Look Who’s Talking.

12 10 2012

Talk is hard.  Not small talk. Not even gossip or philosophical talk. But “feelings” talk. My family and I have never been the best at communicating how we feel. If someone upset us, we’d just keep it bottled in, holding small grudges until they exploded into, on occasion, family feuds. And more often than not, resentment.

The whole, “I feel ____” is actually difficult for me to say out loud. It has taken a lot of practice on my part, but I try to do it. I’m trying to do it. Because though it often makes me feel anxious, I know when it’s over I’m going to feel much better that whatever is going on between me and another person is clear. Clarity and honesty. Boundaries. Understanding. It’s very nice to have that between people, though it is more often never discussed out loud.

Why is talking about this stuff so difficult? Is it because we become vulnerable when we tell another person what we want/need? Is it because we’re afraid we’ll hurt someone else’s feelings?

If a situation happened and I pissed someone off and they didn’t express their anger to me but then a year later when I did something else that upset them they just burst out a long laundry list of everything I’ve ever done that’s irritated them, I’d think I’m be more hurt by that then if they just said right away, “Krystal, I feel frustrated when _____.” Because if I’m doing something wrong I’d want to fix it. I think most people feel this way right?

But still, I think that this type of communicating has to be made into a habit. It has to be practiced. Just like every other healthy way of living.

Okay, why am I blabbering about this today? Last night this guy I’ve been kind of seeing off and on for the last monthish and I “Friend-Zoned,” each other and I think we both came out of it just fine. It wasn’t awkward. We simply discussed it. We didn’t stop texting each other or simply avoiding one another. And now we can continue to hang out and it not be weird. Well, it might be weird, but only because both of us are weird, not that being around each other would be weird for either of us.

And yeah, with the new friend-zone, it’s back to the dating board. How thrilling for the world! I think I just need to meet a nice Jewish boy.  Or a sugar daddy. Or both!

Yeah, my friend was right about writing an encyclopedia on dating instead of just a book. But I’m thinking maybe I could do a tetralogy series, a book for each season of the year! It’s the new trilogy! It will be like 50 Shades + Twilight  + Harry Potter + Game of Thrones all mixed into one. But nothing like those at all! Sign up now for an advanced-copy!



(How does that make you feel?)

Girl, How Did You Push That Out?

10 10 2012

Last night I went and watched a series of Brakhage films at the Film Center here in Denver (by the way, the Film Center is now the only place in Denver that plays actual film), anyway no one warned me. And then suddenly I witnessed a woman giving birth.

Like everything.

All of it.

The blood, the baby, the placenta.

I had completely forgotten about the placenta.

The film was silent but what made it more awkward was the audience was silent as well. I mean, not even a peep. All the while I’m about to have a panic attack and/or vomit on myself. The last time I saw a baby crown out of a vagina was when I said, “that is the last time I’m ever going to watch a baby crown out of a vagina.” So, when it started I thought for a moment that I was being pranked. Like there was a candid camera there or something.

Yeah yeah, I tried to appreciate the beauty of child birth. I tried. I tried really hard. But, let’s face it, it’s still disturbing, even if millions of women have done it before. It will never stop being at least a bit gross. And it definitely didn’t change my mind on the whole ordeal.

After dealing with a lot of physical torment lately via experimenting with BDSM, I think I could take the actual pain–it’s the after-effect that sounds torturing.

Children and I don’t go together very well.

They sort of freak me out.

They probably always will.

No matter how many of my friends push one or two out and no matter how much they claim their kid is different–more than likely I’ll still have trouble.

Only time will tell I suppose.

In the meantime, this is strictly a No-Baby Zone.

Top 5 Sex, Sex, and No Sex: Tips, Tricks, and Troubles.

9 10 2012

I’ve had a bizarre week full of sex workshops, conferences, bar talk and strange dates. Here’s just a tidbit of all of that.

1.) More from Blow Him Away.

This book is full of exercises to strengthen the mouth, lips, and tongue. One of my favorites is to pretend I have peanut butter on my mouth and then lick it off. To add variety one can also try to take the peanut butter off with their lips. The book says to “pretend” to have peanut butter, but since I am constantly eating peanut butter any way, I do it for real! Watch out boys. Muahaha.

