10 Randoms: Secrets Don’t Make Friends, but Since I Have Enough of Those Already. . .

27 09 2012

1.) Well. I realized that when I get scheduled during the day it is impossible for me to blog. So, every two weeks it seems I will not be blogging. I don’t really think it’s necessarily consistent to have me work two weeks at a time opening and then two weeks at a time closing but at least a pattern is starting to emerge. I prefer working nights. Because I can write and workout and read during the day, then go to work. Whereas if I work in the day, when I get home I tend to just eat a bunch of food and then go out and drink. Terrible. Terribly unproductive.

2.) The next door neighbor’s dog is barking. I’ve been contemplating getting a dog. I still don’t think I am responsible enough.

3.) All the things I want to tell you I can’t.

4.) Yes. I have secrets.

5.) My computer is incredibly dirty. Those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers actually work pretty well, though I have no idea where I put them.

6.) I haven’t had this color of nail polish since the 6th grade. Nostalgia.

7.) I’m happy that it’s rainy–I’m not ONLY happy when it’s raining, but when it hardly ever happens and then it does, it really puts me in a better mood.

8.) Also this happened on facebook earlier and well, it really made me giggle.

9.) Hey! I’ve gone out with the same guy more than one time. I hope you are all proud of me.

10.) All I really want is stuffing. Like every day from now until spring. I don’t get why people only eat it once, maybe twice, a year.





Yay to Self-Analysis with No Self-Help!

8 08 2012

I went on a date last night with a certified nerd. We started talking about Harry Potter and about how someone I know owns a cape and a wand based off the movies. He admitted to owning a wand himself and then he asked if there was anything I was really into.

I thought about it for a second and said “no, I like to keep everything equally distant from me so nothing can ever break my heart.”

At the time we just laughed about it, but the more I think about it, the more depressed I become.

And it’s not like being really into Harry Potter or Star Wars or Comic Books could break a person’s heart, which is why nerds are into that stuff anyway, but the things that I used to be really into actually can and do.

The only things I’ve ever really collected (besides a troll obsession in 2nd grade) have been ideas—feminism, veganism, existentialism, socialism, theoretical approaches to race, class, sexuality, freedom. The more one learns the more painful life becomes. Seeing through the fabric that keeps America clothed is rather frightening and sad.

Maybe that’s why for the past two years I’ve kept my distance. Maybe that distance is why I haven’t accomplished anything with my life. Maybe feeling like I need to accomplish something is just another layer of societal guilt keeping me in this constant state of push-pull.

Maybe I need to quit going on dates.

That’s a big one right there. If I responded with, “I like to keep everything equally distant,” it’s really obvious I should not be dating. I am not capable of letting anyone in. It would be almost impossible to develop any sort of meaningful relationship with me because the entire time I’d just be waiting for the moment in which it all fell to shit. Because it will.

Yeah yeah, many people probably want to respond with, “but just enjoy it while you can,” or “if you found the right person. . . .”

blah.

I am not capable of being in a meaningful relationship. It has been concluded. That is the final decision.

And with that I give up.

I would like to find an obsession. I would like to really be into something. But I don’t want to allow anything that much power over me. I want to be able to walk away if I need to. I need to be able to walk away when I have to.





The Period Means Go.

28 05 2012

It’s the home stretch now kids. Only four more days of Manless May. I realized that I accidentally scheduled hanging out with a man tonight. I may have to cancel, even though I don’t think it technically counts, but just in case.

It doesn’t count because the best thing happened to me the other day.

Can you guess?

It’s what I’ve been waiting for for months. Four months, actually.

My period FINALLY started!

And yes, I had gone to the doctor and they had told me that nothing was wrong even though I hadn’t bled in months, but I didn’t want to take any chances. It was one of the main reasons I gave up dating. I felt that if my body wasn’t behaving properly that I should take time off from people to give it the opportunity to revive. Now it has!

Since my period started I’ve been attempting to come up with the grossest things I can say about it to describe to people what’s happening. Here are a few of them:

IT’S LIKE A HORROR MOVIE DOWN THERE!

IT’S LIKE BRUNCH IS COMING OUT OF MY VAG!!! (this is a bloody Mary reference)

IT’S LIKE A KETCHUP BOTTLE EXPLODED IN MY PANTIES!!!

