5 Random Thoughts: Denver, Music, Strippers.

28 04 2012

1. I love that I’ve only been in Denver a little over 5 months and I can walk down the street and run into multiple people I know. And not only that, but I can randomly hear my friend’s band in the middle of the afternoon even though I’ve been so out of the loop I didn’t even know they were playing. Serendipity or just small town city life?

2. I was at this record store and I had a Ghost World flashback, remember that scene where they go into the porn store and Thora Birch’s character yells, “look at all the creeps!” that’s exactly what I was thinking while all these doodes fingered records. The ritual of looking for music is just as important as the music itself–which is the same for people who rent/buy pornographic films, yeah you can download all the porn or music that you want, but it’s not the same as finding a rare gem amongst the coals.

3. While being a creep at the record store I bought one of Peaches albums and was super excited to open it and discover that the record was PINK instead of the usual black. Also, I’m considering having a Peaches & Cream theme party where we only play Peaches and Cream. And only drink peach flavored beverages and eat creamy foods (that are vegan of course–yes, that exists fools). And people can only wear those two colors–or at least close shades.

4. Speaking of Peaches would it be bad for me to admit that “fuck the pain away” has, at some point in the last few months, been a theme song of mine? That’s why I’m going for a Man-less May. As close to celibacy as I can get. Can’t give up the Tango. Can give up “Man-Eater” as my other theme song though.

5. I made a facebook comment about how I am starting to have a problem with strippers. The problem is with their attitude; they’re rude, they’re often high, and with that high they’re usually stupid. A combination that creates major disturbances in my line of work. Particularly when they come in to the store and feel the need to try everything on–every pair of shoes, every wig, every outfit and then leave it all thrown about the place like it’s their bedroom and their mommy’s going to come clean up after them. Perhaps because they work in an industry where they’re both idealized and objectified they feel they are entitled to do whatever they want because they’re told their gorgeous and amazing so often that they believe it. And with the belief they feel they can get away with anything. They think it’s okay to act that way because they’re “spending money.” But just like with their line of work I am sure they have boundaries in which money can only get someone so far. Since I’m not really getting much of the money that they’re dropping I’d actually prefer it if they’d stop acting like brats and start respecting other people in the service industry.

In regards to their chosen profession—I know this draws a line of contention between feminists–but until the entire system changes, I understand why they do it. I understand it. Though I’d personally not choose it myself and I believe there are many MANY problems with it–which perhaps I’ll get into on another day when they piss me off again.

I’m sure it will be soon.

5 Random Thoughts: Books, Sex, Sexy Books.

27 04 2012

1.) Reading a good book makes me want to do better things with my life. I don’t know what it is, if it’s the deep development of characters flaws exposed that helps me feel more connected or the philosophical debates on our relationships with each other/universal purpose/existence etc. but for some reason all I want to do is healthy stuff–workout, eat well, read. Maybe I’m just maturing and it happens to be while I’m reading this particular book. I’ll never know!

2.) All these middle aged women are reading 50 Shades of Grey. I guess there are a lot of different scenes involving sex toys which have brought them in droves to our store. It’s nice in a way because I am selling many more upscale toys. Also, I feel like it could be helping women become more sexually open–at least I hope it is. I put a hold on the book at the library–565 people are before me. By the time I get to it the fad will probably be over.

3.) Kegel balls are all the rage. So I bought this Je Joue set from work. Kegel balls are designed to help strengthen the PC muscles which leads to better orgasms and better urinary control. They’re really good for all women to use, though women who have given birth would probably find them the most beneficial. I figured, it can’t hurt to have a tighter stronger nether region so I’ve decided to to do kegel exercises every day for a month. The set I bought comes with three–a beginner one that’s bigger and lighter, a mid-range one that has two smaller balls and is slightly heavier weighted and then finally a smaller  two baller that’s actually quite heavy for the advanced kegeler. I have yet to try the third one, though I think I can do it just fine consider the other two have not been a problem. I’ll let you all know at the end of next month if I notice any changes.

4.) Well, since sexuality is a major theme in my life I guess I will talk about the boring biology of it for a moment. As a few of you know, I haven’t had my period for months now. I’d just like to inform you all that I’M NOT PREGNANT!!! Nor do I have anything else medically wrong that they could find. My body is just weird. I’ll have to channel it. Or drink some good period-inducing herbal tea. Recommendations are welcome.

5. I mainly am talking about it because I’ve been in a bad mood lately and I can’t shake it. I’m wondering if it might be time. Or close to it. If not, then I blame it on boys. It’s all their fault. And I’m giving them up. Again. I swear. At least for a month while I work on my kegel exercises. And my attitude.

