Why I’m Not Having Sex (with you).

28 03 2012

I just got an email from Health.com that read, “10 Reasons Why You’re Not Having Sex” and I’d just like to point out that they are wrong. Those are not the 10 reasons why I’m not having sex.

These are the 10 reasons I’m not having sex.

1.) I am alone.

Currently I am living the single life. I know this doesn’t usually stop people, but lately I haven’t really felt like giving it up to randoms.

2.) My bed is too comfortable.

I sleep diagonally and I really don’t want anyone to ruin that for me.

3.) My lack of meds is turning me into a crazy person.

I went off birth control at the beginning of October and it’s turned me a little nutty. Mood swings, up and down desires, zits, emotional roller-coasters, fun times such as that. I’m glad that I’m getting it out of my system but since my period isn’t regular yet, I don’t want to add any one else to my potential “baby-daddy” list right now.

4.) My not-very-busy life-style. 

I am boring. The end.

5.) I am too sexy.

The article talked about body-image issues and you know what, I’m tired of that excuse. We all have our hang-ups. There are things I don’t like about my body (depending on the lighting) but I accept my body and I try to take care of it–and if that’s not good enough for someone else than they don’t deserve to enjoy it.

6.) I’m addicted to my vibrator! 

Well, not yet, because I just got it last night. But I could be very soon and I’m okay with that. It’s safer, more reliable, we don’t have to talk about anything, I can change the speed and pulsation at a click of a button, it fits in a drawer, it’s a one-time purchase that will last me for years without any arguments. So yeah, addicted–no, but I don’t see the problem with it being my source of orgasm as opposed to some stranger I could pick up at a bar (and then not even get off with).

7.) I smell.

Maybe people just aren’t attracted to my pheremones or my hairy armpits.

8.) I’m a cyborg!

Part of the problem is that I spend too much time online and not enough time in the real world. Sure, I have plenty of online dating messages, but none of them ever seem to pan out, even after we meet. Perhaps online dating creates too much pressure, or it just feels forced, or the connection is just never there.

9. Crushed-Out.

I can’t decide if I have a crush on this one particular person or if I actually do not. If I do then I’m going about it all wrong. If I don’t than it’s all fine and dandy. I don’t know if this is necessarily preventing me from having sex, but it’s in the back of my mind when I meet other people. Not that I care to ever be monogamous again, but developing a stronger relationship with some people over others is still a priority for me-if said person is worth that stronger development.

I know that I shouldn’t have a crush on this person because we’re actually probably not a very good fit. We each have other more compatible people out there in the world for us. But I can’t help it. And it’s sad to me when a crush fades so maybe I’m just trying to hold onto that feeling because I like the feeling, not because the crush is ever going to develop into anything.

10.) I am lazy (and picky) 

Sex takes a lot of effort and energy and time and care and consideration. And I don’t think I have much of any of that right now. So. Besides my on-going affair with Tango I plan to stay sex-free for awhile.

So take THAT Health.com I don’t need to do it with anyone else to be happy and content and fulfilled. I mean, yes, it could be nice, COULD be, but I’m not going to get all worried about it if it’s not happening with anyone. I’ll just be happy and content and fulfilled with myself.

5 Random Thoughts: Cock Blocked by Cocks Blocked.

27 03 2012

1. Hot Hot Hot

So I was looking through craigslist job postings and I came across an ad for bikini barista. I do not understand. Why does anyone need bikinis with their coffee? And what woman would want to be nearly nude serving scalding hot beverages every day? Sounds like disaster waiting to happen. Do dudes really need boobs so early in the morning? Want a boner on your way to work? Sure, why not, boners go great with hazelnut lattes. I’m going to open a bar where guys have to stir ladies drinks with their dicks (with condoms on of course) because you know, like, it would be a huge success. Ugh. Wait. Not.

2. Zzzzzz

Speaking of snakes. Last night I had another weird dream. This time a certain ex “accidentally” let this incredibly huge snake out of its cage and the snake attempted to attack me with its fanged mouth. I caught said snake and held it by its head so it couldn’t poison me, but it kept writhing and spazing and squirming. The craziest thing was that it was rainbow colored and also like a hybrid cobra/viper because along with trying to bite me it also attempt to wrap its body around my arm. The ex just kept running around trying to find something to kill it with, he never found anything, then I woke up.  (So many things to analyze here!)

