Having a Fling Doesn’t Have to End a Relationship.

18 11 2013

The other night I decided since I didn’t have a Netflix tv obsession at the moment that I was going to instead sit through an entire movie. The movie I chose was called Fling. I picked it because it was about a couple in an open relationship. I thought it would be interesting to see how they worked through these ideas via a mainstream outlet. It was pretty typical in that the monogamy-culture won in the end.

But what really struck me odd was the way in which they proceeded to carry out this open relationship. It was unrealistic to say the least. They had established no boundaries in their non-monogamy, choosing to flirt, go home with, make-out with other people within each other’s presence. Now, there are very few people in the world who could handle doing this at the rate in which this couple did. Like they would go out together and then each other’s flings would show up at the same space and they didn’t think there would be drama or tension or awkwardness. And if there was awkwardness it wasn’t something the main couple were capable of admitting was happening between the two of them.

fling

What tore the couple apart was not the non-monogamy though. It was only after they started keeping secrets, lying, not communicating, that their relationship started to unravel. And they weren’t just lying to each other but to everyone close to them. The main guy started sleeping with his best friend’s sister and neglected to tell him. The best friend flipped and it was hard to determine if it was because he thought his sister deserved better or that he felt he was being deceived. In any case, it could have been not nearly dramatic if they were all just upfront from the beginning about everything–because if you love your sister and you love your best friend–why would it be a big deal if they loved each other too?

Some may say the main partnership always had problems and the two involved in the open-relationship were doing it because they didn’t want to be alone and were only with each other until something better came along. Because they blatantly loved each other I don’t think that’s a strong argument, but perhaps what happened is that they loved each other, but were no longer “in love” with each other.

It felt that they just threw themselves into an open-relationship without much thought as to how it should or could actually function properly. It initially worked when they were being truthful about everything and weren’t making any intense connections with other people. It was when other connections became stronger and they didn’t know how to balance all of the different emotions and issues within each coupling that it all seemed to fall apart.

I was left feeling torn because in a way it did show how an open-relationship doesn’t work and that could be just as beneficial for making sure that doesn’t happen within one’s own open-relationship, but at the same time it pushed monogamy, making their relationship seem perverted and not as serious or meaningful as it could be, which is bullshit.

The things that go wrong in relationships, whether monogamous or other, are generally the same. People fall out of love for whatever reasons and instead of ending it because they’re too scared or too comfortable they end up being dishonest, deceitful and they fail at communicating what’s going on with them.

In the end, I’d say it was an okay story, but it would be nice to see more movies or tv shows where non-monogamy (polyamory, open-relationships, etc.) works in a positive healthy way, but I suppose it takes people in them to start telling their stories and perhaps when it’s positive and healthy it’s actually pretty boring and no one really cares.

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OKC Broadcast Dating Story Disasters.

12 11 2013

So, OK Cupid added this thing where you can “set your broadcast,” which is basically like a facebook status for dates. People use it to make plans within a two-hour time span. As a person with an adventurous spontaneous mentality I have on occasion tested this, sometimes for fun, when I need a few good posts for Aimless, sometimes when I am actually looking for someone to hangout with because all my “friends” are too busy for me.

jack ass

Story 1: No Confirmation

The first time I ever met anyone from a broadcast I put exactly where I was going to be, which, by the way, is a big mistake. I ended up meeting this guy at a bar near me; he was visiting from out of town and we had great conversation about writing, technology, beer etc. This was not like a date or a sexual thing, just two people enjoying life. Eventually it was bar close and it started clearing out. I guess I had seen the guy from the corner of my eye earlier, but randomly this 40ish tall skinny beaten-down looking ginger came up and started talking to us. Like he wouldn’t stop talking to us. He was drunk. Eventually we got out of there; I looked at my phone and he had sent me multiple messages, messages to the point of them feeling stalker-ish. It was weird because generally, at least in my opinion, you wouldn’t go to a place to meet someone unless the other person confirmed that they were indeed in desire of meeting you.

Story 2: Wiped Out.

Another time I had an extra ticket to a movie and I didn’t want to go alone because it looked like it was going to be intense. The movie was indeed intense, there was a lot of murdering and blood and dungeons and overall weirdness, to the point where I felt like I was going to vomit. But I didn’t.

No, I didn’t.

I got this guy into the movie with me, a ticket that would normally cost $13. I bought us a round at the theater. We then ended up at a bar after where we proceeded to get into this ugly argument about gender. Trust that it’s very difficult to win an argument with me about gender, though it’s a subject I thoroughly enjoy engaging in with people regardless of their knowledge or lack there of. Even though we were arguing he’d slip in stuff about going back to my place and wanting to kiss me etc. which I deflected because I was in no way interested.

