Well, This is Embarrassing.

30 10 2012

Last night I met up with this guy, who theoretically should be a really good match. He also has two masters degrees, is vegan, hates sports, etc. but just because you have basics in common doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll fall in love, or even like the person.

The encounter didn’t go so well. For one thing he was indecisive, which drives me nuts. Being the all-time assertive one in the relationship is not something I want. I’ve done that before. For many years in fact, and I’m over. I am perfectly fine with making some of the decisions, but I don’t think I should be responsible for doing it every time, all the time.

That wasn’t really the problem. Though it irritated me. And because I was irritated I got really bored and tired before he even showed up.

Finally, he did.

Then we got into this argument about how to have a conversation.

Or, more importantly, he asked me to, “tell him an embarrassing story.”

And I wasn’t in the mood.

He claimed that either 1.) Nothing ever embarrassing has ever happened to me (which would mean I’m some sort of cyborg alien human hybrid) or 2) It would have to be so embarrassing as to not want to share (which would have been completely acceptable, had that been the reason.)

I of course went with the cyborg alien human hybrid response.

Because I agree that embarrassing things have happened to me, but at the time I couldn’t think of anything worthy of story-telling. Yeah, I’ve tripped, I’ve farted at in-opportune times, I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth, but everyone has done those things. Thus, I don’t find them embarrassing. Or suitable for discussion.

I’m beginning to think I really do have something wrong with me. Perhaps it’s just basic nihilism –I don’t care if I do something awkward–I’m not existing on this planet to impress people.

At some point he said, “oh, nothing embarrassing, so are you a virgin?,” piggy-backing off a previous conversation that also didn’t go so well. As if having sex is embarrassing. Of course it is, but just like being caught with your zipper down, it’s happened to everyone. Thus, who cares?

Therein lies the main issue here– who cares. Obviously not me. This highlights why I should just stop meeting people entirely. He also implied that I was boring. At the time I would entirely agree with that. I was being boring. It was nice to be called out on it. A critical examination of my terrible dating skills. No wonder I’ve gone on so many.

And no wonder I feel it’s time for me to overhaul my personality. I don’t really know what that means or how it looks, but whatever I’ve got going on for me right now is clearly not working. For me. Or for anyone I’m meeting. So. I guess I just need to be a different person. Maybe a person who cares, who gets embarrassed, who can expose vulnerability and be okay with herself after it.

 

If not, whatever, nihilism hasn’t killed me yet.

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10 Randoms: Slow and Fast Recovery.

24 10 2012

1.) It’s weird when the world around you keeps going and all you want to do is sleep.

2.) When I’m sick, I realize I often use the wrong words, like I’ll write “told” instead of “so” or “my” instead of “me” etc.

3.) I’m feeling better. But am I feeling better enough to dress up like a panda for work?

4.) I need more focus. I think I need to hire a life coach.

5.) Or I need to read that book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It’s on my to-do list. . . well, not yet, once I figure out where I put my to-do list I will put it on there.

6.) I’ve also come to discover that if I feel like something isn’t good enough just as what it is, I always make it into something more. For example, my job. All the stories and weirdness and lack of monetary gain cannot be kept secret, thus I’m turning it into a tv show. Sure, these first drafts probably suck ass but at least I’m doing something with it. Same goes for my dating life. There is a slight chance that with in the next few months I will be exposing it to the world. But you won’t know it’s me, so don’t worry.

7.) Oh dating. Sort of glad I got sick so I could take a break from that. Maybe it happened just for that very reason.

8.) There really are a lot of people in the world who I find not very attractive. I’m not saying that they are unattractive, just that I don’t find them attractive. I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel the same way about me.

9.) I started watching Sons of Anarchy as per suggested by a friend, the only reason I keep watching it is because of this guy. My new boyfriend.

Meow.

10.) I’m pretty sure I am the only person on earth who has such an eclectic taste in who I’m attracted to, even though I’m so not attracted to so many people. But there are a lot of people in the world. I’m just saying, based off of my recent record of dating, no one could pinpoint a type for me. Seriously though, that guy minus the facial hair would be my #1 go-to. And yeah, then, Jake Gyllenhaal. You hear that Jake, you’ve been demoted.





Look Who’s Talking.

