9 Random Thoughts: New Year, Same Me

11 01 2018

Random Thoughts Are Back, You Are Welcome!

1.
Part of my New Year’s Resolution was to get shit done even if I have a hangover. Now, as I’m getting shit done with a hangover I wonder if I’m possibly not so great at making new year’s resolutions and resolve to make better ones next year, like resolving to take more naps.
2.
Turned on the news and they keep yammering on and on about some lost secret spy missile. It’s like the media doesn’t understand what ‘secret’ mean; sort of like how Trump doesn’t understand what “genius” means.
3.
So, I’ve watched the first two episodes of the new season of Black Mirror. I’ve read a lot of commentary that says this season is dull. I don’t find it dull, but I do find the stories thus far to have things occurring in them that I’ve either read or seen in other forms. For example, some of the elements felt very George Saunder-ish and it made me realize how few satirical television shows exist. That’s something that would be great to see, someone capable of pulling off the humor of satire without making it too dark or too slap-stickish.
4.
There’s been this dead squirrel on the sidewalk along the path that I run for at least a month now. I have witnessed it withering away day after day, as I too slowly shed pound after pound helping to prevent my entire withering away a little while longer, at least that’s the point, right? In any event, the squirrel barely resembles a squirrel anymore whereas I thankfully still resemble myself.

squirrel
5.
Remember when you were a kid and you’d ask a parent how to spell a word and they’d yell “look it up!” So you’d get the dictionary out but then couldn’t find the word because you didn’t know how to spell it? Yeah. I bet that doesn’t happen anymore because, technology.
6.
Speaking of technology, what I love most about watching Seinfeld now is how they seemed to all survive without cell phones just fine. In fact, a many good episodes were created out of the lack of this connection. It would not / could not ever be like that now.
7.
Yada yada yada.
8.
The best part of a hangover is the following day when you are no longer hungover and you feel more alive than ever before, I can’t wait until tomorrow.
9.
It’s amazing how few thoughts go through your head when you’re specifically trying to think about random thoughts. Just try it. It could be the new way to “meditate,” because the mind goes completely blank. It’s quite amazing actually. I now know what to do when I need to clear my head.

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7 Randoms: Sexy and Disgusting. Oh, and a Gyllenhaal.

10 09 2013

1. Sometimes I have secret competitions with myself that could be deemed disgusting by many humans. For example, lately I’ve been attempting to see how bad I can smell before I have to take a shower. It can get pretty raunchy, particularly after I go for a run around city park in the 80+ degree heat. Another example, I have a hole in the front of my underwear and I’m trying to see how many more times I can wear them before it completely tears in half.

2. I was watching American Ninja Warrior and I think it should be a requirement for the “ninjas” to compete shirtless. Like, why even watch it if I can’t watch their muscles working?

ninja

3. There’s this rumor that you’re most like the 5 people you spend most of your time with, so I finally get why I don’t hang out with anyone in real life since I spend most of my time with the crew from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

4. Jake Gyllenhaaal has a new movie coming out. I don’t even care what it’s about. Just like Prince of Persia, if he’s in it, I’m there– regardless of quality.jake gyllenhaal

(I mean look at that face!)

5. Today I went on my longest run so far in city park, which wasn’t really that far, a little less than four miles. My biggest problem isn’t leg cramps or trouble breathing or even boredom, my biggest problem(s) are my boobs. I’ve gotten to the point where I wear two sports bras and still by the end of it my nipples are like WTF!??!! are you doing to us!!? I’ve looked up how to stop this pain but nothing so far has seemed to work. I don’t want to stop, because I’ve become slightly addicted to the running, which is a much better addiction than like smoking or drinking–at least for the rest of my body. Remember that old song from the late 90’s about the detachable penis. . . I kind of want that with my breasts. I mean, they’re not that big, they don’t really get in the way or anything, I think they’re just getting rubbed the wrong way. And no one likes to be rubbed the wrong way.

6. Is anyone else tired of all the twerking? Can’t we go back to shaking our tail-feathers or something equally as corny?

twofunnybirds

7.  I have a few weird hairs growing on my chin. I wonder how long I can get them to grow before I feel the need to pluck them out?





