Well, This is Embarrassing.

30 10 2012

Last night I met up with this guy, who theoretically should be a really good match. He also has two masters degrees, is vegan, hates sports, etc. but just because you have basics in common doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll fall in love, or even like the person.

The encounter didn’t go so well. For one thing he was indecisive, which drives me nuts. Being the all-time assertive one in the relationship is not something I want. I’ve done that before. For many years in fact, and I’m over. I am perfectly fine with making some of the decisions, but I don’t think I should be responsible for doing it every time, all the time.

That wasn’t really the problem. Though it irritated me. And because I was irritated I got really bored and tired before he even showed up.

Finally, he did.

Then we got into this argument about how to have a conversation.

Or, more importantly, he asked me to, “tell him an embarrassing story.”

And I wasn’t in the mood.

He claimed that either 1.) Nothing ever embarrassing has ever happened to me (which would mean I’m some sort of cyborg alien human hybrid) or 2) It would have to be so embarrassing as to not want to share (which would have been completely acceptable, had that been the reason.)

I of course went with the cyborg alien human hybrid response.

Because I agree that embarrassing things have happened to me, but at the time I couldn’t think of anything worthy of story-telling. Yeah, I’ve tripped, I’ve farted at in-opportune times, I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth, but everyone has done those things. Thus, I don’t find them embarrassing. Or suitable for discussion.

I’m beginning to think I really do have something wrong with me. Perhaps it’s just basic nihilism –I don’t care if I do something awkward–I’m not existing on this planet to impress people.

At some point he said, “oh, nothing embarrassing, so are you a virgin?,” piggy-backing off a previous conversation that also didn’t go so well. As if having sex is embarrassing. Of course it is, but just like being caught with your zipper down, it’s happened to everyone. Thus, who cares?

Therein lies the main issue here– who cares. Obviously not me. This highlights why I should just stop meeting people entirely. He also implied that I was boring. At the time I would entirely agree with that. I was being boring. It was nice to be called out on it. A critical examination of my terrible dating skills. No wonder I’ve gone on so many.

And no wonder I feel it’s time for me to overhaul my personality. I don’t really know what that means or how it looks, but whatever I’ve got going on for me right now is clearly not working. For me. Or for anyone I’m meeting. So. I guess I just need to be a different person. Maybe a person who cares, who gets embarrassed, who can expose vulnerability and be okay with herself after it.


If not, whatever, nihilism hasn’t killed me yet.

10 Randoms: I Will Dildoddle Your Caboddle.

26 10 2012

1.) Things are breaking all around me. More importantly I am breaking things all around me. Mostly little things but some of those things are going to be quite a pain in the ass to replace, like the mega-lid that covered my mega-pan that I use to cook with all the time. Bummerville. I’m wondering if all this breaking is a sign that I need to re-focus, slow down, pay more attention to my surroundings, quit being such an anxiety-ridden quack. It’s hard to tell at this point, it could just be the alignment of the moon (I really need to quit blaming the alignment of the moon for things.)

2.) I bought my winter boyfriend yesterday. I’ve been eyeing him for months. He’s called Tiger  from the company Fun Factory.  Medical grade silicone. Rechargeable. 2 year-warranty. I think he’ll be my longest latest least stressful relationship. I should probably name him something other than Tiger. I’ll wait until we have a date or two before I decide on a proper one.

3. Speaking of toys. Since I have +10 now I’ve decided I need to invent a caboodle for toys, but of course I want to call it a dildoodle. Isn’t that kind of brilliant. DON’T STEAL MY IDEA OR I’LL MURDER YOU (you can guess how I’d do it too I’m sure.) So, it will be like a trunk or a chest, but it will have compartments in that are lined with material that doesn’t cause those little fabric stickys and is also waterproof. And duh, it will have a removable top shelf and the bottom will be vast so a person could put all their larger items (double dongs, whips, squirtsheets, etc.) in it. I should probably talk to the Liberator company about this. I really should not have made this idea public.

4.) I got a new haircut. The platinum is gone. Goodbye summer, hello winter. I think my roommate is the best stylist I’ve ever had. I’d recommend her to everyone, but she’s very selective and will only cut the coolest people’s hair.

