Can We Change Who We’re Attracted to?

22 06 2012

Are we all doomed to follow or fall into the same relationship patterns? And should I say “doomed” if it’s just bound to happen anyway? It’s not a very positive word to describe relationships—but maybe it’s accurate.

For example, I have been in several relationships where I have been the one telling the other what to do. Not that I necessarily want to tell the other person what to do, but because that person WANTS me to. The interactions do not function as well unless I am the one being assertive and/or making decisions.

I don’t know if I like this. Or if I’m just good at it. And just because I’m good at it doesn’t mean it’s how I want to live the rest of my life.

Is there any way to help build up a passive person’s assertiveness? This seems like an attempt to change someone, which will always fail.

Perhaps many people are just insecure when meeting/starting new relationships (friendships/more than friendships/friends with benefits,whatever types). Maybe most people are just really insecure.

Or the people I’m meeting anyway.

Or it’s just an act.

It’s hard to tell authenticity anymore.

My problem is that theoretically I want to be around people who can make their own decisions, who have opinions, who have passions of their own. I want someone to exert effort—not just for them but for me too. This is what I want. But this does not seem to be who I attract or am attracted to.

Is it just me falling into old patterns? Is it something that I can’t change? I tried dating against-type a few times and I never like them. For one thing, I don’t like people telling me what to do. So, it difficult to be around people who do that, not that they all tried that, just nothing ever clicked.

Maybe what I want is the impossible—basically—balance. A give and take, not a give give give or a take take take, whatever. Equality. Shared enthusiasms, decisions, discussions.

Perhaps in time, with lots of practice and failed attempts I can change this whole attraction / pattern issue. But for now, bring on the cheap passive insecure guys with attitude problems, yay!