Love is Down to Zero.

14 06 2012

If I thought May was Manless it has nothing on June.

My fwb found girlfriends (yes that’s plural). My lust turned to dust–after a long-weekend road trip. Random unclear communication via facebook messenger ended a fizzling flame. And a certain person that I may or may not work with appears to be incredibly flakey and I’m pretty sure a secret pick-up artist. When I said, “I’m reading The Game,” he quickly expressed that he had “never heard of it.” Which makes me think he had not only heard of it, but read it and practices it. Because most people would just be like–The Game? What’s that about. If they had indeed never heard of it. But, maybe I’m just paranoid now. (More on The Game another day.)

So yeah, I purposely gave up men in May, but now they all seem to giving up on me. I have been considering re-inabling my online dating account because I feel alone and it’s easy to get attention that way.

I have no qualms admitting that I enjoy attention from other people; I do in fact need it, at least a little bit of it so as I justify my existence to myself–I know that’s not healthy but at least it’s honest.

My roommate said I have no idea how to be alone. Or something equal to that.

Yeah.

Fine.

That’s what I was trying to do in May. To learn how to be alone. And to be fine with it.

And I was fine with it. But I guess, I wasn’t really “alone” as I was still talking to guys all the time, I just wasn’t going out with them.

Now I’m doing neither.

AND I’M OKAY I SWEAR IT.

I’m just bored. I want people to talk to in a meaningful way. I want someone to watch netflix with. I want someone to occasionally sleep in my bed (I say occasionally because I still prefer to sleep at a diagonal and I am not willing to give that up.) I want someone to challenge me, to push me to be my best self–and I to them. I want someone to rub my feet after I’ve been standing on concrete for eight + hours a day. I want to someone to laugh at my really bad jokes, and occasionally dish one out too.

This list could end up being a novel so I’m going to stop there.

. . . . .

Fine people. Fine. I’ll be alone.

I’ll start working on my book for real.

Forget what I want in my personal life. I don’t need one of those any way. . . I mean, yes I want one, but I guess I just have to accept the fact that I don’t have the personality for it and become a hermit writer, just like I am destined to be but somehow keep avoiding.

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The Big Heart Reveal.

11 06 2012

At 4:30 in the morning most roads are clear. When the sun rises and the light bounces off the mountains it’s hard to think of a better way to wake up.

The trip down was supposed to take 6.5 hours. I got there in 5.5. I swear I went nearly the speed limit the whole time.

It was good to trust my instincts and go. The drive itself was worth it more than anything. I needed to find out if this was about love or lust and proceed accordingly. Either way I felt fear. I was afraid that if it was love, my life was about to get incredibly difficult. I was afraid that if it was about lust I had just wasted a good amount of time, energy, and money to figure that out.

But nothing was wasted necessarily.

Of course, the outcome wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but more than anything it was what I needed.

I needed to realize that it would never work. That there were too many flaws in the whole idea.

Maybe I went there all along subconsciously knowing I was going to look for these flaws because I needed to get over it.

Maybe it was always the logical choice.

Because if I didn’t go I wouldn’t be able to move on.

And now I can. Even though it is still sad. Though, not entirely.

I’m more relieved than anything. No longer in the state of in-between.

Back to the game, but I’m not jumping in full-force. Re-focusing my energy of my self–my body and mind.

New plan:

Find a favorite yoga class to go to once a week–body.

Write at length every day–mind.

New rule:

Boys come last.

I’m obviously searching for connections with other humans; but I fear I’ve been wanting it too badly. Must give up and allow it just to be. To arrive organically. And if it never does I guess I’ll just Emily Dickinson-it the rest of my life.





I’m Running Away. For Two Days.

9 06 2012

Or, going on a holiday, as the English say.

So. Most of you don’t know, due to the fact that I don’t like to talk about it–because as a “player” this is not something you’re supposed to blog about–if you want to keep playing.

But.

Maybe I don’t wanna be a playa’ any more?

(I’m not a playa I just crush alot.)

Here’s the deal.

I have a mega thang for someone who lives really far away.

And many of you are probably thinking… “that’s okay Krystal, you can move any where, you can do anything, because currently you aren’t doing shit with your life.”

Okay, so that is technically true. But the major issue is that the guy I’m mega-crushing out on is stuck in this certain small-scale city in the middle of nowhere for the next four years. No matter how pretty a guy is (Don Draper jaw-line), no matter how smart a guy is (AirForce Secret Stuff), no matter how funny/clever/witty a guy is (the next Michael Bluth) I refuse to make major life decisions revolving around men, a man, ever again. Because this is MY life and it shouldn’t, and it won’t be, dictated by a dick (no matter how. . . dick-y it is? hahaha).

So. Yeah. I really. REALLY like this guy… but it is not a logical or feasible relationship. It’s just going to lead to too much emotional and financial strain.

I’ve had my romantic friends (and family members) tell me to just go for, while my logical friends tell me to run the opposite direction. And for once in my life–I’m choosing non-logical romance! I’m forgetting the expense, forgetting the future inevitable depressing heartbreak, and just going to have a great time. It’s a little crazy, but we all need these kinds of experiences don’t we?

I mean, I don’t want to look back ten years from now and kick myself for not going while I had the chance. So tomorrow, bright and early, I am road tripping down to New Mexico where this beautiful bloke and I will spend roughly 24 hours together.

Then we will part.

Again.

And then I will go to Taos, explore for a day and perhaps have a magical spiritual experience.

We shall see. Either way, it is bound to be a good time.

Wish me love-luck!

See you upon the return.