Change, Cycle, Beauty, Blood, Love.

28 09 2012

Yesterday I was in a really good mood. This was really rare. I was in a really good mood, which was a really good thing because a lot of semi-shitty things happened yesterday. And almost none of it bothered me. If I hadn’t been in a good mood I’m thinking someone would have gotten punched in the throat, so, yay for that. I was finding humor in everything. Though it stopped after a really good friend suddenly turned into a really big ass—out of nowhere really—and then when I got home I somehow knocked a glass over and it shattered all over my bedroom carpet—neither of those things were very humorous. But every thing else definitely was.

And today I’ve been wondering why it works that way.

Like, how, almost seemingly out of nowhere I can be perfectly content with the outside world, I can look at people and find something, at least one thing, good enough about them to make me chuckle. And then other days it’s the opposite, other days it takes everything in me to find a reason not to want to completely destroy them with my evil glare.

So, today, everything has been scattered. I’ve been trying to rearrange my room including my closet for the upcoming change in season; I’m curious if it is the change in season itself that is throwing the world into a sort of flux. Or maybe the alignment of the moon. Or maybe it’s just me, because my period started today, and my period makes my whole life weird. Weird because Aunt Flo doesn’t really visit me too often and I’m never quite sure how to be a welcoming host. I’m am totally glad it’s back, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the cycle. I enjoy the concept of the cycle anyway. The physical ability to release negativity from my life and start over. Cleanse the bad from my system.  Perhaps I just have to have a sort of scattered day in order to have many more organized ones in the future.

I was at the post office sending my now non-working bullet vibrator back to the manufacturer and I realized I had forgotten to comb my hair or put makeup on or make sure I didn’t have globs of makeup leftover from the night before and I thought—this is very masculine of me. To not remember enough to care. And how most of us, male, female, etc., do care about our outside appearance—for others—and the very act of not caring is subversive and maybe even a little rude. Subversive in that it’s not conforming to the beauty standard, which makes others around us realize there are other ways to be, to look.

But rude because we all enjoy looking at that which is appealing much more than that which is not. Yes, part of what we find appealing is socially structured—conforming—so when we break that we’re essentially breaking a social code of behavior.

And yet, in it’s own little way, that code breaking is appealing in itself.

Anyhoo. These thoughts themselves could be better organized, but since it’s a scattered day I’m just going to let them go and go with the flow myself.

Advertisements




10 Randoms: Secrets Don’t Make Friends, but Since I Have Enough of Those Already. . .

27 09 2012

1.) Well. I realized that when I get scheduled during the day it is impossible for me to blog. So, every two weeks it seems I will not be blogging. I don’t really think it’s necessarily consistent to have me work two weeks at a time opening and then two weeks at a time closing but at least a pattern is starting to emerge. I prefer working nights. Because I can write and workout and read during the day, then go to work. Whereas if I work in the day, when I get home I tend to just eat a bunch of food and then go out and drink. Terrible. Terribly unproductive.

2.) The next door neighbor’s dog is barking. I’ve been contemplating getting a dog. I still don’t think I am responsible enough.

3.) All the things I want to tell you I can’t.

4.) Yes. I have secrets.

5.) My computer is incredibly dirty. Those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers actually work pretty well, though I have no idea where I put them.

6.) I haven’t had this color of nail polish since the 6th grade. Nostalgia.

7.) I’m happy that it’s rainy–I’m not ONLY happy when it’s raining, but when it hardly ever happens and then it does, it really puts me in a better mood.

8.) Also this happened on facebook earlier and well, it really made me giggle.

9.) Hey! I’ve gone out with the same guy more than one time. I hope you are all proud of me.

10.) All I really want is stuffing. Like every day from now until spring. I don’t get why people only eat it once, maybe twice, a year.





9 Randoms: Where the Skin Meets the Paddle.

20 09 2012

1. Sometimes I feel like I need to be the center of attention and sometimes I feel like I need to be left completely alone; it becomes a problem when I can’t figure out which one it is I need at the time.

