Letting Go of What I Know I Should Not Want.

7 09 2012

I have come to realize that I am attracted to and desire that in which I cannot have. In regards to people, particularly. It is unfortunate for them because it happens to not be the person I am attracted to, but the challenge of getting said person to do what I want. When there appears to be more obstacles the more attracted I am. Perhaps it’s because I do not have any clear life goals right now, so channeling that into something simple, like my love life, has become the norm. I know this is not healthy. I am completely aware that the very person I most want to be with is the one person I should not be with in reality. And yet, the desire will not fade, even if every logical and sensible thought (and friend) begs me to stop.

I can’t decide if this psychological issue is based around a feeling of low self-worth; like I want to be with this particular drama-surrounded person to 1.) distract me from my own drama 2.) try to fix said drama 3.) not actually be with said person but continually go after it because I deep down do not actually want to let a relationship into my life.

Probably all of the above and more.

I know what’s best. I am aware of what I should do. But knowing and should-ing aren’t necessary paths I will follow.

It’s as if completely cognizant of my intentions to walk into a burning building knowing that it’s not only going to be hot it could potentially kill me and yet, there I go.

How can I force myself to stop and turn the other way?

I must acknowledge that I cannot get everything I want. And by accepting the fact that I did not win this game I did in fact win, because the person wasn’t what I wanted as much as the desire to succeed at the challenge. And that’s just downright stupid for so many reasons that I hope are apparent.

Why is my head so wrapped up in this person? When there are so many other beautiful people with less baggage existing in the world? Some sort of mindfuck manipulation had to have happened. And I’m finally snapping out of it.

I really do have that problem where when people tell me “no” I will want to do it even more. Seems like a very immature personality trait. I’d like to get rid of it.

So I guess, it’s best to start now.

Today.

With this guy.

I can’t have him. Fine. I won’t.

I’m moving on. I will distract myself with other people until he just fades away into an after-thought. It’s really the best choice, for everyone.

See, it’s already starting to get better.

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