In any case, I was slightly buzzed and he seemed to have suddenly gotten drunk drunk out of nowhere. I was talking about something, he took a drink of his beer and then out of nowhere spit it up all over me, like the beer projectiled across the table spraying me all across the front of my body. I stared at him in shock for a moment. Then I stared at him in complete annoyance.

“Dude. Aren’t you going to try to, I don’t know, wipe this off of me?” I said.

He just keeps looking down at the table shaking his head, “I can’t.” he replied.

I grabbed napkins from the bar and cleaned myself off.

“Well, I think it’s time for me to go.” I said.

Then he looks at me confused. “Aren’t you going to pay for your beer?”

By this point I was appalled. “Dude. I watched you the entire time while you ordered and they ran your card.”

“Oh. Oh, I don’t remember that.” He said.

I couldn’t handle the situation anymore. So I told him to deal with it; I thanked him for spitting up all over me and I left.

Later I got an apology text from him for being “rude,” but, yeah, that did nothing to help the rudeness at the time.

So. I think perhaps, it’s time to retire the broadcast idea, it’s probably time to retire OKC in general, but that’s a different story.





10 Randoms: Strange Love Sandwich.

27 09 2013

1. This is my response to the 300 Sandwiches situation:

sandwich

Seriously, this seems like an abusive relationship, at least mental abuse. Because marriage shouldn’t be the prize at the end of a stamp-card; on your 300th sandwich get a wedding ring! What a bunch of manipulative desperate bullshit.

2. Sometimes I leave my apartment and sometimes when I leave my apartment it’s afternoon. Usually I try to time it so this doesn’t happen, but more often than not I’m caught running into herds of high school students. High school kids are scary and it took me a while to figure out why. They’re scary because they’re mean. They’re mean and they’re always in groups. So it’s like walking through a pack of meanness. They don’t mean to be mean they just haven’t emotionally matured yet and they do what they need to do to fit in. But let me tell you, I hold my head high and I do not make eye contact when I come across a cluster of them.

3. Speaking of high school kids. They have revealed to me that romance is dead. I stepped outside in the afternoon one day and saw a couple making out in the parking lot of 7-11. Their high school is less than a block from city park, where birds chirp and it smells like wet grass. But no, these kids picked asphalt and the smell of wafting trash. I guess when you’re “in love” it doesn’t matter where you “love?”

teenagers-making-out-funny-pictures

4. The other day I accidentally bought mustard greens instead of kale. And I realized that was the most white-privileged thing I have ever thought/did/said.

5. So, while watching Jeopardy they had this question come up that said if you were 5’7” at 160 pounds your BMI would be 25, and thus you would be a tad overweight. As a person who is 5’7” and 160 pounds I would have to say that they don’t actually know how to calculate body fat based off of that formula. Particularly if the whole “muscle weighs more than fat” thing is accurate. Maybe you have or haven’t met me, but I’m fucking buff, I can open my own pickle jars buff, I am not overweight. Fuck that system.

6. Speaking of overweight. I’ve been eating really strangely lately. Like I won’t really be hungry until about 2 in the afternoon and then I’m like HUNGRY for four hours straight. So I eat. And eat. Then I’m full until about 10 and at that point I’m like oh, hell no, I’m not eating right now. So I try to go to bed instead and it’s hard to go to bed when you want to eat, but it’s stupid because I don’t need calories to sleep. At that point I read a book to distract myself and it almost always works.

7. Here’s the big one. As I said the other day on facebook, I realized that I can only sleep with books I love, all the others get the floor.

And that this should also probably be my approach to men.

Because when I’m reading a good book I don’t want it to stop, but sometimes I get tired and so I fall asleep holding it close to my chest, excited to open it the next day, excited for all the adventures it’s going to take me on and all the new ideas it will give me. And if a guy doesn’t give me that same feeling I should probably just get rid of him and find another book.

marilyn reading 2

8. Also, in that same vein, I wish that I felt the same way about people as I feel about dogs. Like when I see a dog I’m like, “oh my goddess what a cute creature,” and when I see a human I’m like, “please don’t look at me I don’t want to buy anything.”

9. What’s the last book I spooned with you’re wondering? Jennifer Egan’s A Visit From the Goon Squad. I won’t be hurt if you spoon with it too.

10. Want to read something of mine that isn’t random? Here’s a link to my elephant journal author page.





The Power of Wanting.

11 03 2013

ten-fundamental-human-needs_web

I’m going to take this time to work through a thought, it regards the concept of getting what one wants. I will admit outright that most of my life I have gotten what I want. But just wanting it alone never got it for me, I had to work for it, or at the very least I had to ask. Is the power of getting it deeper than wanting it alone? Does the power come from knowing deep down that you’ll get it? And only when that knowing is not fulfilled is the power shattered?

Has my power to get what I want, aka the deep-down knowledge of attainability vanished for good and if not how do I get it back?

