Do Not Let Your Wrinkles Ruin All of Our Lives.

26 11 2013

botox

Meet Betty.

Day-Zero-Betty is in deep-thought and it is disgusting. I mean look at that furrowed brow. How gross that her face is making an expression. I can’t even handle it. Luckily for all of us there is a drug out there that can fix her. It’s called Botox and OMG does it work miracles. I mean, imagine what Betty would have to do if Botox wasn’t around to stop her face from moving? She would basically have to hide, like all alone, except for maybe a few cats that were clueless to how gross her wrinkly face actually is (or maybe those felines would be aware but they would put up with it because she feeds them tuna, who knows what cats really think).

In any case, Day-Zero-Betty is absolutely hideous.

Just look at her.

No! Don’t!

If Botox didn’t give her a makeover we would all be puking every time we ran into her on the street. Betty wouldn’t even be able to have a regular job because no one would be able to tolerate the grotesqueness, those deep rivers and crevasses of her facial features that make it look like she was more 3D map than woman.

“Is that the Nile?” People would ask, which would cause her to cry and those deep streams would fill with water.

Sometimes little fish were found swimming there.

Poor Betty.

But, not Poor Betty anymore! Thanks to Botox her face is no longer a breeding ground for perch and tilapia. No, now on Day 7 Betty can blend in with the rest of society and walk around with her blank canvas of a mug, which is a relief. People with wrinkles are evil really, walking around reminding everyone else of our impending doom.

It’s incredibly rude to make people think about death, their own death especially. We need to believe that we can live forever (even if it is a mirage caused by wonder drugs).

Botox is like immortality in a bottle.

Except that it only immortalizes a face. Or only immortalizes the (lack of) expression of one’s face (and like it only does that until the chemical fades out of the body and the face starts deteriorating again. So, technically, not immortal, but that’s just a small detail in the light of a faux youthful glow).

So, yeah, if you suspect there may be a wrinkle or two making its way to your face, stop it! Stop that wrinkle dead in its tracks. You’re only 20? 7? 14? Doesn’t matter. Wrinkles can pop up and ruin your life at ANY time. You cannot be too careful. Try Botox prevention. Just constantly inject your face with chemicals that make it look like you are a robot. There is nothing sexier and more charming than a robot, with their monotone voices and hard cold exteriors, oh yeah!

Do it today because if you don’t, you might look your age and there is nothing worse than that.

botoxkrystal

I too had wrinkles once, but thanks to taking a picture without my brow furrowed, I fixed it all up!





Having a Fling Doesn’t Have to End a Relationship.

18 11 2013

The other night I decided since I didn’t have a Netflix tv obsession at the moment that I was going to instead sit through an entire movie. The movie I chose was called Fling. I picked it because it was about a couple in an open relationship. I thought it would be interesting to see how they worked through these ideas via a mainstream outlet. It was pretty typical in that the monogamy-culture won in the end.

But what really struck me odd was the way in which they proceeded to carry out this open relationship. It was unrealistic to say the least. They had established no boundaries in their non-monogamy, choosing to flirt, go home with, make-out with other people within each other’s presence. Now, there are very few people in the world who could handle doing this at the rate in which this couple did. Like they would go out together and then each other’s flings would show up at the same space and they didn’t think there would be drama or tension or awkwardness. And if there was awkwardness it wasn’t something the main couple were capable of admitting was happening between the two of them.

fling

What tore the couple apart was not the non-monogamy though. It was only after they started keeping secrets, lying, not communicating, that their relationship started to unravel. And they weren’t just lying to each other but to everyone close to them. The main guy started sleeping with his best friend’s sister and neglected to tell him. The best friend flipped and it was hard to determine if it was because he thought his sister deserved better or that he felt he was being deceived. In any case, it could have been not nearly dramatic if they were all just upfront from the beginning about everything–because if you love your sister and you love your best friend–why would it be a big deal if they loved each other too?

Some may say the main partnership always had problems and the two involved in the open-relationship were doing it because they didn’t want to be alone and were only with each other until something better came along. Because they blatantly loved each other I don’t think that’s a strong argument, but perhaps what happened is that they loved each other, but were no longer “in love” with each other.