2.) Penis Push-Ups.

Women can exercise their pc (pubococcygeus) muscles by just contracting and releasing them or by using kegel balls, but I recently learned how men can also exercise theirs. This is a Porn Star Trick: all they need to do is take a dry washcloth, put it on top of their penis and try to lift the washcloth up and down. Once they’ve accomplished this trick, they can wet the washcloth for additional weight. Then they can move up to a hand towel. Having strong pc muscles makes for stronger longer better orgasms and it helps with urinary and fecal incontinence. Yay being healthy!

3.) Squirt—Not Just a Delicious Soda.

I was at this workshop on female ejaculation. I thought it was going to be all encompassing– giving physical tips and tricks as well as discussing more intimate connections regarding it – but no. That’s not really what happened. It was very much more hippie-dippie than that. They called their vulvas yonis and talked about letting the “goddess juice flow.” Yeah. And then we had to get into groups and discuss our feelings and experiences regarding the whole thing.

Awkward is not quite the word. It was more awkward than awkward.

The worst part is that when I talked about my perspective the people in the group made me feel very uncomfortable. I believe it was because they were quite a bit older than me. And they could not imagine a woman being able to ejaculate with someone who they did not have an intense intimate connection with. They looked at me with sadness. Or like they felt sorry for me or something. Which really pissed me off.

What the fuck old people?

I feel like our generation is different. And I’m curious if we’re missing something in regards to the sex world or if the reason why I was basically the youngest person there is because most people my age don’t need to go to those things?

I can’t figure it out.

I do know plenty of people who at least discuss relationship dynamics and sexuality on a regular basis, but is the format for us more intimate, more one-on-one, less workshoppy? Are workshops for losers?

If this is an area I’m interested in should I turn more toward the social media route? It’s really difficult because it’s a road I’d like to walk down, but if it’s going to be filled with unattractive hippies who hug for too long I think I may want to change my direction and go for another line of work.

4.) Leading the Way.

I was out with some friends and one happens to be a 4th year med student surgeon. We were discussing items that are most commonly retrieved from the anal canal. The #1 thing he says that he sees–hot wheels. Hot wheels! From middle-aged men. Now, this I found to be too intriguing. What’s the deal with that? Is it some sort of revenge on their children? Hahaha!

“I stuff this toy of yours up my butt and now you’re going to play with it!”

Or some other sort of link between sexuality and childhood. Perhaps their first boner they remember getting was while playing with the cars and now they have some fetish for them?

Vroom Vroom.

All I know is that I now what to make anal plugs shaped like cars.

5.) To Kiss or Not to Kiss.

I’ve gone out with this guy a few times but there has been no physical contact. They’re always dates, but then they end anti-climatically. Maybe it’s me. I seem to be attracting a lot of celibate guys lately. It’s disturbing me in so many ways. Will I have to get back on ok cupid? Please Goddess I pray not! I really am not sure what I’m supposed to do here. This is the first time in my life where not just one, but two guys are confusing the heck out of me. I told my friend earlier today that winter is just around the corner, perhaps it’s time for me to hibernate my heart.

7 Randoms: Willing to Sacrifice. . .

3 10 2012

1.) This is rough, but if you wake up with a hangover and want to feel better quicker the best thing to remedy this is to go for a run. It hurts, let me tell you, but if you want to move on to doing something more productive than sleeping or barely watching netflix put on some tennis shoes and get your ass moving. The hangover part goes away; if you feel like crap because you didn’t get enough sleep–well that’s another issue.

2.) I’m beginning to think that only masochists like working out. Have you ever met a sadist who enjoys jogging? I haven’t. There has to be some sort of connection between the adrenaline / endorphin rush of exercise and the adrenaline / endorphin rush of getting flogged. I’m sure the body is releasing very similar chemicals. (And I’m sure if I actually researched it I could prove it, but who has time for that?).

