10 Randoms: I Will Dildoddle Your Caboddle.

26 10 2012

1.) Things are breaking all around me. More importantly I am breaking things all around me. Mostly little things but some of those things are going to be quite a pain in the ass to replace, like the mega-lid that covered my mega-pan that I use to cook with all the time. Bummerville. I’m wondering if all this breaking is a sign that I need to re-focus, slow down, pay more attention to my surroundings, quit being such an anxiety-ridden quack. It’s hard to tell at this point, it could just be the alignment of the moon (I really need to quit blaming the alignment of the moon for things.)

2.) I bought my winter boyfriend yesterday. I’ve been eyeing him for months. He’s called Tiger  from the company Fun Factory.  Medical grade silicone. Rechargeable. 2 year-warranty. I think he’ll be my longest latest least stressful relationship. I should probably name him something other than Tiger. I’ll wait until we have a date or two before I decide on a proper one.

3. Speaking of toys. Since I have +10 now I’ve decided I need to invent a caboodle for toys, but of course I want to call it a dildoodle. Isn’t that kind of brilliant. DON’T STEAL MY IDEA OR I’LL MURDER YOU (you can guess how I’d do it too I’m sure.) So, it will be like a trunk or a chest, but it will have compartments in that are lined with material that doesn’t cause those little fabric stickys and is also waterproof. And duh, it will have a removable top shelf and the bottom will be vast so a person could put all their larger items (double dongs, whips, squirtsheets, etc.) in it. I should probably talk to the Liberator company about this. I really should not have made this idea public.

4.) I got a new haircut. The platinum is gone. Goodbye summer, hello winter. I think my roommate is the best stylist I’ve ever had. I’d recommend her to everyone, but she’s very selective and will only cut the coolest people’s hair.

5.) That song, “I will do anything for love,” is playing at the bookstore I’m at. I’ve never really understood this song. Because it’s so vague. WHAT WON’T HE DO?!! It’s so confusing. How could he say he’d do anything and then take it back? It’s like Rose from Titanic saying she will never let go and then she basically pushes Jack into the ocean to die.

6.) All of my Halloween plans have now fallen through. It sort of depresses me. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, but this year it’s been rather blah. I hope it changes. I have a panda to dress up as (And Mia Wallace and Jane from Daria and maybe a Juggalette and who knows what else!)

7.) Why would any woman want to be a Juggalette? In real life. During dress-up time I can understand. But I cannot understand it in reality.

8.) Sometimes when I’m not at work but I’m close to a door and I see someone youngish walk in I wonder, “why is no one id-ing them!” then I realize that most places are not 18+ older. It’s awkward because I always look at them funny.

9.) I’m meeting another vegan in like 20 minutes. Let’s hope it’s not like the last vegan I met who was hung-over and insisted on talking about sports almost the entire time even though I specifically said at the beginning of our conversation that I hated sports and didn’t want to talk about them. The only good thing I found in that is the fact that the vegan community is now becoming quite diverse. It used to be when someone said they were vegan and you were vegan you’d have more in common than just that—now that’s not necessarily true.

10.) Sometimes bookstores can be overwhelming because I realize how many other people write books, how many books I have not read and how many books of mine are not on the shelf. But, one day, one day there will be at least one of mine in here. At least one.

Let the Count Down Begin.

20 05 2012

Manless May Power Round.

A few things I’ve realized.

1. I’m still talking to guys too much. I’m stopping this. For the last 12 days I will initiate no conversation. If a dude talks to me, I won’t be rude, but there will be no assertiveness in keeping communication going on my part.

2. I have less friends in Denver than I thought. I was dating so much since moving here I didn’t realize how many people I don’t have to just hang out with. I felt much busier because dates filled up so many of my days. How silly of me. I think it’s going to take even more time for me to get into a good habit, but I’d like to channel all of that free (non-dating) time into writing more.