5.) That song, “I will do anything for love,” is playing at the bookstore I’m at. I’ve never really understood this song. Because it’s so vague. WHAT WON’T HE DO?!! It’s so confusing. How could he say he’d do anything and then take it back? It’s like Rose from Titanic saying she will never let go and then she basically pushes Jack into the ocean to die.

6.) All of my Halloween plans have now fallen through. It sort of depresses me. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, but this year it’s been rather blah. I hope it changes. I have a panda to dress up as (And Mia Wallace and Jane from Daria and maybe a Juggalette and who knows what else!)

7.) Why would any woman want to be a Juggalette? In real life. During dress-up time I can understand. But I cannot understand it in reality.

8.) Sometimes when I’m not at work but I’m close to a door and I see someone youngish walk in I wonder, “why is no one id-ing them!” then I realize that most places are not 18+ older. It’s awkward because I always look at them funny.

9.) I’m meeting another vegan in like 20 minutes. Let’s hope it’s not like the last vegan I met who was hung-over and insisted on talking about sports almost the entire time even though I specifically said at the beginning of our conversation that I hated sports and didn’t want to talk about them. The only good thing I found in that is the fact that the vegan community is now becoming quite diverse. It used to be when someone said they were vegan and you were vegan you’d have more in common than just that—now that’s not necessarily true.

10.) Sometimes bookstores can be overwhelming because I realize how many other people write books, how many books I have not read and how many books of mine are not on the shelf. But, one day, one day there will be at least one of mine in here. At least one.

A First Snow Free Write.

25 10 2012

One splotch of nail polish left on one nail, all the others are bare, stained yellow from colors prior, the shapes all rounded and jagged and square. Nothing matches. Nothing is uniform. The room is littered with a hodgepodge of fall and winter attire, costumes and coats, socks curled into themselves like delicate rotting flowers. There is no way around it. When it’s here it’s here and there is no going back to a warmer time. One starts to wonder if there ever was a warmer time. Was it possible that I did sweat due to the sun that now seems impossible to find? Was there really a time when I needed an industrial strength fan? Is it strange that people here drive much better in the snow than in the rain? As if one form of water is more tolerable to them than another. It was never my intention to stay here long, but no other place is tempting me more. I don’t really know what that means. When I was a kid I don’t remember what I wanted to my future career to be, except once in 6th grade my friend J and I decided then and there that we should steal the red corvette in the parking lot, head to California and become actresses. Now, that was a dream. In my dreams last night I was playing volleyball; the men on my team where being rather sexist and I remember wanting to spike the ball in their faces instead of over the net—our team did not win. It’s funny how we have a calendar that tells us when the seasons change, when we can just look out the window and tell what time of year it is. I wish I had a calendar that would tell me what kind of mood I was going to be in that day, because I think that would prevent a lot of problems. I’ve almost picked all the paint off the nail. Then what, I just paint them again? Such is this cycle. But what color represents this new season, this new mood?

10 Randoms: Slow and Fast Recovery.

24 10 2012

1.) It’s weird when the world around you keeps going and all you want to do is sleep.

2.) When I’m sick, I realize I often use the wrong words, like I’ll write “told” instead of “so” or “my” instead of “me” etc.

3.) I’m feeling better. But am I feeling better enough to dress up like a panda for work?

4.) I need more focus. I think I need to hire a life coach.

5.) Or I need to read that book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It’s on my to-do list. . . well, not yet, once I figure out where I put my to-do list I will put it on there.

6.) I’ve also come to discover that if I feel like something isn’t good enough just as what it is, I always make it into something more. For example, my job. All the stories and weirdness and lack of monetary gain cannot be kept secret, thus I’m turning it into a tv show. Sure, these first drafts probably suck ass but at least I’m doing something with it. Same goes for my dating life. There is a slight chance that with in the next few months I will be exposing it to the world. But you won’t know it’s me, so don’t worry.

7.) Oh dating. Sort of glad I got sick so I could take a break from that. Maybe it happened just for that very reason.

8.) There really are a lot of people in the world who I find not very attractive. I’m not saying that they are unattractive, just that I don’t find them attractive. I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel the same way about me.

9.) I started watching Sons of Anarchy as per suggested by a friend, the only reason I keep watching it is because of this guy. My new boyfriend.


