10 Randoms: Wanking Off Into the Future.

2 10 2012

1.) I’ve started reading this book at my store called Blow Him Away and it’s actually really fascinating—and not because it explains how to give good head. Actually, it’s written from a speech therapist’s point of view and it focuses more on the strength of my mouth, lips, and tongue, which isn’t something I’d ever really thought about. Particularly, I’ve never really thought about where my tongue is supposed to sit in my mouth. Like, I thought it sat wherever it naturally felt comfortable, but that isn’t necessarily right.

It’s supposed to rest on the roof of your mouth not resting against your top teeth and not resting against your bottom row of teeth.

If it rests in the proper spot it’s supposed to help you breathe better and prevent snoring. Awesome thing to know.

2.) I have this weird thing where I think that the coffee mug I pick for the day will somehow determine the mood I will be in after I drink said coffee. Like it’s rainbow coffee mug day or it’s a cute puppy dog mug day. And really I don’t think it does anything. Today my mug is blue. Just blue. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

3.) I read this short article on Jezebel the other day about a store opening up in Japan that caters to women wanking off. It was funny because someone left a comment that said something along the lines of, “oh, create a woman-only store and then fill it with dicks because that’s all women want anyway.” Haha. I don’t know about that. There are a lot of sex toys not shaped like penises, but if I personally don’t think I’d ever want to go to a bar where a bunch of women are sitting around masturbating. Unless I wanted a good laugh. Because honestly, sex is comical, particularly when done solo.

4.) If something in my day switches my mood I seriously think about running away. I am not mature.  Also, I never imagine my existence actually affecting those around me. Like, nothing I do actually does anything to anyone’s way of life. I’m just sort of here. But I don’t think that can be right. I think that must be a cowardly thing to think.

5.) This guy just rode by on his bike and he looked very familiar. He’s a tall broad black man with blonde dreads, pretty distinguishable. Then I remembered. He comes into the store like once a month fucked up beyond words, drunk, high on who knows what. Usually in a cowboy hat. I don’t know if he ever actually buys anything or if he just comes in trying to come down before heading home. It was weird to see him riding a bike. There are places people belong and then places they belong again but witnessing them out of the usual place makes the second place appear unreasonable even dreamlike—though not entirely unreal.

6.) Back to my future. I know I’ve discussed this quite a bit on here, but I think I’m narrowing it down more and more as the days linger on.

Here are my current options:

continue writing television show—finish show—find someone to produce it (however that works) get it on air. Work on getting my sex education certificate. Teach seminars. Become a representative of a well-made sex toy company. Travel all over selling that particular brand. Write books. More seminars.

My other idea is to return to Kansas and become an organic farmer. But I’m thinking it would be best to wait until my mother retires so she can help me. As long as she retires with her sanity (you can do that, right, mom?). I mean I’d be in my late 30’s, early 40’s I think that’s like the perfect age for organic farming. I’ll grow hops and blueberries and strawberries and make delicious fruity beer and just get drunk off the land all day. Yeah, perfect plan. (The Kansas thing may be the hardest part in this scenario.)

7.) My tarot card reading for the day looks very promising. I got several strong cards including XVIII The Sun (accomplishment/Love), X Wheel of Fortune (Destiny, Advancement, Unexpected events),  XXI The World (Perfection, just rewards for hard work) and for my “future future” the Nine of Cups (success, abundance, wishes fulfilled).  Must make this a blue mug kind of day!

8.) Here’s a mega-life problem I’m running into. Ever since graduate school when I uncovered the pitfalls of monogamy I’ve realized that I am not monogamy material. This can be proven by my series of terrible mistakes made against past boyfriends—though the last one I was actually faithful to (a big switcheroo happened there). But, on the other hand, I’m not really into polyamory either. I tried it. And maybe I need to try it again just to be sure. But I’m pretty sure I do not have the time or energy to invest in that sort of dynamic. Unless I’m like the secondary in a triad and can just hang out in their cottage house all day and write and grow hops and drink beer. Then maybe I could handle it.

But now, when I actually sort of kind of like a guy I don’t know how to deal. Because I’m an attention whore. I want him (everyone) to give me all of the attention. Yet, I can’t be a hypocrite and claim non-monogamy and yet want him to not like anyone else when I know deep down that I will at some point get bored and want to explore other options. AHH! WTF?! I must stop liking people. That will solve that.

9.) I get sick pleasure in seeing receding hairlines in men that I used to know.

10.) Season 5 of Gossip Girl is now on netflix. XOXO.

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One response

8 10 2013
carlyqbear

I found one of your polyamory articles on Elephant Journal. We strangely have a lot in common and I’m finding your stuff to be aligning with a lot of my beliefs but you good at expressing them in concrete language. I too tried the polyamory thing (getting into it after being married for 9 years) and we sort of fell apart but are still married (living in different places– he lives in Denver actually and me in NYC, seeing different people)…. I do see how it can work and I think it’s a good idea. But for some reason with the current person I’m seeing, the “one-itis” as you call it, has sunk it, and I can’t imagine him being with someone else, because I need the attention. Anyway, I could go on, but I wanted to tell you something I found very compelling that you said that gave me an odd sense of peace: “What I find most challenging is that the concepts of polyamory feel right but I have been socially constructed to think and react in the monogamous default. Perhaps the first step is to unlearn everything I’ve been taught regarding how relationships are supposed to function and relearn/re-write the script as I go along.” Keep writing. And I’ll keep stalking…haha.

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