Heaven and Earth Balanced in Your Vagina.

31 05 2012

When I got to work yesterday afternoon it was pretty dead, so I decided to clean the book shelfs. While doing so a 50-Shades-of-Grey guy rushes up the stairs, finds the nearest employee (my manager) and says:

“I’m pretty ignorant about all this stuff, I need help finding balls? Balls, you know, those feng shui things.”

I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Yes, sir, right this way, let’s help your wife feng shui her vagina, I myself prefer a minimialist decor up there while my co-worker here enjoys the contemporary french style.

WTF dude.

While paying for the feng shui balls (actually kegel balls) he turns to me and says, “do you mind if I ask you something?” (since I am a woman I presume and my manager is obviously not sticking things up/in/on his nonexistent vagina). . . “What do you like here? Like what else should I get for her?”

Bam! Another $80 vibrator sold in less than 10 seconds.

What my manager has yet to figure out is that these 50 Shade Husbands will spend bank. They don’t give a fuck what the stuff costs because they’re just excited their wives want to have sex with them again. And not just sex, but considerably kinkier sex than they’ve ever had. It’s much cheaper than a divorce or a mistress, so they’re all coming over in droves–I thank the book for that–but am annoyed at the fact that it took so long for our culture to open up more about sexuality.

And it wasn’t necessarily the book that did this, but all the conversation around the book on talk shows and such. It all collectively gave women permission to experiment. If Dr. Oz and The Talk and The View etc. all say it’s cool and all your friends are doing then you have to, right?

Whatever, at least more orgasms are happening.

That’s got to be something.





5 Words and Phrases People Need to Ease the F Up On.

30 05 2012

5. Seriously. 

Yes. Seriously. It’s so serious. It’s serious like my fist in your face. Knuckle sandwich style. See, now that’s a phrase that should be used more often.

As an example,

You: I don’t know what I want for lunch.

Me: How about a knuckle sandwich?

Now, there, isn’t that funny? Yes. Okay, let’s SERIOUSLY have people use knuckle sandwich on a regular basis instead. Though they have nothing to do with each other, but that’s not the point. We all just need to change out our words and phrases quicker than we do. Like changing bed sheets. We should do it every week, but most people don’t. Most people only do it like once a month or so. This is kind of how people treat language and I think it’s time we give it a more-regular washing.

Keep words fresh and clean! 

4. Bro.

As in, “what’s up bro.” Ecetera. Why bro and not sis? What is up with this? It’s weird to me because people use it as a term similar to “dude” now when I thought “bro” was a term to describe young white guys who look like rapists.

3. That’s What She Said. 

This is a pretty obvious one. It’s died down quite a bit and is no longer at its peak. Like that fucking Gotye song, it can indeed be overplayed. Perhaps because it’s the easiest go-to at my work when one is attempting humor. I know I’ve used it way too often myself.

2. No Bueno. 

What movie is this from? EVERYONE is saying it now and I do not approve. I’ve said it twice and both times I felt very uncomfortable doing it. Why? Because I don’t know WHY people are saying it all the time. So, no, no, it’s no good.

1. Right.

Right? Riiiggghttt? It’s become a fucking tick. Right is the new like, I’m pretty sure. People are saying it after every sentence.

For example:

If I said: “That tweaker is insane.” The person I am conversing with will, 9 times out of 10, respond with: “rrriiggghtt? *Giggle Giggle*”.

I’ve noticed different ways of saying it too. Like, right as a confirmation, right as a question, right at a declaration. It’s a diverse, malleable sort of word.  And it needs to go away. Because now that I’m noticing its spread it’s going to drive me nuts. I don’t want to have to be confrontational about it, but more than likely, I’m going to have to start calling people out so they stop. Of course, I must start with myself because I have fallen into the trap as well, but NO LONGER! I am over it. And you should be too!

Word to your mother.





5 Randoms: No Time on My Hands.

29 05 2012

1. ) Last night I was at a bar and these two women that my friend and I had been talking to for awhile said, “we just got engaged 4 days ago!” I just stared at them. Then, one of them said, “what do you think?” And I was like, “Personally, I don’t believe anyone should get married.” It was their turn to stare at me. So, I replied, “Well, my parents have been married forever and my grandparents have been married forever so it’s obvious it can last. As long as you’re doing it because it will make you both happiest.” They looked at each other, whispered something, and then left. I seriously don’t care if people want to get married but it doesn’t mean that I’m going to pretend to be ecstatic over something that I don’t give a shit about. Especially when I have never met you before and have no idea what kind of relationship dynamic you have.

2.) I was walking home this afternoon and along the way this guy steps sideways at me and points at his wrist asking the time. I looked him in the eyes and said, “no.” Is that how people get robbed? Even in broad daylight right by the bus stop. Alright, fine. Maybe I’m just an asshole, but who the fuck wears a watch anymore?

