Top 5 Sex, Sex, and No Sex: Tips, Tricks, and Troubles.

9 10 2012

I’ve had a bizarre week full of sex workshops, conferences, bar talk and strange dates. Here’s just a tidbit of all of that.

1.) More from Blow Him Away.

This book is full of exercises to strengthen the mouth, lips, and tongue. One of my favorites is to pretend I have peanut butter on my mouth and then lick it off. To add variety one can also try to take the peanut butter off with their lips. The book says to “pretend” to have peanut butter, but since I am constantly eating peanut butter any way, I do it for real! Watch out boys. Muahaha.

2.) Penis Push-Ups.

Women can exercise their pc (pubococcygeus) muscles by just contracting and releasing them or by using kegel balls, but I recently learned how men can also exercise theirs. This is a Porn Star Trick: all they need to do is take a dry washcloth, put it on top of their penis and try to lift the washcloth up and down. Once they’ve accomplished this trick, they can wet the washcloth for additional weight. Then they can move up to a hand towel. Having strong pc muscles makes for stronger longer better orgasms and it helps with urinary and fecal incontinence. Yay being healthy!

3.) Squirt—Not Just a Delicious Soda.

I was at this workshop on female ejaculation. I thought it was going to be all encompassing– giving physical tips and tricks as well as discussing more intimate connections regarding it – but no. That’s not really what happened. It was very much more hippie-dippie than that. They called their vulvas yonis and talked about letting the “goddess juice flow.” Yeah. And then we had to get into groups and discuss our feelings and experiences regarding the whole thing.

Awkward is not quite the word. It was more awkward than awkward.

The worst part is that when I talked about my perspective the people in the group made me feel very uncomfortable. I believe it was because they were quite a bit older than me. And they could not imagine a woman being able to ejaculate with someone who they did not have an intense intimate connection with. They looked at me with sadness. Or like they felt sorry for me or something. Which really pissed me off.

What the fuck old people?

I feel like our generation is different. And I’m curious if we’re missing something in regards to the sex world or if the reason why I was basically the youngest person there is because most people my age don’t need to go to those things?

I can’t figure it out.

I do know plenty of people who at least discuss relationship dynamics and sexuality on a regular basis, but is the format for us more intimate, more one-on-one, less workshoppy? Are workshops for losers?

If this is an area I’m interested in should I turn more toward the social media route? It’s really difficult because it’s a road I’d like to walk down, but if it’s going to be filled with unattractive hippies who hug for too long I think I may want to change my direction and go for another line of work.

4.) Leading the Way.

I was out with some friends and one happens to be a 4th year med student surgeon. We were discussing items that are most commonly retrieved from the anal canal. The #1 thing he says that he sees–hot wheels. Hot wheels! From middle-aged men. Now, this I found to be too intriguing. What’s the deal with that? Is it some sort of revenge on their children? Hahaha!

“I stuff this toy of yours up my butt and now you’re going to play with it!”

Or some other sort of link between sexuality and childhood. Perhaps their first boner they remember getting was while playing with the cars and now they have some fetish for them?

Vroom Vroom.

All I know is that I now what to make anal plugs shaped like cars.

5.) To Kiss or Not to Kiss.

I’ve gone out with this guy a few times but there has been no physical contact. They’re always dates, but then they end anti-climatically. Maybe it’s me. I seem to be attracting a lot of celibate guys lately. It’s disturbing me in so many ways. Will I have to get back on ok cupid? Please Goddess I pray not! I really am not sure what I’m supposed to do here. This is the first time in my life where not just one, but two guys are confusing the heck out of me. I told my friend earlier today that winter is just around the corner, perhaps it’s time for me to hibernate my heart.

Yay to Self-Analysis with No Self-Help!

8 08 2012

I went on a date last night with a certified nerd. We started talking about Harry Potter and about how someone I know owns a cape and a wand based off the movies. He admitted to owning a wand himself and then he asked if there was anything I was really into.

I thought about it for a second and said “no, I like to keep everything equally distant from me so nothing can ever break my heart.”

At the time we just laughed about it, but the more I think about it, the more depressed I become.

And it’s not like being really into Harry Potter or Star Wars or Comic Books could break a person’s heart, which is why nerds are into that stuff anyway, but the things that I used to be really into actually can and do.

The only things I’ve ever really collected (besides a troll obsession in 2nd grade) have been ideas—feminism, veganism, existentialism, socialism, theoretical approaches to race, class, sexuality, freedom. The more one learns the more painful life becomes. Seeing through the fabric that keeps America clothed is rather frightening and sad.

Maybe that’s why for the past two years I’ve kept my distance. Maybe that distance is why I haven’t accomplished anything with my life. Maybe feeling like I need to accomplish something is just another layer of societal guilt keeping me in this constant state of push-pull.

Maybe I need to quit going on dates.

