10 Randoms: Strange Love Sandwich.

27 09 2013

1. This is my response to the 300 Sandwiches situation:

sandwich

Seriously, this seems like an abusive relationship, at least mental abuse. Because marriage shouldn’t be the prize at the end of a stamp-card; on your 300th sandwich get a wedding ring! What a bunch of manipulative desperate bullshit.

2. Sometimes I leave my apartment and sometimes when I leave my apartment it’s afternoon. Usually I try to time it so this doesn’t happen, but more often than not I’m caught running into herds of high school students. High school kids are scary and it took me a while to figure out why. They’re scary because they’re mean. They’re mean and they’re always in groups. So it’s like walking through a pack of meanness. They don’t mean to be mean they just haven’t emotionally matured yet and they do what they need to do to fit in. But let me tell you, I hold my head high and I do not make eye contact when I come across a cluster of them.

3. Speaking of high school kids. They have revealed to me that romance is dead. I stepped outside in the afternoon one day and saw a couple making out in the parking lot of 7-11. Their high school is less than a block from city park, where birds chirp and it smells like wet grass. But no, these kids picked asphalt and the smell of wafting trash. I guess when you’re “in love” it doesn’t matter where you “love?”

teenagers-making-out-funny-pictures

4. The other day I accidentally bought mustard greens instead of kale. And I realized that was the most white-privileged thing I have ever thought/did/said.

5. So, while watching Jeopardy they had this question come up that said if you were 5’7” at 160 pounds your BMI would be 25, and thus you would be a tad overweight. As a person who is 5’7” and 160 pounds I would have to say that they don’t actually know how to calculate body fat based off of that formula. Particularly if the whole “muscle weighs more than fat” thing is accurate. Maybe you have or haven’t met me, but I’m fucking buff, I can open my own pickle jars buff, I am not overweight. Fuck that system.

6. Speaking of overweight. I’ve been eating really strangely lately. Like I won’t really be hungry until about 2 in the afternoon and then I’m like HUNGRY for four hours straight. So I eat. And eat. Then I’m full until about 10 and at that point I’m like oh, hell no, I’m not eating right now. So I try to go to bed instead and it’s hard to go to bed when you want to eat, but it’s stupid because I don’t need calories to sleep. At that point I read a book to distract myself and it almost always works.

7. Here’s the big one. As I said the other day on facebook, I realized that I can only sleep with books I love, all the others get the floor.

And that this should also probably be my approach to men.

Because when I’m reading a good book I don’t want it to stop, but sometimes I get tired and so I fall asleep holding it close to my chest, excited to open it the next day, excited for all the adventures it’s going to take me on and all the new ideas it will give me. And if a guy doesn’t give me that same feeling I should probably just get rid of him and find another book.

marilyn reading 2

8. Also, in that same vein, I wish that I felt the same way about people as I feel about dogs. Like when I see a dog I’m like, “oh my goddess what a cute creature,” and when I see a human I’m like, “please don’t look at me I don’t want to buy anything.”

9. What’s the last book I spooned with you’re wondering? Jennifer Egan’s A Visit From the Goon Squad. I won’t be hurt if you spoon with it too.

10. Want to read something of mine that isn’t random? Here’s a link to my elephant journal author page.





7 Randoms: Sexy and Disgusting. Oh, and a Gyllenhaal.

10 09 2013

1. Sometimes I have secret competitions with myself that could be deemed disgusting by many humans. For example, lately I’ve been attempting to see how bad I can smell before I have to take a shower. It can get pretty raunchy, particularly after I go for a run around city park in the 80+ degree heat. Another example, I have a hole in the front of my underwear and I’m trying to see how many more times I can wear them before it completely tears in half.

2. I was watching American Ninja Warrior and I think it should be a requirement for the “ninjas” to compete shirtless. Like, why even watch it if I can’t watch their muscles working?

ninja

3. There’s this rumor that you’re most like the 5 people you spend most of your time with, so I finally get why I don’t hang out with anyone in real life since I spend most of my time with the crew from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

4. Jake Gyllenhaaal has a new movie coming out. I don’t even care what it’s about. Just like Prince of Persia, if he’s in it, I’m there– regardless of quality.jake gyllenhaal

(I mean look at that face!)