3.) Every time I go hiking I think, “I really need to do this more often.” Every time I go running I think, “I really need to start running longer.” Really I need to. I want to be one of those super fit people that I’m currently jealous of. I’d prefer people to be jealous of me than the other way around.

4.) And in a similar regard, I need to get a new hobby. A hobby unlike the solitary pursuit of writing. Perhaps I should join a running group. Or go to a yoga class–love hot yoga guys. The biggest issue with a new hobby is that my work schedule changes every week so if I start taking a class or something it could all get complicated.

5.) I’ve realized I’ve never done anything difficult in my life. Like every thing I’ve chosen has been the easy route. Sure I went to school for an exceptionally long time, but it was something I was familiar with. I need a challenge. Like a BIG one. Something with little goals along the way, but also something with a huge reward/payoff in the end. I need time to contemplate this one.





The Period Means Go.

28 05 2012

It’s the home stretch now kids. Only four more days of Manless May. I realized that I accidentally scheduled hanging out with a man tonight. I may have to cancel, even though I don’t think it technically counts, but just in case.

It doesn’t count because the best thing happened to me the other day.

Can you guess?

It’s what I’ve been waiting for for months. Four months, actually.

My period FINALLY started!

And yes, I had gone to the doctor and they had told me that nothing was wrong even though I hadn’t bled in months, but I didn’t want to take any chances. It was one of the main reasons I gave up dating. I felt that if my body wasn’t behaving properly that I should take time off from people to give it the opportunity to revive. Now it has!

Since my period started I’ve been attempting to come up with the grossest things I can say about it to describe to people what’s happening. Here are a few of them:

IT’S LIKE A HORROR MOVIE DOWN THERE!

IT’S LIKE BRUNCH IS COMING OUT OF MY VAG!!! (this is a bloody Mary reference)

IT’S LIKE A KETCHUP BOTTLE EXPLODED IN MY PANTIES!!!

IT’S LIKE I’M BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!!

Please feel free to tell me one of yours. It just doesn’t work well to have a 13-year-old-boy sense of humor and then have something so mature happen to me. I feel like I’m not grown-up enough to handle this. Because it’s been a long time. Seriously. I had a 3-day period in January, besides that, I haven’t had one for years. Years!!! Thanks to progesterone-only pills and depo (DO NOT TAKE DEPO, if you’re on it right now GET OFF, it’s SOOOO bad). Anyway, it’s sort of like I’m going through puberty all over again. I even have zits. Plenty and plenty of zits. I don’t know how many of you remember me in junior high–but damn–it’s not quite that bad, but it’s getting there.

One day balance will come.

I just have to let all the weird hormones release from my system.

Taking the month off was really good for me. I remember reading this article about women who take birth control being attracted to a different kind of man then when not on birth control (because of hormone changes). And how many times these couples end up getting married, then the woman gets off the birth control and discovers she’s not so into the guy like originally thought. Yikes. That would be awful. I’m just curious the type of guy I’m going to start being attracted to now that the hormones are closer to being out of my system. Will it be a John Wayne type or will it a James Franco type (like it has always been). Either way I’d like the person to be rich.

Perhaps June will be full of me going to expensive bars trying to find a sugar daddy.

No, no, no. I still have too much writing to do.





People Still Sleep?

25 05 2012

Today will be the tenth day I’ve worked in a row. Last night I closed the store, this morning I will open it. I hope that my legs do not fall off. I can see them literally falling off.

I sold so many vibrators last night the whole city should be a buzzing today with a post-orgasmic glow.

Is there anyone left that doesn’t have one? At least one?

I read an article in the Atlantic about the founder of Jimmyjane that claimed 50% of people own a sex toy–that’s a higher percentage than people who use condoms. Technically another form of safe sex. . . which I’ve concluded would be a good thing to give like every boy and girl going through puberty–every 13-year-old girl gets a beginner vibrator and every 13-year-old boy gets a fleshlight. Though, if every boy had a fleshlight it wouldn’t have to be disguised as a flashlight since it would be a common household item. Seems like a way to keep them entertained and able to explore without the downfalls of disease and babies.

I’ve just realized that I should have slept longer instead of getting up to blog. I hope you’re all happy, because I’m going to drag ass today.

But yay! My parents will be here this weekend. Family time. I haven’t seen them since December. I don’t know how I’ve gotten so bad about getting home. Full-time job I guess. And before that, lack of job–meaning lack of finances to travel. So, that makes sense. Where does the time go?

Holy fuck I think I need to go take a nap. Would that be weird? I have an hour before I need to leave for work. Seems reasonable. Someone text me and make sure I get back out of bed.





Putting My Foot in Your Mouth.

24 05 2012

I’ve finally realized what creeps me out about foot fetishes.

The word, “fetish” itself.

