5 Randoms: My Walk is as Cheap as my Heels.

25 07 2012

1) Along with my regular workout, which is basically just running around the park followed by some sit-ups and push-ups, I have now incorporated not only KEGEL BALLs to strength my PC muscles (more, stronger, better orgasms + no pee leaking in old age) I’ve also started wearing high heels for like 20 minutes every day. High heels are hard. Walking anywhere in them is my biggest issue considering I have one of the fastest walks on the planet and when I add heels it cuts my time in half. Sad. Why am I concerned with heels?

I’m not necessarily concerned with them. But sometimes my work sells them for really cheap and I feel compelled to buy them, but there really is no point on owning them if I’m not going to wear them.

I got these purple heels for under five dollars. Aren’t they cute?

2.) Not too many super weird things have happened at work lately. Though the other day this guy asked me if we sold the nuva-ring. There was a lesbian couple standing at the counter checking out and I sort of looked at them like, “is this guy serious?” then turned to him and said, “the nuva-ring, like the birth control device? Like the thing you wear for three weeks full of hormones that you need a prescription for?”

He was like, “uugghh yeah, I think that’s what it’s called.”

Do we look like Planned Parenthood? Do any of us look like medical professionals? No dude. No.

3) July has been a lot like Manless May without the catch phrase.

4) I leave for Chicago very early tomorrow morning. I’m mostly excited to see all my lovely Chicago friends + ride the el + dip in the lake + drink martinis at the kit kat + be in a city where not EVERYONE knows my name. Seriously, Denver, you’re too small.

5) Yes, people, I’m thinking about moving out of here; if you have any suggestions, I’m open.

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The Period Means Go.

28 05 2012

It’s the home stretch now kids. Only four more days of Manless May. I realized that I accidentally scheduled hanging out with a man tonight. I may have to cancel, even though I don’t think it technically counts, but just in case.

It doesn’t count because the best thing happened to me the other day.

Can you guess?

It’s what I’ve been waiting for for months. Four months, actually.

My period FINALLY started!

And yes, I had gone to the doctor and they had told me that nothing was wrong even though I hadn’t bled in months, but I didn’t want to take any chances. It was one of the main reasons I gave up dating. I felt that if my body wasn’t behaving properly that I should take time off from people to give it the opportunity to revive. Now it has!

Since my period started I’ve been attempting to come up with the grossest things I can say about it to describe to people what’s happening. Here are a few of them:

IT’S LIKE A HORROR MOVIE DOWN THERE!

IT’S LIKE BRUNCH IS COMING OUT OF MY VAG!!! (this is a bloody Mary reference)

IT’S LIKE A KETCHUP BOTTLE EXPLODED IN MY PANTIES!!!

IT’S LIKE I’M BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!!

Please feel free to tell me one of yours. It just doesn’t work well to have a 13-year-old-boy sense of humor and then have something so mature happen to me. I feel like I’m not grown-up enough to handle this. Because it’s been a long time. Seriously. I had a 3-day period in January, besides that, I haven’t had one for years. Years!!! Thanks to progesterone-only pills and depo (DO NOT TAKE DEPO, if you’re on it right now GET OFF, it’s SOOOO bad). Anyway, it’s sort of like I’m going through puberty all over again. I even have zits. Plenty and plenty of zits. I don’t know how many of you remember me in junior high–but damn–it’s not quite that bad, but it’s getting there.

One day balance will come.

I just have to let all the weird hormones release from my system.

Taking the month off was really good for me. I remember reading this article about women who take birth control being attracted to a different kind of man then when not on birth control (because of hormone changes). And how many times these couples end up getting married, then the woman gets off the birth control and discovers she’s not so into the guy like originally thought. Yikes. That would be awful. I’m just curious the type of guy I’m going to start being attracted to now that the hormones are closer to being out of my system. Will it be a John Wayne type or will it a James Franco type (like it has always been). Either way I’d like the person to be rich.

Perhaps June will be full of me going to expensive bars trying to find a sugar daddy.

No, no, no. I still have too much writing to do.





Let the Count Down Begin.