10.) I’m pretty sure I am the only person on earth who has such an eclectic taste in who I’m attracted to, even though I’m so not attracted to so many people. But there are a lot of people in the world. I’m just saying, based off of my recent record of dating, no one could pinpoint a type for me. Seriously though, that guy minus the facial hair would be my #1 go-to. And yeah, then, Jake Gyllenhaal. You hear that Jake, you’ve been demoted.

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To Bed I Said.

23 10 2012

The most important time to have a significant other is when you are sick. Yeah sure, it’s nice to have someone around when you’re healthy and having fun, but it’s not really vital.

And it’s not like it’s vital that sick people have a significant other, all I’m saying is that it would be really helpful and appreciated to have someone around fetching things for me, kissing my forehead, cooking me soup, etc.

It’s a great test. Seeing someone at their worst, deciding if their worst is tolerable or if skedaddling would be a better option. If I were someone else I’d flee this situation immediately. Luckily no one is around to watch me sweat out this fever or stare creepily at me while I sleep for 15 hours straight. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone (though I personally wouldn’t mind it if someone didn’t mind it.)

I went to the Take Care center at Walgreens because I was afraid I had strep throat as the symptoms just sort of sprang on me in the middle of the night. The medical professionals were actually really chill and I’m glad I went there and not urgent care. I do not have strep, yay me. But I do now own this skeleton earrings. Bonus!

How sick do I look? 

Isn’t it great that “sick” is now used as an adjective to describe something badass? So now, I look both sick as in “I’m dying” and sick as in “how badass do I look with skeleton earrings as I lay there dying.”

Ugh. This really puts a damper on my already lack-of-productivity. When I’m not being productive I’m usually as least doing something fun. Though I don’t know why I’m complaining about sleeping all day in between bouts of netflix. Probably because it hurts to do any of it. Mainly it hurts to talk, which is one reason why I’m yammering on via this blog.

So yeah being sick makes me feel vulnerable and a little lonely. Slightly emotional, though I’m trying to avoid all of that by sleeping it off/out. I think I need to go for a walk. If I don’t I’ll just make myself feel even grosser by being in this bed like 30+ hours.

Anyhoo. Such is the cycle of life. Wellness. Sickness. Alive. Dead. Things that happen in between.

10 Randoms: Short and Not Really Sweet Mostly Boring You Probably Shouldn’t Bother.

21 10 2012

1.) Well, that contract thing sort of fell through. The guy did. The idea is still available.

2.) I just read this article about getting off the pill. I’ve been off for over a year now and I still don’t think my body has completely adjusted back to “natural woman.”

3.) My roommate may have come up with a brilliant idea for me. It involves a combination of writing and dating. Even though I’m again, considering giving the latter up.

4.) I’ve been feeling a lack of motivation lately. Halloween, my favorite holiday is nearing, and I have nothing prepared. What is wrong with me?

5.) OMG I don’t want to go to work. I just want to hang out and figure out my future and read books all day. Maybe watch some netflix. Just started watching a show called Shameless; it’s pretty good (though one must adjust to the heavy accents).

6.) So, as many of you know I have a deep psychological issue of being attracted, maybe even being “in love” with people who are here but are leaving. And it used to be the theory that I was attracted to them because I knew I couldn’t have them, but now I’m thinking additionally it’s because leaving is ambitious, it’s adventurous, it’s even daring and I’m attracted to people who are those things. And there is something slightly romantic about longing for someone far away. My attention span for men is short so it never lasts anyway.

7.) I should stop sleeping. I have a lot to do with my life and though I enjoy it, though it could in fact be my favorite activity, I have much more to accomplish and it sort of gets in the way. Work also gets the way. Maybe I should give up that instead?

8.) Fucking Colorado, you go one day without putting “the lotion on the skin” and it turns to sandpaper. Sandpaper. I am not exaggerating.

9.) I realized the other day how my blog absolutely sucks wiener. Someone asked me what it was about and I was like, “nothing, it’s not about anything,” I apologize to all of you for reading this. Particularly my regulars. I owe you all a drink.

10.) Is it time for me to fly yet, or should I stay in Denver one more round?

Contracting Love.

17 10 2012

For a minute there I thought I might have maxed out on guys and dating. I hit a dry spell. But no need to worry, I’m back in the game.