2. I’ve been single for basically a year now. Let’s do a quick recap—moved out of one Boulder apartment into a Boulder house with my now ex boss who kicked me out two months later because she fell in love with someone from ok cupid after a week of dating; a guy who would later ask me on that same dating site to pay me $500 to play with my feet. With the loss of housing I also lost my job. I moved to Denver, where I started working at a sex toy store and somewhere, either before or after that became somewhat of a slut (I’ll spare you the number). And now, now, I’m still at the store but am definitely not being slutty enough; contemplating my next move (either literally or professionally or both).

3.) I went to my first BDSM dungeon the other night. I just observed everything, but let’s face it, it is about time someone starts beating me up.

4.) On that same subject-ish. I’ve realized I have a very hard time belonging to “a community,” be it movements I actually believe in, feminism, veganism, etc. or things I want to do with my life like writing, music etc. I can do my part to get along with everyone in the group–to fit in–so to speak, but I never feel like I should be there. Or I never feel like it matters if I am there or not. I’m an outsider “just observing.” I’ve come to the conclusion that it is because I am a writer. I never take anything in too deep because deep down I am trained to critically analyze everything, to understand all sides, to watch and pay attention to the details only to note them so everyone else can understand it (whatever “it” is) better.

5.) I have moments where it takes me a good length of time to figure out what day it is.

6.) I woke up this morning remembered where my life is headed and decided it’s probably time for me to seriously start seeing a professional. People have been telling me for years to do it, but I’ve been way too stubborn, thinking it would ruin my writing and make me one of those happy chipper people I can’t stand being around.

7.) Today I begin writing episode 2 of the television series I am developing. It’s prime-time for this, though considering it is “graphic” and “phallic” in nature it probably could never be on prime time.

8.) I sell vibrators wherever I go; I mean I go to bars and convince people to come into the store and buy one. I am the worst pimp ever. Buy this great expensive toy and NEVER come back. Yay one percent commission!

9.) Where do the days go?





Re-Focusing My Focus: Moving Away from Abstract Concepts.

11 09 2012

It won’t be long until summer is gone and everyone who felt something will be cold again.

It’s weird how the season’s change people. Just like the days of the week. I wonder what this year will bring. Strange because I feel like the end of the heat is the end of the year.

I had to give up on a boy (again, I know) and that is fine.

But always sad.

Take S for an example. He was around me a lot during the winter then suddenly he fell for someone else and moved basically to a different planet. All I got as a response from other people was, “yeah he does that,” like, if I had been in a better place I could have gotten him to go anywhere with me. But no, now I’m still here, bouncing from bar to bar, drink to drink, questioning everything and coming up with no answers.

And it wasn’t that I was even in love with S–he’s the example because I wasn’t.

Was not.

I was in love with his spirit, his ability to get super excited about ideas and possibilities. I guess I loved his love he gave the world. Perhaps that’s the same problem I’m having with this other guy. But if this is the case, do we ever really love a person or what that person represents? I loved R because he was creative and challenging, so maybe I just loved creativity and challenges? But is it so wrong that people are the representations of these things? And is it so wrong to love them because of that–because why else would we love them? Just because they exist? Their existence doesn’t do anything to heighten our own existence, unless we find in them something we’re either missing or wanting more of. I mean why else do we socialize? To feel connected in some way… but to feel that connection we have to have something unifying us. Perhaps that’s why so many people are obsessed with sports. Not because they have any connection to the players but because the team represents where they’re from/who they are and it gives them something to talk about with others in the area, which then makes them feel a part of something bigger than they are. It’s unfortunate that it has to be something so trivial and useless as football, but simple things never seem to be taken for granted.

I guess the more important question here, since this is not about anyone else, is what am I missing? Do I need to find someone to fill that void or can I do it myself? Does this person need to be someone I’m intimate with physically or just a friend? Is it multiple people I’m seeking? Multiple activities? What do I need to let go of? What do I need to embrace?

I think I do need someone to challenge me. To keep me accountable. But it’s weird because I almost feel like I have to “like like” this person and I have to feel that if I do not do impressive things that this person will not like me back. For example, I could have my mother tell me to get some writing done and I would do it or I wouldn’t because I want to write anyway, but I know that even if I don’t get any done she’s still going to love me no matter what. I guess I need someone to love me only if I’m writing. To love my writing. To perhaps not even love me at all and only love my writing. Or to love me only if I’m a writer, writing, and not just one of those people who claim their a writer but actually never write anything.

Maybe I just need deadlines.

