Sex: What I am and am not looking for.

28 08 2012

It was just this morning when I realized that even though I get paid poorly (see what I did there) since starting work at the sex store in March I have, in some way, shape, or form gotten hundreds of people off. So, I am making the world a much more pleasurable pleasant place. AND I don’t even have to touch anyone to do it—just point them in the right direction. How grand!

It’s weird being single there.

I can’t decide if it’s an advantage—because I can sell more sex toys—or a disadvantage—because a big chunk (with the biggest chunkiest wallets) are couples.

But it doesn’t really matter because my plan is to stay “mostly single” for a long time.

By “mostly single” I mean that I am currently looking specifically for one friend-with-benefits for the fall.

Cool weather is on the way and I need a convenient reliable person specifically for sex and Netflix watching and nothing else really. I have work and working out and writing to do. I can’t be distracted by a full-blown relationship.  And I’m not going to want to go to the bars all the time—it is expensive and is becoming kind of boring. Also, I’m probably going to move out of Denver in the winter. So . . . what I don’t understand is why this friends w/ benefits thing is hard for others to accept and or really desire.

Like, theoretically people seem fine with it, but once one actually wants to do the FWB thing the other one seems to freak out somehow. I don’t know if it’s because people deep down want an “all or nothing” sort of thing or what. Perhaps all people secretly want other people to love them completely even if they are not capable of giving that kind of love.

Really I am about to give up on the whole concept all together. It’s technically designed to fail, and that’s sort of the beauty in it. For it to fail successfully both people must accept the fact that it’s going to end—whether by mutual agreement (the best kind), one or the other falling deep for someone else (the second best kind), or one or the other falling too deep for the other (the worst kind). If both people are conscious of any of these things happening it can be a successful relationship.

Relationships do not have to be designed to last a lifetime. I don’t know why people are so stuck on this notion. I mean, okay, I guess I do know why since it’s engrained into our psyches from the earliest of ages (think Disney movies etc). But just like our concepts of sexual orientation—that started out in a very binary structure—gay/straight but has now developed into more and more concepts LGTBQQP etc. so too can our concepts of relationship structures. Like how I’m a pansexual ethical slut. Or at least try to be.

Pansexual does not mean I will fuck anything that moves. It means I am attracted to people regardless of their gender identity. Which means, I’m attracted to pretty people. And I’m not talking about just physical appearance (though that helps); I’m talking about who they are as people—their intelligence, their humor, their overall demeanor.

Ethical Slut means that I attempt to be completely open and honest in all relationship dynamics that I have by telling the person I am attracted to what I am looking for so they are not lead into a false situation and can then decide themselves whether or not they are looking for the same thing. I am trying to get better at this. Pure honesty is hard sometimes, but it always feels the best in the end.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that if by the fall I have yet to establish a consistent FWB I will probably give up until the spring and at least be reassured (because of my full-time job) that other people are having a good time—and sometimes that’s all one can get.

10 Randoms: Goth Drunk Punched Love Hate Celebrate.

27 08 2012

1.) Last night we witnessed the neighbors walking into their apartment with a new puppy. At the time, I was like “oh my goodness, how adorable”. Today, with the neighbors gone and the puppy left alone I am thinking the exact opposite. So excited to hear this bitch yelp and whine every morning for the next few months.

2.) I almost saw a guy punch another guy while they were waiting for the bus. They were arguing very loudly. I bet that’s going to be an awesome bus ride for everyone.

3.) There are several guys that I used to have mega-crushes on who are now engaged. Good for them for finding love. Good to know someone still believes in it.

4.) I’ve been on a big Bush kick lately. I think this is weird. I even went to a record store trying to find on of their albums, but to no avail.

(I couldn’t find a real video for this song, weird.)

5.) I’m also digging the goth bars more and more. Maybe because the last time I went some guy hit my ass with his paddle… and I’m turning into a masochist.

6.) And maybe a bit of a sadist.

Pain for everyone!

7.) I’ve started working on a new writing project, sort of like a creative-nonfiction fiction sitcom based off of my daily life at the sex toy store. I think it could be “the one.”

8.) Last night we had a “mini-dinner party,” I had forgotten how much I enjoy cooking. It’s therapeutic, I get to cut vegetables with a knife, pound garlic down with my thumbs, smash and grind. It’s a good time. Plus the eating is always nice. I’ve decided I need to do it more. Like at least once a week. The more the merrier. Maybe. Unless you’re an asshole.

