Sex: What I am and am not looking for.

28 08 2012

It was just this morning when I realized that even though I get paid poorly (see what I did there) since starting work at the sex store in March I have, in some way, shape, or form gotten hundreds of people off. So, I am making the world a much more pleasurable pleasant place. AND I don’t even have to touch anyone to do it—just point them in the right direction. How grand!

It’s weird being single there.

I can’t decide if it’s an advantage—because I can sell more sex toys—or a disadvantage—because a big chunk (with the biggest chunkiest wallets) are couples.

But it doesn’t really matter because my plan is to stay “mostly single” for a long time.

By “mostly single” I mean that I am currently looking specifically for one friend-with-benefits for the fall.

Cool weather is on the way and I need a convenient reliable person specifically for sex and Netflix watching and nothing else really. I have work and working out and writing to do. I can’t be distracted by a full-blown relationship.  And I’m not going to want to go to the bars all the time—it is expensive and is becoming kind of boring. Also, I’m probably going to move out of Denver in the winter. So . . . what I don’t understand is why this friends w/ benefits thing is hard for others to accept and or really desire.

Like, theoretically people seem fine with it, but once one actually wants to do the FWB thing the other one seems to freak out somehow. I don’t know if it’s because people deep down want an “all or nothing” sort of thing or what. Perhaps all people secretly want other people to love them completely even if they are not capable of giving that kind of love.

Really I am about to give up on the whole concept all together. It’s technically designed to fail, and that’s sort of the beauty in it. For it to fail successfully both people must accept the fact that it’s going to end—whether by mutual agreement (the best kind), one or the other falling deep for someone else (the second best kind), or one or the other falling too deep for the other (the worst kind). If both people are conscious of any of these things happening it can be a successful relationship.

Relationships do not have to be designed to last a lifetime. I don’t know why people are so stuck on this notion. I mean, okay, I guess I do know why since it’s engrained into our psyches from the earliest of ages (think Disney movies etc). But just like our concepts of sexual orientation—that started out in a very binary structure—gay/straight but has now developed into more and more concepts LGTBQQP etc. so too can our concepts of relationship structures. Like how I’m a pansexual ethical slut. Or at least try to be.

Pansexual does not mean I will fuck anything that moves. It means I am attracted to people regardless of their gender identity. Which means, I’m attracted to pretty people. And I’m not talking about just physical appearance (though that helps); I’m talking about who they are as people—their intelligence, their humor, their overall demeanor.

Ethical Slut means that I attempt to be completely open and honest in all relationship dynamics that I have by telling the person I am attracted to what I am looking for so they are not lead into a false situation and can then decide themselves whether or not they are looking for the same thing. I am trying to get better at this. Pure honesty is hard sometimes, but it always feels the best in the end.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that if by the fall I have yet to establish a consistent FWB I will probably give up until the spring and at least be reassured (because of my full-time job) that other people are having a good time—and sometimes that’s all one can get.

10 Realizations.

22 08 2012

1. When the bartender comes up at the end of the night and tells me everything will be okay and hugs me, twice–proof that I spend way too much time drinking in public.

2. I should, at all times, have a bag of tater tots in the freezer, just in case of emergency.

3. I need to develop a proper evil villain cackle. I’m getting pretty close. Maleficent is still my idol and I do not understand why in the world they picked Angelina Jolie to play her in a movie. I mean maybe it would have worked ten years ago when she was still a badass, but now? No. No. No. I don’t really know who would have been better, originally I would have said Angelica Huston but she’s too old now. Maybe Mara Rooney?  Too young. Finnne, Angelina, it’s all you.

4. I don’t have feelings anymore. Like, I know how I’m supposed to respond and act, but inside–nothing. For example, I heard some interesting news last night that should have made me angry or sad but instead I was just like wtf, that’s dumb, let’s get drunk. And that’s what happened. I wonder when it’s all going to be realized. I wonder if I’ll ever cry?

5. I want chinese food every day, but every day I find a way not to order it. I think I’m afraid I’ll become addicted to it, then Peter and I will have to start seeing each other regularly and I don’t know if he’d be a good match for me. (Peter of Peter’s Chinese–also he’s probably married and such so that was just a really bad joke.)

6. I went to bed at like 3 a.m. last night then I woke up at 7:30 and went for a run. I think I did run the hangover part out, so all that was left was tired and I fixed that by going right back to sleep. This could possibly be my new hangover solution.

7. I need someone to hold me accountable on a number of things 1. My writing 2. Working out 3. Limiting my intoxication 4. cooking more 5. Finding a better job–feel free to take any or all of these holding-me-accountable options.

8. Confession: I watched the first season of Jersey Shore. And it wasn’t as dumb as I thought it was going to be. Maybe because I was expecting it to be much worse? I don’t know. I mean I understand their desire to have a good time, to meet people, to have crazydrunksex and punch things–perhaps I should move to the shore and become ONE OF THEM. Bahaha. That could never happen.

9. All I want relationship-wise right now is reliable sex and someone to watch netflix with. I don’t think this is too much to ask. If you know of anyone who may be interested in this setup send them my way!

10. I have the most amazing friends in the world. And I thank them for putting up with me and getting me through this year of 27 changes.


Love is Down to Zero.

14 06 2012

If I thought May was Manless it has nothing on June.

My fwb found girlfriends (yes that’s plural). My lust turned to dust–after a long-weekend road trip. Random unclear communication via facebook messenger ended a fizzling flame. And a certain person that I may or may not work with appears to be incredibly flakey and I’m pretty sure a secret pick-up artist. When I said, “I’m reading The Game,” he quickly expressed that he had “never heard of it.” Which makes me think he had not only heard of it, but read it and practices it. Because most people would just be like–The Game? What’s that about. If they had indeed never heard of it. But, maybe I’m just paranoid now. (More on The Game another day.)

So yeah, I purposely gave up men in May, but now they all seem to giving up on me. I have been considering re-inabling my online dating account because I feel alone and it’s easy to get attention that way.

I have no qualms admitting that I enjoy attention from other people; I do in fact need it, at least a little bit of it so as I justify my existence to myself–I know that’s not healthy but at least it’s honest.

My roommate said I have no idea how to be alone. Or something equal to that.



That’s what I was trying to do in May. To learn how to be alone. And to be fine with it.

And I was fine with it. But I guess, I wasn’t really “alone” as I was still talking to guys all the time, I just wasn’t going out with them.

Now I’m doing neither.


I’m just bored. I want people to talk to in a meaningful way. I want someone to watch netflix with. I want someone to occasionally sleep in my bed (I say occasionally because I still prefer to sleep at a diagonal and I am not willing to give that up.) I want someone to challenge me, to push me to be my best self–and I to them. I want someone to rub my feet after I’ve been standing on concrete for eight + hours a day. I want to someone to laugh at my really bad jokes, and occasionally dish one out too.

This list could end up being a novel so I’m going to stop there.

. . . . .

Fine people. Fine. I’ll be alone.

I’ll start working on my book for real.

Forget what I want in my personal life. I don’t need one of those any way. . . I mean, yes I want one, but I guess I just have to accept the fact that I don’t have the personality for it and become a hermit writer, just like I am destined to be but somehow keep avoiding.