Also since grad school ended I lack the intellectual stimulation that I need. I feel I am going stupid. I want to stay up all night arguing about post-modern theory, whether or not Barbara Kruger is brilliant, why Snookie and the like are reproducing when there are already 7 BILLION people in the world, if there will ever be a time period when more Americans have tattoos than don’t etc. etc. etc.

I need to do more things than just go to bars.

I need to make things.

At this point perhaps I should just start a creativity club—where people come over and we work on whatever we need to work on and then we share it or we don’t depending on our moods.

Or a book club.

Or both.

The mega problem is that I never have the same days off of work. So, I don’t know how to make this a regular thing. Maybe I’ll tell my boss I can’t work Monday nights since they’re the most boring nights in the entire world to work. Every Monday we (whoever we are) will unite over our own individual creativity and intellectual stimulation and make shit happen. . . who’s in?





My Future in a Bowl: Drawing My Next Move.

8 09 2012

If anyone has an opinion on any of these places, or advice of actually living in those places, or are interested in moving to any of (the top 4) places with me, please leave me a comment or message me.

The Places that Won.

1.) Chile

2.) Sweden

3.) Brazil

4.) Portugal

5.) Colorado

(Not sure how I feel about #5 since the whole point was moving away, but maybe I’m supposed to give it a little more time here?)

 

(How could I not want to move here?)





Letting Go of What I Know I Should Not Want.

7 09 2012

I have come to realize that I am attracted to and desire that in which I cannot have. In regards to people, particularly. It is unfortunate for them because it happens to not be the person I am attracted to, but the challenge of getting said person to do what I want. When there appears to be more obstacles the more attracted I am. Perhaps it’s because I do not have any clear life goals right now, so channeling that into something simple, like my love life, has become the norm. I know this is not healthy. I am completely aware that the very person I most want to be with is the one person I should not be with in reality. And yet, the desire will not fade, even if every logical and sensible thought (and friend) begs me to stop.

I can’t decide if this psychological issue is based around a feeling of low self-worth; like I want to be with this particular drama-surrounded person to 1.) distract me from my own drama 2.) try to fix said drama 3.) not actually be with said person but continually go after it because I deep down do not actually want to let a relationship into my life.

Probably all of the above and more.

I know what’s best. I am aware of what I should do. But knowing and should-ing aren’t necessary paths I will follow.

It’s as if completely cognizant of my intentions to walk into a burning building knowing that it’s not only going to be hot it could potentially kill me and yet, there I go.

How can I force myself to stop and turn the other way?

I must acknowledge that I cannot get everything I want. And by accepting the fact that I did not win this game I did in fact win, because the person wasn’t what I wanted as much as the desire to succeed at the challenge. And that’s just downright stupid for so many reasons that I hope are apparent.

Why is my head so wrapped up in this person? When there are so many other beautiful people with less baggage existing in the world? Some sort of mindfuck manipulation had to have happened. And I’m finally snapping out of it.

I really do have that problem where when people tell me “no” I will want to do it even more. Seems like a very immature personality trait. I’d like to get rid of it.

So I guess, it’s best to start now.

Today.

With this guy.

I can’t have him. Fine. I won’t.

I’m moving on. I will distract myself with other people until he just fades away into an after-thought. It’s really the best choice, for everyone.

See, it’s already starting to get better.





5 Randoms: Settle While I Stir.

3 09 2012

1.) Is Labor Day Weekend a popular engagement time? Why are all my facebook friends suddenly engaged? Be careful friends, be careful.

2.) While everyone else is settling I’m restlessly whore-ing it up and I can honestly say I prefer it this way. We’re all TOO YOUNG. As my favorite bartender says, “We only live once,” this is also the same bar that has a chalkboard that reads 2012: The Year of Bad Decisions, so those are two things to live by, particularly while drinking.

3.) Speaking of bars and slutness. I ran into 3 guys I used to see at the same bar last night and what could have been incredibly awkward was actually just hilarious. At least to me.

4.) I really need to make plans for the fall. I’m thinking a kickboxing class and tv show writing and less bad decision making–or more, as long as I do the other two things first.

5.) Tarot card reading for the day: Seven of Coins and Nine of Wands (for the 500th time); I have good ideas that I just need to be more persistent with, shock shock.