(Aren’t you proud of me for putting people in the picture of the food! Falafel for everyone!!!)

9.) Today’s tarot card reading: Ten of Coins and Six of Wands. It appears that I will be having a prosperous day. Yay! Success!

10.)  My friend and I were discussing the theoretical implications of “the friend zone.” He claimed that once you’re in it, it’s almost impossible to get out. And I’ve been thinking about that for awhile and I’m not exactly sure I believe it. Because, I have had people who have grown on me over time; people I initially only looked at as friends but then suddenly, often times out of nowhere, I realized that I liked that person more. So yes, when you’re in “the friend zone” it may take longer, but it can indeed happen. If that’s what you really want. But usually there is a reason they were only friends to begin with. . . (again that’s from someone who is pretty fatalistic/realistic/nihilistic/ about love).

10 Realizations.

22 08 2012

1. When the bartender comes up at the end of the night and tells me everything will be okay and hugs me, twice–proof that I spend way too much time drinking in public.

2. I should, at all times, have a bag of tater tots in the freezer, just in case of emergency.

3. I need to develop a proper evil villain cackle. I’m getting pretty close. Maleficent is still my idol and I do not understand why in the world they picked Angelina Jolie to play her in a movie. I mean maybe it would have worked ten years ago when she was still a badass, but now? No. No. No. I don’t really know who would have been better, originally I would have said Angelica Huston but she’s too old now. Maybe Mara Rooney?  Too young. Finnne, Angelina, it’s all you.

4. I don’t have feelings anymore. Like, I know how I’m supposed to respond and act, but inside–nothing. For example, I heard some interesting news last night that should have made me angry or sad but instead I was just like wtf, that’s dumb, let’s get drunk. And that’s what happened. I wonder when it’s all going to be realized. I wonder if I’ll ever cry?

5. I want chinese food every day, but every day I find a way not to order it. I think I’m afraid I’ll become addicted to it, then Peter and I will have to start seeing each other regularly and I don’t know if he’d be a good match for me. (Peter of Peter’s Chinese–also he’s probably married and such so that was just a really bad joke.)

6. I went to bed at like 3 a.m. last night then I woke up at 7:30 and went for a run. I think I did run the hangover part out, so all that was left was tired and I fixed that by going right back to sleep. This could possibly be my new hangover solution.

7. I need someone to hold me accountable on a number of things 1. My writing 2. Working out 3. Limiting my intoxication 4. cooking more 5. Finding a better job–feel free to take any or all of these holding-me-accountable options.

8. Confession: I watched the first season of Jersey Shore. And it wasn’t as dumb as I thought it was going to be. Maybe because I was expecting it to be much worse? I don’t know. I mean I understand their desire to have a good time, to meet people, to have crazydrunksex and punch things–perhaps I should move to the shore and become ONE OF THEM. Bahaha. That could never happen.

9. All I want relationship-wise right now is reliable sex and someone to watch netflix with. I don’t think this is too much to ask. If you know of anyone who may be interested in this setup send them my way!

10. I have the most amazing friends in the world. And I thank them for putting up with me and getting me through this year of 27 changes.


And My Neighborhood Just Turned Creepy.

13 08 2012

I glanced out my window at just the right time to see a guy who didn’t live in the apartment next door walk in. A few minutes later I heard the neighbor’s dog start barking and the guy walked out and wrote something down on a piece of paper. I found this to be incredibly suspicious so I got online to see exactly how I would report such thing, as he didn’t do anything technically, except trespass I suppose. Anyway, I still haven’t reported it because I got distracted by the sex offender search.

1488 in a five-mile radius.

That’s one thousand four hundred and eighty eight perv right outside my door.

I started looking at them individually and it made me sick.

Then I started rating them, like, oh well this one was 18 when convicted so he probably just had a 16-year-old girlfriend.

Sodomy? Oh, so he likes it up the butt? Whatever.

Oh, that guy fucked an animal in Arkansas, so shocked.

Then I started looking closer at their faces and I noticed that some of them had slight smirks in their pictures. And I was like WHAT ARE THEY SMILING ABOUT!!!!

And I wondered if it was just a instinctual thing to smile because their picture was being taken or if they were seriously demented.

Somebody once warned me never to look at that and now I wish I would have listened.

I mean, that’s almost 300 sex offenders per mile radius. Does this not seem like an incredibly big number? Doesn’t this really highlight our culture’s fucked up concepts of sexuality?

