7 Randoms: Here I Go Again On My Own (with others).

8 03 2013

20123_FlyingBirds

1. I don’t know what happened to my neighbor, either he died or went to jail, but either way his stuff was thrown all over the yard and just left there. Afterward people scavenged through it taking whatever they wanted and leaving the rest, the junk, the cardboard boxes, the old mattress—all of it is still sitting there. It weirds me out, he is obviously not an accumulation of his stuff, but when the stuff gets thrown out it’s as if that was all he had— he didn’t have anyone close enough to him to do anything with it. It seems disrespectful. Perhaps it was his karma, what do I know about the situation. All I do know is that I’d never want that much stuff nor would I want my stuff scattered all across a city sidewalk.

2. Lately I’ve been on this positivity kick. I like it. It’s growing on me. But what I’m trying to figure out is if there is a good quality level of positivity a person can have and if one can go overboard. Mainly because I’ve met a couple of people who are so chipper and quirky and positive that I think maybe they’re insane, but then I think maybe I’m just not used to being around people with that kind of energy. I don’t want to get fooled into thinking that’s what positive people act like when really that’s what crazy people act like. I suppose there’s nothing too wrong with that kind of nut-job anyway; it’s okay to live on another planet—the planet of positive power–while on earth right?

3. I’ve been reading an egh book on body language. Most of it is obvious, but there are a few things that I’ve never noticed about people before. I’ve been wondering if I change my physical stature, holding myself in more confident positions, if eventually my mental perspective will change with it.

4. There’s a job I really want in Portland. I will get it.

5. I watched a woman driving as if she never saw a bird in the road before. The car behind her was getting pissed because she kept stopping trying not to run over said bird. I have only on rare occasions not seen a bird move out of the way in time.

6. I have one week left selling dildos. In one years time I have managed to accumulate almost 20 of these contraptions. Just yesterday I concluded that the right vibrator can indeed replace a person, but only in regards to powerful orgasms, the rest—connection, intimacy, desire, lust, love, touch, comes from human to human contact, which basically says to me, throw a toy in the game when you play.

7. I had a dream that I was pregnant. I like literally saw and felt my stomach inflating. I suppose that would be nightmarish if I had not remembered that Madonna also had a pregnancy dream and her interpreter told her it did not necessarily mean a child so much as the creation of something new. A baby project in development. *wipes brow* Close one. Excited for this new creation, whatever it may turn out to be.

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I Can’t Be Your Hipster Tonight.

20 03 2012

Last night I decided to get back on OkCupid, just for a bit. Upon my return it has been decided that I’m not going to spend as much time on it and I’m not going to message guys back just for entertainment purposes. I am immediately deleting the ones I don’t want to talk. Mainly I’m just looking for a Jake-Gyllenhaal look-alike to become my next boyfriend (I know it’s not going to happen).

Anyway, this morning I woke up with this message in my inbox:

“I can understand your rejection of the 9-5 mentality but if you have 2 master’s degree, you should be doing sometime more/better than freelance writing and social media marketing.

But enjoy your dumpster diving and PBR tall-boys. You are very unique, just like every other hipster I’ve encountered.”

When a complete stranger calls you out on how you’re sucking at life–that’s a new low point.

Yeah dude I know I should be doing something more, thanks for reminding me. I, you know, just spend every waking hour of my life drenched in guilt about it, but hey, it’s cool, we’ve never met so please feel free to express to me how I should live.

Uuggh the asshole-card. It takes a bold man to play it but when he does it works like a charm.

Because I want to message him back and call him out on being a dickwad; he’ll respond in the opposite way so he doesn’t seem like such an ass and I will magically fall for him.

Nope.

Not going to let it happen.

It’s bothering me because it’s true. I want to be doing something more with my life but maybe I’m scared of the next step, that if I get a good full-time job it will change me into a business-casual person and those people frighten me. Or. I don’t know what. That if it’s serious and it’s not what I deep down want to be serious about I’ll keep doing it just because it’s “a job” and I need it.

Everyone says all you got to do is want it and work hard. I’m burnt out on both of those things. I wanted and I worked hard for years and years and I feel it got me nowhere (except in debt). So it’s difficult to keep doing it. What’s the point?

Maybe I’m like functionally depressed. Do those people exist? Like a functioning alcoholic– I don’t let my depression get in the way of my day-to-day though it’s preventing me from bigger and better things (except in my dream last night with a certain Denver stud muffin stallion).

Okay, okay, I’ll work on the bigger and better. Though I still think I need to work on my inner self before anything else. I’ll give myself a few more months. In the meantime, I’m deleting that message.