What I’m really wondering is if all this time I’ve been hurt over the breakup not because it ended but because it didn’t end how I wanted it to. It actually didn’t play out like I wanted it to at all—and not just that specifically, but my whole future-want-acquire shattered, that goal which I had worked towards for many many years: the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect environment to thrive. It all looked perfect on paper too, Director of Marketing for a non-profit, in a loving relationship with one of those sensitive artist types, living in a town big enough to be considered a city (but wasn’t really one at all), a town that had breweries and bike lanes and mountains, oh my!

But it’s not really about that anymore. What it’s about now is whether I can overcome my shattered privilege and move on. Am I doomed to hold a grudge against the first person who really truly hurt me, who told me no, who could not, in the end give me what I wanted? Why am I still thinking about it? Mainly it seems unreal that someone could get over me so quickly, hahaha. Okay, okay. I KNOW that sounds super conceited and fucked up, but who wants to feel rejected? Particularly after putting so much time and commitment and energy into something. It’s like being pushed off a cliff and then after broken bones and a concussion and a bear trying to eat you, you still have to climb back up to where you started.

Perhaps that’s my problem after all. I’m trying to climb back up instead of taking the valley path along the river back into town.

So what? I didn’t get what I wanted. Boo fucking hoo right? Why be so dramatic about it? Forgive him already. Lesson(s) learned.

And I do forgive him. I forgive us. I forgive me. That last one is the hardest. I have to stop being so hard on myself for past decisions. They’re done. I made them. It’s what I thought was best for me at the time. Because of them I have grown into this wonderfully eccentric flower. Yes, it’s been hard re-evaluating what I want from life. Perhaps if I knew in more specifics that power would come back and I’d easily attain it like back in the old days. Perhaps I’m being a little more careful, a little more picky about my vision, my desires, my needs, this time around. As it should be, because if not that would mean I haven’t grown at all—isn’t that one of the values of one relationship ending, growing so the next one can be even better?

In the end, what I want in a vague sense is love—spiritual nourishment—from people, from my job, from the city I live in. That ability to help each other grow and flourish into the best we can be. I’ll start today with myself.





Travel Thoughts: Being More +++

9 02 2013

I think it might be a bit much to expect a vacation to be a transformative experience. It might be a bit much to even think it will be relaxing. How exactly is throwing one’s self into an entirely new environment relaxing? I am not quite sure.

But while attempting just that, lying on the beach at Waikiki, I made a stunning overall analysis about the (united) states of minds.  I am not discounting myself in this equation when I say that the majority of our population is negative.

Negative in thought.

Perhaps it’s because I’m on a tour bus with a bunch of grumpy old people who have to have the temperature always at exactly 71 degrees, but I don’t think it’s that. Because we’re all here to have a good time. And yet some times the “bad,” i.e. judging everything around us, gets in the way of experiencing the good.

I came to this conclusion mostly because everything and everyone was annoying me. Not knowing where to go for happy hour, having to repeat myself over and over because old people can’t hear, sitting on a tour bus with a driver who couldn’t stop talk/singing, feeling rushed when all I wanted to do was watch hot surfer guys be hot surfer guys, etc. etc.

While in these moments I am grumpy. Grumpelstiltskin  I acknowledge that I am grumpy and yet I cannot do anything to snap out of it. The only thing that usually works is “me” time, where I go and get back in my head and analyze what’s going on. IN MY HEAD I am always better at the end of “me” time and I think I can return to humanity, but then I return and grumpfest 2.0 gets sparked almost immediately.

I am completely flawed in this manner.

I want to be one of golly-gee-wee good spirited people who “loves to laugh.” A person who can just brush off the thoughtless ignorance of others, because as my grandma pointed out, it doesn’t bother anyone else but me.

waikiki

We all have different ticks that set us off.

But what’s the best method for getting back to cool after the ticking off?

See, I was next to this couple on the beach for over an hour and because they were talking and I was just lying there I totally eavesdropped on the conversation. It was then I noticed the mega-nega: don’t, not, never, no, can’t, won’t, etc. that highlighted their dialogue. Every sentence was rooted in failure, theirs or that of those around them.

I don’t want to be like them when I’m that age. I don’t want to be like them now.

What I feel I am neglecting is the power of language. I have to change the dialogue in my own head first. Perhaps when I do and I am a more positive person my unconscious mind will lead me to sit next to more goodygeegollywolly people instead of people who ran out of bologna and need to make a mad dash Walmart run in rush hour traffic.

For the rest of the trip I am going to work on being more conscious of my word choice and to just “be” wherever I am, to go with the flow, to hang loose.

I am going to laugh in the face of everything that annoys me, “oh, you thoughtless assholes amuse me with your super selfish selves.” “Oh, you can run backwards down diamond head trail with a bottle balanced on your head = talent.” “Oh, you want to wake up at 4:30 in the morning, holymoly alright! Let’s beat the sun!”

