Why I’m Not Having Sex (with you).

28 03 2012

I just got an email from Health.com that read, “10 Reasons Why You’re Not Having Sex” and I’d just like to point out that they are wrong. Those are not the 10 reasons why I’m not having sex.

These are the 10 reasons I’m not having sex.

1.) I am alone.

Currently I am living the single life. I know this doesn’t usually stop people, but lately I haven’t really felt like giving it up to randoms.

2.) My bed is too comfortable.

I sleep diagonally and I really don’t want anyone to ruin that for me.

3.) My lack of meds is turning me into a crazy person.

I went off birth control at the beginning of October and it’s turned me a little nutty. Mood swings, up and down desires, zits, emotional roller-coasters, fun times such as that. I’m glad that I’m getting it out of my system but since my period isn’t regular yet, I don’t want to add any one else to my potential “baby-daddy” list right now.

4.) My not-very-busy life-style. 

I am boring. The end.

5.) I am too sexy.

The article talked about body-image issues and you know what, I’m tired of that excuse. We all have our hang-ups. There are things I don’t like about my body (depending on the lighting) but I accept my body and I try to take care of it–and if that’s not good enough for someone else than they don’t deserve to enjoy it.

6.) I’m addicted to my vibrator! 

Well, not yet, because I just got it last night. But I could be very soon and I’m okay with that. It’s safer, more reliable, we don’t have to talk about anything, I can change the speed and pulsation at a click of a button, it fits in a drawer, it’s a one-time purchase that will last me for years without any arguments. So yeah, addicted–no, but I don’t see the problem with it being my source of orgasm as opposed to some stranger I could pick up at a bar (and then not even get off with).

7.) I smell.

Maybe people just aren’t attracted to my pheremones or my hairy armpits.

8.) I’m a cyborg!

Part of the problem is that I spend too much time online and not enough time in the real world. Sure, I have plenty of online dating messages, but none of them ever seem to pan out, even after we meet. Perhaps online dating creates too much pressure, or it just feels forced, or the connection is just never there.

9. Crushed-Out.

I can’t decide if I have a crush on this one particular person or if I actually do not. If I do then I’m going about it all wrong. If I don’t than it’s all fine and dandy. I don’t know if this is necessarily preventing me from having sex, but it’s in the back of my mind when I meet other people. Not that I care to ever be monogamous again, but developing a stronger relationship with some people over others is still a priority for me-if said person is worth that stronger development.

I know that I shouldn’t have a crush on this person because we’re actually probably not a very good fit. We each have other more compatible people out there in the world for us. But I can’t help it. And it’s sad to me when a crush fades so maybe I’m just trying to hold onto that feeling because I like the feeling, not because the crush is ever going to develop into anything.

10.) I am lazy (and picky) 

Sex takes a lot of effort and energy and time and care and consideration. And I don’t think I have much of any of that right now. So. Besides my on-going affair with Tango I plan to stay sex-free for awhile.

So take THAT Health.com I don’t need to do it with anyone else to be happy and content and fulfilled. I mean, yes, it could be nice, COULD be, but I’m not going to get all worried about it if it’s not happening with anyone. I’ll just be happy and content and fulfilled with myself.

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5 Random Thoughts: You Probably Don’t Want to Be Around Me This Week.

16 03 2012

1. I Smell

While working for elephant journal a fellow intern made the bold statement of saying that if you go deodorant–free for two weeks your body will re-adjust and it will no longer stink. As many of you know I recently decided to let my armpit hair grow just for the fun of it. It’s been like a month of me not wearing deodorant and kids, I still reek. Okay, I mean I don’t smell bad all of the time, but spring is approaching, it’s getting hotter, I have to wear the same shirt every day to work, I think it’s time to fix something here. I even asked my roommate if I smell and she said, “no comment,” which I took as a yes. I remember my smelly friend. I don’t want to be the smelly friend. But then again there is something appealing about repelling people. Like, “don’t come any closer or I’ll lift up my armpit fool!” And then they get this super scared look on their faces and back slowly away. It could be my super-heroine power.

2. I Hate You

No. I don’t. But the past couple of weeks I have attempted to give up coffee drinking. I gave up coffee because I was getting headaches every afternoon due to the crash. And I didn’t want to rely on a substance any longer. The first week went fine, but this week I was like dead. And I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I haven’t figured out if it was because of the coffee or other things. I miss the ritual of it more than I miss the coffee itself. Like, waking up, making it, and sipping it while I write. I never wake up and think, “oh I can’t wait to drink a nice cup of tea.” I mean, fuck tea. No offense tea lovers. I drink tea, but I don’t CRAVE tea. Sometimes it’s just nice to want something and then to be able to get it.

3. Ding Dong Dildo

Hello and welcome to get your rocks off central, my name is Krystal how may I help you find pleasure today? This is my first week selling romance to people. Right now I’m only learning about romance, which turns out to just be different ways to fuck yourself. If only I had known that years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. Really though you could spend years having different relationships with just the products in this store with no need for human interaction. The craziest thing I’ve learned so far. . . where I work was once Denver but they turned it into a different “town,” Glendale, so they could have a legal sex area in the city. That’s why there are several sex stores and strip clubs and dancing sites right in one area.

4. One is the Loneliest Number

How does that terrible song go, “just because i’m alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely” or something like that. . . anyway I have been alone quite often lately, no dates, and no hanging out with friends either. I know I probably need this time and I need to do this but it can be a struggle. I think my biggest problem isn’t that I’m not around other people but that I am slightly depressed that I was sold a rotten dream. And though it’s not “nightmare-ish” per say it’s still fucked up. I’m talking about the dream we’re sold from a young age: get good grades, pay attention, be kind to others, over-acheive, over-acheive and you will be successful. And instead of success I am like 80K in debt and working retail. I could have just worked freaking retail right out of school and stayed ignorant and blissful. It’s related to feeling alone because I think I’m sort of hiding. There’s a part of me that feels ashamed and embarrassed that it has come to this. I mean, at least it’s a job! But still, I should be doing more with what I have to offer.

5. Hunger

The weirdest part of this entire week is that I have not been hungry. I always want to eat; I am always thinking about food and what I can make next, and this week there has been no desire for food. I have had to force myself to eat and I still could barely finish. Something is probably really wrong… if I am not sleeping well and I don’t want to eat, two things that I am a professional at, I should probably go see a doctor. But I’ll blame it on the coffee and the new job (unless it keeps going). I realized though, that not being hungry/not wanting to eat frees up a lot of extra time for thinking and for doing other things, though I was too confused by it all to make any good use of it. Maybe next week if it’s still like this. Maybe it’s just my body trying to “get fit” for the sunny weather. . .