The Money Tie to Monogamy

31 05 2013

Jealousy: Relationships & Consumerism

I spend a lot of time thinking about monogamy and why it doesn’t work for me. What I’ve been contemplating lately is its interconnection with consumerism. The jealously, the greed, the desire. We want to own our relationships like we own our stuff, but love doesn’t work that way, which is why monogamy is flawed. I am suggesting that because our society is entrenched with the desire to “have,” we often circumnavigate the point of relationships.

The career, the car, the house, the dog, the child, the partner it’s all part of the package. We are constructed by the media and our family and our peers to make this package happen. If we make this package happen than our lives will be complete, only then will we be capable of containing a glimmer of fulfillment and happiness.

Take a look at online dating. It’s all about marketing and sales. But instead of a product we’re marketing and selling ourselves. And why do we do this? Because it’s the newest way to advertise for relationships. We compete with other people on there to stand out, to look fresh, to please a potential new mate.

mongamy v polyamory

We have to buy things in order to compete in this social world: make-up, clothes, shoes, jewelry (and obviously computers and internet connections).

Consumerism breeds competition. Competition glorifies the individual. The individual who does everything better than the other individual wins at life. To be an individual winner means to be in a monogamous relationship because it proves that your individuality is better to the other individual than any other individual out there. The two of you are the best because you’re together and you did everything right to make that relationship happen, to become a package of love.

But the flaw is in the short-sightedness of this concept.

I met a woman last night who told me she was on online dating to meet a guy to have babies with. This woman was 24 years old and already divorced. Her husband had cheated on her and so she did what is “required” of her and she left him. Her most recent dating life had led her to sleeping with a doctor. She decided to do this on the second date because she felt this would reel him in and make him want to keep her around. She said that she had five orgasms because it was important to put her needs first. Then she said she wanted to marry the guy not because she necessarily liked him but because it would make her dad so happy if she married a Jewish guy.

What. The. Fuck.

So, she was willing to put her needs first on a physical basis but then couldn’t go further to see that making her dad happy would not actually make her happy in the long run. It was not a set-up for a connection, for a nourishing relationship, but to complete a package she feels obligated to complete.

There is nothing inherently wrong with monogamy. It works fine for some people. But what works better is trust and communication—and these are the two most important things regardless of the structure or composition of one’s relations to others.

I feel like we miss this a lot. We’re too busy thinking about the rules to actually sit down and contemplate what works best for us, to trust ourselves and figure out what our true needs and desires are.

Why do we get jealous?

If we love someone what’s wrong with them being loved by and loving others?

Missed Love Connections

3 05 2013

I read the craigslist missed connection quite a bit, like every day, because I find them entertaining. I’ve been doing it for about two years now and only once has one been for me, but I suppose that’s pretty good. I’ve found quite a few about friends and/or people I know though and that’s always a joy. The thing that I’m curious about today though is the concept of “being a good match.” For example in missed connections and online dating people use the phrase, “I think we’d be a good match,” like all the time, and I don’t get it.

dogs love

What makes you think upon barely, if perhaps not even, meeting a person that you’ll be good together? And what gives you the audacity to make that assumption out loud?

When I read these posts I think:

1. I don’t understand this kind of passion.

2. I will never experience this kind of passion.

3. Am I too smart to feel love?

4. Or am I too stupid?

5.Is wanting something better than having it?

6. Can the desire to have actually be more desirable than the literal holding?

I’m back in Kansas and all around me people are getting engaged, people are getting married, people are squirting out kids and when I mentioned this one particular engagement to my friend, of this specific—not very attractive in any sort of way person I went to high school with—she was like, you don’t even want that so what’s the problem?

The problem isn’t that I don’t want it. Because she’s right, I don’t necessarily want to get married or have kids, like ever, the problem is that these people at least have a basic understanding of how to love another person. Or so it seems. I don’t know the real reasoning behind their union, but I assume it’s out of some sort of desire for companionship.

Sex is easy. At least it’s easy right now as a mildly attractive, not quite old yet woman. But one day it won’t be. And honestly sex, though pleasurable, isn’t sustainable with a person when there isn’t more of a connection than that. Perhaps the problem is that I desire a sustainable connection but have no way of knowing how to get it. It could be that in regards to long-term commitment I still hold onto ideals. I am aware at this point that there is not a perfect soul mate out there and that any sort of continual thing will require work, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to feel that sort of lustlovepassiondesire for someone that I think other people feel towards each other.

Connections with me can never be missed because I do not allow for the connections to happen. There is a separation between who I am and what I feel. I feel things, yes, but there is a barrier that doesn’t let those feelings in all of the way, a protective insulation so to speak that keeps me safe, that keeps me functioning—at the basic level of functioning.

I see something and I think, goddess, I’ve really fucked up my life.

But not fucked-up enough to like be committed or want to kill myself (most of the time), just fucked up to the point where I don’t feel quite human.

Like, I feel everyone else gets it and I don’t.

I know I need to stop comparing. But isn’t that what humans do?

I think I’m thinking about it too much.

When I stop, it will all come together. That’s the rumor going around anyway. . .