7 Randoms: Holiday Ho-Down.

24 12 2012

1.) Maybe I’m wrong, but it’s not technically Christmas Eve until the evening, right?

2.) If you are planning to go to any mega liquor stores today, I’d suggest taking a shot or two or three before going and then walking there. Particularly if you’re in Denver and you’re going to a highly populated one located on Colfax. People are cray cray and super special there today.

3.) I don’t know about anyone else, but I am not very good at the whole present-thing. I think it has to do with being better at the spontaneity of getting something for someone because it reminds me of them, not because I’m supposed to–or at least highly encouraged by our capitalist society to represent my care for people close to me by giving them a tangible object of sorts.

4.) Facebook has given me the opportunity to barely recognize people who used to be very recognizable. Mainly what I’m saying is that I spied on a couple of people who I used to date and they’ve really changed in size and shape. Like, they’re now stuffed-puffy-humans of their former selves. I mean, they have really not taken care of themselves physically at all and it always makes me question if I date people while they’re in their prime– and then when their prime is over I let them go. And if that’s so, have I not reached my own prime? And when it is my prime will I find just the right person who is also in his prime and will we be like this mega-power couple that will change the world for the better? I hope so.

5.) It brings up the topic of weight. I am all for people accepting their bodies in whatever shape or size they find comfortable for them, but I also believe in health, which means being active. People don’t need to run five miles every day to be impressive humans, but to stay alive longer I’d suggest dancing every day–or something that fuels the body and the soul.

6.) But what do I know, people can do whatever they want. Not my problem.

7.) “Not my problem” is a terrific motto for the workplace. Retail work specifically. Also, I think it’s about time that Denver sends me a thank-you card. I’m giving so many of you the proper tools to get off–over and over again– and what do I get in return? 8 dollars an hour. At least a few smiles when I run into you at the over-crowded liquor store would be nice. You’re all welcome by the way.

Funny-letter-to-Santa

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Love is Down to Zero.

14 06 2012

If I thought May was Manless it has nothing on June.

My fwb found girlfriends (yes that’s plural). My lust turned to dust–after a long-weekend road trip. Random unclear communication via facebook messenger ended a fizzling flame. And a certain person that I may or may not work with appears to be incredibly flakey and I’m pretty sure a secret pick-up artist. When I said, “I’m reading The Game,” he quickly expressed that he had “never heard of it.” Which makes me think he had not only heard of it, but read it and practices it. Because most people would just be like–The Game? What’s that about. If they had indeed never heard of it. But, maybe I’m just paranoid now. (More on The Game another day.)

So yeah, I purposely gave up men in May, but now they all seem to giving up on me. I have been considering re-inabling my online dating account because I feel alone and it’s easy to get attention that way.

I have no qualms admitting that I enjoy attention from other people; I do in fact need it, at least a little bit of it so as I justify my existence to myself–I know that’s not healthy but at least it’s honest.

My roommate said I have no idea how to be alone. Or something equal to that.

Yeah.

Fine.

That’s what I was trying to do in May. To learn how to be alone. And to be fine with it.

And I was fine with it. But I guess, I wasn’t really “alone” as I was still talking to guys all the time, I just wasn’t going out with them.

Now I’m doing neither.

AND I’M OKAY I SWEAR IT.

I’m just bored. I want people to talk to in a meaningful way. I want someone to watch netflix with. I want someone to occasionally sleep in my bed (I say occasionally because I still prefer to sleep at a diagonal and I am not willing to give that up.) I want someone to challenge me, to push me to be my best self–and I to them. I want someone to rub my feet after I’ve been standing on concrete for eight + hours a day. I want to someone to laugh at my really bad jokes, and occasionally dish one out too.

This list could end up being a novel so I’m going to stop there.

. . . . .

Fine people. Fine. I’ll be alone.

I’ll start working on my book for real.

Forget what I want in my personal life. I don’t need one of those any way. . . I mean, yes I want one, but I guess I just have to accept the fact that I don’t have the personality for it and become a hermit writer, just like I am destined to be but somehow keep avoiding.





Jealousy is Just Love and Hate at the Same Time.

14 05 2012

It’s Monday. That means I’m exactly HALF WAY through Manless May. So, it’s time for another update. Is there a reason why guys seem to like me more this month? Is it because they know deep down that I will never allow it to happen? Thus a part of them wants to be the one to “break” me, while another part of them secretly doesn’t want anything to really happen either.

I was really hoping my period would start some time. But, since there is nothing medically wrong–according to all the tests I’ve had done–I guess I should just embrace it and be happy that I don’t have to deal with it for a little longer. I know people have a hard time accepting menstruation as a beautiful thing but I actually like the cyclical effects of it. I like how one’s body literally discards negative energy. A mini-death every month. It’s good for us.

I’ve realized that the further away a guy is the more crushable he becomes and I finally figured out why– because it’s safe. I don’t have to worry about changing my schedule, adjusting to another persons’s habits, or worst of all-falling in love, because they are all conveniently out of reach. I can flirt from a far in a fun, non-commital type of way. I can’t decide if this is healthy or harmful. I’m going to go with healthy. Because it’s a way for me to ease back into the concept of being in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. I can test my own boundaries and discover not only what I need, but what I want from other people.

The theory is that it takes half the amount of time out of a relationship to be completely (or almost entirely) healed from that relationship ending. I tend to move a lot faster than most people, so I’m guess instead of two and half ish years it’s going to take me one and half, which means, I am nearly half way there. To be perfectly honest, it was more a bruise to the ego than an actual heartbreak. And I feel it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to jump back into something just to be “in something.” Seems like many people are afraid of loneliness. But just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you’re not alone. Or the opposite. How does that really bad song go– “doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.” Either way. Being fulfilled by one’s self is the only way to be healthy, both in and out of relationships, which is why I’m focusing on me this month and not men.

Though, it seems like I’m still focusing a lot on men, which is frustrating. For example, this guy at work professes his love for me every day. I find this ridiculous. He’ll be talking about dates he has planned and he’ll say something like, “I’ll cancel all my dates this week, just to take you out once.” Silly things like that. It’s like, I know you can’t possibly be in love with me because you know nothing about me. All you know is that we work together and I have awesome dance moves to 90’s pop songs. That’s it. And then what? We go on a date and it’s like that episode where Lisa FINALLY goes out with Screech and Screech ends up not liking Lisa anymore and that whole running gag ends. Work would become awkward. Either way. If we ended up hitting it off or we didn’t. So, why even bother? Also, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not “me” he “loves” but what I represent. The allure of being with someone at work, when there are strict regulations against that type of behavior. We’re not even supposed to be friends with each outside of work, let alone date. And I don’t want to get fired. I actually like my job. Even though the pay is shit and sometimes really REALLY skanky methed-out people with attitude problems come in (but that’s everywhere right?).

Wasting my time on guys when I should be reading. Or writing. Or learning arithmetic (since I still suck at it). I obviously still have some self-esteem issues to work through. Though I understand that I often weigh my worth on whether or not other people like me, I still cannot stop myself from doing it. It’s sort of like having psychic powers where one can foretell the future but can do nothing to change it. I’m sure there is something I could do, but it probably costs a lot of money and psychiatric care. Or prozac. See, I understand theoretically that my worth is not based on other people’s opinions of me, but it would be a lie to say that I don’t, in reality, consider their opinions more than I should.

Anyway. I could go on and on, but I’m having a writing party today! Finally after like 2 years (holy cow!) someone new is going to start critiquing my work (and vice versa), so excited! For sure getting it together, slowly, but surely.