10 Randoms: Strange Love Sandwich.

27 09 2013

1. This is my response to the 300 Sandwiches situation:

sandwich

Seriously, this seems like an abusive relationship, at least mental abuse. Because marriage shouldn’t be the prize at the end of a stamp-card; on your 300th sandwich get a wedding ring! What a bunch of manipulative desperate bullshit.

2. Sometimes I leave my apartment and sometimes when I leave my apartment it’s afternoon. Usually I try to time it so this doesn’t happen, but more often than not I’m caught running into herds of high school students. High school kids are scary and it took me a while to figure out why. They’re scary because they’re mean. They’re mean and they’re always in groups. So it’s like walking through a pack of meanness. They don’t mean to be mean they just haven’t emotionally matured yet and they do what they need to do to fit in. But let me tell you, I hold my head high and I do not make eye contact when I come across a cluster of them.

3. Speaking of high school kids. They have revealed to me that romance is dead. I stepped outside in the afternoon one day and saw a couple making out in the parking lot of 7-11. Their high school is less than a block from city park, where birds chirp and it smells like wet grass. But no, these kids picked asphalt and the smell of wafting trash. I guess when you’re “in love” it doesn’t matter where you “love?”

teenagers-making-out-funny-pictures

4. The other day I accidentally bought mustard greens instead of kale. And I realized that was the most white-privileged thing I have ever thought/did/said.

5. So, while watching Jeopardy they had this question come up that said if you were 5’7” at 160 pounds your BMI would be 25, and thus you would be a tad overweight. As a person who is 5’7” and 160 pounds I would have to say that they don’t actually know how to calculate body fat based off of that formula. Particularly if the whole “muscle weighs more than fat” thing is accurate. Maybe you have or haven’t met me, but I’m fucking buff, I can open my own pickle jars buff, I am not overweight. Fuck that system.

6. Speaking of overweight. I’ve been eating really strangely lately. Like I won’t really be hungry until about 2 in the afternoon and then I’m like HUNGRY for four hours straight. So I eat. And eat. Then I’m full until about 10 and at that point I’m like oh, hell no, I’m not eating right now. So I try to go to bed instead and it’s hard to go to bed when you want to eat, but it’s stupid because I don’t need calories to sleep. At that point I read a book to distract myself and it almost always works.

7. Here’s the big one. As I said the other day on facebook, I realized that I can only sleep with books I love, all the others get the floor.

And that this should also probably be my approach to men.

Because when I’m reading a good book I don’t want it to stop, but sometimes I get tired and so I fall asleep holding it close to my chest, excited to open it the next day, excited for all the adventures it’s going to take me on and all the new ideas it will give me. And if a guy doesn’t give me that same feeling I should probably just get rid of him and find another book.

marilyn reading 2

8. Also, in that same vein, I wish that I felt the same way about people as I feel about dogs. Like when I see a dog I’m like, “oh my goddess what a cute creature,” and when I see a human I’m like, “please don’t look at me I don’t want to buy anything.”

9. What’s the last book I spooned with you’re wondering? Jennifer Egan’s A Visit From the Goon Squad. I won’t be hurt if you spoon with it too.

10. Want to read something of mine that isn’t random? Here’s a link to my elephant journal author page.





7 Randoms: Sexy and Disgusting. Oh, and a Gyllenhaal.

10 09 2013

1. Sometimes I have secret competitions with myself that could be deemed disgusting by many humans. For example, lately I’ve been attempting to see how bad I can smell before I have to take a shower. It can get pretty raunchy, particularly after I go for a run around city park in the 80+ degree heat. Another example, I have a hole in the front of my underwear and I’m trying to see how many more times I can wear them before it completely tears in half.

2. I was watching American Ninja Warrior and I think it should be a requirement for the “ninjas” to compete shirtless. Like, why even watch it if I can’t watch their muscles working?

ninja

3. There’s this rumor that you’re most like the 5 people you spend most of your time with, so I finally get why I don’t hang out with anyone in real life since I spend most of my time with the crew from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

4. Jake Gyllenhaaal has a new movie coming out. I don’t even care what it’s about. Just like Prince of Persia, if he’s in it, I’m there– regardless of quality.jake gyllenhaal

(I mean look at that face!)

5. Today I went on my longest run so far in city park, which wasn’t really that far, a little less than four miles. My biggest problem isn’t leg cramps or trouble breathing or even boredom, my biggest problem(s) are my boobs. I’ve gotten to the point where I wear two sports bras and still by the end of it my nipples are like WTF!??!! are you doing to us!!? I’ve looked up how to stop this pain but nothing so far has seemed to work. I don’t want to stop, because I’ve become slightly addicted to the running, which is a much better addiction than like smoking or drinking–at least for the rest of my body. Remember that old song from the late 90’s about the detachable penis. . . I kind of want that with my breasts. I mean, they’re not that big, they don’t really get in the way or anything, I think they’re just getting rubbed the wrong way. And no one likes to be rubbed the wrong way.

