Good Grief.

5 06 2012

I’ve mostly snapped out of the grumpy Debbie Downerness, just like I knew I would. Though this time it took longer than expected and more trial and error than usual.

I attempted almost everything.

Sitting with the feeling and really feeling it, allowing it to pass through my body–didn’t work.

A beer–didn’t work.

Masturbation–didn’t work.

Working out–didn’t work.

Writing–didn’t work.

Chugging an energy drink then talking to a ridiculously weird stripper–CHA CHING!

She and I bonded over our size 10 feet and “fought” over a cute pair of heels (that I’d never actually buy because I have no place to wear them AND they’re heels). She was wearing red glasses but one entire side was missing so they sat kind of lop-sided on her face. She was nervous about getting a server position at Shot Guns–never met anyone they didn’t hire–they called her right when she was getting ready to pay for the shoes so she ran out the door without getting them and I didn’t see her the rest of the night.

I’m sure we’ll meet again.

And I guess she’s not technically a stripper–but she will be soon (all “cocktail” waitresses end up dancing there, it’s inevitable).

My conclusion is that it was actually a combination of doing everything I could + time + distraction from thoughts that eventually allowed the grumpiness to escape.

Anyway. My own new glasses should give me a fresh perspective.

I appreciate everyone’s support, but it’s not an uncommon experience, for me. I don’t know how other people feel, if they ever go up and down–and what that range looks like to them. I have to accept that I will probably not understand how other humans function or why they make the decisions they do–and that’s okay–I don’t have to (even if I really want to know). I just need to focus on fixing the things I don’t like about myself. And maybe go buy some self-confidence somewhere. I think it was stolen years ago in grad school.

(One of my three new pair.)



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