So okay, I got back on ok cupid; do not be alarmed, though shit is about to get cray. Oh yes I just wrote “cray” in a blog, I may indeed need mental medical attention. Anyhoo, I wrote an update on my profile about specifically looking for a 3-month-max friend with benefits. A relationship contract, so to speak. And guess who was the most interested in this. You got it, a lawyer.

We met last night to discuss the matter. And there is something very appealing about getting into a commitment with a known ending, particularly prior to anything really starting. It’s nice because I feel like it will give me more opportunity to get to know someone without feeling the pressure of “making it work” as something long term. He can have quirks that I don’t necessarily find charming because I know I don’t have to put up with those quirks FOREVER. Or potentially forever. Or however/whatever makes people stop seeing other people: weird toenails, a penchant for eating with one’s mouth open, an obsession with AC/DC etc. etc.

So. Yeah. We talked about it. We’re going to have a “trail period” or a “test drive,” whatever you want to call it. See if we could even like each other for three months. And if we do we’re literally going to sign something and get this FWB thing going.

Contractually, I was thinking 1 to 2 hanging-outs per week, which would include netflix watching, bar drinking, sex, shows, lengthy philosophical discussions.  Then when the time is up, we can either renew (which we won’t) or end it amicably. Even if shit gets cray and it doesn’t end up ending amicably I think this is a good experiment. It could essentially change the way our generation does relationships. Or at least how some of us do them.

Anything you think I should include in this contract?

Look Who’s Talking.

12 10 2012

Talk is hard.  Not small talk. Not even gossip or philosophical talk. But “feelings” talk. My family and I have never been the best at communicating how we feel. If someone upset us, we’d just keep it bottled in, holding small grudges until they exploded into, on occasion, family feuds. And more often than not, resentment.

The whole, “I feel ____” is actually difficult for me to say out loud. It has taken a lot of practice on my part, but I try to do it. I’m trying to do it. Because though it often makes me feel anxious, I know when it’s over I’m going to feel much better that whatever is going on between me and another person is clear. Clarity and honesty. Boundaries. Understanding. It’s very nice to have that between people, though it is more often never discussed out loud.

Why is talking about this stuff so difficult? Is it because we become vulnerable when we tell another person what we want/need? Is it because we’re afraid we’ll hurt someone else’s feelings?

If a situation happened and I pissed someone off and they didn’t express their anger to me but then a year later when I did something else that upset them they just burst out a long laundry list of everything I’ve ever done that’s irritated them, I’d think I’m be more hurt by that then if they just said right away, “Krystal, I feel frustrated when _____.” Because if I’m doing something wrong I’d want to fix it. I think most people feel this way right?

But still, I think that this type of communicating has to be made into a habit. It has to be practiced. Just like every other healthy way of living.

Okay, why am I blabbering about this today? Last night this guy I’ve been kind of seeing off and on for the last monthish and I “Friend-Zoned,” each other and I think we both came out of it just fine. It wasn’t awkward. We simply discussed it. We didn’t stop texting each other or simply avoiding one another. And now we can continue to hang out and it not be weird. Well, it might be weird, but only because both of us are weird, not that being around each other would be weird for either of us.

And yeah, with the new friend-zone, it’s back to the dating board. How thrilling for the world! I think I just need to meet a nice Jewish boy.  Or a sugar daddy. Or both!

Yeah, my friend was right about writing an encyclopedia on dating instead of just a book. But I’m thinking maybe I could do a tetralogy series, a book for each season of the year! It’s the new trilogy! It will be like 50 Shades + Twilight  + Harry Potter + Game of Thrones all mixed into one. But nothing like those at all! Sign up now for an advanced-copy!



(How does that make you feel?)

Girl, How Did You Push That Out?

10 10 2012

Last night I went and watched a series of Brakhage films at the Film Center here in Denver (by the way, the Film Center is now the only place in Denver that plays actual film), anyway no one warned me. And then suddenly I witnessed a woman giving birth.

Like everything.

All of it.

The blood, the baby, the placenta.

I had completely forgotten about the placenta.

The film was silent but what made it more awkward was the audience was silent as well. I mean, not even a peep. All the while I’m about to have a panic attack and/or vomit on myself. The last time I saw a baby crown out of a vagina was when I said, “that is the last time I’m ever going to watch a baby crown out of a vagina.” So, when it started I thought for a moment that I was being pranked. Like there was a candid camera there or something.