Trying to Catch Myself Before I Fall.

26 04 2012

Hey kids! I know it’s been awhile. the truth is I got distracted by a boy. A very beautiful charming boy…okay, a man really, who is now far far away again and I’m sad.

I can’t quite tell you what it was that made me fall (not even sure if it’s a true fall). I’d like to blame it on the distance as I seem to have a problem with liking unreachable impossible relationships. We don’t need a psychologist here to figure out why this is true.

Why is he so cute? Why is he so funny? Why is he so smart? Make it stop!!! Ugh.

I’m mostly irritated at myself for allowing this to happen. I should have known better.

So the plan is to give it time and see if it prospers or withers up and dies. I feel the door is slightly ajar and I am at the point where I can’t decide if I’d prefer to open it all the way or slam it shut again.

Oh, complications.

I will say that I spend too much time contemplating and planning my social relationships and I need to take a step back and focus on myself. It’s annoying because I’ve known this for months and yet I can’t get myself to do it. Changing habits and actually taking time for inner reflection are both frightening yet necessary.

Also, on an entirely different subject. I’ve been contemplating getting a tattoo. Mom, don’t freak out–I know you said you’d cut me off and disown me etc. etc. but I am 27 now and it wouldn’t be tasteless. The likelihood that it will happen is at about 31% and it wouldn’t be for like a year because I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I’d want it to look like. I know that I’d want it to be a fawn. You know, like my middle name. Pretty simple, maybe it’s corny, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to put on my body permanently.

This is not a fawn, I hope you all knew that. But I like the silhouette style, maybe.

I also like this.

Or I could get a whole sleeve with a fawn in the wilderness and stuff?

Thoughts? Opinions? Suggestions?

Back to falling:

If nothing magical and life-changing comes out of it I at least now know about this band and have become rather obsessed with this song.

*sighing over my coffee wearing my white tank top scratching my white trash butt*

10 Random Thoughts: Friday the 13th is only as bad as you make it.

13 04 2012

1. I know I’ve become enmeshed in the sex toy scene when I start to wear cock rings as bracelets. Also, if I didn’t have a dirty mind before… goddess o goddess every thing people say now becomes a perverted joke… particularly if the word “come” is in the sentence–which happens more times than one would realize.

2. White trash moment, finally did it: white tank top with dark bra.

3. Yesterday this 90 year old man came in with a 90 year old woman and bought like 5 porno magazines; it was the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

4. I was supposed to go on a lunch date today, but it got canceled. I didn’t realize he couldn’t make it until I was already there (I rode my almost-brakeless bike for an adventure) so I had lunch by myself. I’m getting better at this solo stuff, woot.

5. While there the table next to me, was of course, having an “awesome” conversation. I am beginning to wonder if there will ever come a time when people don’t say sentences that begin, “well, women are like ___ and men are like ____.” I hope so. That’ll be a good day.

6. Why is Friday the 13th supposed to be bad-luck? Because of Jason? Okay. I went and looked it up–there aren’t very good reasons, they mainly have to do with money and white dudes.

7. Remember Nightmare on Elm Street and Freddy Kruger? I always get Jason and Freddy mixed up. Which movie series do I like more? I couldn’t answer that.

8. But, speaking of the Kruger family. I prefer Barbara Kruger out of all of them– she really tickles my toes. And she’s scary, but in a good way.

9. What scares me the most. . . hmm. Tough one. The perpetual idea that I will fail at what I really want to do, thus I have created an environment that distracts me from actually pursuing said want, and in turn, have created that exact failure, therefor I am living a life that should be scary but isn’t because I haven’t yet come to terms with the fact that I have given up without ever actually starting. Eww. That is depressing. I don’t want to think about it.

10. Today I will get one step closer to figuring out what I actually want to do with my life. I will draw up to four different scenarios of my future and I will gaze at them for at least a week and see which one I feel most drawn to. This will help. It must.

All Day I Dream About. . . ?

11 04 2012


*cough*. . .

Today’s white trash moment brought to you by Korn:

I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Perhaps it really does come down to hormones. Maybe my testosterone is through the roof. Maybe I should go see a doctor. But lately I’ve been approaching life in a very stereotypical “manly” sort of way. I have in fact been spending way too much time thinking about sex. Dating my way through Denver. Working at the sex toy store, wanting to just get off and go take a nap (though this rarely happens hence the white trash Korn moment).

I know I need a new hobby.

I just haven’t gotten around to figuring out what I want it to be.

And even hobbies seem like too much commitment.


