Top 5 Sex, Sex, and No Sex: Tips, Tricks, and Troubles.

9 10 2012

I’ve had a bizarre week full of sex workshops, conferences, bar talk and strange dates. Here’s just a tidbit of all of that.

1.) More from Blow Him Away.

This book is full of exercises to strengthen the mouth, lips, and tongue. One of my favorites is to pretend I have peanut butter on my mouth and then lick it off. To add variety one can also try to take the peanut butter off with their lips. The book says to “pretend” to have peanut butter, but since I am constantly eating peanut butter any way, I do it for real! Watch out boys. Muahaha.

2.) Penis Push-Ups.

Women can exercise their pc (pubococcygeus) muscles by just contracting and releasing them or by using kegel balls, but I recently learned how men can also exercise theirs. This is a Porn Star Trick: all they need to do is take a dry washcloth, put it on top of their penis and try to lift the washcloth up and down. Once they’ve accomplished this trick, they can wet the washcloth for additional weight. Then they can move up to a hand towel. Having strong pc muscles makes for stronger longer better orgasms and it helps with urinary and fecal incontinence. Yay being healthy!

3.) Squirt—Not Just a Delicious Soda.

I was at this workshop on female ejaculation. I thought it was going to be all encompassing– giving physical tips and tricks as well as discussing more intimate connections regarding it – but no. That’s not really what happened. It was very much more hippie-dippie than that. They called their vulvas yonis and talked about letting the “goddess juice flow.” Yeah. And then we had to get into groups and discuss our feelings and experiences regarding the whole thing.

Awkward is not quite the word. It was more awkward than awkward.

The worst part is that when I talked about my perspective the people in the group made me feel very uncomfortable. I believe it was because they were quite a bit older than me. And they could not imagine a woman being able to ejaculate with someone who they did not have an intense intimate connection with. They looked at me with sadness. Or like they felt sorry for me or something. Which really pissed me off.

What the fuck old people?

I feel like our generation is different. And I’m curious if we’re missing something in regards to the sex world or if the reason why I was basically the youngest person there is because most people my age don’t need to go to those things?

I can’t figure it out.

I do know plenty of people who at least discuss relationship dynamics and sexuality on a regular basis, but is the format for us more intimate, more one-on-one, less workshoppy? Are workshops for losers?

If this is an area I’m interested in should I turn more toward the social media route? It’s really difficult because it’s a road I’d like to walk down, but if it’s going to be filled with unattractive hippies who hug for too long I think I may want to change my direction and go for another line of work.

4.) Leading the Way.

I was out with some friends and one happens to be a 4th year med student surgeon. We were discussing items that are most commonly retrieved from the anal canal. The #1 thing he says that he sees–hot wheels. Hot wheels! From middle-aged men. Now, this I found to be too intriguing. What’s the deal with that? Is it some sort of revenge on their children? Hahaha!

“I stuff this toy of yours up my butt and now you’re going to play with it!”

Or some other sort of link between sexuality and childhood. Perhaps their first boner they remember getting was while playing with the cars and now they have some fetish for them?

Vroom Vroom.

All I know is that I now what to make anal plugs shaped like cars.

5.) To Kiss or Not to Kiss.

I’ve gone out with this guy a few times but there has been no physical contact. They’re always dates, but then they end anti-climatically. Maybe it’s me. I seem to be attracting a lot of celibate guys lately. It’s disturbing me in so many ways. Will I have to get back on ok cupid? Please Goddess I pray not! I really am not sure what I’m supposed to do here. This is the first time in my life where not just one, but two guys are confusing the heck out of me. I told my friend earlier today that winter is just around the corner, perhaps it’s time for me to hibernate my heart.





10 Randoms: Wanking Off Into the Future.

2 10 2012

1.) I’ve started reading this book at my store called Blow Him Away and it’s actually really fascinating—and not because it explains how to give good head. Actually, it’s written from a speech therapist’s point of view and it focuses more on the strength of my mouth, lips, and tongue, which isn’t something I’d ever really thought about. Particularly, I’ve never really thought about where my tongue is supposed to sit in my mouth. Like, I thought it sat wherever it naturally felt comfortable, but that isn’t necessarily right.

