Change, Cycle, Beauty, Blood, Love.

28 09 2012

Yesterday I was in a really good mood. This was really rare. I was in a really good mood, which was a really good thing because a lot of semi-shitty things happened yesterday. And almost none of it bothered me. If I hadn’t been in a good mood I’m thinking someone would have gotten punched in the throat, so, yay for that. I was finding humor in everything. Though it stopped after a really good friend suddenly turned into a really big ass—out of nowhere really—and then when I got home I somehow knocked a glass over and it shattered all over my bedroom carpet—neither of those things were very humorous. But every thing else definitely was.

And today I’ve been wondering why it works that way.

Like, how, almost seemingly out of nowhere I can be perfectly content with the outside world, I can look at people and find something, at least one thing, good enough about them to make me chuckle. And then other days it’s the opposite, other days it takes everything in me to find a reason not to want to completely destroy them with my evil glare.

So, today, everything has been scattered. I’ve been trying to rearrange my room including my closet for the upcoming change in season; I’m curious if it is the change in season itself that is throwing the world into a sort of flux. Or maybe the alignment of the moon. Or maybe it’s just me, because my period started today, and my period makes my whole life weird. Weird because Aunt Flo doesn’t really visit me too often and I’m never quite sure how to be a welcoming host. I’m am totally glad it’s back, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the cycle. I enjoy the concept of the cycle anyway. The physical ability to release negativity from my life and start over. Cleanse the bad from my system.  Perhaps I just have to have a sort of scattered day in order to have many more organized ones in the future.

I was at the post office sending my now non-working bullet vibrator back to the manufacturer and I realized I had forgotten to comb my hair or put makeup on or make sure I didn’t have globs of makeup leftover from the night before and I thought—this is very masculine of me. To not remember enough to care. And how most of us, male, female, etc., do care about our outside appearance—for others—and the very act of not caring is subversive and maybe even a little rude. Subversive in that it’s not conforming to the beauty standard, which makes others around us realize there are other ways to be, to look.

But rude because we all enjoy looking at that which is appealing much more than that which is not. Yes, part of what we find appealing is socially structured—conforming—so when we break that we’re essentially breaking a social code of behavior.

And yet, in it’s own little way, that code breaking is appealing in itself.

Anyhoo. These thoughts themselves could be better organized, but since it’s a scattered day I’m just going to let them go and go with the flow myself.



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