Yeah yeah, I tried to appreciate the beauty of child birth. I tried. I tried really hard. But, let’s face it, it’s still disturbing, even if millions of women have done it before. It will never stop being at least a bit gross. And it definitely didn’t change my mind on the whole ordeal.

After dealing with a lot of physical torment lately via experimenting with BDSM, I think I could take the actual pain–it’s the after-effect that sounds torturing.

Children and I don’t go together very well.

They sort of freak me out.

They probably always will.

No matter how many of my friends push one or two out and no matter how much they claim their kid is different–more than likely I’ll still have trouble.

Only time will tell I suppose.

In the meantime, this is strictly a No-Baby Zone.

Top 5 Sex, Sex, and No Sex: Tips, Tricks, and Troubles.

9 10 2012

I’ve had a bizarre week full of sex workshops, conferences, bar talk and strange dates. Here’s just a tidbit of all of that.

1.) More from Blow Him Away.

This book is full of exercises to strengthen the mouth, lips, and tongue. One of my favorites is to pretend I have peanut butter on my mouth and then lick it off. To add variety one can also try to take the peanut butter off with their lips. The book says to “pretend” to have peanut butter, but since I am constantly eating peanut butter any way, I do it for real! Watch out boys. Muahaha.

2.) Penis Push-Ups.

Women can exercise their pc (pubococcygeus) muscles by just contracting and releasing them or by using kegel balls, but I recently learned how men can also exercise theirs. This is a Porn Star Trick: all they need to do is take a dry washcloth, put it on top of their penis and try to lift the washcloth up and down. Once they’ve accomplished this trick, they can wet the washcloth for additional weight. Then they can move up to a hand towel. Having strong pc muscles makes for stronger longer better orgasms and it helps with urinary and fecal incontinence. Yay being healthy!

3.) Squirt—Not Just a Delicious Soda.

I was at this workshop on female ejaculation. I thought it was going to be all encompassing– giving physical tips and tricks as well as discussing more intimate connections regarding it – but no. That’s not really what happened. It was very much more hippie-dippie than that. They called their vulvas yonis and talked about letting the “goddess juice flow.” Yeah. And then we had to get into groups and discuss our feelings and experiences regarding the whole thing.

Awkward is not quite the word. It was more awkward than awkward.

The worst part is that when I talked about my perspective the people in the group made me feel very uncomfortable. I believe it was because they were quite a bit older than me. And they could not imagine a woman being able to ejaculate with someone who they did not have an intense intimate connection with. They looked at me with sadness. Or like they felt sorry for me or something. Which really pissed me off.

What the fuck old people?

I feel like our generation is different. And I’m curious if we’re missing something in regards to the sex world or if the reason why I was basically the youngest person there is because most people my age don’t need to go to those things?

I can’t figure it out.

I do know plenty of people who at least discuss relationship dynamics and sexuality on a regular basis, but is the format for us more intimate, more one-on-one, less workshoppy? Are workshops for losers?

If this is an area I’m interested in should I turn more toward the social media route? It’s really difficult because it’s a road I’d like to walk down, but if it’s going to be filled with unattractive hippies who hug for too long I think I may want to change my direction and go for another line of work.

4.) Leading the Way.

I was out with some friends and one happens to be a 4th year med student surgeon. We were discussing items that are most commonly retrieved from the anal canal. The #1 thing he says that he sees–hot wheels. Hot wheels! From middle-aged men. Now, this I found to be too intriguing. What’s the deal with that? Is it some sort of revenge on their children? Hahaha!

“I stuff this toy of yours up my butt and now you’re going to play with it!”

Or some other sort of link between sexuality and childhood. Perhaps their first boner they remember getting was while playing with the cars and now they have some fetish for them?

Vroom Vroom.

All I know is that I now what to make anal plugs shaped like cars.

5.) To Kiss or Not to Kiss.

I’ve gone out with this guy a few times but there has been no physical contact. They’re always dates, but then they end anti-climatically. Maybe it’s me. I seem to be attracting a lot of celibate guys lately. It’s disturbing me in so many ways. Will I have to get back on ok cupid? Please Goddess I pray not! I really am not sure what I’m supposed to do here. This is the first time in my life where not just one, but two guys are confusing the heck out of me. I told my friend earlier today that winter is just around the corner, perhaps it’s time for me to hibernate my heart.