Because I’ve never understood why liking feet has to be considered a fetish.

I’ve done my research. And liking feet isn’t technically a fetish because the feet are not an object–they’re connected to a person– it’s actually a partialism, a part of the body that is of high importance for sexual arousal. When it turns into shoes, as in needing a good pair of shoes to get off– that’s a fetish.

It feels like people are using “fetish” in place of anything that might get them off that isn’t vanilla sex. Like anything someone is attracted to that isn’t “normal” is called a fetish. Perhaps that’s where we’re moving. Or perhaps there are conflicting ideas about its definition.

All I know is that being attracted to feet shouldn’t necessarily be any weirder than liking someone’s breast or butt or clavicle or whatever. It’s being obessessed with feet–to the point of only being able to come if feet are involved–that seems to be the issues that creeps me out.

Also–feet do nothing for me. I think they’re probably the least attractive part of a human body, not saying they’re super ugly, just not a favorite. I don’t really get why so many people are into them, that’s the other issue. It has more to do with me not understanding it, but everyone has their thing. So, I’m just going to leave it at that and walk away.





Feminists Say F U.

23 05 2012

I try to surround myself with like-minded individuals. These people are usually feminists–whether or not they use that specific term. It’s been two years since I’ve been out of school (what have I been doing with me life!) and yet I still feel like I haven’t adjusted to reality. Like, the reality of dealing with sexists. And even worse, drunk sexists. I’ve tried different tactics but they never seem to work.

When drinking in public I am trying to have a good time, so when I encounter a stranger I try to give the person the benefit of the doubt. Last night I decided I was going to stop doing that. This incredibly drunk guy was trying to make the argument that irish men are just as oppressed as women. Seriously. The group I was with seemed to be humoring him. When he looked at me I said,”your argument is stupid, you should stop talking.” And of course, he didn’t stop talking. To which I was like, “no, really, shut the fuck up.”

Perhaps it’s the season of bitchiness. I’m not going to sit around and have stupid conversation with jackasses any more. Sure, I’d love to be able to have an intelligent conversation with someone on the topic of oppression in the Americas but most of the time it’s nearly impossible to get through to anyone when they already have their “theories” set (and are on a drunk rant).

I’ve realized that as a feminist trying to survive in our culture I have made sacrifices to “keep the peace,” when I should have instead created an uproar. I have a very deep internal conflict about how I should interact with assholes. As many of us learned early in the gender studies program–it’s important to pick your battles selectively. And since I prefer not to fight, I rarely ever pick one.

I know I have an issue with being a people-pleaser. Like, I want everyone around me to get along and be happy and I will do whatever I need to do to make that possible. But, fuck that, it’s not my job to play peace-maker or to humor someone that I don’t even know just because I’m nice. I don’t have to be nice. And I think that is the most important lesson learned. I see oppression, I see sexism, racism, homophobia etc. and I don’t want to be a part in perpetuating that system of complete fuckedupness so I let everyone say whatever they want– and that itself is fucked up. It’s not my job to help anyone else feel good about themselves and when they say something ignorant I should call them out on it. It shouldn’t be about “keeping the peace” because it’s not peaceful to talk like that.

The more I think about it, the more I like the tactic that I used last night:

“What you are saying is stupid, now go fuck off.”

Then if they try to argue more.

“I said, fuck off.”

Because later that night when the bar was closing the guy came up and apologized. So, he obviously knew deep down in his drunk subconscious that he was being a sexist asshole. Shut the oppressor down. Give room for other voices, thoughts, opinions, from people who maybe don’t get the opportunity to speak very often.

I need to get over the fact that I will be seen as a bitch. This is hard because the truth of the matter is I really do want everyone to like me. No one deep down wants anyone to not like them, unless maybe they’re masochists. Or have a severe mental issue.

I can’t help always wanting everyone to get along–it’s why I’m a feminist to begin with. I do not believe there should be as much conflict as what exists in the world today and I believe it should be simple to live peacefully. Since this seems to be a rare idea I suppose I should offer it to the world more often. Even if it means telling others to fuck off so I (or someone more well-versed) can speak.





An Almost-Free Show (that we didn’t want to see).

22 05 2012

Three curvy middle-aged black women walk into the store. They’re laughing and hooting and hollering looking at all the lingerie, questioning me about buying a stripper pole. They’re having a great time. They move back to the clothes. Asking where the “big girl” stuff is. I point out the curvy section. I explain how there is “one size” and “queen” in most of the boxed sets.

Then they notice the section where everything is 50% off. When I tell them that it all runs small, like the bra triangle wouldn’t even fit over my own nipple, one of the women says, “would it fit on mine, I’m only an A cup.”

“Girl, you are not an A cup.” I say. Because seriously, this woman has breasts as large if not larger than mine.

“Oh yes I am, see?” Suddenly she just whips out her tit.