If sadists want new play partners maybe they should just bring their paddle to the gym. They could probably get a whole class of people into it, particularly if they told them it burnt a least a hundred calories per hour.

3.)  My roommate wants to go on a juice cleanse. The problem is we don’t have a juicer. So instead we thought we could just fast. Or find a different kind of cleanse. The only one we could come up with was a drinking cleanse. Where all we consumed all week was gin. Just gin. I don’t think it’s the healthiest choice.

4.) Crazy News. I just found out that my good friend is a republican.

That’s right.


And a good friend.

Oxymoron, I do think so.

I don’t know what to do!

There are several issues here. The first is how in the world did I ever become friends with a republican and not know it?

The second is, now that I know what am I supposed to do?

It’s not like I’m so evil I’m going to stop being her friend. She’s fiscally conservative, but what I don’t ever get from that sort of republican mentality is the fact that everything intersects. So, if someone is pro-choice but is going to vote for Romney because he can “fix the economy,” one needs to look at how the economy is going to be fixed exactly when women have no rights to their bodies and have to give birth when they don’t want to and feed children they can’t pay for; all the while, the population continues to grow, resources continue to get more and more scarce, inflation becomes ridiculous, more and more people end up in privatized prisons and disease becomes even more rampant.

I don’t think someone can be economically conservative and yet be anti-choice. So yeah, that’s just one mega dramatic example of why I am in shock that I’ve been friends with this person for so long and never had these kinds of conversations before.

I think I need advice on this one.

Also, I’m going to see Obama tomorrow. We’re going to have lunch. Or I’m going to wake up incredibly early and go to a rally, either way.

5.) I’m pretty sure my neighbor has a magical rose bush. I’ve been jogging by his house since the spring and since the spring there have always been roses in bloom. And it’s weird because if they were like the same color of roses that would make sense, but almost every month it’s a different color from the same bush. I don’t get it, though I know very little about flowers. I’m just going to keep enjoying the magic I guess.

6.) Two weeks ago ish I’m at Lost Lake. It’s crowded. Out of nowhere this guy grabs my dress and pulls me over to him. He’s cute, whatever. We talk for like a minute. We exchange numbers. He finds me on facebook. Friday we end up at Beauty Bar. He talks to me for a minute and then tries to get me to come home with him. I deny this invitation. I deny it over and over again. Another friend shows up. I go talk to him. Blah blah, he leaves. The next day he sends me a text asking if I smoke marijuana. I ignore it for multiple reasons. At like 2:30 in the morning on both facebook and in a text he writes me:

“you think your so hot you can just blow me off funny” (I did not correct grammar here).

Now. I just want to take a moment with this. First of all, no one should ever talk to me or anyone else this way. Secondly, if he knew anything about me at all he would know that  1.) I don’t think I’m hot 2.) If I did think I was hot I still would never think being “hot” is an excuse to blow someone off. In fact, your physical attraction level does not lend permissions of any kind in regards to manners or behavior. People, no matter what they look like, should attempt to be thoughtful and considerate whenever possible. He obviously didn’t believe this considering how he spoke to me.

And in case you’re curious, I did respond. I told him:

“I have no idea how I blew you off. I feel uncomfortable and sad by the tone in your text. I try to surround myself with positive people who make me feel good about being alive. With that being said, I do not think I can hang out with you again. I hope you enjoy Denver.”

I blocked him on facebook.

Let’s hope if I indeed ever accidentally run into him (as Denver is a very small city) he’s chill.

7.) Finally, I need a theme song for my fall romantic life. Something that leads me away from crazy rude dudes. Summer’s theme song was Maneater by Hall and Oats. I need something equally awesome.

Maybe this?

10 Randoms: Wanking Off Into the Future.

2 10 2012

1.) I’ve started reading this book at my store called Blow Him Away and it’s actually really fascinating—and not because it explains how to give good head. Actually, it’s written from a speech therapist’s point of view and it focuses more on the strength of my mouth, lips, and tongue, which isn’t something I’d ever really thought about. Particularly, I’ve never really thought about where my tongue is supposed to sit in my mouth. Like, I thought it sat wherever it naturally felt comfortable, but that isn’t necessarily right.