See, I’m a better person already.





Standing in the Way of Control.

18 12 2012

The recent shooting in Connecticut has created a mega-storm in regards to the debate on gun control.

This is not about gun control.

Instead of skirting the main issue we need to confront it head on.

Okay, so a mentally disturbed person used a gun to murder a bunch of innocent people. The equation for a solution that most people see here is to either 1. Take Away The Gun or 2. Give People More Guns

The gun in the equation is not the problem.

I remember when I was younger there was a slogan that became incredibly popular at least in my area of small-town Kansas, which was “Guns Don’t Kill People, People Kill People.” Though this is a true statement, the opposite side of the gun control debate would argue that less people would die if it was less easy to pull the trigger. Both of these concepts are right… in a way.

Again. Not the point.

What we’re failing to recognize here are the mechanism of power that keep this kind of horror repeating itself.

In other words, power—the lack of power and the quest for power—keep us from being free, keep us from feeling safe, keep us from feeling love at its fullest.

Think of a two-year-old who throws tantrums. Why is the kid throwing a fit? Because she or he is coming into consciousness and lacks the ability to communicate proper needs and desires. The child’s powerlessness is realized. How does a parent cease the tantrum? The parent does not throw a tantrum back because this is futile, the parent eases the tantrum with love. Care, affection, understanding.

I refuse to back down on my argument that the world needs more love.

We must re-evaluate what is important.

Money, things, being “better” than our neighbor—these concepts, rooted in capitalism which thrives on individualism, are literally killing us and keeping the rest of us in a constant state of anxiety and fear.

Keeping a gun at our hip will only fuel this more. We will become a trigger-happy society that shoots firsts and asks questions later. We will retreat and become more isolated. We will continue to have no power and even less love in our lives.

Regardless of how cheesy it sounds, we have to open our hearts.

This is vague, but basically it comes down to recognizing other people’s existence on the planet. A smile, a “hello, how are you?,” a creation and development of community connectedness, a willingness to give with no-strings attached. Communication—an open dialogue voicing our needs, wants, desires, concerns, where we actually listen to each other and act accordingly.

In the documentary Happy, sociologists discovered that small acts of kindness literally changed people’s brain chemistry and allowed more endorphins to flow through the body creating a more constant state of happiness. Kindness towards others should be valued more than pleasing the self.

So, yeah, we can sit around and debate all we want to about guns and mental health and health care and democracy but until we get to the root of the issue our society is not going to transform into something better—and neither will we—as individuals.

bell hooks in All About Love (a book I think everyone should read) discusses the concept that love is about helping another transform themselves into the best person they can be—it’s time we do that collectively, not just in pairs, but as a society. We should look out for one another because when we do it makes our own lives more fulfilling and the lives of others more about love, which is what we all need any way.

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Our Country Internally Bleeding.

14 12 2012

On Practicing Love.

I-need-you-I-miss-you-I-love-you-3-love-10112773-1024-768

We are isolated. Scared. Alone. Unsure exactly how to feel love and even more unsure how to give it. The more we move away from each other in fear the worse our society will become.

We cannot just shed a tear for the atrocities that happen across our country on a far too often basis. We must act.

We must start practicing love.

And with that practice we have to define what it means, we must become open to talking about it; we can no longer afford to shy away from it because our fears of rejection and our obsession with power is stronger than our need to feel accepted and appreciated on this planet.

When I was in high school and the Columbine shootings happened I, of course was completely freaked, totally saddened by the entire incident, but it gave me pause to take a look around my classroom, to notice the people who had been unnoticeable before–outcasts if you will–and try to be more inclusive. I at least would have conversation with them even if we had very little in common. Perhaps that’s where we have become out of touch. We’re afraid if we do or say the wrong thing we may literally be murdered. We could even be murdered just because we’re in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But we culturally have to dig deeper at the root of these almost-routine societal-suicides. When an individual cuts herself she does so to feel pain, maybe to the point of not being able to feel pain any more–but what is the pain? Where does it come from? What can stop it? When an individual takes his pain out on unsuspecting groups and then himself he does it out of pain. An injustice felt. An internal pain turned externally violent onto the world around him.

We all have a responsiblity. A responsibility to heal our own pains and to help those we love heal theirs.

And we have to get back to love.

Not in a vague random abstract sense, but in a literal actual sense; we have to get back to care, compassion, honesty, trust, loyalty, commitment–to our selves, to our friends, to our family. Without it we will continue to live sheltered unfulfilling anxiety-ridden lives.

It’s obviously not this simple. It’s going to take time and effort on all of our parts.

Perhaps December 21st will be the end of the world, but we can hope it’s an end of a world full of oppression and violence and the beginning of a world full of understanding, acceptance, and love.