For a moment I am in shock. Because I didn’t quite see it coming–though I should have–so I just stood there and looked at her puzzled.

“Seriously? No, not an A.” I say and I walk away.

I think her boob will be implanted in my memory for a long time. Mostly because I wasn’t expecting it and then it was in my face in a completely non-sexual almost abrasive sort of way.

Later that night, my co-worker was working on the second floor and a guy creeped up there and showed her a picture of his dick. He bought a dollar thing of lube and left.

Was it Flasher Monday or what?

It brings up a good question about our relationship to nudity. Like, we work in a sex store, but we don’t want to see you naked, in any way. And yet, because we work in a sex store they find is slightly more appropriate to behave nearly-child-like in their exposures.

The dick-guy gets off on showing that pic because he knows how wrong it is to do such a thing. It is a fetish to him.

The woman said she has “no shame,” and though that might be true, she also knows that people don’t do that, and so it becomes entertainment for her to be more “shocking” than other people and to impress her friends with her rebellion.

I still think it’s weird how were socially constructed to think certain parts need to be covered over other parts, when one can look around culturally and see that it’s different in many places.

Either way. It is a social construct and those people chose not to follow it, thus weirding out both me and my co-worker for the night.





Let the Count Down Begin.

20 05 2012

Manless May Power Round.

A few things I’ve realized.

1. I’m still talking to guys too much. I’m stopping this. For the last 12 days I will initiate no conversation. If a dude talks to me, I won’t be rude, but there will be no assertiveness in keeping communication going on my part.

2. I have less friends in Denver than I thought. I was dating so much since moving here I didn’t realize how many people I don’t have to just hang out with. I felt much busier because dates filled up so many of my days. How silly of me. I think it’s going to take even more time for me to get into a good habit, but I’d like to channel all of that free (non-dating) time into writing more.

3. I could be writing more.

4. Much more.

5. My new boyfriend is David Foster Wallace (never mind that he’s dead).

6. Soon, this guy I work with and I are going to have a “phone number” contest, in which we go out and compete to see who can get the most (legitimate) numbers. Most likely he will win because he’s been reading The Game and we’re going to a Goth Bar, of which, I will not fit in. Does anyone else think it’s fucked up that there are “pick-up artists” out in the world that use specific techniques to lure women into falling for them? I’m going to read this book and figure out exactly what they’re doing so I can be on the look-out. I’ve read several of these types of books already for a paper I wrote back in grad school, and yet, they keep coming out. Maybe I should write a counter-book. Like, How To Avoid Pick-Up Artists, Bug-a-Boos and Assholes.

7. I’m spending too much time at work. I am up at 6 in the morning to go learn more about dildos. Seriously. Good thing I took May off, I don’t have time for anything else.





May I Do You in the Butt?

19 05 2012

My life has succumbed to the theoretical approaches of sexuality.

“From what I’ve heard” has become my catch phrase.

Last night I got off of work with plenty of time to go out, but no, instead I watched an educational video on pegging. Just because I was curious.

Pegging is when a woman wears a strap-on and has anal sex with a man.

The word came into popularity after columnist Dan Savage asked his readers to vote on their favorite term all the way back in 2001.

I am not really familiar with anal sex, I mean I know of it, but we’re not related.

Wait.

Anyway. You know what I mean. And I have a sneaking suspicion that I am not a minority here.

The butt can be a scary place, filled with mystery (and farts).

According to everyone who’s done it (professionally) it’s fun and clean (ish) as long as you do everything right, you know, like obvious things such as pooping prior to sex and then taking a shower.

I like to ask men their thoughts on pegging because I almost always get the same reaction and the day when I get a better one is the day I’m going to get married. . . . umm no, not married, it’s the day I’m going to go back to work and buy a strap-on. Those things are expensive and I’m not going to buy one “just in case.” There are too many other things I want, like the Form 2 and a metal locking cock-ring that I can wear as a bracelet.

It’s funny to me how scared guys are of their own butts; like guys have a prostate and if massaged correctly they’ll have even MORE intense orgasms, but because it’s associated with being more feminine (taking it) they choose instead to have just regular boring orgasms. I don’t get it. If you know that something is going to potentially be amazing and it’s as simple as slipping a finger in a particular hole why wouldn’t you do it?

Anyhoo, still contemplating my future. Considering getting a certificate in sex education and then perhaps writing a book about online dating or something regarding sexuality. I could go back to school and become a sexologist! I mean that’s pretty much what I’m doing now except I get paid shit and i don’t have the coolest title. Romance Consultant isn’t bad, but Romance Doctor would be better.

Porn rentals end tomorrow. This is a sad day for me. I still have Pee Wee’s BIG Adventure and Home “Improvement” parodies to watch. In ONE night. Maybe I’ll write commentary throughout so you all can enjoy too.