20 05 2012

Manless May Power Round.

A few things I’ve realized.

1. I’m still talking to guys too much. I’m stopping this. For the last 12 days I will initiate no conversation. If a dude talks to me, I won’t be rude, but there will be no assertiveness in keeping communication going on my part.

2. I have less friends in Denver than I thought. I was dating so much since moving here I didn’t realize how many people I don’t have to just hang out with. I felt much busier because dates filled up so many of my days. How silly of me. I think it’s going to take even more time for me to get into a good habit, but I’d like to channel all of that free (non-dating) time into writing more.

3. I could be writing more.

4. Much more.

5. My new boyfriend is David Foster Wallace (never mind that he’s dead).

6. Soon, this guy I work with and I are going to have a “phone number” contest, in which we go out and compete to see who can get the most (legitimate) numbers. Most likely he will win because he’s been reading The Game and we’re going to a Goth Bar, of which, I will not fit in. Does anyone else think it’s fucked up that there are “pick-up artists” out in the world that use specific techniques to lure women into falling for them? I’m going to read this book and figure out exactly what they’re doing so I can be on the look-out. I’ve read several of these types of books already for a paper I wrote back in grad school, and yet, they keep coming out. Maybe I should write a counter-book. Like, How To Avoid Pick-Up Artists, Bug-a-Boos and Assholes.

7. I’m spending too much time at work. I am up at 6 in the morning to go learn more about dildos. Seriously. Good thing I took May off, I don’t have time for anything else.





Jealousy is Just Love and Hate at the Same Time.

14 05 2012

It’s Monday. That means I’m exactly HALF WAY through Manless May. So, it’s time for another update. Is there a reason why guys seem to like me more this month? Is it because they know deep down that I will never allow it to happen? Thus a part of them wants to be the one to “break” me, while another part of them secretly doesn’t want anything to really happen either.

I was really hoping my period would start some time. But, since there is nothing medically wrong–according to all the tests I’ve had done–I guess I should just embrace it and be happy that I don’t have to deal with it for a little longer. I know people have a hard time accepting menstruation as a beautiful thing but I actually like the cyclical effects of it. I like how one’s body literally discards negative energy. A mini-death every month. It’s good for us.

I’ve realized that the further away a guy is the more crushable he becomes and I finally figured out why– because it’s safe. I don’t have to worry about changing my schedule, adjusting to another persons’s habits, or worst of all-falling in love, because they are all conveniently out of reach. I can flirt from a far in a fun, non-commital type of way. I can’t decide if this is healthy or harmful. I’m going to go with healthy. Because it’s a way for me to ease back into the concept of being in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. I can test my own boundaries and discover not only what I need, but what I want from other people.

The theory is that it takes half the amount of time out of a relationship to be completely (or almost entirely) healed from that relationship ending. I tend to move a lot faster than most people, so I’m guess instead of two and half ish years it’s going to take me one and half, which means, I am nearly half way there. To be perfectly honest, it was more a bruise to the ego than an actual heartbreak. And I feel it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to jump back into something just to be “in something.” Seems like many people are afraid of loneliness. But just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you’re not alone. Or the opposite. How does that really bad song go– “doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.” Either way. Being fulfilled by one’s self is the only way to be healthy, both in and out of relationships, which is why I’m focusing on me this month and not men.

Though, it seems like I’m still focusing a lot on men, which is frustrating. For example, this guy at work professes his love for me every day. I find this ridiculous. He’ll be talking about dates he has planned and he’ll say something like, “I’ll cancel all my dates this week, just to take you out once.” Silly things like that. It’s like, I know you can’t possibly be in love with me because you know nothing about me. All you know is that we work together and I have awesome dance moves to 90’s pop songs. That’s it. And then what? We go on a date and it’s like that episode where Lisa FINALLY goes out with Screech and Screech ends up not liking Lisa anymore and that whole running gag ends. Work would become awkward. Either way. If we ended up hitting it off or we didn’t. So, why even bother? Also, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not “me” he “loves” but what I represent. The allure of being with someone at work, when there are strict regulations against that type of behavior. We’re not even supposed to be friends with each outside of work, let alone date. And I don’t want to get fired. I actually like my job. Even though the pay is shit and sometimes really REALLY skanky methed-out people with attitude problems come in (but that’s everywhere right?).