IT’S LIKE I’M BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!!

Please feel free to tell me one of yours. It just doesn’t work well to have a 13-year-old-boy sense of humor and then have something so mature happen to me. I feel like I’m not grown-up enough to handle this. Because it’s been a long time. Seriously. I had a 3-day period in January, besides that, I haven’t had one for years. Years!!! Thanks to progesterone-only pills and depo (DO NOT TAKE DEPO, if you’re on it right now GET OFF, it’s SOOOO bad). Anyway, it’s sort of like I’m going through puberty all over again. I even have zits. Plenty and plenty of zits. I don’t know how many of you remember me in junior high–but damn–it’s not quite that bad, but it’s getting there.

One day balance will come.

I just have to let all the weird hormones release from my system.

Taking the month off was really good for me. I remember reading this article about women who take birth control being attracted to a different kind of man then when not on birth control (because of hormone changes). And how many times these couples end up getting married, then the woman gets off the birth control and discovers she’s not so into the guy like originally thought. Yikes. That would be awful. I’m just curious the type of guy I’m going to start being attracted to now that the hormones are closer to being out of my system. Will it be a John Wayne type or will it a James Franco type (like it has always been). Either way I’d like the person to be rich.

Perhaps June will be full of me going to expensive bars trying to find a sugar daddy.

No, no, no. I still have too much writing to do.





Trying to Catch Myself Before I Fall.

26 04 2012

Hey kids! I know it’s been awhile. the truth is I got distracted by a boy. A very beautiful charming boy…okay, a man really, who is now far far away again and I’m sad.

I can’t quite tell you what it was that made me fall (not even sure if it’s a true fall). I’d like to blame it on the distance as I seem to have a problem with liking unreachable impossible relationships. We don’t need a psychologist here to figure out why this is true.

Why is he so cute? Why is he so funny? Why is he so smart? Make it stop!!! Ugh.

I’m mostly irritated at myself for allowing this to happen. I should have known better.

So the plan is to give it time and see if it prospers or withers up and dies. I feel the door is slightly ajar and I am at the point where I can’t decide if I’d prefer to open it all the way or slam it shut again.

Oh, complications.

I will say that I spend too much time contemplating and planning my social relationships and I need to take a step back and focus on myself. It’s annoying because I’ve known this for months and yet I can’t get myself to do it. Changing habits and actually taking time for inner reflection are both frightening yet necessary.

Also, on an entirely different subject. I’ve been contemplating getting a tattoo. Mom, don’t freak out–I know you said you’d cut me off and disown me etc. etc. but I am 27 now and it wouldn’t be tasteless. The likelihood that it will happen is at about 31% and it wouldn’t be for like a year because I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I’d want it to look like. I know that I’d want it to be a fawn. You know, like my middle name. Pretty simple, maybe it’s corny, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to put on my body permanently.

This is not a fawn, I hope you all knew that. But I like the silhouette style, maybe.

I also like this.

Or I could get a whole sleeve with a fawn in the wilderness and stuff?

Thoughts? Opinions? Suggestions?

Back to falling:

If nothing magical and life-changing comes out of it I at least now know about this band and have become rather obsessed with this song.

*sighing over my coffee wearing my white tank top scratching my white trash butt*





Single Them Out and Find Me a Blind Date Love Connection.

21 03 2012

Was there ever a dating show where other people selected dates for the contestant? I mean, the classic Love Connection voted on the 3 but had no real say. Singled Out at least narrowed it down a bit. Blind Date…sssooo gggooooddd. Pretty sure a girl from my high school was on that once. It was set in California so almost everyone was a “struggling actress” of some kind. I am not an actress; I am struggling though, so there’s that.

I want someone to log into my OKC account and pick me a winner. I am serious.

If done right this would be an amazing dating show. Best friend’s Choice.

Oh, I remember now there was a show on MTV awhile ago where a parent went on the date with the couple. That was awkward. I’d let my mom pick out a guy (which she has and that didn’t go over well–not her fault, the guy was just crazy) but I would never go out with a person AND my mom at the same time. Now, if she wanted to go on the first date for me and I wouldn’t even have to be there, I’d totally let her do that. I’d let anyone go on the first date for me. I find those introductory conversations mundane. I don’t care to talk about myself. And they’re usually very surface. Which is why other people could take over for me and it wouldn’t even matter. The person would probably even want to go on a second date if I wasn’t actually on the first one. ha.