3. I could be writing more.

4. Much more.

5. My new boyfriend is David Foster Wallace (never mind that he’s dead).

6. Soon, this guy I work with and I are going to have a “phone number” contest, in which we go out and compete to see who can get the most (legitimate) numbers. Most likely he will win because he’s been reading The Game and we’re going to a Goth Bar, of which, I will not fit in. Does anyone else think it’s fucked up that there are “pick-up artists” out in the world that use specific techniques to lure women into falling for them? I’m going to read this book and figure out exactly what they’re doing so I can be on the look-out. I’ve read several of these types of books already for a paper I wrote back in grad school, and yet, they keep coming out. Maybe I should write a counter-book. Like, How To Avoid Pick-Up Artists, Bug-a-Boos and Assholes.

7. I’m spending too much time at work. I am up at 6 in the morning to go learn more about dildos. Seriously. Good thing I took May off, I don’t have time for anything else.

5 Random Thoughts: You Probably Don’t Want to Be Around Me This Week.

16 03 2012

1. I Smell

While working for elephant journal a fellow intern made the bold statement of saying that if you go deodorant–free for two weeks your body will re-adjust and it will no longer stink. As many of you know I recently decided to let my armpit hair grow just for the fun of it. It’s been like a month of me not wearing deodorant and kids, I still reek. Okay, I mean I don’t smell bad all of the time, but spring is approaching, it’s getting hotter, I have to wear the same shirt every day to work, I think it’s time to fix something here. I even asked my roommate if I smell and she said, “no comment,” which I took as a yes. I remember my smelly friend. I don’t want to be the smelly friend. But then again there is something appealing about repelling people. Like, “don’t come any closer or I’ll lift up my armpit fool!” And then they get this super scared look on their faces and back slowly away. It could be my super-heroine power.

2. I Hate You

No. I don’t. But the past couple of weeks I have attempted to give up coffee drinking. I gave up coffee because I was getting headaches every afternoon due to the crash. And I didn’t want to rely on a substance any longer. The first week went fine, but this week I was like dead. And I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I haven’t figured out if it was because of the coffee or other things. I miss the ritual of it more than I miss the coffee itself. Like, waking up, making it, and sipping it while I write. I never wake up and think, “oh I can’t wait to drink a nice cup of tea.” I mean, fuck tea. No offense tea lovers. I drink tea, but I don’t CRAVE tea. Sometimes it’s just nice to want something and then to be able to get it.

3. Ding Dong Dildo

Hello and welcome to get your rocks off central, my name is Krystal how may I help you find pleasure today? This is my first week selling romance to people. Right now I’m only learning about romance, which turns out to just be different ways to fuck yourself. If only I had known that years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. Really though you could spend years having different relationships with just the products in this store with no need for human interaction. The craziest thing I’ve learned so far. . . where I work was once Denver but they turned it into a different “town,” Glendale, so they could have a legal sex area in the city. That’s why there are several sex stores and strip clubs and dancing sites right in one area.

4. One is the Loneliest Number

How does that terrible song go, “just because i’m alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely” or something like that. . . anyway I have been alone quite often lately, no dates, and no hanging out with friends either. I know I probably need this time and I need to do this but it can be a struggle. I think my biggest problem isn’t that I’m not around other people but that I am slightly depressed that I was sold a rotten dream. And though it’s not “nightmare-ish” per say it’s still fucked up. I’m talking about the dream we’re sold from a young age: get good grades, pay attention, be kind to others, over-acheive, over-acheive and you will be successful. And instead of success I am like 80K in debt and working retail. I could have just worked freaking retail right out of school and stayed ignorant and blissful. It’s related to feeling alone because I think I’m sort of hiding. There’s a part of me that feels ashamed and embarrassed that it has come to this. I mean, at least it’s a job! But still, I should be doing more with what I have to offer.

5. Hunger

The weirdest part of this entire week is that I have not been hungry. I always want to eat; I am always thinking about food and what I can make next, and this week there has been no desire for food. I have had to force myself to eat and I still could barely finish. Something is probably really wrong… if I am not sleeping well and I don’t want to eat, two things that I am a professional at, I should probably go see a doctor. But I’ll blame it on the coffee and the new job (unless it keeps going). I realized though, that not being hungry/not wanting to eat frees up a lot of extra time for thinking and for doing other things, though I was too confused by it all to make any good use of it. Maybe next week if it’s still like this. Maybe it’s just my body trying to “get fit” for the sunny weather. . .