Running Down Positivity

14 08 2013

My day started rather shitty as I had a blog all written up and ready to post and due to technological issues it disappeared. So, that threw me off as it felt like a big waste of my time and I was also pissed at myself for allowing amateur blogging mistakes to happen. So I went for a run and tried to change the energy. By the end of the run after dodging mud puddles and goose poop, after almost being hit by a car and then getting hollered at again, I was not feeling any better.

Then I realized I had to change my mindset because that’s the only way my outlook would improve.

So Here’s Everything I’m Thankful for Regarding My Run Today.

I have two legs.
I can for the most part breathe like a regular healthy human.
It’s fucking nice outside.
There’s a huge park right near my apartment.
I did not step in goose poop even though it was EVERYWHERE (at least I don’t think I did).
I did not get hit by that giant SUV, though they did come mighty close.
The guy who hollered at me wasn’t technically hitting on me, I don’t think.
Another guy walking his dogs asked me how my day was going, what a friendly neighborhood!
I have the time available due to my flexible work schedule to run and to run when hardly any one else is thus minimizing that weird passing interaction that always happens—do I look, do I not look?
There was one hot guy running, that’s always a bonus.
I looked at pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal earlier. Oh, and again just now, because I can.
I mean hot damn! Not many guys can pull off the “wet clothes” look.
There is this smell, it’s like a mixture of pine and wet grass and sunshine that hits me while I’m outside sometimes, that’s an amazing smell.
I am alive and mostly functioning.

jake_gyllenhaal_01

Wooh! Yay positivity. Fuck ya.

Also, side note, have you checked out any of my latest elephant journal articles? I’m trying to be the most popular writer on there because I like everyone to like me!

This one wasn’t very popular because it wasn’t about sex.





10 thoughts while on a run in cheesman park

23 07 2013

1. When people smoke pot do they end up consuming the same amount in food as a person who chooses to drink alcohol instead? Like if I got high and ate a whole bag of Doritos wouldn’t that be about the same as me drinking like 4 beers?

reefermadness

2. Standing at a red light. This weird guy watering his garden looks over at me, looks back at the garden, then sticks the hose in his mouth and starts drinking from it as if the hose is a giant cock ejaculating into his mouth and he really really likes the “water.” Was he trying to tell me something, like, “hey girl I see you, seeing me watering this garden, and I just want to let you know that I’ll never water yours. . .”????

3. Am I the only one who doesn’t quite know what to do when they pass another runner? Like I always want to check them out, regardless of age, gender, race, I want to check them out to see how fit they are, how heavy they’re breathing, how much they seem to be enjoying it or not. But yet, I feel that’s invasive. Like watching someone eat or purposely listening to someone go to the bathroom.

4. And then if the guy is obviously cute. What to do? Do you give them eye contact and hope they’re into sweating heavily breathing awkward girls or do you just keep looking straight ahead because you’re “intense about working out” and this “isn’t about them?”

5. Why do my shorts seem to always want to fall off and my shirt seems to always want to come up while I’m running, like what I want more than anything is to show off my perspiring beer belly.

6. I let me friend borrow my headphones so I’ve been running with no i-pod. Sometimes I like it because it gives me a chance to clear my head, other times I don’t because I can hear myself breathing and I start to freak out because I think that I’m breathing at a ridiculously creepy asthma inducing rate and that my heart is going to implode and I’m going to die right there in the park and all the homeless people and feral cats are going to eat me.

Feral_cats

7. I have always been adamant about sidewalk etiquette. For example, if you’re walking in a group and someone is coming the opposite way. . . half of the group moves to the right single file so others may pass easily. I don’t know why this is so difficult for people. (And I also include people with their dogs in this same category of proper sidewalk etiquette.)

8. Speaking of dogs, I just may get one when I move to my next apartment. I keep checking out other people’s dogs trying to figure out which breed, size, fur ratio, will be right for me. Obviously going to go to a shelter if I get one. Mutts. “Mutt” is a weird word. Mutts are almost always badass dogs.