It felt that they just threw themselves into an open-relationship without much thought as to how it should or could actually function properly. It initially worked when they were being truthful about everything and weren’t making any intense connections with other people. It was when other connections became stronger and they didn’t know how to balance all of the different emotions and issues within each coupling that it all seemed to fall apart.

I was left feeling torn because in a way it did show how an open-relationship doesn’t work and that could be just as beneficial for making sure that doesn’t happen within one’s own open-relationship, but at the same time it pushed monogamy, making their relationship seem perverted and not as serious or meaningful as it could be, which is bullshit.

The things that go wrong in relationships, whether monogamous or other, are generally the same. People fall out of love for whatever reasons and instead of ending it because they’re too scared or too comfortable they end up being dishonest, deceitful and they fail at communicating what’s going on with them.

In the end, I’d say it was an okay story, but it would be nice to see more movies or tv shows where non-monogamy (polyamory, open-relationships, etc.) works in a positive healthy way, but I suppose it takes people in them to start telling their stories and perhaps when it’s positive and healthy it’s actually pretty boring and no one really cares.





OKC Broadcast Dating Story Disasters.

12 11 2013

So, OK Cupid added this thing where you can “set your broadcast,” which is basically like a facebook status for dates. People use it to make plans within a two-hour time span. As a person with an adventurous spontaneous mentality I have on occasion tested this, sometimes for fun, when I need a few good posts for Aimless, sometimes when I am actually looking for someone to hangout with because all my “friends” are too busy for me.

jack ass

Story 1: No Confirmation

The first time I ever met anyone from a broadcast I put exactly where I was going to be, which, by the way, is a big mistake. I ended up meeting this guy at a bar near me; he was visiting from out of town and we had great conversation about writing, technology, beer etc. This was not like a date or a sexual thing, just two people enjoying life. Eventually it was bar close and it started clearing out. I guess I had seen the guy from the corner of my eye earlier, but randomly this 40ish tall skinny beaten-down looking ginger came up and started talking to us. Like he wouldn’t stop talking to us. He was drunk. Eventually we got out of there; I looked at my phone and he had sent me multiple messages, messages to the point of them feeling stalker-ish. It was weird because generally, at least in my opinion, you wouldn’t go to a place to meet someone unless the other person confirmed that they were indeed in desire of meeting you.

Story 2: Wiped Out.

Another time I had an extra ticket to a movie and I didn’t want to go alone because it looked like it was going to be intense. The movie was indeed intense, there was a lot of murdering and blood and dungeons and overall weirdness, to the point where I felt like I was going to vomit. But I didn’t.

No, I didn’t.

I got this guy into the movie with me, a ticket that would normally cost $13. I bought us a round at the theater. We then ended up at a bar after where we proceeded to get into this ugly argument about gender. Trust that it’s very difficult to win an argument with me about gender, though it’s a subject I thoroughly enjoy engaging in with people regardless of their knowledge or lack there of. Even though we were arguing he’d slip in stuff about going back to my place and wanting to kiss me etc. which I deflected because I was in no way interested.

In any case, I was slightly buzzed and he seemed to have suddenly gotten drunk drunk out of nowhere. I was talking about something, he took a drink of his beer and then out of nowhere spit it up all over me, like the beer projectiled across the table spraying me all across the front of my body. I stared at him in shock for a moment. Then I stared at him in complete annoyance.

“Dude. Aren’t you going to try to, I don’t know, wipe this off of me?” I said.

He just keeps looking down at the table shaking his head, “I can’t.” he replied.

I grabbed napkins from the bar and cleaned myself off.

“Well, I think it’s time for me to go.” I said.

Then he looks at me confused. “Aren’t you going to pay for your beer?”

By this point I was appalled. “Dude. I watched you the entire time while you ordered and they ran your card.”

“Oh. Oh, I don’t remember that.” He said.

I couldn’t handle the situation anymore. So I told him to deal with it; I thanked him for spitting up all over me and I left.

Later I got an apology text from him for being “rude,” but, yeah, that did nothing to help the rudeness at the time.

So. I think perhaps, it’s time to retire the broadcast idea, it’s probably time to retire OKC in general, but that’s a different story.