Don’t worry people, this is not taking over my life again, though it’s really difficult for me not to write back snarky comments, particularly when they say things like, “hey wanna watch me skype;” why the fuck would I want to do that?

I finally found my book in my word docs and I’m going to re-read it and start fixing it THIS VERY DAY. It’s time. It’s calling for me.

But yeah, anyway, back to my point, who better to pick a good date than a good friend. They probably know better anyway. I currently have four options, so if any of you reading this right now want to help make my selection for the week, let me know!

(some entertainment for you. . .I wish she had a fetish for cowboy boots that would have made the date so much better)





Secret. Sex. Life.

2 02 2012

This is my new favorite old song:

I re-discovered it while playing M.I.A. radio on pandora. I highly suggest that radio station; it caused me to have a solo sock-hop in my living room for like 3 hours. This very scene is exactly why I need my own reality tv show. It was performance art at its finest. Also, my dating life is totally worth paying a camera-person to follow me around. I could get extra dramatic if need be. Producers?!? Producers!!!! It’s not that I’m a complete narcissist (only partial) it’s just that some of these experiences are way better than fiction. I guess i’ll write a book about it if no one wants to bother filming it.

What is up world? 

Last night at the bar I got to hang out with some amazing women and we talked about all sorts of woman-y things like birth control and periods and relationships. I’ve been thinking about all of those topics quite a bit lately. Mainly, of course, I’ve been working at being single again… I actually haven’t been single single since high school, really. I’ve been a serial monogamist  who eventually toyed with polyamory for a moment, but I have not been single in forever. And I’ve been thinking about what feels the weirdest; what I’ve realized is that I feel like I’m living some secret single life. As if, my life is now a secret and no one has any idea what I’m up to. And this is rather exciting but also very strange. Before there was always someone who knew what I did with my day. Now I can do pretty much whatever I want–I may tell a friend or my mom but most likely no one knows. Just writing about it makes my heart go “weeeeeeee!” with joy. People get snippets of me, and I of them. This is good for re-confirguring who I want to be in this world.

And being off birth control hasn’t felt that different for me so far. The biggest thing is that I want to have sex again. Ha! Yeah, got to love birth control pills that just prevent you from wanting to do it in the first place. I am now a woman on the prowl. But, you wouldn’t know because my single life is a secret.

Unless of course, I get a reality tv show (hint, hint).





5 Random Thoughts: More Dates, Denver v. Boulder and Learning New Languages.

1 02 2012

1)

I really can’t be that wonderful on a date. I wonder if all these guys I’ve gone on dates with recently are really as out of the dating-loop as I am and just don’t notice how bad I am at it. I always end up talking about things they always say not to talk about, politics, exes, religion. And I stare at them with an intense stare, like, “why are you telling me that story right now.” Also, I think the dates take dating much more seriously than me. Like they’re nervous about it. I feel I should be more upfront, within the first 10 minutes perhaps, about what I’m looking for–so they know they shouldn’t be nervous because I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want to have fun. Meet new people. Not take life so seriously. I mean, it does say that on my profile, but many of them just look at the pics (I mean, they’re good pics so I understand.) Also. I told my roommate yesterday, like I tell her pretty much every time before I go meet someone new, that I”m done after this one. But, for the month of February, since it’s my birthday month and all, I’m going to attempt to focus more of that time on me. And not date any one new. (This does not mean I can’t go out with people I’ve already gone out with.)

2)

I’m back to learning Spanish again. It so much sexier than English. I love rolling my rrrrrrr’s. I think I’m better at pronouncing words I’ve never heard before as opposed to words that are similar to English. I’m guessing this is common since reverting to what one knows seems easier than trying to re-prounce an old word in a new way. I want to reward myself in some way, with a trip to South America or Spain or Mexico if I learn it well enough, but that’s still so far in the future I can’t even fathom. Plus, not having a job puts a damper on traveling, though having a job also puts a damper on traveling. Perhaps I should just do it now while I’m unemployed and pay it back later? I’ve met several people recently who have done this very thing and though they raked up plenty of debt at the time, they have already paid it all back. Anyone else unemployed want to jump on the travel wagon with me? I’m thinking Brazil. Or Chili. Or some European back-packing adventure. (Seriously, message me if you’re interested.) 

