9 Randoms: Where the Skin Meets the Paddle.

20 09 2012

1. Sometimes I feel like I need to be the center of attention and sometimes I feel like I need to be left completely alone; it becomes a problem when I can’t figure out which one it is I need at the time.

2. I’ve been single for basically a year now. Let’s do a quick recap—moved out of one Boulder apartment into a Boulder house with my now ex boss who kicked me out two months later because she fell in love with someone from ok cupid after a week of dating; a guy who would later ask me on that same dating site to pay me $500 to play with my feet. With the loss of housing I also lost my job. I moved to Denver, where I started working at a sex toy store and somewhere, either before or after that became somewhat of a slut (I’ll spare you the number). And now, now, I’m still at the store but am definitely not being slutty enough; contemplating my next move (either literally or professionally or both).

3.) I went to my first BDSM dungeon the other night. I just observed everything, but let’s face it, it is about time someone starts beating me up.

4.) On that same subject-ish. I’ve realized I have a very hard time belonging to “a community,” be it movements I actually believe in, feminism, veganism, etc. or things I want to do with my life like writing, music etc. I can do my part to get along with everyone in the group–to fit in–so to speak, but I never feel like I should be there. Or I never feel like it matters if I am there or not. I’m an outsider “just observing.” I’ve come to the conclusion that it is because I am a writer. I never take anything in too deep because deep down I am trained to critically analyze everything, to understand all sides, to watch and pay attention to the details only to note them so everyone else can understand it (whatever “it” is) better.

5.) I have moments where it takes me a good length of time to figure out what day it is.

6.) I woke up this morning remembered where my life is headed and decided it’s probably time for me to seriously start seeing a professional. People have been telling me for years to do it, but I’ve been way too stubborn, thinking it would ruin my writing and make me one of those happy chipper people I can’t stand being around.

7.) Today I begin writing episode 2 of the television series I am developing. It’s prime-time for this, though considering it is “graphic” and “phallic” in nature it probably could never be on prime time.

8.) I sell vibrators wherever I go; I mean I go to bars and convince people to come into the store and buy one. I am the worst pimp ever. Buy this great expensive toy and NEVER come back. Yay one percent commission!

9.) Where do the days go?

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