The Big Heart Reveal.

11 06 2012

At 4:30 in the morning most roads are clear. When the sun rises and the light bounces off the mountains it’s hard to think of a better way to wake up.

The trip down was supposed to take 6.5 hours. I got there in 5.5. I swear I went nearly the speed limit the whole time.

It was good to trust my instincts and go. The drive itself was worth it more than anything. I needed to find out if this was about love or lust and proceed accordingly. Either way I felt fear. I was afraid that if it was love, my life was about to get incredibly difficult. I was afraid that if it was about lust I had just wasted a good amount of time, energy, and money to figure that out.

But nothing was wasted necessarily.

Of course, the outcome wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but more than anything it was what I needed.

I needed to realize that it would never work. That there were too many flaws in the whole idea.

Maybe I went there all along subconsciously knowing I was going to look for these flaws because I needed to get over it.

Maybe it was always the logical choice.

Because if I didn’t go I wouldn’t be able to move on.

And now I can. Even though it is still sad. Though, not entirely.

I’m more relieved than anything. No longer in the state of in-between.

Back to the game, but I’m not jumping in full-force. Re-focusing my energy of my self–my body and mind.

New plan:

Find a favorite yoga class to go to once a week–body.

Write at length every day–mind.

New rule:

Boys come last.

I’m obviously searching for connections with other humans; but I fear I’ve been wanting it too badly. Must give up and allow it just to be. To arrive organically. And if it never does I guess I’ll just Emily Dickinson-it the rest of my life.

Jealousy is Just Love and Hate at the Same Time.

14 05 2012

It’s Monday. That means I’m exactly HALF WAY through Manless May. So, it’s time for another update. Is there a reason why guys seem to like me more this month? Is it because they know deep down that I will never allow it to happen? Thus a part of them wants to be the one to “break” me, while another part of them secretly doesn’t want anything to really happen either.

I was really hoping my period would start some time. But, since there is nothing medically wrong–according to all the tests I’ve had done–I guess I should just embrace it and be happy that I don’t have to deal with it for a little longer. I know people have a hard time accepting menstruation as a beautiful thing but I actually like the cyclical effects of it. I like how one’s body literally discards negative energy. A mini-death every month. It’s good for us.

I’ve realized that the further away a guy is the more crushable he becomes and I finally figured out why– because it’s safe. I don’t have to worry about changing my schedule, adjusting to another persons’s habits, or worst of all-falling in love, because they are all conveniently out of reach. I can flirt from a far in a fun, non-commital type of way. I can’t decide if this is healthy or harmful. I’m going to go with healthy. Because it’s a way for me to ease back into the concept of being in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. I can test my own boundaries and discover not only what I need, but what I want from other people.

The theory is that it takes half the amount of time out of a relationship to be completely (or almost entirely) healed from that relationship ending. I tend to move a lot faster than most people, so I’m guess instead of two and half ish years it’s going to take me one and half, which means, I am nearly half way there. To be perfectly honest, it was more a bruise to the ego than an actual heartbreak. And I feel it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to jump back into something just to be “in something.” Seems like many people are afraid of loneliness. But just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you’re not alone. Or the opposite. How does that really bad song go– “doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.” Either way. Being fulfilled by one’s self is the only way to be healthy, both in and out of relationships, which is why I’m focusing on me this month and not men.

Though, it seems like I’m still focusing a lot on men, which is frustrating. For example, this guy at work professes his love for me every day. I find this ridiculous. He’ll be talking about dates he has planned and he’ll say something like, “I’ll cancel all my dates this week, just to take you out once.” Silly things like that. It’s like, I know you can’t possibly be in love with me because you know nothing about me. All you know is that we work together and I have awesome dance moves to 90’s pop songs. That’s it. And then what? We go on a date and it’s like that episode where Lisa FINALLY goes out with Screech and Screech ends up not liking Lisa anymore and that whole running gag ends. Work would become awkward. Either way. If we ended up hitting it off or we didn’t. So, why even bother? Also, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not “me” he “loves” but what I represent. The allure of being with someone at work, when there are strict regulations against that type of behavior. We’re not even supposed to be friends with each outside of work, let alone date. And I don’t want to get fired. I actually like my job. Even though the pay is shit and sometimes really REALLY skanky methed-out people with attitude problems come in (but that’s everywhere right?).

Wasting my time on guys when I should be reading. Or writing. Or learning arithmetic (since I still suck at it). I obviously still have some self-esteem issues to work through. Though I understand that I often weigh my worth on whether or not other people like me, I still cannot stop myself from doing it. It’s sort of like having psychic powers where one can foretell the future but can do nothing to change it. I’m sure there is something I could do, but it probably costs a lot of money and psychiatric care. Or prozac. See, I understand theoretically that my worth is not based on other people’s opinions of me, but it would be a lie to say that I don’t, in reality, consider their opinions more than I should.

Anyway. I could go on and on, but I’m having a writing party today! Finally after like 2 years (holy cow!) someone new is going to start critiquing my work (and vice versa), so excited! For sure getting it together, slowly, but surely.

Trying to Catch Myself Before I Fall.

26 04 2012

Hey kids! I know it’s been awhile. the truth is I got distracted by a boy. A very beautiful charming boy…okay, a man really, who is now far far away again and I’m sad.

I can’t quite tell you what it was that made me fall (not even sure if it’s a true fall). I’d like to blame it on the distance as I seem to have a problem with liking unreachable impossible relationships. We don’t need a psychologist here to figure out why this is true.

Why is he so cute? Why is he so funny? Why is he so smart? Make it stop!!! Ugh.

I’m mostly irritated at myself for allowing this to happen. I should have known better.

So the plan is to give it time and see if it prospers or withers up and dies. I feel the door is slightly ajar and I am at the point where I can’t decide if I’d prefer to open it all the way or slam it shut again.

Oh, complications.

I will say that I spend too much time contemplating and planning my social relationships and I need to take a step back and focus on myself. It’s annoying because I’ve known this for months and yet I can’t get myself to do it. Changing habits and actually taking time for inner reflection are both frightening yet necessary.

Also, on an entirely different subject. I’ve been contemplating getting a tattoo. Mom, don’t freak out–I know you said you’d cut me off and disown me etc. etc. but I am 27 now and it wouldn’t be tasteless. The likelihood that it will happen is at about 31% and it wouldn’t be for like a year because I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I’d want it to look like. I know that I’d want it to be a fawn. You know, like my middle name. Pretty simple, maybe it’s corny, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to put on my body permanently.

This is not a fawn, I hope you all knew that. But I like the silhouette style, maybe.

I also like this.

Or I could get a whole sleeve with a fawn in the wilderness and stuff?

Thoughts? Opinions? Suggestions?

Back to falling:

If nothing magical and life-changing comes out of it I at least now know about this band and have become rather obsessed with this song.

*sighing over my coffee wearing my white tank top scratching my white trash butt*