3)

What I like most about Denver compared to Boulder is that the people here are much more balanced. For example, the other day I saw a woman walking down the street carrying a yoga mat AND a pie. That’s right, she knows what’s up. Exercise but enjoy some pastries too!

4)

Speaking of the Big B, I’m actually going to be there tomorrow AND Friday. And though it is Boulder, I’m actually kind of excited about it. Thursday, it’s gin & gender day. A friend and I are going to tour the gin distillery and drink martinis then go to a radical deconstruction discussion about gender and sex roles, wohoo!  Friday Dr. Dog with another friend, I won tickets so that makes it extra special (and much cheaper). Maybe I’ll even go on a hike (and then follow said hike with beer drinking, because balance is what it’s all about–I learned that after moving out of Boulder to Denver–perhaps I can teach the locals something.)

5)

I’ve been watching Sister Wives. I’d totally be down for that if I could have lovers on the side. But. That’s not how it works. Also–there are way too many children running around. Gross. I don’t know. I mean it obviously points out that in other types of relationship dynamics  there still exists struggles, issues, pain, heart-break, but also love, caring, commitment, loyalty. I personally think that polygamy is too closely tied with the patriarchy and I’m not interested in either of those things, but if other people are into it, then they should be able to multiply their love–not divide it.





5 Random Thoughts: Female Sexuality, Periods, Crip Theory (and more).

24 01 2012

1) In many of my writing classes they talk about how when you write a paragraph in and then later decide to take it out somehow those ideas are still left in readers subconscious, like the aura of the idea. Lately when writing emails to people I don’t like, I’ve been signing off “fuck off and die” then going back and erasing it. I’m wondering if the aura of “fuck off and die” is resonating with the reader. I sure hope so.

2) I have a theory that Serena van der Woodson (Blake Lively), the main character in the magnetic Gossip Girl television series, is portraying the symbol of female sexuality. In every episode the other characters try to suppress her, and tell her how slutty and bad she is for liking men. Her mother even locks her in a mental institution without even giving her a chance to speak for herself. If it was still in grad school I’d totally write a paper about this.

3) I realized while going on a few OK Cupid dates (yes they some times actually happen) that I have a problem with wanting guys to be exactly how I want them to be–more like me, ha. That’s a little vague but let me elaborate. One particular guy that I like has no real forks, spoons, or glasses instead it’s all “disposable” plastic. This drives my environmentally-friendly mind insane. I want to go to goodwill and buy him some kitchenware. But I have to take a step back; I’m not his girlfriend, his mother, his maid. I’m not there to domesticate him, I’m there to just hang out and have fun. This is really hard for me. I want to step in and “fix” it. But I have to learn to let people be who they are and maybe with a little soft persuasion over time, he’ll realize the error in his ways without me being Ms. Fix-Him-Uper.

4)  I went to this art lecture the other night at Illiterate Gallery here in Denver. Six artists talked on a range of topics from typography to hidden mothers in old photographs. They brought up many interesting ideas. One speaker discussed crip theory, which is a way of examining disability through a queer lens. I was a little confused about the “super-able body,” the difference between crip theory and cyborg theory and if they were connected or totally different ideas. Is the “super-able body,” supposed to be a representative of queer—a person who symbolically breaks the binary construction of what it is to be human? Sort of like how the cyborg is intertwined with both the natural and technological world creating an intersectionality between the two that can’t be broken, thus working to to deconstruct as well as re-construct what it means to be human.  Either way I plan to learn more (if you have any suggested reading please comment!).

Love her (part of Krip-Hop Nation):

5) That song’s catchy. Makes me want to go read Cunt again. There’s this section in Cunt about cycling with the moon. Now that I’m off birth control I’m going to attempt to become a moon goddess. Maybe I’ll even get super hippy and paint abstracts with my menstrual blood. Probably not. Last night I was watching 30 Rock and Liz Lemon said she liked to keep her tampons in the refrigerator. I’m totally going to try that this month because it’s so freaking ridiculous. Though, when I run out of this box I’m going to buy one of those divacup things– me being environmentally-friendly and all. (I’ll let you know how it works out for me.)