Well, This is Embarrassing.

30 10 2012

Last night I met up with this guy, who theoretically should be a really good match. He also has two masters degrees, is vegan, hates sports, etc. but just because you have basics in common doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll fall in love, or even like the person.

The encounter didn’t go so well. For one thing he was indecisive, which drives me nuts. Being the all-time assertive one in the relationship is not something I want. I’ve done that before. For many years in fact, and I’m over. I am perfectly fine with making some of the decisions, but I don’t think I should be responsible for doing it every time, all the time.

That wasn’t really the problem. Though it irritated me. And because I was irritated I got really bored and tired before he even showed up.

Finally, he did.

Then we got into this argument about how to have a conversation.

Or, more importantly, he asked me to, “tell him an embarrassing story.”

And I wasn’t in the mood.

He claimed that either 1.) Nothing ever embarrassing has ever happened to me (which would mean I’m some sort of cyborg alien human hybrid) or 2) It would have to be so embarrassing as to not want to share (which would have been completely acceptable, had that been the reason.)

I of course went with the cyborg alien human hybrid response.

Because I agree that embarrassing things have happened to me, but at the time I couldn’t think of anything worthy of story-telling. Yeah, I’ve tripped, I’ve farted at in-opportune times, I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth, but everyone has done those things. Thus, I don’t find them embarrassing. Or suitable for discussion.

I’m beginning to think I really do have something wrong with me. Perhaps it’s just basic nihilism –I don’t care if I do something awkward–I’m not existing on this planet to impress people.

At some point he said, “oh, nothing embarrassing, so are you a virgin?,” piggy-backing off a previous conversation that also didn’t go so well. As if having sex is embarrassing. Of course it is, but just like being caught with your zipper down, it’s happened to everyone. Thus, who cares?

Therein lies the main issue here– who cares. Obviously not me. This highlights why I should just stop meeting people entirely. He also implied that I was boring. At the time I would entirely agree with that. I was being boring. It was nice to be called out on it. A critical examination of my terrible dating skills. No wonder I’ve gone on so many.

And no wonder I feel it’s time for me to overhaul my personality. I don’t really know what that means or how it looks, but whatever I’ve got going on for me right now is clearly not working. For me. Or for anyone I’m meeting. So. I guess I just need to be a different person. Maybe a person who cares, who gets embarrassed, who can expose vulnerability and be okay with herself after it.

 

If not, whatever, nihilism hasn’t killed me yet.

Advertisements




10 Randoms: Slow and Fast Recovery.

24 10 2012

1.) It’s weird when the world around you keeps going and all you want to do is sleep.

2.) When I’m sick, I realize I often use the wrong words, like I’ll write “told” instead of “so” or “my” instead of “me” etc.

3.) I’m feeling better. But am I feeling better enough to dress up like a panda for work?

4.) I need more focus. I think I need to hire a life coach.

5.) Or I need to read that book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It’s on my to-do list. . . well, not yet, once I figure out where I put my to-do list I will put it on there.

6.) I’ve also come to discover that if I feel like something isn’t good enough just as what it is, I always make it into something more. For example, my job. All the stories and weirdness and lack of monetary gain cannot be kept secret, thus I’m turning it into a tv show. Sure, these first drafts probably suck ass but at least I’m doing something with it. Same goes for my dating life. There is a slight chance that with in the next few months I will be exposing it to the world. But you won’t know it’s me, so don’t worry.

7.) Oh dating. Sort of glad I got sick so I could take a break from that. Maybe it happened just for that very reason.

8.) There really are a lot of people in the world who I find not very attractive. I’m not saying that they are unattractive, just that I don’t find them attractive. I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel the same way about me.

9.) I started watching Sons of Anarchy as per suggested by a friend, the only reason I keep watching it is because of this guy. My new boyfriend.

Meow.

10.) I’m pretty sure I am the only person on earth who has such an eclectic taste in who I’m attracted to, even though I’m so not attracted to so many people. But there are a lot of people in the world. I’m just saying, based off of my recent record of dating, no one could pinpoint a type for me. Seriously though, that guy minus the facial hair would be my #1 go-to. And yeah, then, Jake Gyllenhaal. You hear that Jake, you’ve been demoted.





Look Who’s Talking.

12 10 2012

Talk is hard.  Not small talk. Not even gossip or philosophical talk. But “feelings” talk. My family and I have never been the best at communicating how we feel. If someone upset us, we’d just keep it bottled in, holding small grudges until they exploded into, on occasion, family feuds. And more often than not, resentment.

