Throwing in the Love Towel.

10 08 2012

Yesterday I had what I’d like to call a “Rage Against the Machine Day” because I literally wanted to rage against the jackhammer that started chopping up asphalt at 8 in the morning and didn’t stop until 4. . . when I had to go to work. Not everyone has an 8 to 5 schedule. There are some of us who actually work the opposite of that. And this world is obviously not designed for our convenience, which is probably while most of us drink excessively and hate everything.

Speaking of hating everything–that happened again too.

It wasn’t a feeling of being tired, being tired I could handle (and do on a regular basis). It was a feeling of being fucked. No, not fucking, or fucked over or fucked up. Fucked. I thought maybe I had done something really shitty and the world was trying to balance it out, yet I have no idea what that would have been, so the whole karma belief dissipated and I realized that sometimes existing is just rough.

It was a day in which I questioned everything I believe in and started to believe in nothing. . . no, I didn’t even believe in nothing. I had no beliefs. I gave up on all the abstracts we cling to, love, loyalty, honesty, happiness. And instead I just glared at people. Wondering how they continued to move through the world every day in a seemingly content sort of way; wondering how I move through the world every day without completely destructing.

And it hasn’t gone way entirely yet either. I’m still in that thought-mode.

Even concepts that I’ve believed in for so long I’ve given up on, veganism, feminism, etc. It’s not like I’m going to go out and kill a cow or try to outlaw abortion–I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care enough to stop being vegan or to stop being a feminist, but I’m not going to put any effort into them, whatever that means.

It comes down to my whole issue with giving up on love. The big one. The abstractest abstract concept of them all. I think I’m mourning over the loss.

Okay, giving up on love is pretty vague. Here’s more of what I mean. When I think about what I need from people and what I can give, it doesn’t match up. It’s not fair to get involved with people when I’m such a mess. It’s not healthy for them or for me. When I sit here and imagine my future, there is no one I can vision getting me or even wanting to.

Maybe that’s the even bigger issue, I can’t see anyone wanting to, and that’s okay. Yeah, I’m a little sad about it, but I also want to be realistic about my existence. Why chase something that will never be?

I need accept it.

Just like my schedule doesn’t align well with jackhammers neither does my love align well with, well, anything.

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Giving. Up.

23 02 2012

I grew up without a strong religious background. My mom has actually said to me that she regrets not taking me to church. Now I don’t know if this comment comes from me being a completly immoral person or from the fact that I don’t believe in the father almighty god up above.

Either way. My mom and my mom’s side of the family is catholic.

And my dad’s is like a non-practicing “christian,” I guess. I don’t know. I have never really discussed my dad’s religious beliefs with him.

What I’m getting at though is not necessarily believing in some higher-power, though it’s fine and dandy if you do or your don’t.

It’s the beauty of rituals.

When you have no religion, you also don’t have any rituals. Unless you create them for yourself. Or find them in something else.

Capitalism is a perfect example of finding rituals in something else. . .and capitalism so often directly correlates with religious events–Christmas is a prime example. You don’t have to believe in “god” to believe in Christmas. The ritual of shopping on Black Friday, the ritual of opening presents etc. etc.

What I like though are the religions that give things up.

So. The catholics, as an example, with their over-indulgences on Fat Tuesday followed by a supposed fasting on Wednesday then 40 days without something.

I may not believe in their beliefs but I believe that there could be something to some of these ritualistic types of behaviors.

I think our over-indulgent, narcissistic, pleasure-seeking country could use more giving up.

I don’t know if we give giving-up enough credit.

There’s something in the letting go that seems to be not just spiritual but necessary for health.

I read somewhere that people actually live longer if they eat less. And that it’s good to fast often.

I feel like giving up something for whatever length of time helps reveal if that thing is necessary to a fulfilling life. For example, I gave up meat. And I don’t need it to feel complete.

Here are some things I’m currently considering giving up:

Alcohol

Facebook

Salt

Stress

Sex

Dating

Work (oh wait, already did that)

Coffee

Sugar

Negativity

Yeah, I could probably live without all of those things, but what would I miss? If I gave them up how long would I be able to go without before caving in? Which one should I try first? I’m thinking about de-activating my OK Cupid profile because I’m tired of dating. And I think I might be addicted to dating, which is a terribly boring thing to be addicted to. I feel like I should focus more of my time on developing stronger relationships with my friends I already have, the problem is I’d have to give up on my other website devoted to bad online messages. If someone would want to take it over for a month or two that would be awesome!

Also I’ve been drinking too much. This is directly related to my social life. Yes. I am aware I do not NEED to drink to have fun. But I do have fun when I’m drunk. So, if I gave up drinking for like 2 weeks or a month or something perhaps I could re-learn how to balance it a little bit better in my life. I can replace drinking with dancing. Maybe I’d lose my now well-developed beer belly.

In the end, I’ll probably just give up, giving-up. Because old habits die hard. As the cliche goes.

Maybe I should give up cliches.

That would at least improve my writing. . .