Why I’m Not Having Sex (with you).

28 03 2012

I just got an email from Health.com that read, “10 Reasons Why You’re Not Having Sex” and I’d just like to point out that they are wrong. Those are not the 10 reasons why I’m not having sex.

These are the 10 reasons I’m not having sex.

1.) I am alone.

Currently I am living the single life. I know this doesn’t usually stop people, but lately I haven’t really felt like giving it up to randoms.

2.) My bed is too comfortable.

I sleep diagonally and I really don’t want anyone to ruin that for me.

3.) My lack of meds is turning me into a crazy person.

I went off birth control at the beginning of October and it’s turned me a little nutty. Mood swings, up and down desires, zits, emotional roller-coasters, fun times such as that. I’m glad that I’m getting it out of my system but since my period isn’t regular yet, I don’t want to add any one else to my potential “baby-daddy” list right now.

4.) My not-very-busy life-style. 

I am boring. The end.

5.) I am too sexy.

The article talked about body-image issues and you know what, I’m tired of that excuse. We all have our hang-ups. There are things I don’t like about my body (depending on the lighting) but I accept my body and I try to take care of it–and if that’s not good enough for someone else than they don’t deserve to enjoy it.

6.) I’m addicted to my vibrator! 

Well, not yet, because I just got it last night. But I could be very soon and I’m okay with that. It’s safer, more reliable, we don’t have to talk about anything, I can change the speed and pulsation at a click of a button, it fits in a drawer, it’s a one-time purchase that will last me for years without any arguments. So yeah, addicted–no, but I don’t see the problem with it being my source of orgasm as opposed to some stranger I could pick up at a bar (and then not even get off with).

7.) I smell.

Maybe people just aren’t attracted to my pheremones or my hairy armpits.

8.) I’m a cyborg!

Part of the problem is that I spend too much time online and not enough time in the real world. Sure, I have plenty of online dating messages, but none of them ever seem to pan out, even after we meet. Perhaps online dating creates too much pressure, or it just feels forced, or the connection is just never there.

9. Crushed-Out.

I can’t decide if I have a crush on this one particular person or if I actually do not. If I do then I’m going about it all wrong. If I don’t than it’s all fine and dandy. I don’t know if this is necessarily preventing me from having sex, but it’s in the back of my mind when I meet other people. Not that I care to ever be monogamous again, but developing a stronger relationship with some people over others is still a priority for me-if said person is worth that stronger development.

I know that I shouldn’t have a crush on this person because we’re actually probably not a very good fit. We each have other more compatible people out there in the world for us. But I can’t help it. And it’s sad to me when a crush fades so maybe I’m just trying to hold onto that feeling because I like the feeling, not because the crush is ever going to develop into anything.

10.) I am lazy (and picky) 

Sex takes a lot of effort and energy and time and care and consideration. And I don’t think I have much of any of that right now. So. Besides my on-going affair with Tango I plan to stay sex-free for awhile.

So take THAT Health.com I don’t need to do it with anyone else to be happy and content and fulfilled. I mean, yes, it could be nice, COULD be, but I’m not going to get all worried about it if it’s not happening with anyone. I’ll just be happy and content and fulfilled with myself.

5 Random Thoughts: Cock Blocked by Cocks Blocked.

27 03 2012

1. Hot Hot Hot

So I was looking through craigslist job postings and I came across an ad for bikini barista. I do not understand. Why does anyone need bikinis with their coffee? And what woman would want to be nearly nude serving scalding hot beverages every day? Sounds like disaster waiting to happen. Do dudes really need boobs so early in the morning? Want a boner on your way to work? Sure, why not, boners go great with hazelnut lattes. I’m going to open a bar where guys have to stir ladies drinks with their dicks (with condoms on of course) because you know, like, it would be a huge success. Ugh. Wait. Not.

2. Zzzzzz

Speaking of snakes. Last night I had another weird dream. This time a certain ex “accidentally” let this incredibly huge snake out of its cage and the snake attempted to attack me with its fanged mouth. I caught said snake and held it by its head so it couldn’t poison me, but it kept writhing and spazing and squirming. The craziest thing was that it was rainbow colored and also like a hybrid cobra/viper because along with trying to bite me it also attempt to wrap its body around my arm. The ex just kept running around trying to find something to kill it with, he never found anything, then I woke up.  (So many things to analyze here!)