The whole, “I feel ____” is actually difficult for me to say out loud. It has taken a lot of practice on my part, but I try to do it. I’m trying to do it. Because though it often makes me feel anxious, I know when it’s over I’m going to feel much better that whatever is going on between me and another person is clear. Clarity and honesty. Boundaries. Understanding. It’s very nice to have that between people, though it is more often never discussed out loud.

Why is talking about this stuff so difficult? Is it because we become vulnerable when we tell another person what we want/need? Is it because we’re afraid we’ll hurt someone else’s feelings?

If a situation happened and I pissed someone off and they didn’t express their anger to me but then a year later when I did something else that upset them they just burst out a long laundry list of everything I’ve ever done that’s irritated them, I’d think I’m be more hurt by that then if they just said right away, “Krystal, I feel frustrated when _____.” Because if I’m doing something wrong I’d want to fix it. I think most people feel this way right?

But still, I think that this type of communicating has to be made into a habit. It has to be practiced. Just like every other healthy way of living.

Okay, why am I blabbering about this today? Last night this guy I’ve been kind of seeing off and on for the last monthish and I “Friend-Zoned,” each other and I think we both came out of it just fine. It wasn’t awkward. We simply discussed it. We didn’t stop texting each other or simply avoiding one another. And now we can continue to hang out and it not be weird. Well, it might be weird, but only because both of us are weird, not that being around each other would be weird for either of us.

And yeah, with the new friend-zone, it’s back to the dating board. How thrilling for the world! I think I just need to meet a nice Jewish boy.  Or a sugar daddy. Or both!

Yeah, my friend was right about writing an encyclopedia on dating instead of just a book. But I’m thinking maybe I could do a tetralogy series, a book for each season of the year! It’s the new trilogy! It will be like 50 Shades + Twilight  + Harry Potter + Game of Thrones all mixed into one. But nothing like those at all! Sign up now for an advanced-copy!

 

 

(How does that make you feel?)





10 Randoms: Secrets Don’t Make Friends, but Since I Have Enough of Those Already. . .

27 09 2012

1.) Well. I realized that when I get scheduled during the day it is impossible for me to blog. So, every two weeks it seems I will not be blogging. I don’t really think it’s necessarily consistent to have me work two weeks at a time opening and then two weeks at a time closing but at least a pattern is starting to emerge. I prefer working nights. Because I can write and workout and read during the day, then go to work. Whereas if I work in the day, when I get home I tend to just eat a bunch of food and then go out and drink. Terrible. Terribly unproductive.

2.) The next door neighbor’s dog is barking. I’ve been contemplating getting a dog. I still don’t think I am responsible enough.

3.) All the things I want to tell you I can’t.

4.) Yes. I have secrets.

5.) My computer is incredibly dirty. Those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers actually work pretty well, though I have no idea where I put them.

6.) I haven’t had this color of nail polish since the 6th grade. Nostalgia.

7.) I’m happy that it’s rainy–I’m not ONLY happy when it’s raining, but when it hardly ever happens and then it does, it really puts me in a better mood.

8.) Also this happened on facebook earlier and well, it really made me giggle.

9.) Hey! I’ve gone out with the same guy more than one time. I hope you are all proud of me.

10.) All I really want is stuffing. Like every day from now until spring. I don’t get why people only eat it once, maybe twice, a year.





Yay to Self-Analysis with No Self-Help!

8 08 2012

I went on a date last night with a certified nerd. We started talking about Harry Potter and about how someone I know owns a cape and a wand based off the movies. He admitted to owning a wand himself and then he asked if there was anything I was really into.

I thought about it for a second and said “no, I like to keep everything equally distant from me so nothing can ever break my heart.”

At the time we just laughed about it, but the more I think about it, the more depressed I become.

And it’s not like being really into Harry Potter or Star Wars or Comic Books could break a person’s heart, which is why nerds are into that stuff anyway, but the things that I used to be really into actually can and do.

The only things I’ve ever really collected (besides a troll obsession in 2nd grade) have been ideas—feminism, veganism, existentialism, socialism, theoretical approaches to race, class, sexuality, freedom. The more one learns the more painful life becomes. Seeing through the fabric that keeps America clothed is rather frightening and sad.

Maybe that’s why for the past two years I’ve kept my distance. Maybe that distance is why I haven’t accomplished anything with my life. Maybe feeling like I need to accomplish something is just another layer of societal guilt keeping me in this constant state of push-pull.

Maybe I need to quit going on dates.

That’s a big one right there. If I responded with, “I like to keep everything equally distant,” it’s really obvious I should not be dating. I am not capable of letting anyone in. It would be almost impossible to develop any sort of meaningful relationship with me because the entire time I’d just be waiting for the moment in which it all fell to shit. Because it will.

