10 Randoms: Slow and Fast Recovery.

24 10 2012

1.) It’s weird when the world around you keeps going and all you want to do is sleep.

2.) When I’m sick, I realize I often use the wrong words, like I’ll write “told” instead of “so” or “my” instead of “me” etc.

3.) I’m feeling better. But am I feeling better enough to dress up like a panda for work?

4.) I need more focus. I think I need to hire a life coach.

5.) Or I need to read that book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It’s on my to-do list. . . well, not yet, once I figure out where I put my to-do list I will put it on there.

6.) I’ve also come to discover that if I feel like something isn’t good enough just as what it is, I always make it into something more. For example, my job. All the stories and weirdness and lack of monetary gain cannot be kept secret, thus I’m turning it into a tv show. Sure, these first drafts probably suck ass but at least I’m doing something with it. Same goes for my dating life. There is a slight chance that with in the next few months I will be exposing it to the world. But you won’t know it’s me, so don’t worry.

7.) Oh dating. Sort of glad I got sick so I could take a break from that. Maybe it happened just for that very reason.

8.) There really are a lot of people in the world who I find not very attractive. I’m not saying that they are unattractive, just that I don’t find them attractive. I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel the same way about me.

9.) I started watching Sons of Anarchy as per suggested by a friend, the only reason I keep watching it is because of this guy. My new boyfriend.


10.) I’m pretty sure I am the only person on earth who has such an eclectic taste in who I’m attracted to, even though I’m so not attracted to so many people. But there are a lot of people in the world. I’m just saying, based off of my recent record of dating, no one could pinpoint a type for me. Seriously though, that guy minus the facial hair would be my #1 go-to. And yeah, then, Jake Gyllenhaal. You hear that Jake, you’ve been demoted.

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10 Randoms: Wanking Off Into the Future.

2 10 2012

1.) I’ve started reading this book at my store called Blow Him Away and it’s actually really fascinating—and not because it explains how to give good head. Actually, it’s written from a speech therapist’s point of view and it focuses more on the strength of my mouth, lips, and tongue, which isn’t something I’d ever really thought about. Particularly, I’ve never really thought about where my tongue is supposed to sit in my mouth. Like, I thought it sat wherever it naturally felt comfortable, but that isn’t necessarily right.

It’s supposed to rest on the roof of your mouth not resting against your top teeth and not resting against your bottom row of teeth.

If it rests in the proper spot it’s supposed to help you breathe better and prevent snoring. Awesome thing to know.

2.) I have this weird thing where I think that the coffee mug I pick for the day will somehow determine the mood I will be in after I drink said coffee. Like it’s rainbow coffee mug day or it’s a cute puppy dog mug day. And really I don’t think it does anything. Today my mug is blue. Just blue. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

3.) I read this short article on Jezebel the other day about a store opening up in Japan that caters to women wanking off. It was funny because someone left a comment that said something along the lines of, “oh, create a woman-only store and then fill it with dicks because that’s all women want anyway.” Haha. I don’t know about that. There are a lot of sex toys not shaped like penises, but if I personally don’t think I’d ever want to go to a bar where a bunch of women are sitting around masturbating. Unless I wanted a good laugh. Because honestly, sex is comical, particularly when done solo.

4.) If something in my day switches my mood I seriously think about running away. I am not mature.  Also, I never imagine my existence actually affecting those around me. Like, nothing I do actually does anything to anyone’s way of life. I’m just sort of here. But I don’t think that can be right. I think that must be a cowardly thing to think.

5.) This guy just rode by on his bike and he looked very familiar. He’s a tall broad black man with blonde dreads, pretty distinguishable. Then I remembered. He comes into the store like once a month fucked up beyond words, drunk, high on who knows what. Usually in a cowboy hat. I don’t know if he ever actually buys anything or if he just comes in trying to come down before heading home. It was weird to see him riding a bike. There are places people belong and then places they belong again but witnessing them out of the usual place makes the second place appear unreasonable even dreamlike—though not entirely unreal.

6.) Back to my future. I know I’ve discussed this quite a bit on here, but I think I’m narrowing it down more and more as the days linger on.

