Jealousy is Just Love and Hate at the Same Time.

14 05 2012

It’s Monday. That means I’m exactly HALF WAY through Manless May. So, it’s time for another update. Is there a reason why guys seem to like me more this month? Is it because they know deep down that I will never allow it to happen? Thus a part of them wants to be the one to “break” me, while another part of them secretly doesn’t want anything to really happen either.

I was really hoping my period would start some time. But, since there is nothing medically wrong–according to all the tests I’ve had done–I guess I should just embrace it and be happy that I don’t have to deal with it for a little longer. I know people have a hard time accepting menstruation as a beautiful thing but I actually like the cyclical effects of it. I like how one’s body literally discards negative energy. A mini-death every month. It’s good for us.

I’ve realized that the further away a guy is the more crushable he becomes and I finally figured out why– because it’s safe. I don’t have to worry about changing my schedule, adjusting to another persons’s habits, or worst of all-falling in love, because they are all conveniently out of reach. I can flirt from a far in a fun, non-commital type of way. I can’t decide if this is healthy or harmful. I’m going to go with healthy. Because it’s a way for me to ease back into the concept of being in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. I can test my own boundaries and discover not only what I need, but what I want from other people.

The theory is that it takes half the amount of time out of a relationship to be completely (or almost entirely) healed from that relationship ending. I tend to move a lot faster than most people, so I’m guess instead of two and half ish years it’s going to take me one and half, which means, I am nearly half way there. To be perfectly honest, it was more a bruise to the ego than an actual heartbreak. And I feel it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to jump back into something just to be “in something.” Seems like many people are afraid of loneliness. But just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you’re not alone. Or the opposite. How does that really bad song go– “doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.” Either way. Being fulfilled by one’s self is the only way to be healthy, both in and out of relationships, which is why I’m focusing on me this month and not men.

Though, it seems like I’m still focusing a lot on men, which is frustrating. For example, this guy at work professes his love for me every day. I find this ridiculous. He’ll be talking about dates he has planned and he’ll say something like, “I’ll cancel all my dates this week, just to take you out once.” Silly things like that. It’s like, I know you can’t possibly be in love with me because you know nothing about me. All you know is that we work together and I have awesome dance moves to 90’s pop songs. That’s it. And then what? We go on a date and it’s like that episode where Lisa FINALLY goes out with Screech and Screech ends up not liking Lisa anymore and that whole running gag ends. Work would become awkward. Either way. If we ended up hitting it off or we didn’t. So, why even bother? Also, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not “me” he “loves” but what I represent. The allure of being with someone at work, when there are strict regulations against that type of behavior. We’re not even supposed to be friends with each outside of work, let alone date. And I don’t want to get fired. I actually like my job. Even though the pay is shit and sometimes really REALLY skanky methed-out people with attitude problems come in (but that’s everywhere right?).

Wasting my time on guys when I should be reading. Or writing. Or learning arithmetic (since I still suck at it). I obviously still have some self-esteem issues to work through. Though I understand that I often weigh my worth on whether or not other people like me, I still cannot stop myself from doing it. It’s sort of like having psychic powers where one can foretell the future but can do nothing to change it. I’m sure there is something I could do, but it probably costs a lot of money and psychiatric care. Or prozac. See, I understand theoretically that my worth is not based on other people’s opinions of me, but it would be a lie to say that I don’t, in reality, consider their opinions more than I should.

Anyway. I could go on and on, but I’m having a writing party today! Finally after like 2 years (holy cow!) someone new is going to start critiquing my work (and vice versa), so excited! For sure getting it together, slowly, but surely.



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