3. Men Suck but it’s because of Women, duh

A facebook friend posted this article, 5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women. Most of it I agreed with, but by the end I felt that the entire thesis was: men hate women because women actually have more power than men because men can only think about sex. And that’s why men do EVERYTHING because they’re trying to impress women and get laid. I feel that the article, in a way, was trying to make men’s domination excusable. And I can’t agree with that. I also don’t believe all that men think about is sex and everything they do– learn guitar, become CEOs, play sports, etc– is related entirely to impressing the opposite sex. That makes men seem to lack complexity and I don’t that that’s a fair interpretation. Sure, the media/society helps constructs certain ideals and social behaviors, but that same media is generally run by men, so it’s really their fault these ideas are still so entrenched in our society. Perhaps it’s not about impressing women so much as staying in power and allowing women to stay sex object trophies. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

4. Too Shy or Maybe I’m Not Fly

It’s sort of a weird transition because it actually goes against everything that article was about, but I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now. In truth, I’ve been analyzing it since becoming newly again single after 5.5 years. Perhaps I’m going to the wrong places and meeting the wrong dudes but I feel every guy I’ve met I’ve had to initiate everything: conversation, phone number, dates, sexy time etc. Maybe it does relate to the #1 in the article when it talks about guys feeling that they’re told that they’re “owed a hot girl.” Everyone wants everyone to do all of the work; to be the assertor, to shower the other with compliments and prove that the other is desirable. This is a huge problem. Maybe our generation was raised with too much entitlement? But I’m finding it tiring to be the one who puts effort into asserting my likeness for another with very little reciprocation. Shared effort would be much appreciated. I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I’m not like-able enough.

(I probably just need this hat)

5. Oh, Oh, She’s Crafty

Having a job is weird. When I have days off now a part of me still feels guilty for not doing much, even though I’m at least now making a little bit of money.

When I have a day off I have to work at being content with how I spend that time and not stress that I didn’t get something done.

Perhaps this is a common problem? Many of us want to accomplish so many different things that when they’re not done by a certain day we feel guilty about it, which in turn can take even longer to get done because we allow the stress to take more of our time than it should. I don’t know. It’s just a theory. I have a billion different things I’m working on right now, but I’m just going to work on them as I feel like it and when they’re complete, they’re complete.

Fashion Police… I need Your Vote.

26 03 2012

1, 2, or 3?

I got a new skirt from goodwill. It has the coolest zippers. And yes. It’s white. Not sure if I can really pull it off…so tell me which shirt goes best!

1) Pattern

2) Gray

3) Red Lace /Black

Accessory tips will also be appreciated.

Thanks for your opinion in advance.

10 Random Thoughts: I am a Lizard.

22 03 2012

1. I thought that I would hate working in retail, but here’s the kicker, I don’t. Probably because I’m selling sex toys which just creates a weird environment within itself. It feels very Empire Records to me, though I don’t know what character I would be…probably the bitchy one with the shaved head NOT Liv Tyler or Sexy Rexy. Now I want to watch that movie again.

2. I’m going to Boulder this afternoon to go on a hike. I’m sort of hoping for a revelation but if I just get a good workout that’s will suffice.

3. It’s so dry here and my allergies have been crazy lately that I just look like I’m stoned all of the time. I am not stoned all of the time.

4. FYI Sour Patch Bunnies look EXACTLY like Sour Patch Kids.

5. I just started yelling out my window at runners; this is probably not a good habit to get into.

6. I finished the book Cloud Atlas a few days ago. It’s SO good. You have to get past the first section for it all to start making sense. My good friend Lizz suggested it–she obviously has good taste.

7. I think I found the one. Her name is Claudia. She is quiet yet very powerful. She can go for hours. Claudia keeps all my secrets and never gets into arguments with me. The only problem with Claudia is that she cost $145 and that’s like a billion hours of work to afford her. I may have to step next door to Shot Gun Willies and become a “cocktail” waitress. Vrrrroooomm!

