25 Ways I’m a Fuck Up.

4 06 2012

So, I know the world needs more positivity, but somehow someway I can’t shake this bad mood. I’ve decided to just write down (almost) everything that’s wrong me with in an attempt to expel it out into the universe and focus more on the good things that are left.

25. I’m 60K in debt because I thought getting a good education would get me somewhere, when in reality only I can get me somewhere and I haven’t made the trip yet.

24. I work in retail—even though I despise the concepts of capitalism.

23. Not only do I work in retail, I’m unreasonably good at selling shit. (This could have less to do with me and more to do with people already wanting to buy stuff, but I’d like to think I’m good at peer pressure.)

22. I have zits. Still. After like 15 years of dealing with them.

21. I want to drink all the time. Luckily I have yet to actually get to that point; there is still slight self-control.

20. I do drink at least a french press full of coffee every day; sometimes I also have energy drinks. Weee!

19. My diet consists mainly of tortilla chips, pickles, and peanut butter.

18. I hate most people.

17. I’m highly considering a part-time job that goes against pretty much everything I believe in.

16. I wonder what I believe in every day.

15. I don’t like handholding. Couples doing it around me, you trying to do it to me. Let hands be FREE!

14. Sometimes I smoke cigarettes.

13. I never meditate enough for the mediators.

12. On occasion I have accidently not eaten vegan.

11. It seems everyone has it together way more than I do. Like, everyone I know has good to decent job titles, strong relationships, smiles. A life-plan perhaps? Or at least ideals they want to live for/towards. I feel blank.

10. I wonder if I’m losing my emotional range. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to laugh. I just want to be left alone, and yet to be around people so that I’m not.

09. I must suck at being a friend. I apologize to anyone who believes me to be a friend. Tell me what I can do to be better.

08. I dream about disappearing.

07. I only crush on guys who are impossible.

06. I don’t regret being a slut. I regret not being slutty enough.

05. I fear I will never love again. And not in this dramatic I’ll-always-be-alone way but more in this, I-don’t-understand-how-that-even-works, sort of way.

04. Along the same lines, every day I watch people and every day the less and less I understand how they function, how they get through the day and are okay at the end of it.

03. I’ve started to not care when people tell me stories, or ask my opinion. Like, you’re going to do what you want any way, and who am I to help you when I can’t even help myself.

02. I do the opposite of what people tell me to do.

01. It’s taking me forever to read Infinite Jest because a part of me is afraid I’ll pull a David-Foster-Wallace at the end of it.

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2 responses

4 06 2012
A dude

Girl, you sound depressed. See a therapist, it might help.

4 06 2012
krystalfawn

Yeah, and guess who can’t afford to see a therapist. Why, do you think I blog?

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