That’s a big one right there. If I responded with, “I like to keep everything equally distant,” it’s really obvious I should not be dating. I am not capable of letting anyone in. It would be almost impossible to develop any sort of meaningful relationship with me because the entire time I’d just be waiting for the moment in which it all fell to shit. Because it will.

Yeah yeah, many people probably want to respond with, “but just enjoy it while you can,” or “if you found the right person. . . .”


I am not capable of being in a meaningful relationship. It has been concluded. That is the final decision.

And with that I give up.

I would like to find an obsession. I would like to really be into something. But I don’t want to allow anything that much power over me. I want to be able to walk away if I need to. I need to be able to walk away when I have to.

Chicago Guys: Get Your Game Together.

30 07 2012

Top 5 Game Fails

1.) So the first bar my friend and I go to in Lincoln Square is pretty dead. Mostly just old dudes drinking, watching the end of the opening ceremonies. We sit at a table. We play naked-man-match-game on the bar’s computer. We make comments about the countries walking around the track. One of my friends comments reaches the ears of a man, he turns and says something to us. We do the weird half smirk smile thing girls do when they’re trying to be polite but don’t really want anything to do with said guy. He comes over any way. He has no teeth. Okay, okay. He has a few teeth, towards the back of his mouth, but the one’s in the front are like not there at all, or they’re like small stubs where teeth used to be.

He looks like he’s 60 + but we discover he’s only 42.

Anyway, this old looking guy with no teeth says to my friend, “Oh, I got excited. You look like this other woman I know, but she has an adam’s apple.

Good game buddy, good game.

I didn’t hear this comment. I sent texts to people about this creeper at our table so creeper would realize that I was completely ignoring him and wanted him to not feel invited. I should have just told him to go away, but I knew it would come out super mean and then I’d feel like I needed to leave the bar. Should have done it anyway.

2.) We eventually do leave that bar (after I barely win competing in the longest game of darts ever). And we go to this much more packed establishment. There is no where to sit and not really anywhere to stand either. These dudes invite us to sit at their table. We agree because we’re kind of in the way and we don’t really have much choice. One guy originally appears cuter than the other guy, but then I notice his shifty jaw and his inability not to do impressions of annoying actors named Jerry: Seinfield, Springer etc.

They inform us almost immediately that they are libertarians. I don’t know exactly what my friend talked about with the Shifty-Jaw Guy, but the other one guy, we’ll call him “Old Wise One” talked my ear off, saying the most ridiculous shit about how we should live like we did in 1875 and every other stereotypical things libertarians are always saying.

Finally we leave and we’re standing outside the bar figuring out what to do next and “Old Wise One” runs to his apartment smokes a quick bong hit and runs back just to give us a copy of his terribly written political comic book. It is not funny in any way. Pretty sure he was high through all of it and has no idea what humor to non-stoned people actually reads like. Anyway. Some weird conversation between the two guys go down and “Old Wise One” tells us to email him our thoughts and he’ll catch us later. Shifty Jaw stays with us.

3.) While sitting at their table this random asian dude in an Ed-Hardy-esque shirt and slicked back hair comes up just to tell me that I am “incredibly sexy.” I should have just left to talk to him because I doubt HE was a libertarian.

4.)  My friend and I decide to walk to this other bar. The bar isn’t necessarily that close, but not that far away either. Shifty Jaw hails a cab for us anyway. We didn’t really care about the cab but we’re like, whatever. We get to the next bar and my friend takes out some money to split the cab with the guy. The guy makes her pay for the whole thing. WTF. We get into the bar. He orders a drink and then goes to the bathroom. I have to go to the bathroom too and my friend is just returning from it, so I say to her, “DO NOT pay for our drinks. He needs to pay since he bailed out on the cab.” She pays anyway. WTF.

Then, eventually, though he’s been talking to her all night, he comes up to me and says, “So, you want to come home with me tonight?”



You’ve been a cheapskate, you’ve ignored me the entire time, you’ve made IMPRESSIONS all night and yet you think just by asking me I’m supposed to say yes? Fuck off dude.

I say, “Why would I do that when you’re obviously into my friend,” (amongst other issues).

He replies, “Well, she has a boyfriend.”

Ugh. Unbelievable.

“Well, No. Is the answer to your question. No. Now leave me alone.”

5.) I get away from Shifty Jaw and am picking out music on the jukebox. This bald guy comes over and he’s actually funny or I’m drunk, I don’t know it’s like 3 in the morning. Somehow I end up making out with him for like one minute. Maybe it’s because all the other guys have made such bad impressions (literally and otherwise). Either way. After that minute he says to me, “Wow. You’re a really good kisser.”

I look at him and say, “I know. You, not so much.”

I smile, like maybe I am joking, I, of course, am not joking. Not that he is “bad” but he is by far not “really good.”

Anyway, he still gets my number even though I tell him he’s never going to call me. And he never does.