Perhaps I just need to accept the fact that I’m in an in-between right now and not feel guilty about it. Just keep on fucking around for a couple more months until I feel better. More stable. Until I’ve sampled enough different things to know the true direction I want to head.

Or maybe there will never be a “true” direction and I just need to learn to accept that–perhaps it will take that much time to accept. And then I will know. What is knowing anyway?

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. (My phrase for the year.)

Does anyone?

(Also, white trash moments… Monday: Drank PBR under a bush. Tuesday: bought a bunch of 30% easter candy and ate a F ton of it.)

(Good advice, though doesn’t really help me find a new hobby–unless I want to start doing crack or something.)

Easter Trash.

9 04 2012

White trash day #2 or is it 3, we’re not so good at counting here.

1. I went to see Titanic in 3D (on an OKC date haha. . . there will not be another, obviously)

2. I ate this entire bucket of popcorn. . . it took me ALL day.

3. I noticed there were even trashier white trash people on my walk home from the movie when I saw both a pinanta shaped like an ICP clown AND. . .okay, really, you can’t beat that, why am I even trying?

My New White Trash Project.

7 04 2012

Who’s joining me?

So. In keeping with this white trash theme, I have decided to do at least one trashy thing a day. I will add it to the end of every blog… unless I don’t blog that day, then it will be the blog itself. (Like this one)

I started this yesterday by wearing my zipper dress around Boulder. This dress is stretch denim with a gold zipper that goes all the way down the middle for easy removal. I walked all around town in this dress. Occasionally it would hike itself up in the back and I could feel a breeze travel all the way up my thighs. And  guess what, I liked it. It’s an area of a woman’s body that rarely gets to feel the wind. Also, I’m 27 I need to embrace my curvaceousness, my sex appeal, before it disappears into old age. To add to the trashiness I was on a search to fix my front license plate that had somehow managed to fall off my neon. The dealership guy was like, “how did that happen?” And I looked at him like, “how do you think?”

I don’t know. Maybe it’s because Denver streets are full of pot holes and half-ass curbs or maybe someone was trying to steal it because they were drunk and stupid or maybe somebody bumped into while parallel parking… ANYTHING is possible really. All I know is that it wasn’t there.

Another trashy thing I did last night: I watched the second Pirates Porn. Well, not all of it, but enough of it to get the gist. That’s three in one day; I’m on a roll.

Today I ate brunch outside on my friend’s concrete driveway wearing cut-off jean shorts soaking up the glorious sun drinking homemade juice (IDK if homemade juice is necessarily white trash…maybe if you hand squeezed the juice itself).

Then on my car ride back to Denver I listened to Kittie. Their first album. (Their best album).

That’s right. Watch out world.

Cleaning up this place one trashy move at a time.

You’ll never guess what I’m doing tomorrow!

I Be a Dirrrty Skank?

5 04 2012

I’ve decided today that it is time for me to embrace my white trashiness. There is no denying it anymore. Yes, I’m aware, it’s always been here, sort of lurking around exposing itself at times in surprising places.

But earlier I was out and about and this woman kind of gave me the side eye like she wanted to fight (name the song) and I was like, why is this woman looking at me like that?

And I realized it’s because I’m dressed like a skank.

I don’t care.

Wearing minimal clothing when it’s hot out is sort of my thing… (and many other people’s too) but somehow it just comes off really trashy on me.

I’m poor. I grew up working class. I, at one point, was an expert at cooking hamburger helper, as an example.

I have a very open opinion about sexuality (like we should all do it and do more of it) that many people may find “immoral” even though it’s probably healthier.

I live on the fringes. I dumpster dive–for things and for food–when I get a chance.

And I am unpredictable. Which are all definitions of white trash.

I have to just come out and tell you all:

I don’t have very good taste. For example, there are clothes at the store I work that I would actually want to wear… in public.

I think for a part of my life I attempted to pretend I had good taste, by critiquing things like theater and music and art, but when it comes down to it I don’t know a Jackson Pollack from a 2nd graders abstract. I like Marilyn Manson. And Slipknot. And Heart. HEART!!!!

I like to sit outside on the porch and drink cheap beer and heckle people.

If I had a yard there would be broken down cars on it that I intended to fix whenever I learned how to fix cars.

I chew gum with my mouth open.

I wear bright colored eye shadow.

I think by just accepting this fact about myself it will open me up to better experiences and life choices. Maybe. Well, I won’t keep running from it anyway. I’ll be able to highlight the good parts of white trashiness–like its anti-authority mentality and its open sexuality–and use those elements to make the world a prettier place. Okay. Maybe not prettier, but more interesting anyway.