12 10 2012

Talk is hard.  Not small talk. Not even gossip or philosophical talk. But “feelings” talk. My family and I have never been the best at communicating how we feel. If someone upset us, we’d just keep it bottled in, holding small grudges until they exploded into, on occasion, family feuds. And more often than not, resentment.

The whole, “I feel ____” is actually difficult for me to say out loud. It has taken a lot of practice on my part, but I try to do it. I’m trying to do it. Because though it often makes me feel anxious, I know when it’s over I’m going to feel much better that whatever is going on between me and another person is clear. Clarity and honesty. Boundaries. Understanding. It’s very nice to have that between people, though it is more often never discussed out loud.

Why is talking about this stuff so difficult? Is it because we become vulnerable when we tell another person what we want/need? Is it because we’re afraid we’ll hurt someone else’s feelings?

If a situation happened and I pissed someone off and they didn’t express their anger to me but then a year later when I did something else that upset them they just burst out a long laundry list of everything I’ve ever done that’s irritated them, I’d think I’m be more hurt by that then if they just said right away, “Krystal, I feel frustrated when _____.” Because if I’m doing something wrong I’d want to fix it. I think most people feel this way right?

But still, I think that this type of communicating has to be made into a habit. It has to be practiced. Just like every other healthy way of living.

Okay, why am I blabbering about this today? Last night this guy I’ve been kind of seeing off and on for the last monthish and I “Friend-Zoned,” each other and I think we both came out of it just fine. It wasn’t awkward. We simply discussed it. We didn’t stop texting each other or simply avoiding one another. And now we can continue to hang out and it not be weird. Well, it might be weird, but only because both of us are weird, not that being around each other would be weird for either of us.

And yeah, with the new friend-zone, it’s back to the dating board. How thrilling for the world! I think I just need to meet a nice Jewish boy.  Or a sugar daddy. Or both!

Yeah, my friend was right about writing an encyclopedia on dating instead of just a book. But I’m thinking maybe I could do a tetralogy series, a book for each season of the year! It’s the new trilogy! It will be like 50 Shades + Twilight  + Harry Potter + Game of Thrones all mixed into one. But nothing like those at all! Sign up now for an advanced-copy!

 

 

(How does that make you feel?)





Letting Go of What I Know I Should Not Want.

7 09 2012

I have come to realize that I am attracted to and desire that in which I cannot have. In regards to people, particularly. It is unfortunate for them because it happens to not be the person I am attracted to, but the challenge of getting said person to do what I want. When there appears to be more obstacles the more attracted I am. Perhaps it’s because I do not have any clear life goals right now, so channeling that into something simple, like my love life, has become the norm. I know this is not healthy. I am completely aware that the very person I most want to be with is the one person I should not be with in reality. And yet, the desire will not fade, even if every logical and sensible thought (and friend) begs me to stop.

I can’t decide if this psychological issue is based around a feeling of low self-worth; like I want to be with this particular drama-surrounded person to 1.) distract me from my own drama 2.) try to fix said drama 3.) not actually be with said person but continually go after it because I deep down do not actually want to let a relationship into my life.

Probably all of the above and more.

I know what’s best. I am aware of what I should do. But knowing and should-ing aren’t necessary paths I will follow.

It’s as if completely cognizant of my intentions to walk into a burning building knowing that it’s not only going to be hot it could potentially kill me and yet, there I go.

How can I force myself to stop and turn the other way?

I must acknowledge that I cannot get everything I want. And by accepting the fact that I did not win this game I did in fact win, because the person wasn’t what I wanted as much as the desire to succeed at the challenge. And that’s just downright stupid for so many reasons that I hope are apparent.

Why is my head so wrapped up in this person? When there are so many other beautiful people with less baggage existing in the world? Some sort of mindfuck manipulation had to have happened. And I’m finally snapping out of it.

I really do have that problem where when people tell me “no” I will want to do it even more. Seems like a very immature personality trait. I’d like to get rid of it.

So I guess, it’s best to start now.

Today.

With this guy.

I can’t have him. Fine. I won’t.

I’m moving on. I will distract myself with other people until he just fades away into an after-thought. It’s really the best choice, for everyone.

See, it’s already starting to get better.





Yay to Self-Analysis with No Self-Help!