(this is the jimmyjane form two…in case anyone else wants one too)

8. I’ve been wondering if “splash proof” is code for “squirt proof” but I haven’t asked anyone.

9. I just saw a woman hopscotch down the sidewalk. I love it when old people step out of “adulthood” for a moment. I’m glad I’m not the only big grrrl who does that.

10. I want a new album to obsess over. I love EMA. I love MIA. Robyn. Fiona. Missy. But I need something else to play on repeat over and over. Any suggestions?

Single Them Out and Find Me a Blind Date Love Connection.

21 03 2012

Was there ever a dating show where other people selected dates for the contestant? I mean, the classic Love Connection voted on the 3 but had no real say. Singled Out at least narrowed it down a bit. Blind Date…sssooo gggooooddd. Pretty sure a girl from my high school was on that once. It was set in California so almost everyone was a “struggling actress” of some kind. I am not an actress; I am struggling though, so there’s that.

I want someone to log into my OKC account and pick me a winner. I am serious.

If done right this would be an amazing dating show. Best friend’s Choice.

Oh, I remember now there was a show on MTV awhile ago where a parent went on the date with the couple. That was awkward. I’d let my mom pick out a guy (which she has and that didn’t go over well–not her fault, the guy was just crazy) but I would never go out with a person AND my mom at the same time. Now, if she wanted to go on the first date for me and I wouldn’t even have to be there, I’d totally let her do that. I’d let anyone go on the first date for me. I find those introductory conversations mundane. I don’t care to talk about myself. And they’re usually very surface. Which is why other people could take over for me and it wouldn’t even matter. The person would probably even want to go on a second date if I wasn’t actually on the first one. ha.

Don’t worry people, this is not taking over my life again, though it’s really difficult for me not to write back snarky comments, particularly when they say things like, “hey wanna watch me skype;” why the fuck would I want to do that?

I finally found my book in my word docs and I’m going to re-read it and start fixing it THIS VERY DAY. It’s time. It’s calling for me.

But yeah, anyway, back to my point, who better to pick a good date than a good friend. They probably know better anyway. I currently have four options, so if any of you reading this right now want to help make my selection for the week, let me know!

(some entertainment for you. . .I wish she had a fetish for cowboy boots that would have made the date so much better)

I Can’t Be Your Hipster Tonight.

20 03 2012

Last night I decided to get back on OkCupid, just for a bit. Upon my return it has been decided that I’m not going to spend as much time on it and I’m not going to message guys back just for entertainment purposes. I am immediately deleting the ones I don’t want to talk. Mainly I’m just looking for a Jake-Gyllenhaal look-alike to become my next boyfriend (I know it’s not going to happen).

Anyway, this morning I woke up with this message in my inbox:

“I can understand your rejection of the 9-5 mentality but if you have 2 master’s degree, you should be doing sometime more/better than freelance writing and social media marketing.

But enjoy your dumpster diving and PBR tall-boys. You are very unique, just like every other hipster I’ve encountered.”

When a complete stranger calls you out on how you’re sucking at life–that’s a new low point.

Yeah dude I know I should be doing something more, thanks for reminding me. I, you know, just spend every waking hour of my life drenched in guilt about it, but hey, it’s cool, we’ve never met so please feel free to express to me how I should live.

Uuggh the asshole-card. It takes a bold man to play it but when he does it works like a charm.

Because I want to message him back and call him out on being a dickwad; he’ll respond in the opposite way so he doesn’t seem like such an ass and I will magically fall for him.


Not going to let it happen.

It’s bothering me because it’s true. I want to be doing something more with my life but maybe I’m scared of the next step, that if I get a good full-time job it will change me into a business-casual person and those people frighten me. Or. I don’t know what. That if it’s serious and it’s not what I deep down want to be serious about I’ll keep doing it just because it’s “a job” and I need it.

Everyone says all you got to do is want it and work hard. I’m burnt out on both of those things. I wanted and I worked hard for years and years and I feel it got me nowhere (except in debt). So it’s difficult to keep doing it. What’s the point?

Maybe I’m like functionally depressed. Do those people exist? Like a functioning alcoholic– I don’t let my depression get in the way of my day-to-day though it’s preventing me from bigger and better things (except in my dream last night with a certain Denver stud muffin stallion).

