Top 5 Sex, Sex, and No Sex: Tips, Tricks, and Troubles.

9 10 2012

I’ve had a bizarre week full of sex workshops, conferences, bar talk and strange dates. Here’s just a tidbit of all of that.

1.) More from Blow Him Away.

This book is full of exercises to strengthen the mouth, lips, and tongue. One of my favorites is to pretend I have peanut butter on my mouth and then lick it off. To add variety one can also try to take the peanut butter off with their lips. The book says to “pretend” to have peanut butter, but since I am constantly eating peanut butter any way, I do it for real! Watch out boys. Muahaha.

2.) Penis Push-Ups.

Women can exercise their pc (pubococcygeus) muscles by just contracting and releasing them or by using kegel balls, but I recently learned how men can also exercise theirs. This is a Porn Star Trick: all they need to do is take a dry washcloth, put it on top of their penis and try to lift the washcloth up and down. Once they’ve accomplished this trick, they can wet the washcloth for additional weight. Then they can move up to a hand towel. Having strong pc muscles makes for stronger longer better orgasms and it helps with urinary and fecal incontinence. Yay being healthy!

3.) Squirt—Not Just a Delicious Soda.

I was at this workshop on female ejaculation. I thought it was going to be all encompassing– giving physical tips and tricks as well as discussing more intimate connections regarding it – but no. That’s not really what happened. It was very much more hippie-dippie than that. They called their vulvas yonis and talked about letting the “goddess juice flow.” Yeah. And then we had to get into groups and discuss our feelings and experiences regarding the whole thing.

Awkward is not quite the word. It was more awkward than awkward.

The worst part is that when I talked about my perspective the people in the group made me feel very uncomfortable. I believe it was because they were quite a bit older than me. And they could not imagine a woman being able to ejaculate with someone who they did not have an intense intimate connection with. They looked at me with sadness. Or like they felt sorry for me or something. Which really pissed me off.

What the fuck old people?

I feel like our generation is different. And I’m curious if we’re missing something in regards to the sex world or if the reason why I was basically the youngest person there is because most people my age don’t need to go to those things?

I can’t figure it out.

I do know plenty of people who at least discuss relationship dynamics and sexuality on a regular basis, but is the format for us more intimate, more one-on-one, less workshoppy? Are workshops for losers?

If this is an area I’m interested in should I turn more toward the social media route? It’s really difficult because it’s a road I’d like to walk down, but if it’s going to be filled with unattractive hippies who hug for too long I think I may want to change my direction and go for another line of work.

4.) Leading the Way.

I was out with some friends and one happens to be a 4th year med student surgeon. We were discussing items that are most commonly retrieved from the anal canal. The #1 thing he says that he sees–hot wheels. Hot wheels! From middle-aged men. Now, this I found to be too intriguing. What’s the deal with that? Is it some sort of revenge on their children? Hahaha!

“I stuff this toy of yours up my butt and now you’re going to play with it!”

Or some other sort of link between sexuality and childhood. Perhaps their first boner they remember getting was while playing with the cars and now they have some fetish for them?

Vroom Vroom.

All I know is that I now what to make anal plugs shaped like cars.

5.) To Kiss or Not to Kiss.

I’ve gone out with this guy a few times but there has been no physical contact. They’re always dates, but then they end anti-climatically. Maybe it’s me. I seem to be attracting a lot of celibate guys lately. It’s disturbing me in so many ways. Will I have to get back on ok cupid? Please Goddess I pray not! I really am not sure what I’m supposed to do here. This is the first time in my life where not just one, but two guys are confusing the heck out of me. I told my friend earlier today that winter is just around the corner, perhaps it’s time for me to hibernate my heart.

Advertisements




5 Randoms: My Walk is as Cheap as my Heels.

25 07 2012

1) Along with my regular workout, which is basically just running around the park followed by some sit-ups and push-ups, I have now incorporated not only KEGEL BALLs to strength my PC muscles (more, stronger, better orgasms + no pee leaking in old age) I’ve also started wearing high heels for like 20 minutes every day. High heels are hard. Walking anywhere in them is my biggest issue considering I have one of the fastest walks on the planet and when I add heels it cuts my time in half. Sad. Why am I concerned with heels?

I’m not necessarily concerned with them. But sometimes my work sells them for really cheap and I feel compelled to buy them, but there really is no point on owning them if I’m not going to wear them.

I got these purple heels for under five dollars. Aren’t they cute?

2.) Not too many super weird things have happened at work lately. Though the other day this guy asked me if we sold the nuva-ring. There was a lesbian couple standing at the counter checking out and I sort of looked at them like, “is this guy serious?” then turned to him and said, “the nuva-ring, like the birth control device? Like the thing you wear for three weeks full of hormones that you need a prescription for?”

He was like, “uugghh yeah, I think that’s what it’s called.”

Do we look like Planned Parenthood? Do any of us look like medical professionals? No dude. No.

3) July has been a lot like Manless May without the catch phrase.

4) I leave for Chicago very early tomorrow morning. I’m mostly excited to see all my lovely Chicago friends + ride the el + dip in the lake + drink martinis at the kit kat + be in a city where not EVERYONE knows my name. Seriously, Denver, you’re too small.

5) Yes, people, I’m thinking about moving out of here; if you have any suggestions, I’m open.