9 Randoms: Where the Skin Meets the Paddle.

20 09 2012

1. Sometimes I feel like I need to be the center of attention and sometimes I feel like I need to be left completely alone; it becomes a problem when I can’t figure out which one it is I need at the time.

2. I’ve been single for basically a year now. Let’s do a quick recap—moved out of one Boulder apartment into a Boulder house with my now ex boss who kicked me out two months later because she fell in love with someone from ok cupid after a week of dating; a guy who would later ask me on that same dating site to pay me $500 to play with my feet. With the loss of housing I also lost my job. I moved to Denver, where I started working at a sex toy store and somewhere, either before or after that became somewhat of a slut (I’ll spare you the number). And now, now, I’m still at the store but am definitely not being slutty enough; contemplating my next move (either literally or professionally or both).

3.) I went to my first BDSM dungeon the other night. I just observed everything, but let’s face it, it is about time someone starts beating me up.

4.) On that same subject-ish. I’ve realized I have a very hard time belonging to “a community,” be it movements I actually believe in, feminism, veganism, etc. or things I want to do with my life like writing, music etc. I can do my part to get along with everyone in the group–to fit in–so to speak, but I never feel like I should be there. Or I never feel like it matters if I am there or not. I’m an outsider “just observing.” I’ve come to the conclusion that it is because I am a writer. I never take anything in too deep because deep down I am trained to critically analyze everything, to understand all sides, to watch and pay attention to the details only to note them so everyone else can understand it (whatever “it” is) better.

5.) I have moments where it takes me a good length of time to figure out what day it is.

6.) I woke up this morning remembered where my life is headed and decided it’s probably time for me to seriously start seeing a professional. People have been telling me for years to do it, but I’ve been way too stubborn, thinking it would ruin my writing and make me one of those happy chipper people I can’t stand being around.

7.) Today I begin writing episode 2 of the television series I am developing. It’s prime-time for this, though considering it is “graphic” and “phallic” in nature it probably could never be on prime time.

8.) I sell vibrators wherever I go; I mean I go to bars and convince people to come into the store and buy one. I am the worst pimp ever. Buy this great expensive toy and NEVER come back. Yay one percent commission!

9.) Where do the days go?

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5 Randoms: Settle While I Stir.

3 09 2012

1.) Is Labor Day Weekend a popular engagement time? Why are all my facebook friends suddenly engaged? Be careful friends, be careful.

2.) While everyone else is settling I’m restlessly whore-ing it up and I can honestly say I prefer it this way. We’re all TOO YOUNG. As my favorite bartender says, “We only live once,” this is also the same bar that has a chalkboard that reads 2012: The Year of Bad Decisions, so those are two things to live by, particularly while drinking.

3.) Speaking of bars and slutness. I ran into 3 guys I used to see at the same bar last night and what could have been incredibly awkward was actually just hilarious. At least to me.

4.) I really need to make plans for the fall. I’m thinking a kickboxing class and tv show writing and less bad decision making–or more, as long as I do the other two things first.

5.) Tarot card reading for the day: Seven of Coins and Nine of Wands (for the 500th time); I have good ideas that I just need to be more persistent with, shock shock.





Sex: What I am and am not looking for.

28 08 2012

It was just this morning when I realized that even though I get paid poorly (see what I did there) since starting work at the sex store in March I have, in some way, shape, or form gotten hundreds of people off. So, I am making the world a much more pleasurable pleasant place. AND I don’t even have to touch anyone to do it—just point them in the right direction. How grand!

It’s weird being single there.

I can’t decide if it’s an advantage—because I can sell more sex toys—or a disadvantage—because a big chunk (with the biggest chunkiest wallets) are couples.

But it doesn’t really matter because my plan is to stay “mostly single” for a long time.

By “mostly single” I mean that I am currently looking specifically for one friend-with-benefits for the fall.

Cool weather is on the way and I need a convenient reliable person specifically for sex and Netflix watching and nothing else really. I have work and working out and writing to do. I can’t be distracted by a full-blown relationship.  And I’m not going to want to go to the bars all the time—it is expensive and is becoming kind of boring. Also, I’m probably going to move out of Denver in the winter. So . . . what I don’t understand is why this friends w/ benefits thing is hard for others to accept and or really desire.

Like, theoretically people seem fine with it, but once one actually wants to do the FWB thing the other one seems to freak out somehow. I don’t know if it’s because people deep down want an “all or nothing” sort of thing or what. Perhaps all people secretly want other people to love them completely even if they are not capable of giving that kind of love.

Really I am about to give up on the whole concept all together. It’s technically designed to fail, and that’s sort of the beauty in it. For it to fail successfully both people must accept the fact that it’s going to end—whether by mutual agreement (the best kind), one or the other falling deep for someone else (the second best kind), or one or the other falling too deep for the other (the worst kind). If both people are conscious of any of these things happening it can be a successful relationship.