Here are my current options:

continue writing television show—finish show—find someone to produce it (however that works) get it on air. Work on getting my sex education certificate. Teach seminars. Become a representative of a well-made sex toy company. Travel all over selling that particular brand. Write books. More seminars.

My other idea is to return to Kansas and become an organic farmer. But I’m thinking it would be best to wait until my mother retires so she can help me. As long as she retires with her sanity (you can do that, right, mom?). I mean I’d be in my late 30’s, early 40’s I think that’s like the perfect age for organic farming. I’ll grow hops and blueberries and strawberries and make delicious fruity beer and just get drunk off the land all day. Yeah, perfect plan. (The Kansas thing may be the hardest part in this scenario.)

7.) My tarot card reading for the day looks very promising. I got several strong cards including XVIII The Sun (accomplishment/Love), X Wheel of Fortune (Destiny, Advancement, Unexpected events),  XXI The World (Perfection, just rewards for hard work) and for my “future future” the Nine of Cups (success, abundance, wishes fulfilled).  Must make this a blue mug kind of day!

8.) Here’s a mega-life problem I’m running into. Ever since graduate school when I uncovered the pitfalls of monogamy I’ve realized that I am not monogamy material. This can be proven by my series of terrible mistakes made against past boyfriends—though the last one I was actually faithful to (a big switcheroo happened there). But, on the other hand, I’m not really into polyamory either. I tried it. And maybe I need to try it again just to be sure. But I’m pretty sure I do not have the time or energy to invest in that sort of dynamic. Unless I’m like the secondary in a triad and can just hang out in their cottage house all day and write and grow hops and drink beer. Then maybe I could handle it.

But now, when I actually sort of kind of like a guy I don’t know how to deal. Because I’m an attention whore. I want him (everyone) to give me all of the attention. Yet, I can’t be a hypocrite and claim non-monogamy and yet want him to not like anyone else when I know deep down that I will at some point get bored and want to explore other options. AHH! WTF?! I must stop liking people. That will solve that.

9.) I get sick pleasure in seeing receding hairlines in men that I used to know.

10.) Season 5 of Gossip Girl is now on netflix. XOXO.

Sex: What I am and am not looking for.

28 08 2012

It was just this morning when I realized that even though I get paid poorly (see what I did there) since starting work at the sex store in March I have, in some way, shape, or form gotten hundreds of people off. So, I am making the world a much more pleasurable pleasant place. AND I don’t even have to touch anyone to do it—just point them in the right direction. How grand!

It’s weird being single there.

I can’t decide if it’s an advantage—because I can sell more sex toys—or a disadvantage—because a big chunk (with the biggest chunkiest wallets) are couples.

But it doesn’t really matter because my plan is to stay “mostly single” for a long time.

By “mostly single” I mean that I am currently looking specifically for one friend-with-benefits for the fall.

Cool weather is on the way and I need a convenient reliable person specifically for sex and Netflix watching and nothing else really. I have work and working out and writing to do. I can’t be distracted by a full-blown relationship.  And I’m not going to want to go to the bars all the time—it is expensive and is becoming kind of boring. Also, I’m probably going to move out of Denver in the winter. So . . . what I don’t understand is why this friends w/ benefits thing is hard for others to accept and or really desire.

Like, theoretically people seem fine with it, but once one actually wants to do the FWB thing the other one seems to freak out somehow. I don’t know if it’s because people deep down want an “all or nothing” sort of thing or what. Perhaps all people secretly want other people to love them completely even if they are not capable of giving that kind of love.

Really I am about to give up on the whole concept all together. It’s technically designed to fail, and that’s sort of the beauty in it. For it to fail successfully both people must accept the fact that it’s going to end—whether by mutual agreement (the best kind), one or the other falling deep for someone else (the second best kind), or one or the other falling too deep for the other (the worst kind). If both people are conscious of any of these things happening it can be a successful relationship.

Relationships do not have to be designed to last a lifetime. I don’t know why people are so stuck on this notion. I mean, okay, I guess I do know why since it’s engrained into our psyches from the earliest of ages (think Disney movies etc). But just like our concepts of sexual orientation—that started out in a very binary structure—gay/straight but has now developed into more and more concepts LGTBQQP etc. so too can our concepts of relationship structures. Like how I’m a pansexual ethical slut. Or at least try to be.