5. Today I went on my longest run so far in city park, which wasn’t really that far, a little less than four miles. My biggest problem isn’t leg cramps or trouble breathing or even boredom, my biggest problem(s) are my boobs. I’ve gotten to the point where I wear two sports bras and still by the end of it my nipples are like WTF!??!! are you doing to us!!? I’ve looked up how to stop this pain but nothing so far has seemed to work. I don’t want to stop, because I’ve become slightly addicted to the running, which is a much better addiction than like smoking or drinking–at least for the rest of my body. Remember that old song from the late 90’s about the detachable penis. . . I kind of want that with my breasts. I mean, they’re not that big, they don’t really get in the way or anything, I think they’re just getting rubbed the wrong way. And no one likes to be rubbed the wrong way.

6. Is anyone else tired of all the twerking? Can’t we go back to shaking our tail-feathers or something equally as corny?

twofunnybirds

7.  I have a few weird hairs growing on my chin. I wonder how long I can get them to grow before I feel the need to pluck them out?





A Different Kind of Magic Bus.

6 09 2013

You know those dreams people have where they’re falling off of a cliff or a building or a ledge and it shakes them awake? Have you ever not woken up?

The other night I dreamt that I was on this bus going through one of the most majestic mountainous scenery I have ever witnessed it was like the Garden of the Gods and Roxborough State Park and Rocky Mountain National Park had merged together in my mind. And I was on top of one of the mountains. In a bus of all places. We drove all around looking at the view, and then we started to descend. And when I say descend I mean the bus basically drove off the mountain. And we were flying.

roxborough state park

I know that I stopped breathing.

I thought to myself, if this is the way I die, at least I have the best final view possible.

Then I let go.

I realized I wasn’t the driver of the bus. I had to trust the driver would get us to safe ground and in the meantime I could just enjoy the art of soaring through the sky. I mean no other places but the inside of a dream could really be that fantastical.

It is interesting to dive in deeper to dream interpretation. If at first I was falling and then I was flying it appears that at least in my subconscious dream state I was able to overcome my anxieties and challenges and find joy and liberation.

What that really says to me is that I need to quit falling in my every day and start flying instead. Or in another words, turn my negativity inside out and find a way to prevail over my challenges instead of letting my challenges eat me alive.





Put Your Keys Where I Can See Them: A Bar Tale.

5 09 2013

So, I was at the bar the other night and this random nerd came over and sat down beside me. He asked if it was okay and I said only if he could tell me a joke or a good story, he claimed he didn’t have any, only conversation. This song came on and he says, “have you ever heard of this band called Nirvana?”

Never. Ever. In my entire life.

“What are you into?” I asked.

“Batman,” he said. “I’m really into Batman.”

liquor

A few minutes later his friend joins him and buys him a shot. A shot that he didn’t want to begin with because he was already rather drunk. He took it and made that face. You all know what face I’m talking about, the “omg I’m going to puke face.” He rushes off to the bathroom obviously upchucks and comes back five minutes later. His friend asks him if he’s going to be able to get home okay. And this is where things get complicated.

The drunkpukenerd tells his friend that he’s fine, he’ll drive home. I overhear him say this and I respond, “oh no you won’t.”

We get into this huge argument.

He says:

“I’m not going to let some stranger tell me what to do, bitch. (hiccup) How are you going to stop me, you don’t know what I drive.” Etc.

I tell him that I will just follow him out when he leaves and when he gets behind the wheel I’ll call the police and give them his license plate number.

I was livid at this point, less so that he called me a bitch (even though that didn’t irritate me) and more so that he thought he was above the law, above morality, above ethics, that he was some sort of superman who could get behind a wheel, completely intoxicated, barely able to even say coherent sentences, and drive home in that state.

But who am I to interject? I mean, in a way there was very little I could do to stop him. When the bar closed and everyone left, I found them outside. I gave them the look, you know that look, the one that says, “if you even think about doing what you said you’re going to do I will destroy you,” look.

drunk guy

The friend said:

“Don’t worry, we’re walking home.”

I don’t know if they did or not.

I wasn’t their fucking babysitter. I was just a stranger who got tangled up in their drunken nerd mess.

Considering how many people die from drunk driving/drivers year after year, I do not understand why anyone even thinks it’s an option anymore. If one is not going to be responsible when imbibing than that person shouldn’t fucking drink, it’s that simple. We live in Denver, there are bars on like every block; drink somewhere that’s walkable from your house.  Or suck it up and pay for the cab. Is it really worth potentially ending a life to take that risk?

Makes me not want to leave my apartment weekend nights.