6. Is anyone else tired of all the twerking? Can’t we go back to shaking our tail-feathers or something equally as corny?

twofunnybirds

7.  I have a few weird hairs growing on my chin. I wonder how long I can get them to grow before I feel the need to pluck them out?





A Different Kind of Magic Bus.

6 09 2013

You know those dreams people have where they’re falling off of a cliff or a building or a ledge and it shakes them awake? Have you ever not woken up?

The other night I dreamt that I was on this bus going through one of the most majestic mountainous scenery I have ever witnessed it was like the Garden of the Gods and Roxborough State Park and Rocky Mountain National Park had merged together in my mind. And I was on top of one of the mountains. In a bus of all places. We drove all around looking at the view, and then we started to descend. And when I say descend I mean the bus basically drove off the mountain. And we were flying.

roxborough state park

I know that I stopped breathing.

I thought to myself, if this is the way I die, at least I have the best final view possible.

Then I let go.

I realized I wasn’t the driver of the bus. I had to trust the driver would get us to safe ground and in the meantime I could just enjoy the art of soaring through the sky. I mean no other places but the inside of a dream could really be that fantastical.

It is interesting to dive in deeper to dream interpretation. If at first I was falling and then I was flying it appears that at least in my subconscious dream state I was able to overcome my anxieties and challenges and find joy and liberation.

What that really says to me is that I need to quit falling in my every day and start flying instead. Or in another words, turn my negativity inside out and find a way to prevail over my challenges instead of letting my challenges eat me alive.





Put Your Keys Where I Can See Them: A Bar Tale.

5 09 2013

So, I was at the bar the other night and this random nerd came over and sat down beside me. He asked if it was okay and I said only if he could tell me a joke or a good story, he claimed he didn’t have any, only conversation. This song came on and he says, “have you ever heard of this band called Nirvana?”

Never. Ever. In my entire life.

“What are you into?” I asked.

“Batman,” he said. “I’m really into Batman.”

liquor

A few minutes later his friend joins him and buys him a shot. A shot that he didn’t want to begin with because he was already rather drunk. He took it and made that face. You all know what face I’m talking about, the “omg I’m going to puke face.” He rushes off to the bathroom obviously upchucks and comes back five minutes later. His friend asks him if he’s going to be able to get home okay. And this is where things get complicated.

The drunkpukenerd tells his friend that he’s fine, he’ll drive home. I overhear him say this and I respond, “oh no you won’t.”

We get into this huge argument.

He says:

“I’m not going to let some stranger tell me what to do, bitch. (hiccup) How are you going to stop me, you don’t know what I drive.” Etc.

I tell him that I will just follow him out when he leaves and when he gets behind the wheel I’ll call the police and give them his license plate number.

I was livid at this point, less so that he called me a bitch (even though that didn’t irritate me) and more so that he thought he was above the law, above morality, above ethics, that he was some sort of superman who could get behind a wheel, completely intoxicated, barely able to even say coherent sentences, and drive home in that state.

But who am I to interject? I mean, in a way there was very little I could do to stop him. When the bar closed and everyone left, I found them outside. I gave them the look, you know that look, the one that says, “if you even think about doing what you said you’re going to do I will destroy you,” look.

drunk guy

The friend said:

“Don’t worry, we’re walking home.”

I don’t know if they did or not.

I wasn’t their fucking babysitter. I was just a stranger who got tangled up in their drunken nerd mess.

Considering how many people die from drunk driving/drivers year after year, I do not understand why anyone even thinks it’s an option anymore. If one is not going to be responsible when imbibing than that person shouldn’t fucking drink, it’s that simple. We live in Denver, there are bars on like every block; drink somewhere that’s walkable from your house.  Or suck it up and pay for the cab. Is it really worth potentially ending a life to take that risk?

Makes me not want to leave my apartment weekend nights.





5 Randoms: Getting Squirrely in the Park.

22 08 2013

1. So I was running through the park the other day and there was a sign that said, “This park was paid partially by the Colorado State Lottery.” And it got me thinking, whoever doesn’t win on their lottery ticket in a round about way pays for the parks to exist. But then there are stupid rules about like “no camping,” in Denver parks to keep the homeless out, yet many homeless people buy lottery tickets. So, because their money is going to the parks, shouldn’t they get to vote or have a say in whether or not they’re allowed to sleep there overnight? And if they’re paying for it, aren’t they at least in a round about way, renting access to the park?

denver-skyline-from-city-park

2. I saw this quote earlier, it said, “the best relationship is the one which your love for each other exceeds the need for each other.” I think that’s pretty powerful and is a way of saying that you want the person you love to reach their full potential in whatever means is necessary for them, even if that means moving or not being together etc. though of course, it also means that when you’re together there is little drama because you’re enjoying each other’s company to the fullest.

love-love

3. I wonder often about the choices of squirrels. I see them scurrying around at dog parks and I think to myself, are these little vermin adventurous risk takers? Are they trying to tease these poor dogs? Or are they here because they’re just not very smart? Perhaps they just have no fear.

cute-squirrel-drinking-fountain

4. I just discovered these youtube videos that teach one how to do weird cool things to her nails, like water marbling. I’m excited to waste hours of my life trying to do it.

watermarble nails

5. Hot Donna from That 70’s Show is now playing this hot lesbian ex-drug smuggler in the Netflix original series Orange is the New Black. She could turn a girl gay. The show is pretty excellent so far; it might be my new addiction. Or maybe it’s just her.

