Put Your Keys Where I Can See Them: A Bar Tale.

5 09 2013

So, I was at the bar the other night and this random nerd came over and sat down beside me. He asked if it was okay and I said only if he could tell me a joke or a good story, he claimed he didn’t have any, only conversation. This song came on and he says, “have you ever heard of this band called Nirvana?”

Never. Ever. In my entire life.

“What are you into?” I asked.

“Batman,” he said. “I’m really into Batman.”


A few minutes later his friend joins him and buys him a shot. A shot that he didn’t want to begin with because he was already rather drunk. He took it and made that face. You all know what face I’m talking about, the “omg I’m going to puke face.” He rushes off to the bathroom obviously upchucks and comes back five minutes later. His friend asks him if he’s going to be able to get home okay. And this is where things get complicated.

The drunkpukenerd tells his friend that he’s fine, he’ll drive home. I overhear him say this and I respond, “oh no you won’t.”

We get into this huge argument.

He says:

“I’m not going to let some stranger tell me what to do, bitch. (hiccup) How are you going to stop me, you don’t know what I drive.” Etc.

I tell him that I will just follow him out when he leaves and when he gets behind the wheel I’ll call the police and give them his license plate number.

I was livid at this point, less so that he called me a bitch (even though that didn’t irritate me) and more so that he thought he was above the law, above morality, above ethics, that he was some sort of superman who could get behind a wheel, completely intoxicated, barely able to even say coherent sentences, and drive home in that state.

But who am I to interject? I mean, in a way there was very little I could do to stop him. When the bar closed and everyone left, I found them outside. I gave them the look, you know that look, the one that says, “if you even think about doing what you said you’re going to do I will destroy you,” look.

drunk guy

The friend said:

“Don’t worry, we’re walking home.”

I don’t know if they did or not.

I wasn’t their fucking babysitter. I was just a stranger who got tangled up in their drunken nerd mess.

Considering how many people die from drunk driving/drivers year after year, I do not understand why anyone even thinks it’s an option anymore. If one is not going to be responsible when imbibing than that person shouldn’t fucking drink, it’s that simple. We live in Denver, there are bars on like every block; drink somewhere that’s walkable from your house.  Or suck it up and pay for the cab. Is it really worth potentially ending a life to take that risk?

Makes me not want to leave my apartment weekend nights.