Okay, okay, I’ll work on the bigger and better. Though I still think I need to work on my inner self before anything else. I’ll give myself a few more months. In the meantime, I’m deleting that message.

Omens. Dreams. The. Future.

19 03 2012

The other night I had two really strange dreams. In the first one I dove into a pond and when I tried to walk out the shallow end turtles kept suctioning onto my leg. In the second I was at some overly crowded sporting event when an airplane crashed into the scoreboard blowing up and shooting out people.

I, of course, had to look up the meanings.

According to dreammoods.com:

To see a turtle in your dream symbolizes wisdom, faithfulness, longevity, and loyalty. It also suggests that you need to take it slow in some situation or relationship in your life. With time and patience, you will make steady progress. Alternatively, a turtle indicates that you are sheltering yourself from the realities of life. You are putting forth a hard exterior and not letting others in. As a result, you are feeling withdrawn.

To dream that you are being chased by a turtle indicates that you are hiding behind a facade, instead of confronting the things that are bothering you.


“To dream that a plane crashes signifies that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. You are in danger of having those goals come crashing down. Alternatively, the crashing airplane represents your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt. You do not believe in your own ability to achieve those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified.”

Since the turtles were attaching to me more than chasing me does that mean my facade is crumbling? Does it mean that my hard exterior is getting softer, not by my own choosing but by my surroundings? Could it mean that whatever I am avoiding with naturally becoming unavoidable very soon? I am sure there are a number of things I’m avoiding but those are things I am not even consciously aware of right now because I’m so good at avoiding them.

And the plane crash. If that isn’t a depressing interpretation I don’t know what is. I’m losing confidence in my goals aka my dreams are dying. My day dreams anyway. Does this mean Jake Gyllenhaal and I are never going to hook up? No dreams, don’t die!!!

I guess it’s two big signs that it’s about time I really figure out my life. Do people ever actually figure out their lives?

Slowly and surely.

5 Random Thoughts: You Probably Don’t Want to Be Around Me This Week.

16 03 2012

1. I Smell

While working for elephant journal a fellow intern made the bold statement of saying that if you go deodorant–free for two weeks your body will re-adjust and it will no longer stink. As many of you know I recently decided to let my armpit hair grow just for the fun of it. It’s been like a month of me not wearing deodorant and kids, I still reek. Okay, I mean I don’t smell bad all of the time, but spring is approaching, it’s getting hotter, I have to wear the same shirt every day to work, I think it’s time to fix something here. I even asked my roommate if I smell and she said, “no comment,” which I took as a yes. I remember my smelly friend. I don’t want to be the smelly friend. But then again there is something appealing about repelling people. Like, “don’t come any closer or I’ll lift up my armpit fool!” And then they get this super scared look on their faces and back slowly away. It could be my super-heroine power.

2. I Hate You

No. I don’t. But the past couple of weeks I have attempted to give up coffee drinking. I gave up coffee because I was getting headaches every afternoon due to the crash. And I didn’t want to rely on a substance any longer. The first week went fine, but this week I was like dead. And I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I haven’t figured out if it was because of the coffee or other things. I miss the ritual of it more than I miss the coffee itself. Like, waking up, making it, and sipping it while I write. I never wake up and think, “oh I can’t wait to drink a nice cup of tea.” I mean, fuck tea. No offense tea lovers. I drink tea, but I don’t CRAVE tea. Sometimes it’s just nice to want something and then to be able to get it.

3. Ding Dong Dildo

Hello and welcome to get your rocks off central, my name is Krystal how may I help you find pleasure today? This is my first week selling romance to people. Right now I’m only learning about romance, which turns out to just be different ways to fuck yourself. If only I had known that years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. Really though you could spend years having different relationships with just the products in this store with no need for human interaction. The craziest thing I’ve learned so far. . . where I work was once Denver but they turned it into a different “town,” Glendale, so they could have a legal sex area in the city. That’s why there are several sex stores and strip clubs and dancing sites right in one area.