It’s supposed to rest on the roof of your mouth not resting against your top teeth and not resting against your bottom row of teeth.

If it rests in the proper spot it’s supposed to help you breathe better and prevent snoring. Awesome thing to know.

2.) I have this weird thing where I think that the coffee mug I pick for the day will somehow determine the mood I will be in after I drink said coffee. Like it’s rainbow coffee mug day or it’s a cute puppy dog mug day. And really I don’t think it does anything. Today my mug is blue. Just blue. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

3.) I read this short article on Jezebel the other day about a store opening up in Japan that caters to women wanking off. It was funny because someone left a comment that said something along the lines of, “oh, create a woman-only store and then fill it with dicks because that’s all women want anyway.” Haha. I don’t know about that. There are a lot of sex toys not shaped like penises, but if I personally don’t think I’d ever want to go to a bar where a bunch of women are sitting around masturbating. Unless I wanted a good laugh. Because honestly, sex is comical, particularly when done solo.

4.) If something in my day switches my mood I seriously think about running away. I am not mature.  Also, I never imagine my existence actually affecting those around me. Like, nothing I do actually does anything to anyone’s way of life. I’m just sort of here. But I don’t think that can be right. I think that must be a cowardly thing to think.

5.) This guy just rode by on his bike and he looked very familiar. He’s a tall broad black man with blonde dreads, pretty distinguishable. Then I remembered. He comes into the store like once a month fucked up beyond words, drunk, high on who knows what. Usually in a cowboy hat. I don’t know if he ever actually buys anything or if he just comes in trying to come down before heading home. It was weird to see him riding a bike. There are places people belong and then places they belong again but witnessing them out of the usual place makes the second place appear unreasonable even dreamlike—though not entirely unreal.

6.) Back to my future. I know I’ve discussed this quite a bit on here, but I think I’m narrowing it down more and more as the days linger on.

Here are my current options:

continue writing television show—finish show—find someone to produce it (however that works) get it on air. Work on getting my sex education certificate. Teach seminars. Become a representative of a well-made sex toy company. Travel all over selling that particular brand. Write books. More seminars.

My other idea is to return to Kansas and become an organic farmer. But I’m thinking it would be best to wait until my mother retires so she can help me. As long as she retires with her sanity (you can do that, right, mom?). I mean I’d be in my late 30’s, early 40’s I think that’s like the perfect age for organic farming. I’ll grow hops and blueberries and strawberries and make delicious fruity beer and just get drunk off the land all day. Yeah, perfect plan. (The Kansas thing may be the hardest part in this scenario.)

7.) My tarot card reading for the day looks very promising. I got several strong cards including XVIII The Sun (accomplishment/Love), X Wheel of Fortune (Destiny, Advancement, Unexpected events),  XXI The World (Perfection, just rewards for hard work) and for my “future future” the Nine of Cups (success, abundance, wishes fulfilled).  Must make this a blue mug kind of day!

8.) Here’s a mega-life problem I’m running into. Ever since graduate school when I uncovered the pitfalls of monogamy I’ve realized that I am not monogamy material. This can be proven by my series of terrible mistakes made against past boyfriends—though the last one I was actually faithful to (a big switcheroo happened there). But, on the other hand, I’m not really into polyamory either. I tried it. And maybe I need to try it again just to be sure. But I’m pretty sure I do not have the time or energy to invest in that sort of dynamic. Unless I’m like the secondary in a triad and can just hang out in their cottage house all day and write and grow hops and drink beer. Then maybe I could handle it.

But now, when I actually sort of kind of like a guy I don’t know how to deal. Because I’m an attention whore. I want him (everyone) to give me all of the attention. Yet, I can’t be a hypocrite and claim non-monogamy and yet want him to not like anyone else when I know deep down that I will at some point get bored and want to explore other options. AHH! WTF?! I must stop liking people. That will solve that.

9.) I get sick pleasure in seeing receding hairlines in men that I used to know.

10.) Season 5 of Gossip Girl is now on netflix. XOXO.