Heaven and Earth Balanced in Your Vagina.

31 05 2012

When I got to work yesterday afternoon it was pretty dead, so I decided to clean the book shelfs. While doing so a 50-Shades-of-Grey guy rushes up the stairs, finds the nearest employee (my manager) and says:

“I’m pretty ignorant about all this stuff, I need help finding balls? Balls, you know, those feng shui things.”

I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Yes, sir, right this way, let’s help your wife feng shui her vagina, I myself prefer a minimialist decor up there while my co-worker here enjoys the contemporary french style.

WTF dude.

While paying for the feng shui balls (actually kegel balls) he turns to me and says, “do you mind if I ask you something?” (since I am a woman I presume and my manager is obviously not sticking things up/in/on his nonexistent vagina). . . “What do you like here? Like what else should I get for her?”

Bam! Another $80 vibrator sold in less than 10 seconds.

What my manager has yet to figure out is that these 50 Shade Husbands will spend bank. They don’t give a fuck what the stuff costs because they’re just excited their wives want to have sex with them again. And not just sex, but considerably kinkier sex than they’ve ever had. It’s much cheaper than a divorce or a mistress, so they’re all coming over in droves–I thank the book for that–but am annoyed at the fact that it took so long for our culture to open up more about sexuality.

And it wasn’t necessarily the book that did this, but all the conversation around the book on talk shows and such. It all collectively gave women permission to experiment. If Dr. Oz and The Talk and The View etc. all say it’s cool and all your friends are doing then you have to, right?

Whatever, at least more orgasms are happening.

That’s got to be something.

5 Random Thoughts: Books, Sex, Sexy Books.

27 04 2012

1.) Reading a good book makes me want to do better things with my life. I don’t know what it is, if it’s the deep development of characters flaws exposed that helps me feel more connected or the philosophical debates on our relationships with each other/universal purpose/existence etc. but for some reason all I want to do is healthy stuff–workout, eat well, read. Maybe I’m just maturing and it happens to be while I’m reading this particular book. I’ll never know!

2.) All these middle aged women are reading 50 Shades of Grey. I guess there are a lot of different scenes involving sex toys which have brought them in droves to our store. It’s nice in a way because I am selling many more upscale toys. Also, I feel like it could be helping women become more sexually open–at least I hope it is. I put a hold on the book at the library–565 people are before me. By the time I get to it the fad will probably be over.

3.) Kegel balls are all the rage. So I bought this Je Joue set from work. Kegel balls are designed to help strengthen the PC muscles which leads to better orgasms and better urinary control. They’re really good for all women to use, though women who have given birth would probably find them the most beneficial. I figured, it can’t hurt to have a tighter stronger nether region so I’ve decided to to do kegel exercises every day for a month. The set I bought comes with three–a beginner one that’s bigger and lighter, a mid-range one that has two smaller balls and is slightly heavier weighted and then finally a smaller ¬†two baller that’s actually quite heavy for the advanced kegeler. I have yet to try the third one, though I think I can do it just fine consider the other two have not been a problem. I’ll let you all know at the end of next month if I notice any changes.

4.) Well, since sexuality is a major theme in my life I guess I will talk about the boring biology of it for a moment. As a few of you know, I haven’t had my period for months now. I’d just like to inform you all that I’M NOT PREGNANT!!! Nor do I have anything else medically wrong that they could find. My body is just weird. I’ll have to channel it. Or drink some good period-inducing herbal tea. Recommendations are welcome.

5. I mainly am talking about it because I’ve been in a bad mood lately and I can’t shake it. I’m wondering if it might be time. Or close to it. If not, then I blame it on boys. It’s all their fault. And I’m giving them up. Again. I swear. At least for a month while I work on my kegel exercises. And my attitude.