4. One is the Loneliest Number

How does that terrible song go, “just because i’m alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely” or something like that. . . anyway I have been alone quite often lately, no dates, and no hanging out with friends either. I know I probably need this time and I need to do this but it can be a struggle. I think my biggest problem isn’t that I’m not around other people but that I am slightly depressed that I was sold a rotten dream. And though it’s not “nightmare-ish” per say it’s still fucked up. I’m talking about the dream we’re sold from a young age: get good grades, pay attention, be kind to others, over-acheive, over-acheive and you will be successful. And instead of success I am like 80K in debt and working retail. I could have just worked freaking retail right out of school and stayed ignorant and blissful. It’s related to feeling alone because I think I’m sort of hiding. There’s a part of me that feels ashamed and embarrassed that it has come to this. I mean, at least it’s a job! But still, I should be doing more with what I have to offer.

5. Hunger

The weirdest part of this entire week is that I have not been hungry. I always want to eat; I am always thinking about food and what I can make next, and this week there has been no desire for food. I have had to force myself to eat and I still could barely finish. Something is probably really wrong… if I am not sleeping well and I don’t want to eat, two things that I am a professional at, I should probably go see a doctor. But I’ll blame it on the coffee and the new job (unless it keeps going). I realized though, that not being hungry/not wanting to eat frees up a lot of extra time for thinking and for doing other things, though I was too confused by it all to make any good use of it. Maybe next week if it’s still like this. Maybe it’s just my body trying to “get fit” for the sunny weather. . .

Go Green Or Die Young(ish).

10 03 2012

I’m thinking about going raw vegan…not for life but for like a detox, get-back-to-healthy thing. Anyway. I’m starting slowly, because I still like warm foods. But, I also lloovvveee fruits and vegetables and nuts so I don’t think it would be THAT weird to do it for a month or two.

Anyway. I talk about it here:

I went to Healthy Blender Recipes for the smoothie.

Though I changed the recipe, which is totally allowed in raw vegan land.

GreenTime Smoothie

4 romaine lettuce leaves

2 cups pineapple

1 mango

grated ginger

1 cup filtered water

pinch of salt

(I then added ice because I wanted it colder)

It’s actually pretty tasty AND healthy, can’t beat that.

I wish I owned a freaking Vitamix… those things cost as much as a old used car.

I. Am. A. Slut.

8 03 2012

There has been a lot of talk recently about sluts. And I’ve been trying to stay out of it because I fear I’m just going to repeat much of what’s been said, but I just can’t keep quiet any longer.

First of all there is the obvious debate going around that any woman who has sex before marriage recreationally is a slut. So, basically, most women. Right. But, that’s sort of like the hahah joke. It works to make the argument about women’s reproductive rights seem ridiculous while at the same time still undermining women’s sexual choices by not acknowledging a sex positive stance. There is still an underlying puritanical phobia about women being sexual.

We can joke that any woman in a monogamous relationship that’s sexual is a slut, because she’s not really. She’s actually following the new standard script for relationship structures. Just because the old fuddy-duddy republicans seem to still be obsessed with marriage and God doesn’t mean the general population agrees.

But the general population may agree that there is a real definition of a slut.

And that slut-type is not acceptable.

Gayle Rubin talks about this in her now classic theoretical essay, Thinking Sex. In fact, she has a whole graph designed that shows what is deemed “good” and “bad” types of sex. Heterosexual vanilla monogamists—are good. Not being married, doing it for non-reproductive reasons is like middle ground but not bad.


Is it possible to erase these ideas of good v. bad and just accept that everyone has different expressions of their sexuality and should be able to act on their desires as long as everyone involved consents and it’s safe?

And isn’t consenting and being safe also related to access to birth control?

It reverts back to the ideas of controlling one’s own body, what goes in, what stays out. And part of that control is keeping it healthy; being sexual can keep it healthy for some, not having babies can keep it healthy for some, (actually not having babies can keep it healthy for the planets population control but that’s a whole other argument).

What I’m trying to get at is that everyone has the right to be a slut. There is nothing wrong with being a slut. Being sexually expressive (consensual and safe) should not be shameful. It should be respected and actually encouraged.

What’s wrong with people experiencing pleasure?

How does someone’s pleasure hurt another?

Why should anyone be able to control, manipulate, and coerce others into experiencing sexuality a particular way? That isn’t pleasurable at all. But that’s pretty much what’s going on. And no one should approve of this kind of behavior/policing/power-play.

Sluts unite!

Let’s get our freak on.

All the way back in 93–they knew what was up.