8 08 2012

I went on a date last night with a certified nerd. We started talking about Harry Potter and about how someone I know owns a cape and a wand based off the movies. He admitted to owning a wand himself and then he asked if there was anything I was really into.

I thought about it for a second and said “no, I like to keep everything equally distant from me so nothing can ever break my heart.”

At the time we just laughed about it, but the more I think about it, the more depressed I become.

And it’s not like being really into Harry Potter or Star Wars or Comic Books could break a person’s heart, which is why nerds are into that stuff anyway, but the things that I used to be really into actually can and do.

The only things I’ve ever really collected (besides a troll obsession in 2nd grade) have been ideas—feminism, veganism, existentialism, socialism, theoretical approaches to race, class, sexuality, freedom. The more one learns the more painful life becomes. Seeing through the fabric that keeps America clothed is rather frightening and sad.

Maybe that’s why for the past two years I’ve kept my distance. Maybe that distance is why I haven’t accomplished anything with my life. Maybe feeling like I need to accomplish something is just another layer of societal guilt keeping me in this constant state of push-pull.

Maybe I need to quit going on dates.

That’s a big one right there. If I responded with, “I like to keep everything equally distant,” it’s really obvious I should not be dating. I am not capable of letting anyone in. It would be almost impossible to develop any sort of meaningful relationship with me because the entire time I’d just be waiting for the moment in which it all fell to shit. Because it will.

Yeah yeah, many people probably want to respond with, “but just enjoy it while you can,” or “if you found the right person. . . .”

blah.

I am not capable of being in a meaningful relationship. It has been concluded. That is the final decision.

And with that I give up.

I would like to find an obsession. I would like to really be into something. But I don’t want to allow anything that much power over me. I want to be able to walk away if I need to. I need to be able to walk away when I have to.





Why I’m Not Having Sex (with you).

28 03 2012

I just got an email from Health.com that read, “10 Reasons Why You’re Not Having Sex” and I’d just like to point out that they are wrong. Those are not the 10 reasons why I’m not having sex.

These are the 10 reasons I’m not having sex.

1.) I am alone.

Currently I am living the single life. I know this doesn’t usually stop people, but lately I haven’t really felt like giving it up to randoms.

2.) My bed is too comfortable.

I sleep diagonally and I really don’t want anyone to ruin that for me.

3.) My lack of meds is turning me into a crazy person.

I went off birth control at the beginning of October and it’s turned me a little nutty. Mood swings, up and down desires, zits, emotional roller-coasters, fun times such as that. I’m glad that I’m getting it out of my system but since my period isn’t regular yet, I don’t want to add any one else to my potential “baby-daddy” list right now.

4.) My not-very-busy life-style. 

I am boring. The end.

5.) I am too sexy.

The article talked about body-image issues and you know what, I’m tired of that excuse. We all have our hang-ups. There are things I don’t like about my body (depending on the lighting) but I accept my body and I try to take care of it–and if that’s not good enough for someone else than they don’t deserve to enjoy it.

6.) I’m addicted to my vibrator! 

Well, not yet, because I just got it last night. But I could be very soon and I’m okay with that. It’s safer, more reliable, we don’t have to talk about anything, I can change the speed and pulsation at a click of a button, it fits in a drawer, it’s a one-time purchase that will last me for years without any arguments. So yeah, addicted–no, but I don’t see the problem with it being my source of orgasm as opposed to some stranger I could pick up at a bar (and then not even get off with).

7.) I smell.

Maybe people just aren’t attracted to my pheremones or my hairy armpits.

8.) I’m a cyborg!

Part of the problem is that I spend too much time online and not enough time in the real world. Sure, I have plenty of online dating messages, but none of them ever seem to pan out, even after we meet. Perhaps online dating creates too much pressure, or it just feels forced, or the connection is just never there.

9. Crushed-Out.

I can’t decide if I have a crush on this one particular person or if I actually do not. If I do then I’m going about it all wrong. If I don’t than it’s all fine and dandy. I don’t know if this is necessarily preventing me from having sex, but it’s in the back of my mind when I meet other people. Not that I care to ever be monogamous again, but developing a stronger relationship with some people over others is still a priority for me-if said person is worth that stronger development.