Relationships do not have to be designed to last a lifetime. I don’t know why people are so stuck on this notion. I mean, okay, I guess I do know why since it’s engrained into our psyches from the earliest of ages (think Disney movies etc). But just like our concepts of sexual orientation—that started out in a very binary structure—gay/straight but has now developed into more and more concepts LGTBQQP etc. so too can our concepts of relationship structures. Like how I’m a pansexual ethical slut. Or at least try to be.

Pansexual does not mean I will fuck anything that moves. It means I am attracted to people regardless of their gender identity. Which means, I’m attracted to pretty people. And I’m not talking about just physical appearance (though that helps); I’m talking about who they are as people—their intelligence, their humor, their overall demeanor.

Ethical Slut means that I attempt to be completely open and honest in all relationship dynamics that I have by telling the person I am attracted to what I am looking for so they are not lead into a false situation and can then decide themselves whether or not they are looking for the same thing. I am trying to get better at this. Pure honesty is hard sometimes, but it always feels the best in the end.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that if by the fall I have yet to establish a consistent FWB I will probably give up until the spring and at least be reassured (because of my full-time job) that other people are having a good time—and sometimes that’s all one can get.





10 Randoms: Slut City Summer.

17 07 2012

1.) Our neighbors were gone for like 2 + weeks. They come back. And move out two days later. There goes our free internet and our porch chairs. Damn. Anyone looking for an apartment? It’s a cute one (with cute neighbors).

2.) I went to my first strip club the other night. Honestly, I thought I would hate it. I thought all the women would be Barbie-like with big fake boobs and tiny waists. But the opposite happened. The women were of many shapes and sizes, big boobs, little boobs, big butts, no butts, smiles, no smiles, Black, White, Asian; so many women making bank off of men. Good for them. Because until our entire system of oppressive capitalism changes. . . I say, shake what you got.  (If you’re doing it in an empowered conscientious way and not because you’re manipulated into it or feel like it’s your only choice.) Also, it made me feel more comfortable in my own skin. Seeing women of all shapes and sizes completely naked and embracing their sexuality was revealing–on multiple levels.

3.) Also, that very night I ended up at a random Reggae event. It was Black & White themed. Good thing I went or the “white” part of the theme probably wouldn’t have happened.

4.) I’ve been getting mega-creepers at work. Two in one week. And I’ve realized it’s incredibly difficult to tell other people how someone else is being creepy. Creepy is hard to describe because it’s not just what they say, but how they say it. It’s a look in their eye. It’s doing something awkward and taking too long of a time doing it. It’s lying and being terrible at it. Guess what creeps? Just because I sell sexy things doesn’t mean I want to have sexy time with you.

5.) Speaking of sex. I’ve decided to have more of it with more people. I am determined to become a Super Slut. Every. Single. Dick. In. Denver. (That’s every Single dick, as in, not-taken dick, not every single one of them.)

6.) 5 is not completely true.

7.) I’ve realized that for many many years I have been incredibly good at reading people; what they need, what they want, and then mirroring those needs and wants for them. This has come in handy in regards to my like-ability—as I have a rather abrasive personality or I can be abrasive if I’m not careful. But, that’s the thing. I am not going to be careful anymore. I’m going to stop mirroring and I’m going to start living for me. I’m going to go after what I want, what I need, and I’m going to stop caring if other people care. This has been a theoretical issue with me for years, in concept I don’t care, but in reality I totally do. No longer! Sure, perhaps I will turn into a narcissistic ego-maniac but it’s not like I’ll be the first. And if it doesn’t work out for me, I can always go back to who I was before, right?

8.) The biggest issue is figuring out what I want. Wading through what society has told me I should want and what I want deep down within. Hence the Super Slut. Being a “slut” is “bad”. . . but why? Why does monogamous heterosexual relationships have to be “the norm” and even if they are “the norm” why do they have to be “the only” acceptable relationship model. To me it appears to be another way of controlling women’s goddess-like sexual allure. By taming us sexually, you control us on all fronts (it’s a theory I’m still working through…perhaps too third-wave post-feminist but whatever). I don’t agree with the monogamy model. I find it boring. Sure it works well for people. I actually don’t know if it “works well” for most people, but it works okay for the general public. But the general public has no confidence and likes to follow guidelines instead of inventing their own.

9.) I’m going to invent my own guidelines. If you’d like to follow them, you’re more than welcome.

10.) I’m excited for the development of my new personality. Be on the look out people. It’s either going to be the. most. amazing. thing. ever. or the Crashiest Trashiest Courtney Love-esque down-fall you’ll ever witness.

(I feel like there is a bigger development here that I haven’t quite discovered yet, perhaps tomorrow it will all tie together).