Wasting my time on guys when I should be reading. Or writing. Or learning arithmetic (since I still suck at it). I obviously still have some self-esteem issues to work through. Though I understand that I often weigh my worth on whether or not other people like me, I still cannot stop myself from doing it. It’s sort of like having psychic powers where one can foretell the future but can do nothing to change it. I’m sure there is something I could do, but it probably costs a lot of money and psychiatric care. Or prozac. See, I understand theoretically that my worth is not based on other people’s opinions of me, but it would be a lie to say that I don’t, in reality, consider their opinions more than I should.

Anyway. I could go on and on, but I’m having a writing party today! Finally after like 2 years (holy cow!) someone new is going to start critiquing my work (and vice versa), so excited! For sure getting it together, slowly, but surely.





5 Randoms: Sexy Swedish Fish Teardrops.

3 05 2012

1.) There was a free box at work today (free box hahaha) and I picked out this hair trimmer that came with all these designs a person could “shave” onto themselves. So, I tried to shave a tear drop on my crotch. That’s right, a tear drop because I’m sad. Now I’m even more sad because it didn’t work and now southland is just a mess.

2.) But, it’s a good month to explore weird hair arrangements since no one is going to see what’s going on down there. 2 days going strong!

3.) So. I made some enemies at work. These dancers came in the other night and pointed at a dress; this was our convo:

Them: “Is that the only one left?”

Me: “Yes.”

Them:”How much does it cost?”

Me: “I don’t know, let me look at the price tag.”

Them: “What, are you like new here?”

Me: “Well, I don’t memorize the price of everything in the store.”

Them: *roll eyes at each other*

Me: “$39.99”

I walk away.

Them whispering loud enough for me to hear: “Someone’s in a baaaad moooood.”

Uggh… I didn’t mean for it to come out sounding rude, but it was a pretty dumb question. I mean, is it impossible for people to look at the price tags themselves? Do they really think we know what EVERYTHING in the store is priced at?

They came back today and told the other girl that they hated me. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Making friends left and right.

4.) So I was looking for an image of a teardrop and I forgot that people get those tattooed on their faces to indicate they’ve murdered someone. If I get a tattoo of a tear drop on my crotch does that mean I fucked someone’s brains out and they’re now DEAD??? Because it should. Not that I have, but maybe I’ll try that next May, it will be Man-Full May and I’ll go around like a sex addict and try to murder men with my kung-pow vag clutch power. That sounds really gross. I am a gross person.

5.) Why do I keep eating candy? Someone make me stop! Seriously, I’ve asked this before, does anyone want to take control of my life for a week? It’s like dominating me without dominating me. I mean, like you can’t beat me or anything you just get to tell me what to do. It would probably get really tiring but maybe you’re a weirdo and that would be fun for you. The safe word is swedishfish and you can control me until I eat them all, wait, too late.





5 Randoms: Mostly About Vibrators.

2 05 2012

1.) I accidentally bought decaf coffee from the store. Perhaps if I had had coffee prior to buying it I would have noticed. I finally found my stash of emergency coffee in the cupboard, it’s pretty late to be drinking coffee, but I’m going to do it anyway!!! Yeah for being sleepy all day but awake all night.

2.)  I’m thinking about what I want to write next. My roommate told me I should write about my year of dates. I’m thinking about doing that but turning it into erotic fiction instead, so I’ll use my dates as a base but then elaborate them and make them better than they really were. The next 50 Shades. . .  but better.

3.) I want to do something grand. Or maybe something just great. Like go on a vacation somewhere I’ve never been. Or write a story that actually gets published.  A minor success would be a major achievement in my book. I think I just need to read more until I can figure it all out.

4.) I wish people would stop buying jelly vibrators. STOP BUYING JELLY!!! Don’t put toxins inside your body when you don’t have to. *sigh*

5.) Man-less May starts today. Who’s excited about this? No one? No one. Exactly.