Why I’m Not Having Sex (with you).

28 03 2012

I just got an email from Health.com that read, “10 Reasons Why You’re Not Having Sex” and I’d just like to point out that they are wrong. Those are not the 10 reasons why I’m not having sex.

These are the 10 reasons I’m not having sex.

1.) I am alone.

Currently I am living the single life. I know this doesn’t usually stop people, but lately I haven’t really felt like giving it up to randoms.

2.) My bed is too comfortable.

I sleep diagonally and I really don’t want anyone to ruin that for me.

3.) My lack of meds is turning me into a crazy person.

I went off birth control at the beginning of October and it’s turned me a little nutty. Mood swings, up and down desires, zits, emotional roller-coasters, fun times such as that. I’m glad that I’m getting it out of my system but since my period isn’t regular yet, I don’t want to add any one else to my potential “baby-daddy” list right now.

4.) My not-very-busy life-style. 

I am boring. The end.

5.) I am too sexy.

The article talked about body-image issues and you know what, I’m tired of that excuse. We all have our hang-ups. There are things I don’t like about my body (depending on the lighting) but I accept my body and I try to take care of it–and if that’s not good enough for someone else than they don’t deserve to enjoy it.

6.) I’m addicted to my vibrator! 

Well, not yet, because I just got it last night. But I could be very soon and I’m okay with that. It’s safer, more reliable, we don’t have to talk about anything, I can change the speed and pulsation at a click of a button, it fits in a drawer, it’s a one-time purchase that will last me for years without any arguments. So yeah, addicted–no, but I don’t see the problem with it being my source of orgasm as opposed to some stranger I could pick up at a bar (and then not even get off with).

7.) I smell.

Maybe people just aren’t attracted to my pheremones or my hairy armpits.

8.) I’m a cyborg!

Part of the problem is that I spend too much time online and not enough time in the real world. Sure, I have plenty of online dating messages, but none of them ever seem to pan out, even after we meet. Perhaps online dating creates too much pressure, or it just feels forced, or the connection is just never there.

9. Crushed-Out.

I can’t decide if I have a crush on this one particular person or if I actually do not. If I do then I’m going about it all wrong. If I don’t than it’s all fine and dandy. I don’t know if this is necessarily preventing me from having sex, but it’s in the back of my mind when I meet other people. Not that I care to ever be monogamous again, but developing a stronger relationship with some people over others is still a priority for me-if said person is worth that stronger development.

I know that I shouldn’t have a crush on this person because we’re actually probably not a very good fit. We each have other more compatible people out there in the world for us. But I can’t help it. And it’s sad to me when a crush fades so maybe I’m just trying to hold onto that feeling because I like the feeling, not because the crush is ever going to develop into anything.

10.) I am lazy (and picky) 

Sex takes a lot of effort and energy and time and care and consideration. And I don’t think I have much of any of that right now. So. Besides my on-going affair with Tango I plan to stay sex-free for awhile.

So take THAT Health.com I don’t need to do it with anyone else to be happy and content and fulfilled. I mean, yes, it could be nice, COULD be, but I’m not going to get all worried about it if it’s not happening with anyone. I’ll just be happy and content and fulfilled with myself.

I. Am. A. Slut.

8 03 2012

There has been a lot of talk recently about sluts. And I’ve been trying to stay out of it because I fear I’m just going to repeat much of what’s been said, but I just can’t keep quiet any longer.

First of all there is the obvious debate going around that any woman who has sex before marriage recreationally is a slut. So, basically, most women. Right. But, that’s sort of like the hahah joke. It works to make the argument about women’s reproductive rights seem ridiculous while at the same time still undermining women’s sexual choices by not acknowledging a sex positive stance. There is still an underlying puritanical phobia about women being sexual.

We can joke that any woman in a monogamous relationship that’s sexual is a slut, because she’s not really. She’s actually following the new standard script for relationship structures. Just because the old fuddy-duddy republicans seem to still be obsessed with marriage and God doesn’t mean the general population agrees.

But the general population may agree that there is a real definition of a slut.

And that slut-type is not acceptable.

Gayle Rubin talks about this in her now classic theoretical essay, Thinking Sex. In fact, she has a whole graph designed that shows what is deemed “good” and “bad” types of sex. Heterosexual vanilla monogamists—are good. Not being married, doing it for non-reproductive reasons is like middle ground but not bad.


Is it possible to erase these ideas of good v. bad and just accept that everyone has different expressions of their sexuality and should be able to act on their desires as long as everyone involved consents and it’s safe?

And isn’t consenting and being safe also related to access to birth control?

It reverts back to the ideas of controlling one’s own body, what goes in, what stays out. And part of that control is keeping it healthy; being sexual can keep it healthy for some, not having babies can keep it healthy for some, (actually not having babies can keep it healthy for the planets population control but that’s a whole other argument).

What I’m trying to get at is that everyone has the right to be a slut. There is nothing wrong with being a slut. Being sexually expressive (consensual and safe) should not be shameful. It should be respected and actually encouraged.

What’s wrong with people experiencing pleasure?

How does someone’s pleasure hurt another?

Why should anyone be able to control, manipulate, and coerce others into experiencing sexuality a particular way? That isn’t pleasurable at all. But that’s pretty much what’s going on. And no one should approve of this kind of behavior/policing/power-play.

Sluts unite!

Let’s get our freak on.

All the way back in 93–they knew what was up.