22 +/- It all evens out. It always does.

29 02 2012

I haven’t been writing because I haven’t had anything to say. You know how they tell you, “if you don’t have anything nice to say. . .” and since people want me to be “more positive” I am now at a lose for words.

Why.

Because I am not positive.

I am not a positive person.

And I think people just need to get over it.

I am also not a negative person.

Just because I complain about something or am depressed or pissed does not mean I hate everything and everyone and myself.

It just means that I am upset at whatever it is that I’m complaining or depressed or pissed about. That one particular thing.

Though lately it has been a whole list of things—which is why I haven’t been on here—because I don’t know where to begin and if I start I may never stop.

And no one really wants to read about it.

But. Why not. I’m here. You’re here. Why not have a little go at it.

11 Things that I am depressed and pissed about.

1) I am pissed that I have two masters’ degrees and have yet to be able to use them to their full potential.

2) I am pissed that everyone cares so much about money.

3) I am depressed that I have to care so much about money to the point that I might even start doing things for money I never thought I would do. (Retail)

4) I don’t get why people sometimes will text back and sometimes won’t. Or sometimes message back and sometimes not. If you have an issue with me or are scared of me or don’t like me just fucking tell me. Ugh.

5) I am pissed at this table that was next to us while we were eating out. I don’t get why parents would not only allow, but also encourage their pre-teen daughter to make fun of other people in such close proximity to them at a restaurant. Learn some fucking judgment etiquette. Always do it from afar or at least do it quietly.

6) I am pissed that the internet goes in and out at my apartment all the time BUT on a positive it forces me to do other things, like read books and do yoga.  And we don’t really pay for it. So I can’t complain that much.

7) Why are there so few jobs available?

8) On different note, why do authors still put “he” as the dominant pro-noun. I still am depressed about this.

9) I don’t really like it when random people write comments on my blog about how I should live my life. I also don’t really like it when people I know do the same thing. Basically, I don’t really like people telling me what I should do. I will, most likely, do the opposite. But don’t try that opposite-trick on me either because I can always smell it.

10) My mom is driving me nuts. I know she’s going to read this, mom you’re driving me nuts. I’m doing all I can. And it’s okay for me not to be perfect. I spent 26 years of my life trying to be perfect, to do everything that I am supposed to do and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I was in a loving relationship, living in a nice apartment in a beautiful city, working for a non-profit that somehow mixed BOTH of my degrees and then it all fell apart. So now, it’s time to just be. And to be okay with just being for a year. I need a break from trying to be successful—which to most people directly correlates with making money—which I can’t do because there are no jobs. I got my undergrad in 3 ½ years and 2 Masters in 3 years. I think it affords me a year off, just saying. I did all of that way faster than most people. It’s time to take a breath.

11) What’s so wrong with taking a breath? It’s like if I’m not constantly doing something or making something or being somewhere there’s something wrong with me. I really can’t handle it any longer.

Okay.

So.

I took a breath. A long one. I went outside, got some air, took a walk.

Now. So I don’t seem like the most Negative Nancy of ALL time:

Here are 11 things that I love and make me happy.

1) Obviously even though they drive me nuts sometimes (as I do them) I love my family. It’s clear that they really care about me (and I them) and it is amazing to have that in my life.

2) Water. I love water. I love being made mostly of water, I love drinking water, I love swimming in water, showering in water, getting caught in the rain of water. I love beer made from the finest mountain water. The oceans, the rivers, the lakes, the ponds, even the puddles..

3) Running. Okay. I have a love/hate relationship with running. I love doing it and I love how I feel when I’m done running. I do not love the mental battle, the fight that it takes for me to get dressed and get out the door to go running. Also…I don’t like seeing other people run because my mentality switches to both jealousy and guilt.

4) The Sun. Oh yeah, I’m picking really easy ones to day, but the simplicity makes them all the more lovable. The warmth on my skin. The brightness it brings to my day.

5) Pickles. Seriously. If I could, like if I were rich or had an unlimited supply I’d probably eat at least a jar a day. Dill. Spicy. Bread & Butter. Any and all pickles.

6) Learning. I LOVE learning. Every day there’s something new to learn. Right now I’m focusing on a new language so I can start complaining bilingually wohoo.

7) My roommate. She’s fucking awesome. I don’t know how she puts up with me but she does so very well.

8) And with that, still being able to live in an apartment somehow, even though I don’t have a job. It’s rather magical actually. I’m not quite sure how it’s happening.

9) Music. Music has saved my life. This is not an exggeration. If I didn’t have certain songs in my life at certain times I probably would have jumped off a cliff. It’s about connection, knowing other people are going through the same experiences, feeling a part of something, being aware the feelings aren’t crazy or wrong or weird and even if they are, it’s okay because we’ve all been there at one time (which is why I’m drawn to writing but that’s a major love/hate relationship).

10) Drake

This song hasn’t really gotten me through much, but I still love it and it makes me happy.

11) Checking myself. Sure, there’s a lot out there that pisses me off and depresses me but I definitely have my share amount of privileges; white in the U.S. living in an apartment with internet access, my own computer, food to eat, clean water to drink, access to gain knowledge via library/countless books/google, friends, family, a car, a tv, a clean bill of health. Yeah. It ain’t so bad.

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