Yeah yeah, many people probably want to respond with, “but just enjoy it while you can,” or “if you found the right person. . . .”

blah.

I am not capable of being in a meaningful relationship. It has been concluded. That is the final decision.

And with that I give up.

I would like to find an obsession. I would like to really be into something. But I don’t want to allow anything that much power over me. I want to be able to walk away if I need to. I need to be able to walk away when I have to.





The Period Means Go.

28 05 2012

It’s the home stretch now kids. Only four more days of Manless May. I realized that I accidentally scheduled hanging out with a man tonight. I may have to cancel, even though I don’t think it technically counts, but just in case.

It doesn’t count because the best thing happened to me the other day.

Can you guess?

It’s what I’ve been waiting for for months. Four months, actually.

My period FINALLY started!

And yes, I had gone to the doctor and they had told me that nothing was wrong even though I hadn’t bled in months, but I didn’t want to take any chances. It was one of the main reasons I gave up dating. I felt that if my body wasn’t behaving properly that I should take time off from people to give it the opportunity to revive. Now it has!

Since my period started I’ve been attempting to come up with the grossest things I can say about it to describe to people what’s happening. Here are a few of them:

IT’S LIKE A HORROR MOVIE DOWN THERE!

IT’S LIKE BRUNCH IS COMING OUT OF MY VAG!!! (this is a bloody Mary reference)

IT’S LIKE A KETCHUP BOTTLE EXPLODED IN MY PANTIES!!!

IT’S LIKE I’M BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!!

Please feel free to tell me one of yours. It just doesn’t work well to have a 13-year-old-boy sense of humor and then have something so mature happen to me. I feel like I’m not grown-up enough to handle this. Because it’s been a long time. Seriously. I had a 3-day period in January, besides that, I haven’t had one for years. Years!!! Thanks to progesterone-only pills and depo (DO NOT TAKE DEPO, if you’re on it right now GET OFF, it’s SOOOO bad). Anyway, it’s sort of like I’m going through puberty all over again. I even have zits. Plenty and plenty of zits. I don’t know how many of you remember me in junior high–but damn–it’s not quite that bad, but it’s getting there.

One day balance will come.

I just have to let all the weird hormones release from my system.

Taking the month off was really good for me. I remember reading this article about women who take birth control being attracted to a different kind of man then when not on birth control (because of hormone changes). And how many times these couples end up getting married, then the woman gets off the birth control and discovers she’s not so into the guy like originally thought. Yikes. That would be awful. I’m just curious the type of guy I’m going to start being attracted to now that the hormones are closer to being out of my system. Will it be a John Wayne type or will it a James Franco type (like it has always been). Either way I’d like the person to be rich.

Perhaps June will be full of me going to expensive bars trying to find a sugar daddy.

No, no, no. I still have too much writing to do.





Trying to Catch Myself Before I Fall.

26 04 2012

Hey kids! I know it’s been awhile. the truth is I got distracted by a boy. A very beautiful charming boy…okay, a man really, who is now far far away again and I’m sad.

I can’t quite tell you what it was that made me fall (not even sure if it’s a true fall). I’d like to blame it on the distance as I seem to have a problem with liking unreachable impossible relationships. We don’t need a psychologist here to figure out why this is true.

Why is he so cute? Why is he so funny? Why is he so smart? Make it stop!!! Ugh.

I’m mostly irritated at myself for allowing this to happen. I should have known better.

So the plan is to give it time and see if it prospers or withers up and dies. I feel the door is slightly ajar and I am at the point where I can’t decide if I’d prefer to open it all the way or slam it shut again.

Oh, complications.

I will say that I spend too much time contemplating and planning my social relationships and I need to take a step back and focus on myself. It’s annoying because I’ve known this for months and yet I can’t get myself to do it. Changing habits and actually taking time for inner reflection are both frightening yet necessary.

Also, on an entirely different subject. I’ve been contemplating getting a tattoo. Mom, don’t freak out–I know you said you’d cut me off and disown me etc. etc. but I am 27 now and it wouldn’t be tasteless. The likelihood that it will happen is at about 31% and it wouldn’t be for like a year because I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I’d want it to look like. I know that I’d want it to be a fawn. You know, like my middle name. Pretty simple, maybe it’s corny, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to put on my body permanently.

This is not a fawn, I hope you all knew that. But I like the silhouette style, maybe.

I also like this.

Or I could get a whole sleeve with a fawn in the wilderness and stuff?

Thoughts? Opinions? Suggestions?

Back to falling:

If nothing magical and life-changing comes out of it I at least now know about this band and have become rather obsessed with this song.

*sighing over my coffee wearing my white tank top scratching my white trash butt*