Pansexual does not mean I will fuck anything that moves. It means I am attracted to people regardless of their gender identity. Which means, I’m attracted to pretty people. And I’m not talking about just physical appearance (though that helps); I’m talking about who they are as people—their intelligence, their humor, their overall demeanor.

Ethical Slut means that I attempt to be completely open and honest in all relationship dynamics that I have by telling the person I am attracted to what I am looking for so they are not lead into a false situation and can then decide themselves whether or not they are looking for the same thing. I am trying to get better at this. Pure honesty is hard sometimes, but it always feels the best in the end.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is that if by the fall I have yet to establish a consistent FWB I will probably give up until the spring and at least be reassured (because of my full-time job) that other people are having a good time—and sometimes that’s all one can get.

10 Random Thoughts: Friday the 13th is only as bad as you make it.

13 04 2012

1. I know I’ve become enmeshed in the sex toy scene when I start to wear cock rings as bracelets. Also, if I didn’t have a dirty mind before… goddess o goddess every thing people say now becomes a perverted joke… particularly if the word “come” is in the sentence–which happens more times than one would realize.

2. White trash moment, finally did it: white tank top with dark bra.

3. Yesterday this 90 year old man came in with a 90 year old woman and bought like 5 porno magazines; it was the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

4. I was supposed to go on a lunch date today, but it got canceled. I didn’t realize he couldn’t make it until I was already there (I rode my almost-brakeless bike for an adventure) so I had lunch by myself. I’m getting better at this solo stuff, woot.

5. While there the table next to me, was of course, having an “awesome” conversation. I am beginning to wonder if there will ever come a time when people don’t say sentences that begin, “well, women are like ___ and men are like ____.” I hope so. That’ll be a good day.

6. Why is Friday the 13th supposed to be bad-luck? Because of Jason? Okay. I went and looked it up–there aren’t very good reasons, they mainly have to do with money and white dudes.

7. Remember Nightmare on Elm Street and Freddy Kruger? I always get Jason and Freddy mixed up. Which movie series do I like more? I couldn’t answer that.

8. But, speaking of the Kruger family. I prefer Barbara Kruger out of all of them– she really tickles my toes. And she’s scary, but in a good way.

9. What scares me the most. . . hmm. Tough one. The perpetual idea that I will fail at what I really want to do, thus I have created an environment that distracts me from actually pursuing said want, and in turn, have created that exact failure, therefor I am living a life that should be scary but isn’t because I haven’t yet come to terms with the fact that I have given up without ever actually starting. Eww. That is depressing. I don’t want to think about it.

10. Today I will get one step closer to figuring out what I actually want to do with my life. I will draw up to four different scenarios of my future and I will gaze at them for at least a week and see which one I feel most drawn to. This will help. It must.

6 Random Thoughts: About. Everything. Nothing. In. Between.

6 03 2012

1) Giving up OK Cupid has opened so much free time. I’ve been able to read books! Books I say! And I got a job! A freaking job! About time I know. I think I just needed to refocus my energies and also spend more time with myself. Initially I thought that going out and meeting new people would help me realize more about myself and what I wanted from life, but really I think just spending an huge amount of time alone is helping so much more.

2) I cannot begin to describe how excited I am to start my new job. I am going to be working at a store that sells pleasurable sensual sexual products. This has been something I’ve wanted to do for like 10 years. And I’m finally doing it!

3) I’ve also always wanted to be a bartender and last night my dreams came true for like 30 minutes. Because the bartender is in llloovvveeeee with my roommate he let me take over so he could flirt with her more. I love that he’s in love with her because we got hammered for really cheap. Also–I worked for drinks and all my roomie had to do was be cute and clever.

4)I did dishes! DISHES. I am not a big fan of dishes, so much not a fan that I used to claim I was allergic to dish soap to get out of doing them. Maybe if my mom would have tempted me with a fruity cocktail as my reward I would have not been so allergic.

5) This warm weather revealed that I no longer own any sandals, well I didn’t own any until I bought a new pair today. Wee. New shoes for better weather.

6) I need a nap.

Good night.