3. Men Suck but it’s because of Women, duh

A facebook friend posted this article, 5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women. Most of it I agreed with, but by the end I felt that the entire thesis was: men hate women because women actually have more power than men because men can only think about sex. And that’s why men do EVERYTHING because they’re trying to impress women and get laid. I feel that the article, in a way, was trying to make men’s domination excusable. And I can’t agree with that. I also don’t believe all that men think about is sex and everything they do– learn guitar, become CEOs, play sports, etc– is related entirely to impressing the opposite sex. That makes men seem to lack complexity and I don’t that that’s a fair interpretation. Sure, the media/society helps constructs certain ideals and social behaviors, but that same media is generally run by men, so it’s really their fault these ideas are still so entrenched in our society. Perhaps it’s not about impressing women so much as staying in power and allowing women to stay sex object trophies. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

4. Too Shy or Maybe I’m Not Fly

It’s sort of a weird transition because it actually goes against everything that article was about, but I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now. In truth, I’ve been analyzing it since becoming newly again single after 5.5 years. Perhaps I’m going to the wrong places and meeting the wrong dudes but I feel every guy I’ve met I’ve had to initiate everything: conversation, phone number, dates, sexy time etc. Maybe it does relate to the #1 in the article when it talks about guys feeling that they’re told that they’re “owed a hot girl.” Everyone wants everyone to do all of the work; to be the assertor, to shower the other with compliments and prove that the other is desirable. This is a huge problem. Maybe our generation was raised with too much entitlement? But I’m finding it tiring to be the one who puts effort into asserting my likeness for another with very little reciprocation. Shared effort would be much appreciated. I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I’m not like-able enough.

(I probably just need this hat)

5. Oh, Oh, She’s Crafty

Having a job is weird. When I have days off now a part of me still feels guilty for not doing much, even though I’m at least now making a little bit of money.

When I have a day off I have to work at being content with how I spend that time and not stress that I didn’t get something done.

Perhaps this is a common problem? Many of us want to accomplish so many different things that when they’re not done by a certain day we feel guilty about it, which in turn can take even longer to get done because we allow the stress to take more of our time than it should. I don’t know. It’s just a theory. I have a billion different things I’m working on right now, but I’m just going to work on them as I feel like it and when they’re complete, they’re complete.

Fashion Police… I need Your Vote.

26 03 2012

1, 2, or 3?

I got a new skirt from goodwill. It has the coolest zippers. And yes. It’s white. Not sure if I can really pull it off…so tell me which shirt goes best!

1) Pattern

2) Gray

3) Red Lace /Black

Accessory tips will also be appreciated.

Thanks for your opinion in advance.

10 Random Thoughts: I am a Lizard.

22 03 2012

1. I thought that I would hate working in retail, but here’s the kicker, I don’t. Probably because I’m selling sex toys which just creates a weird environment within itself. It feels very Empire Records to me, though I don’t know what character I would be…probably the bitchy one with the shaved head NOT Liv Tyler or Sexy Rexy. Now I want to watch that movie again.

2. I’m going to Boulder this afternoon to go on a hike. I’m sort of hoping for a revelation but if I just get a good workout that’s will suffice.

3. It’s so dry here and my allergies have been crazy lately that I just look like I’m stoned all of the time. I am not stoned all of the time.

4. FYI Sour Patch Bunnies look EXACTLY like Sour Patch Kids.

5. I just started yelling out my window at runners; this is probably not a good habit to get into.

6. I finished the book Cloud Atlas a few days ago. It’s SO good. You have to get past the first section for it all to start making sense. My good friend Lizz suggested it–she obviously has good taste.

7. I think I found the one. Her name is Claudia. She is quiet yet very powerful. She can go for hours. Claudia keeps all my secrets and never gets into arguments with me. The only problem with Claudia is that she cost $145 and that’s like a billion hours of work to afford her. I may have to step next door to Shot Gun Willies and become a “cocktail” waitress. Vrrrroooomm!

(this is the jimmyjane form two…in case anyone else wants one too)

8. I’ve been wondering if “splash proof” is code for “squirt proof” but I haven’t asked anyone.

9. I just saw a woman hopscotch down the sidewalk. I love it when old people step out of “adulthood” for a moment. I’m glad I’m not the only big grrrl who does that.

10. I want a new album to obsess over. I love EMA. I love MIA. Robyn. Fiona. Missy. But I need something else to play on repeat over and over. Any suggestions?

Single Them Out and Find Me a Blind Date Love Connection.

21 03 2012

Was there ever a dating show where other people selected dates for the contestant? I mean, the classic Love Connection voted on the 3 but had no real say. Singled Out at least narrowed it down a bit. Blind Date…sssooo gggooooddd. Pretty sure a girl from my high school was on that once. It was set in California so almost everyone was a “struggling actress” of some kind. I am not an actress; I am struggling though, so there’s that.

I want someone to log into my OKC account and pick me a winner. I am serious.

If done right this would be an amazing dating show. Best friend’s Choice.