Laura-Prepon-Hot





Running Down Positivity

14 08 2013

My day started rather shitty as I had a blog all written up and ready to post and due to technological issues it disappeared. So, that threw me off as it felt like a big waste of my time and I was also pissed at myself for allowing amateur blogging mistakes to happen. So I went for a run and tried to change the energy. By the end of the run after dodging mud puddles and goose poop, after almost being hit by a car and then getting hollered at again, I was not feeling any better.

Then I realized I had to change my mindset because that’s the only way my outlook would improve.

So Here’s Everything I’m Thankful for Regarding My Run Today.

I have two legs.
I can for the most part breathe like a regular healthy human.
It’s fucking nice outside.
There’s a huge park right near my apartment.
I did not step in goose poop even though it was EVERYWHERE (at least I don’t think I did).
I did not get hit by that giant SUV, though they did come mighty close.
The guy who hollered at me wasn’t technically hitting on me, I don’t think.
Another guy walking his dogs asked me how my day was going, what a friendly neighborhood!
I have the time available due to my flexible work schedule to run and to run when hardly any one else is thus minimizing that weird passing interaction that always happens—do I look, do I not look?
There was one hot guy running, that’s always a bonus.
I looked at pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal earlier. Oh, and again just now, because I can.
I mean hot damn! Not many guys can pull off the “wet clothes” look.
There is this smell, it’s like a mixture of pine and wet grass and sunshine that hits me while I’m outside sometimes, that’s an amazing smell.
I am alive and mostly functioning.

jake_gyllenhaal_01

Wooh! Yay positivity. Fuck ya.

Also, side note, have you checked out any of my latest elephant journal articles? I’m trying to be the most popular writer on there because I like everyone to like me!

This one wasn’t very popular because it wasn’t about sex.





6 Randoms: Getting Loosey Goosey.

6 08 2013

1. Recently I moved across Colfax and now am located in between Cheesman Park and City Park. I’ve started running through City Park to try a new route and I’m pretty sure they should just go ahead and rename it to Goose Park. They’re pretty chill geese, but I remember back in the day a herd of them charging at me, honking, beaks out ready to peak me to death. So. It’s always a risk I take while running over there.

funny-duck-chasing-little-girl-no-means-nothing-goose-angry-pics

2. Did you hear about the science lab that created a $325,000 artificial meat patty from the stem-cells of the shoulder of a cow? It seems like an expensive investment but then when you think about the amount of dead animals that get consumed in a year on the planet, and the cost of their wasted lives—not to mention the amount of food and land and water it takes to run the meat industry, perhaps the lab is going in a good direction. Even though in reality we could all live without hamburgers altogether.

3. I love opening up my windows and feeling the nice breeze blow through the apartment, but sometimes the sounds of summer are not entirely pleasant, the constant block circling of the ice cream truck, the next door neighbors—no matter where I am at—working on some construction project, semi-trucks revving, ambulances rolling through constantly. It’s kind of loud out there.

4. Speaking of loud trucks, it could just be me, but there seems to be a surplus of hot sexy firefighters around Denver. What do I have to light on fire to meet one?

sexyfiremanco

5. Yesterday, while waiting to go to work I met Homeless Joe. He had just spent his last $1.50 on a beer and sat down at the bus stop to enjoy it. He told me that sometimes when he stands on the corner he can wait for up to four hours and not make anything, other times he can make $20 in a minute. He said it’s like playing the slots and the house always win. I don’t know why I thought that they probably made way more money than that, I guess I read an article a long time ago about certain homeless people in New York or Chicago or somewhere making like 50K a year. Obviously that’s a rare situation.

6. Recently I posted an article on elephant journal called Caught Between Monogamy & Polyamory: A Case of One-itis and on their sub-page on facebook in the Dating & Relationship section some dude wrote this:
granola

And I just want to take a moment to analyze it.

Somewhere in this statement is blatant fear of female sexuality, because being a liberated woman means I can do what I want with my body—part of that liberation is the choice to not have children. The problem with these kinds of statements is that they assume that reproduction is the one and only goal of women on the planet and women who do not abide by this are “mad,” and are “selfish,” and are not saying anything of value because of that. It’s just another way that men, whether consciously or not, attempt to hold on to power. “We” call “them,” is a passive manipulative way of trying to act as if other people are on his side and that there are other people on mine, instead of him just being courageous enough to say that he thinks I’m a flake and to own up to his opinion.

My opinion is that I don’t even like granola that much so I probably shouldn’t be labeled one.