It reminds me of Gayle Rubin’s essay “Thinking Sex” and what our society deems appropriate and not appropriate sexual behavior. This is a huge issue that stems deep without our culture’s construction and would take book upon book to really describe and breakdown, but bottom line, it’s about time to redefine gender roles and power dynamics because 300 creepers a mile doesn’t sit well with me. And that guy creeping into my neighbor’s apartment– also freaks me out. Maybe it’s time to move far far away to a secluded countryside with no neighbors?

Throwing in the Love Towel.

10 08 2012

Yesterday I had what I’d like to call a “Rage Against the Machine Day” because I literally wanted to rage against the jackhammer that started chopping up asphalt at 8 in the morning and didn’t stop until 4. . . when I had to go to work. Not everyone has an 8 to 5 schedule. There are some of us who actually work the opposite of that. And this world is obviously not designed for our convenience, which is probably while most of us drink excessively and hate everything.

Speaking of hating everything–that happened again too.

It wasn’t a feeling of being tired, being tired I could handle (and do on a regular basis). It was a feeling of being fucked. No, not fucking, or fucked over or fucked up. Fucked. I thought maybe I had done something really shitty and the world was trying to balance it out, yet I have no idea what that would have been, so the whole karma belief dissipated and I realized that sometimes existing is just rough.

It was a day in which I questioned everything I believe in and started to believe in nothing. . . no, I didn’t even believe in nothing. I had no beliefs. I gave up on all the abstracts we cling to, love, loyalty, honesty, happiness. And instead I just glared at people. Wondering how they continued to move through the world every day in a seemingly content sort of way; wondering how I move through the world every day without completely destructing.

And it hasn’t gone way entirely yet either. I’m still in that thought-mode.

Even concepts that I’ve believed in for so long I’ve given up on, veganism, feminism, etc. It’s not like I’m going to go out and kill a cow or try to outlaw abortion–I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care enough to stop being vegan or to stop being a feminist, but I’m not going to put any effort into them, whatever that means.

It comes down to my whole issue with giving up on love. The big one. The abstractest abstract concept of them all. I think I’m mourning over the loss.

Okay, giving up on love is pretty vague. Here’s more of what I mean. When I think about what I need from people and what I can give, it doesn’t match up. It’s not fair to get involved with people when I’m such a mess. It’s not healthy for them or for me. When I sit here and imagine my future, there is no one I can vision getting me or even wanting to.

Maybe that’s the even bigger issue, I can’t see anyone wanting to, and that’s okay. Yeah, I’m a little sad about it, but I also want to be realistic about my existence. Why chase something that will never be?

I need accept it.

Just like my schedule doesn’t align well with jackhammers neither does my love align well with, well, anything.

Yay to Self-Analysis with No Self-Help!

8 08 2012

I went on a date last night with a certified nerd. We started talking about Harry Potter and about how someone I know owns a cape and a wand based off the movies. He admitted to owning a wand himself and then he asked if there was anything I was really into.

I thought about it for a second and said “no, I like to keep everything equally distant from me so nothing can ever break my heart.”

At the time we just laughed about it, but the more I think about it, the more depressed I become.

And it’s not like being really into Harry Potter or Star Wars or Comic Books could break a person’s heart, which is why nerds are into that stuff anyway, but the things that I used to be really into actually can and do.

The only things I’ve ever really collected (besides a troll obsession in 2nd grade) have been ideas—feminism, veganism, existentialism, socialism, theoretical approaches to race, class, sexuality, freedom. The more one learns the more painful life becomes. Seeing through the fabric that keeps America clothed is rather frightening and sad.

Maybe that’s why for the past two years I’ve kept my distance. Maybe that distance is why I haven’t accomplished anything with my life. Maybe feeling like I need to accomplish something is just another layer of societal guilt keeping me in this constant state of push-pull.

Maybe I need to quit going on dates.

That’s a big one right there. If I responded with, “I like to keep everything equally distant,” it’s really obvious I should not be dating. I am not capable of letting anyone in. It would be almost impossible to develop any sort of meaningful relationship with me because the entire time I’d just be waiting for the moment in which it all fell to shit. Because it will.

Yeah yeah, many people probably want to respond with, “but just enjoy it while you can,” or “if you found the right person. . . .”


I am not capable of being in a meaningful relationship. It has been concluded. That is the final decision.

And with that I give up.

I would like to find an obsession. I would like to really be into something. But I don’t want to allow anything that much power over me. I want to be able to walk away if I need to. I need to be able to walk away when I have to.