I know that I shouldn’t have a crush on this person because we’re actually probably not a very good fit. We each have other more compatible people out there in the world for us. But I can’t help it. And it’s sad to me when a crush fades so maybe I’m just trying to hold onto that feeling because I like the feeling, not because the crush is ever going to develop into anything.

10.) I am lazy (and picky) 

Sex takes a lot of effort and energy and time and care and consideration. And I don’t think I have much of any of that right now. So. Besides my on-going affair with Tango I plan to stay sex-free for awhile.

So take THAT Health.com I don’t need to do it with anyone else to be happy and content and fulfilled. I mean, yes, it could be nice, COULD be, but I’m not going to get all worried about it if it’s not happening with anyone. I’ll just be happy and content and fulfilled with myself.





5 Random Thoughts: Cock Blocked by Cocks Blocked.

27 03 2012

1. Hot Hot Hot

So I was looking through craigslist job postings and I came across an ad for bikini barista. I do not understand. Why does anyone need bikinis with their coffee? And what woman would want to be nearly nude serving scalding hot beverages every day? Sounds like disaster waiting to happen. Do dudes really need boobs so early in the morning? Want a boner on your way to work? Sure, why not, boners go great with hazelnut lattes. I’m going to open a bar where guys have to stir ladies drinks with their dicks (with condoms on of course) because you know, like, it would be a huge success. Ugh. Wait. Not.

2. Zzzzzz

Speaking of snakes. Last night I had another weird dream. This time a certain ex “accidentally” let this incredibly huge snake out of its cage and the snake attempted to attack me with its fanged mouth. I caught said snake and held it by its head so it couldn’t poison me, but it kept writhing and spazing and squirming. The craziest thing was that it was rainbow colored and also like a hybrid cobra/viper because along with trying to bite me it also attempt to wrap its body around my arm. The ex just kept running around trying to find something to kill it with, he never found anything, then I woke up.  (So many things to analyze here!)

3. Men Suck but it’s because of Women, duh

A facebook friend posted this article, 5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women. Most of it I agreed with, but by the end I felt that the entire thesis was: men hate women because women actually have more power than men because men can only think about sex. And that’s why men do EVERYTHING because they’re trying to impress women and get laid. I feel that the article, in a way, was trying to make men’s domination excusable. And I can’t agree with that. I also don’t believe all that men think about is sex and everything they do– learn guitar, become CEOs, play sports, etc– is related entirely to impressing the opposite sex. That makes men seem to lack complexity and I don’t that that’s a fair interpretation. Sure, the media/society helps constructs certain ideals and social behaviors, but that same media is generally run by men, so it’s really their fault these ideas are still so entrenched in our society. Perhaps it’s not about impressing women so much as staying in power and allowing women to stay sex object trophies. Why anyone would want that, I have no idea.

4. Too Shy or Maybe I’m Not Fly

It’s sort of a weird transition because it actually goes against everything that article was about, but I’ve been thinking about it for awhile now. In truth, I’ve been analyzing it since becoming newly again single after 5.5 years. Perhaps I’m going to the wrong places and meeting the wrong dudes but I feel every guy I’ve met I’ve had to initiate everything: conversation, phone number, dates, sexy time etc. Maybe it does relate to the #1 in the article when it talks about guys feeling that they’re told that they’re “owed a hot girl.” Everyone wants everyone to do all of the work; to be the assertor, to shower the other with compliments and prove that the other is desirable. This is a huge problem. Maybe our generation was raised with too much entitlement? But I’m finding it tiring to be the one who puts effort into asserting my likeness for another with very little reciprocation. Shared effort would be much appreciated. I don’t know, maybe it’s just that I’m not like-able enough.

(I probably just need this hat)

5. Oh, Oh, She’s Crafty

Having a job is weird. When I have days off now a part of me still feels guilty for not doing much, even though I’m at least now making a little bit of money.

When I have a day off I have to work at being content with how I spend that time and not stress that I didn’t get something done.

Perhaps this is a common problem? Many of us want to accomplish so many different things that when they’re not done by a certain day we feel guilty about it, which in turn can take even longer to get done because we allow the stress to take more of our time than it should. I don’t know. It’s just a theory. I have a billion different things I’m working on right now, but I’m just going to work on them as I feel like it and when they’re complete, they’re complete.