.

Not a new argument. I know.

You know what, we should just dance around in our socks.

I think I can find a way to make money doing that. If I try really hard I can come up with something… just you wait and see!

Here are some videos you probably missed because you’re not subscribed to my channel.

I got a package.

And I already have 1 dislike. I know how to do it. What what.





My. Day. Of. Birth.

16 02 2012

Here is series of videos for your enjoyment.

And I would ask that you watch them on youtube so I can maybe make some cents/sense IDK.

Pre-drunk.

Drunk. Very drunk.

Morning. Hangover.

More to come later.

This is now later.





5 Random (almost positive) Thoughts: Goths, Wheelchairs, Birthdays, Sex.

16 02 2012

(Ok, no sex, I just wanted you to click on it.)

Goths

Last night was amazing. People here in Denver are so great. We had a Satan’s Black Hearts Anti-Valentine’s Day party and everyone got into it. We painted our faces and we growled. We  growled like every word we said ALL night long. I want to go back and do it ALL over again! And we sang the shot’s song heavy metal style. It was beautiful. Oh. My. Goth.

1 Year Contracts

This morning over coffee/tea my friend, who crashed here last night (lots of people crashed here last night) and I were talking about relationships. And, we, of course, got into the discussion over polyamory/monogamy etc. and he mentioned how he was reading about this guy who kept having a series of 3-year-long relationships with women. Prior to the relationship even starting he’d always point out that no matter how well they liked/loved each other, no matter how stellar they were together, after 3 years, it would end. When it did, some of the women were upset, most were accepting and knew it was coming. The best part–they always stayed friends after the “break-up.”

Anyway. My friend said that he’d want to do that with someone but only make it a year. So you get to spend every season together. You get to make the most of it because there will be no other spring, winter, fall, summer to be together ever again.

And I LOVE this idea.

A one-year-love-contract.

My roommate said she didn’t understand why it would be necessary, why you couldn’t just be together and see where you ended up. But I think it makes total sense. The imminent end makes the relationship spark and the actual knowing of the end makes it at least slightly easier to handle when it does in fact end.

I am of course aware that this is not as cut and dry and simple as it seems. But I seriously want to give this a try with someone. I am currently taking applications.

Beetlejuice

What a fantastic cast! I forgot how much I love that movie. Alec Baldwin looks SO much different it freaks me out. I love the surrealism of it. The morbidness is also fascinating. And of course, the clothing. Can’t beat Winona Ryders hats.

Wheelchair Guy

Okay. So. Every day I sit at my computer and I try to write etc. and every day I see this guy in an electric wheelchair zoom by. He is by far my favorite character. Because he doesn’t just zoom by like one time as if he just got off work and is zooming home. He zooms around like zooming is his work. I have several wheelchair guy stories but today may top it. Today he was attempting to zoom but then, he just stopped. In the middle of the alley. And could zoom no longer. At first I couldn’t figure out if he was just letting his wheelchair take a breather or if he was indeed stuck in the alley. So, like any good spy I just sat by the window and stared at him. For like 10 minutes, he just sat there and I just sat there staring at him sitting there. Then this bright yellow VW bug tried to turn into the alley and I realized he was indeed in capable of moving. The bug and the wheelchair guy just stared at each other for like 2o seconds until someone waiting at the bus stop ran over and pushed the wheelchair guy out of the alley way.

He zoomed off.

But then.

He got stuck again! 

Right in the middle of the sidewalk. It was unbelievable. The zooming wheelchair guy was having a terrible terrible day.

Which should be a sign to the Denver street cleaning team that they need to get their shit together. Maybe instead of writing about in the blog I should write them a letter instead.

Perhaps I will.

But I seriously couldn’t help but find the whole scene delightfully and disturbingly entertaining. I truly hope he also has a pretty good sense of humor because though that would be incredibly frustrating and if it happened to me like that I would probably want to kill myself he seems to still power-through every day, he gets out and he deals with it and that’s fucking awesome. He gets out way more than I do. I should probably learn a lesson from him.

I do hope that we in fact one day meet and converse.

27

That is how old I am turning. Yes, it is basically my birthday. And it’s weird and I don’t know really what to think about it. Of course, my mom has requested for my birthday that I become more positive. Which, since she was the one who had to do all the work in this situation of my being born and all, I suppose it’s the least I could do. As a sort of courtesy for her. So yeah to getting older, learning lessons, becoming wiser like an owl or something. I am also not too old for presents if you’d like to send some my way ❤

(this is happening at midnight stay tuned for vlog)