9. I wonder if I’ll ever get really fat. Like unhealthily obese.

10. Plastic surgery turns everyone who has it into cyborgs. Well, technically, only those with implants or lap bands etc. where something is added to the body, not taken away.

lapband





5 Randoms: No Time on My Hands.

29 05 2012

1. ) Last night I was at a bar and these two women that my friend and I had been talking to for awhile said, “we just got engaged 4 days ago!” I just stared at them. Then, one of them said, “what do you think?” And I was like, “Personally, I don’t believe anyone should get married.” It was their turn to stare at me. So, I replied, “Well, my parents have been married forever and my grandparents have been married forever so it’s obvious it can last. As long as you’re doing it because it will make you both happiest.” They looked at each other, whispered something, and then left. I seriously don’t care if people want to get married but it doesn’t mean that I’m going to pretend to be ecstatic over something that I don’t give a shit about. Especially when I have never met you before and have no idea what kind of relationship dynamic you have.

2.) I was walking home this afternoon and along the way this guy steps sideways at me and points at his wrist asking the time. I looked him in the eyes and said, “no.” Is that how people get robbed? Even in broad daylight right by the bus stop. Alright, fine. Maybe I’m just an asshole, but who the fuck wears a watch anymore?

3.) Every time I go hiking I think, “I really need to do this more often.” Every time I go running I think, “I really need to start running longer.” Really I need to. I want to be one of those super fit people that I’m currently jealous of. I’d prefer people to be jealous of me than the other way around.

4.) And in a similar regard, I need to get a new hobby. A hobby unlike the solitary pursuit of writing. Perhaps I should join a running group. Or go to a yoga class–love hot yoga guys. The biggest issue with a new hobby is that my work schedule changes every week so if I start taking a class or something it could all get complicated.

5.) I’ve realized I’ve never done anything difficult in my life. Like every thing I’ve chosen has been the easy route. Sure I went to school for an exceptionally long time, but it was something I was familiar with. I need a challenge. Like a BIG one. Something with little goals along the way, but also something with a huge reward/payoff in the end. I need time to contemplate this one.





Dear Charlie: Fuck You.

10 05 2012

But Now I’m a Little More Fit. So, Ha!

I was awoken at 6 o’clock this morning by the ripping excruciating pain of a Charlie Horse throbbing in my leg.

So I did the most illogical thing I could think of.

I went for a run.

I actually think my act of defiance worked. It was a better decision then staying in bed and having another one. Also, it gave me some “me time” before going to work for eight hours, which is where I probably established the beginning workings of said cramp. Standing on concrete every day for eight hours will do that.

Plus, now I got my healthy stuff done for the day, I worked out, I meditated, I drank a smoothie with spinach in it and everything (sorry for the noise Emily). If life is about balance I wonder how I’m going to fuck all that up tonight. I did rent a Star Trek porn, so it will probably be that and some Jameson. Real classy.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a guy.

Not a man.

I feel like I was born into the right body and all that. But lately my masculine traits have been featured more in my day to day life. Am I transforming into a bro? For the love of the goddess help me.

Back to running. The thing is I like running, particularly in the morning, but I don’t like waking up in the morning. So there’s a problem there. I wish I could wake up every morning and run like super awesome healthy people do, and I know I COULD but sleeping is just so wonderful. I have motivation now. Sex.

Woah! woah! woah! You scream, “I thought this was MANLESS MAY!?!?!”

Don’t get your boxers in a bunch buddy.

It is.

But soon May will be over. And what better time then now, while I’m man-free to get sexy?

And by sexy, I mean sexier. And by sexier I mean improved endurance and definition.

Now, I know, there’s a lot of  people in my circle of people who discuss the concepts of body-image and media’s distorted portrayal, I can buy that argument–I mean it’s pretty obvious. But also, every individual has their own standards at which they feel attractive. Exercising gives me energy, which is the number one important thing to me.

And I’d like to be completely honest here, I don’t feel comfortable when I gain weight. It’s been a long time since it’s happened, like maybe when I was still just a vegetarian who drank too much beer, but if I put on too much fat on my hips it literally hurts. It’s not something I can get used to. Ever.  Everyone has their own level of comfort, their own level of standards for what makes them feel and look good.

So yeah, now that I’m done with that tangent, I ran today not just to defy Charlie and his stupid horse in my leg, but because I have a couple of mini-crushes and it’s good to always be prepared. One never knows where a crush may lead. . . (except in Man-less May, it’s pretty obvious it’s at least going to lead into June.)