Oh, I remember now there was a show on MTV awhile ago where a parent went on the date with the couple. That was awkward. I’d let my mom pick out a guy (which she has and that didn’t go over well–not her fault, the guy was just crazy) but I would never go out with a person AND my mom at the same time. Now, if she wanted to go on the first date for me and I wouldn’t even have to be there, I’d totally let her do that. I’d let anyone go on the first date for me. I find those introductory conversations mundane. I don’t care to talk about myself. And they’re usually very surface. Which is why other people could take over for me and it wouldn’t even matter. The person would probably even want to go on a second date if I wasn’t actually on the first one. ha.

Don’t worry people, this is not taking over my life again, though it’s really difficult for me not to write back snarky comments, particularly when they say things like, “hey wanna watch me skype;” why the fuck would I want to do that?

I finally found my book in my word docs and I’m going to re-read it and start fixing it THIS VERY DAY. It’s time. It’s calling for me.

But yeah, anyway, back to my point, who better to pick a good date than a good friend. They probably know better anyway. I currently have four options, so if any of you reading this right now want to help make my selection for the week, let me know!

(some entertainment for you. . .I wish she had a fetish for cowboy boots that would have made the date so much better)

I Can’t Be Your Hipster Tonight.

20 03 2012

Last night I decided to get back on OkCupid, just for a bit. Upon my return it has been decided that I’m not going to spend as much time on it and I’m not going to message guys back just for entertainment purposes. I am immediately deleting the ones I don’t want to talk. Mainly I’m just looking for a Jake-Gyllenhaal look-alike to become my next boyfriend (I know it’s not going to happen).

Anyway, this morning I woke up with this message in my inbox:

“I can understand your rejection of the 9-5 mentality but if you have 2 master’s degree, you should be doing sometime more/better than freelance writing and social media marketing.

But enjoy your dumpster diving and PBR tall-boys. You are very unique, just like every other hipster I’ve encountered.”

When a complete stranger calls you out on how you’re sucking at life–that’s a new low point.

Yeah dude I know I should be doing something more, thanks for reminding me. I, you know, just spend every waking hour of my life drenched in guilt about it, but hey, it’s cool, we’ve never met so please feel free to express to me how I should live.

Uuggh the asshole-card. It takes a bold man to play it but when he does it works like a charm.

Because I want to message him back and call him out on being a dickwad; he’ll respond in the opposite way so he doesn’t seem like such an ass and I will magically fall for him.


Not going to let it happen.

It’s bothering me because it’s true. I want to be doing something more with my life but maybe I’m scared of the next step, that if I get a good full-time job it will change me into a business-casual person and those people frighten me. Or. I don’t know what. That if it’s serious and it’s not what I deep down want to be serious about I’ll keep doing it just because it’s “a job” and I need it.

Everyone says all you got to do is want it and work hard. I’m burnt out on both of those things. I wanted and I worked hard for years and years and I feel it got me nowhere (except in debt). So it’s difficult to keep doing it. What’s the point?

Maybe I’m like functionally depressed. Do those people exist? Like a functioning alcoholic– I don’t let my depression get in the way of my day-to-day though it’s preventing me from bigger and better things (except in my dream last night with a certain Denver stud muffin stallion).

Okay, okay, I’ll work on the bigger and better. Though I still think I need to work on my inner self before anything else. I’ll give myself a few more months. In the meantime, I’m deleting that message.

Omens. Dreams. The. Future.

19 03 2012

The other night I had two really strange dreams. In the first one I dove into a pond and when I tried to walk out the shallow end turtles kept suctioning onto my leg. In the second I was at some overly crowded sporting event when an airplane crashed into the scoreboard blowing up and shooting out people.

I, of course, had to look up the meanings.

According to dreammoods.com:

To see a turtle in your dream symbolizes wisdom, faithfulness, longevity, and loyalty. It also suggests that you need to take it slow in some situation or relationship in your life. With time and patience, you will make steady progress. Alternatively, a turtle indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life. You are putting forth a hard exterior and not letting others in. As a result, you are feeling withdrawn.

To dream that you are being chased by a turtle indicates that you are hiding behind a facade, instead of confronting the things that are bothering you.


“To dream that a plane crashes signifies that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. You are in danger of having those goals come crashing down. Alternatively, the crashing airplane represents your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt. You do not believe in your own ability to achieve those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.”

Since the turtles were attaching to me more than chasing me does that mean my facade is crumbling? Does it mean that my hard exterior is getting softer, not by my own choosing but by my surroundings? Could it mean that whatever I am avoiding with naturally becoming unavoidable very soon? I am sure there are a number of things I’m avoiding but those are things I am not even consciously aware of right now because I’m so good at avoiding them.

And the plane crash. If that isn’t a depressing interpretation I don’t know what is. I’m losing confidence in my goals aka my dreams are dying. My day dreams anyway. Does this mean Jake Gyllenhaal and I are never going to hook up? No dreams, don’t die!!!

I guess it’s two big signs that it’s about time I really figure out my life. Do people ever actually figure out their lives?

Slowly and surely.