It’s supposed to rest on the roof of your mouth not resting against your top teeth and not resting against your bottom row of teeth.

If it rests in the proper spot it’s supposed to help you breathe better and prevent snoring. Awesome thing to know.

2.) I have this weird thing where I think that the coffee mug I pick for the day will somehow determine the mood I will be in after I drink said coffee. Like it’s rainbow coffee mug day or it’s a cute puppy dog mug day. And really I don’t think it does anything. Today my mug is blue. Just blue. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

3.) I read this short article on Jezebel the other day about a store opening up in Japan that caters to women wanking off. It was funny because someone left a comment that said something along the lines of, “oh, create a woman-only store and then fill it with dicks because that’s all women want anyway.” Haha. I don’t know about that. There are a lot of sex toys not shaped like penises, but if I personally don’t think I’d ever want to go to a bar where a bunch of women are sitting around masturbating. Unless I wanted a good laugh. Because honestly, sex is comical, particularly when done solo.

4.) If something in my day switches my mood I seriously think about running away. I am not mature.  Also, I never imagine my existence actually affecting those around me. Like, nothing I do actually does anything to anyone’s way of life. I’m just sort of here. But I don’t think that can be right. I think that must be a cowardly thing to think.

5.) This guy just rode by on his bike and he looked very familiar. He’s a tall broad black man with blonde dreads, pretty distinguishable. Then I remembered. He comes into the store like once a month fucked up beyond words, drunk, high on who knows what. Usually in a cowboy hat. I don’t know if he ever actually buys anything or if he just comes in trying to come down before heading home. It was weird to see him riding a bike. There are places people belong and then places they belong again but witnessing them out of the usual place makes the second place appear unreasonable even dreamlike—though not entirely unreal.

6.) Back to my future. I know I’ve discussed this quite a bit on here, but I think I’m narrowing it down more and more as the days linger on.

Here are my current options:

continue writing television show—finish show—find someone to produce it (however that works) get it on air. Work on getting my sex education certificate. Teach seminars. Become a representative of a well-made sex toy company. Travel all over selling that particular brand. Write books. More seminars.

My other idea is to return to Kansas and become an organic farmer. But I’m thinking it would be best to wait until my mother retires so she can help me. As long as she retires with her sanity (you can do that, right, mom?). I mean I’d be in my late 30’s, early 40’s I think that’s like the perfect age for organic farming. I’ll grow hops and blueberries and strawberries and make delicious fruity beer and just get drunk off the land all day. Yeah, perfect plan. (The Kansas thing may be the hardest part in this scenario.)

7.) My tarot card reading for the day looks very promising. I got several strong cards including XVIII The Sun (accomplishment/Love), X Wheel of Fortune (Destiny, Advancement, Unexpected events),  XXI The World (Perfection, just rewards for hard work) and for my “future future” the Nine of Cups (success, abundance, wishes fulfilled).  Must make this a blue mug kind of day!

8.) Here’s a mega-life problem I’m running into. Ever since graduate school when I uncovered the pitfalls of monogamy I’ve realized that I am not monogamy material. This can be proven by my series of terrible mistakes made against past boyfriends—though the last one I was actually faithful to (a big switcheroo happened there). But, on the other hand, I’m not really into polyamory either. I tried it. And maybe I need to try it again just to be sure. But I’m pretty sure I do not have the time or energy to invest in that sort of dynamic. Unless I’m like the secondary in a triad and can just hang out in their cottage house all day and write and grow hops and drink beer. Then maybe I could handle it.

But now, when I actually sort of kind of like a guy I don’t know how to deal. Because I’m an attention whore. I want him (everyone) to give me all of the attention. Yet, I can’t be a hypocrite and claim non-monogamy and yet want him to not like anyone else when I know deep down that I will at some point get bored and want to explore other options. AHH! WTF?! I must stop liking people. That will solve that.

9.) I get sick pleasure in seeing receding hairlines in men that I used to know.

10.) Season 5 of Gossip Girl is now on netflix. XOXO.