Chicago Guys: Get Your Game Together.

30 07 2012

Top 5 Game Fails

1.) So the first bar my friend and I go to in Lincoln Square is pretty dead. Mostly just old dudes drinking, watching the end of the opening ceremonies. We sit at a table. We play naked-man-match-game on the bar’s computer. We make comments about the countries walking around the track. One of my friends comments reaches the ears of a man, he turns and says something to us. We do the weird half smirk smile thing girls do when they’re trying to be polite but don’t really want anything to do with said guy. He comes over any way. He has no teeth. Okay, okay. He has a few teeth, towards the back of his mouth, but the one’s in the front are like not there at all, or they’re like small stubs where teeth used to be.

He looks like he’s 60 + but we discover he’s only 42.

Anyway, this old looking guy with no teeth says to my friend, “Oh, I got excited. You look like this other woman I know, but she has an adam’s apple.

Good game buddy, good game.

I didn’t hear this comment. I sent texts to people about this creeper at our table so creeper would realize that I was completely ignoring him and wanted him to not feel invited. I should have just told him to go away, but I knew it would come out super mean and then I’d feel like I needed to leave the bar. Should have done it anyway.

2.) We eventually do leave that bar (after I barely win competing in the longest game of darts ever). And we go to this much more packed establishment. There is no where to sit and not really anywhere to stand either. These dudes invite us to sit at their table. We agree because we’re kind of in the way and we don’t really have much choice. One guy originally appears cuter than the other guy, but then I notice his shifty jaw and his inability not to do impressions of annoying actors named Jerry: Seinfield, Springer etc.

They inform us almost immediately that they are libertarians. I don’t know exactly what my friend talked about with the Shifty-Jaw Guy, but the other one guy, we’ll call him “Old Wise One” talked my ear off, saying the most ridiculous shit about how we should live like we did in 1875 and every other stereotypical things libertarians are always saying.

Finally we leave and we’re standing outside the bar figuring out what to do next and “Old Wise One” runs to his apartment smokes a quick bong hit and runs back just to give us a copy of his terribly written political comic book. It is not funny in any way. Pretty sure he was high through all of it and has no idea what humor to non-stoned people actually reads like. Anyway. Some weird conversation between the two guys go down and “Old Wise One” tells us to email him our thoughts and he’ll catch us later. Shifty Jaw stays with us.

3.) While sitting at their table this random asian dude in an Ed-Hardy-esque shirt and slicked back hair comes up just to tell me that I am “incredibly sexy.” I should have just left to talk to him because I doubt HE was a libertarian.

4.) ┬áMy friend and I decide to walk to this other bar. The bar isn’t necessarily that close, but not that far away either. Shifty Jaw hails a cab for us anyway. We didn’t really care about the cab but we’re like, whatever. We get to the next bar and my friend takes out some money to split the cab with the guy. The guy makes her pay for the whole thing. WTF. We get into the bar. He orders a drink and then goes to the bathroom. I have to go to the bathroom too and my friend is just returning from it, so I say to her, “DO NOT pay for our drinks. He needs to pay since he bailed out on the cab.” She pays anyway. WTF.

Then, eventually, though he’s been talking to her all night, he comes up to me and says, “So, you want to come home with me tonight?”



You’ve been a cheapskate, you’ve ignored me the entire time, you’ve made IMPRESSIONS all night and yet you think just by asking me I’m supposed to say yes? Fuck off dude.

I say, “Why would I do that when you’re obviously into my friend,” (amongst other issues).

He replies, “Well, she has a boyfriend.”

Ugh. Unbelievable.

“Well, No. Is the answer to your question. No. Now leave me alone.”

5.) I get away from Shifty Jaw and am picking out music on the jukebox. This bald guy comes over and he’s actually funny or I’m drunk, I don’t know it’s like 3 in the morning. Somehow I end up making out with him for like one minute. Maybe it’s because all the other guys have made such bad impressions (literally and otherwise). Either way. After that minute he says to me, “Wow. You’re a really good kisser.”

I look at him and say, “I know. You, not so much.”

I smile, like maybe I am joking, I, of course, am not joking. Not that he is “bad” but he is by far not “really good.”

Anyway, he still gets my number even though I tell him he’s never going to call me. And he never does.

Let the Count Down Begin.

20 05 2012

Manless May Power Round.

A few things I’ve realized.

1. I’m still talking to guys too much. I’m stopping this. For the last 12 days I will initiate no conversation. If a dude talks to me, I won’t be rude, but there will be no assertiveness in keeping communication going on my part.

2. I have less friends in Denver than I thought. I was dating so much since moving here I didn’t realize how many people I don’t have to just hang out with. I felt much busier because dates filled up so many of my days. How silly of me. I think it’s going to take even more time for me to get into a good habit, but I’d like to channel all of that free (non-dating) time into writing more.

3. I could be writing more.

4. Much more.

5. My new boyfriend is David Foster Wallace (never mind that he’s dead).

6. Soon, this guy I work with and I are going to have a “phone number” contest, in which we go out and compete to see who can get the most (legitimate) numbers. Most likely he will win because he’s been reading The Game and we’re going to a Goth Bar, of which, I will not fit in. Does anyone else think it’s fucked up that there are “pick-up artists” out in the world that use specific techniques to lure women into falling for them? I’m going to read this book and figure out exactly what they’re doing so I can be on the look-out. I’ve read several of these types of books already for a paper I wrote back in grad school, and yet, they keep coming out. Maybe I should write a counter-book. Like, How To Avoid Pick-Up Artists, Bug-a-Boos and Assholes.

7. I’m spending too much time at work. I am up at 6 in the morning to go learn more about dildos. Seriously. Good thing I took May off, I don’t have time for anything else.