Why I’m Not Having Sex (with you).

28 03 2012

I just got an email from Health.com that read, “10 Reasons Why You’re Not Having Sex” and I’d just like to point out that they are wrong. Those are not the 10 reasons why I’m not having sex.

These are the 10 reasons I’m not having sex.

1.) I am alone.

Currently I am living the single life. I know this doesn’t usually stop people, but lately I haven’t really felt like giving it up to randoms.

2.) My bed is too comfortable.

I sleep diagonally and I really don’t want anyone to ruin that for me.

3.) My lack of meds is turning me into a crazy person.

I went off birth control at the beginning of October and it’s turned me a little nutty. Mood swings, up and down desires, zits, emotional roller-coasters, fun times such as that. I’m glad that I’m getting it out of my system but since my period isn’t regular yet, I don’t want to add any one else to my potential “baby-daddy” list right now.

4.) My not-very-busy life-style. 

I am boring. The end.

5.) I am too sexy.

The article talked about body-image issues and you know what, I’m tired of that excuse. We all have our hang-ups. There are things I don’t like about my body (depending on the lighting) but I accept my body and I try to take care of it–and if that’s not good enough for someone else than they don’t deserve to enjoy it.

6.) I’m addicted to my vibrator! 

Well, not yet, because I just got it last night. But I could be very soon and I’m okay with that. It’s safer, more reliable, we don’t have to talk about anything, I can change the speed and pulsation at a click of a button, it fits in a drawer, it’s a one-time purchase that will last me for years without any arguments. So yeah, addicted–no, but I don’t see the problem with it being my source of orgasm as opposed to some stranger I could pick up at a bar (and then not even get off with).

7.) I smell.

Maybe people just aren’t attracted to my pheremones or my hairy armpits.

8.) I’m a cyborg!

Part of the problem is that I spend too much time online and not enough time in the real world. Sure, I have plenty of online dating messages, but none of them ever seem to pan out, even after we meet. Perhaps online dating creates too much pressure, or it just feels forced, or the connection is just never there.

9. Crushed-Out.

I can’t decide if I have a crush on this one particular person or if I actually do not. If I do then I’m going about it all wrong. If I don’t than it’s all fine and dandy. I don’t know if this is necessarily preventing me from having sex, but it’s in the back of my mind when I meet other people. Not that I care to ever be monogamous again, but developing a stronger relationship with some people over others is still a priority for me-if said person is worth that stronger development.

I know that I shouldn’t have a crush on this person because we’re actually probably not a very good fit. We each have other more compatible people out there in the world for us. But I can’t help it. And it’s sad to me when a crush fades so maybe I’m just trying to hold onto that feeling because I like the feeling, not because the crush is ever going to develop into anything.

10.) I am lazy (and picky) 

Sex takes a lot of effort and energy and time and care and consideration. And I don’t think I have much of any of that right now. So. Besides my on-going affair with Tango I plan to stay sex-free for awhile.

So take THAT Health.com I don’t need to do it with anyone else to be happy and content and fulfilled. I mean, yes, it could be nice, COULD be, but I’m not going to get all worried about it if it’s not happening with anyone. I’ll just be happy and content and fulfilled with myself.

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Single Them Out and Find Me a Blind Date Love Connection.

21 03 2012

Was there ever a dating show where other people selected dates for the contestant? I mean, the classic Love Connection voted on the 3 but had no real say. Singled Out at least narrowed it down a bit. Blind Date…sssooo gggooooddd. Pretty sure a girl from my high school was on that once. It was set in California so almost everyone was a “struggling actress” of some kind. I am not an actress; I am struggling though, so there’s that.

I want someone to log into my OKC account and pick me a winner. I am serious.

If done right this would be an amazing dating show. Best friend’s Choice.

Oh, I remember now there was a show on MTV awhile ago where a parent went on the date with the couple. That was awkward. I’d let my mom pick out a guy (which she has and that didn’t go over well–not her fault, the guy was just crazy) but I would never go out with a person AND my mom at the same time. Now, if she wanted to go on the first date for me and I wouldn’t even have to be there, I’d totally let her do that. I’d let anyone go on the first date for me. I find those introductory conversations mundane. I don’t care to talk about myself. And they’re usually very surface. Which is why other people could take over for me and it wouldn’t even matter. The person would probably even want to go on a second date if I wasn’t actually on the first one. ha.

Don’t worry people, this is not taking over my life again, though it’s really difficult for me not to write back snarky comments, particularly when they say things like, “hey wanna watch me skype;” why the fuck would I want to do that?

I finally found my book in my word docs and I’m going to re-read it and start fixing it THIS VERY DAY. It’s time. It’s calling for me.

But yeah, anyway, back to my point, who better to pick a good date than a good friend. They probably know better anyway. I currently have four options, so if any of you reading this right now want to help make my selection for the week, let me know!

(some entertainment for you. . .I wish she had a fetish for cowboy boots that would have made the date so much better)





Giving. Up.

23 02 2012

I grew up without a strong religious background. My mom has actually said to me that she regrets not taking me to church. Now I don’t know if this comment comes from me being a completly immoral person or from the fact that I don’t believe in the father almighty god up above.

Either way. My mom and my mom’s side of the family is catholic.

And my dad’s is like a non-practicing “christian,” I guess. I don’t know. I have never really discussed my dad’s religious beliefs with him.

What I’m getting at though is not necessarily believing in some higher-power, though it’s fine and dandy if you do or your don’t.

It’s the beauty of rituals.

When you have no religion, you also don’t have any rituals. Unless you create them for yourself. Or find them in something else.

Capitalism is a perfect example of finding rituals in something else. . .and capitalism so often directly correlates with religious events–Christmas is a prime example. You don’t have to believe in “god” to believe in Christmas. The ritual of shopping on Black Friday, the ritual of opening presents etc. etc.

What I like though are the religions that give things up.

So. The catholics, as an example, with their over-indulgences on Fat Tuesday followed by a supposed fasting on Wednesday then 40 days without something.

I may not believe in their beliefs but I believe that there could be something to some of these ritualistic types of behaviors.

I think our over-indulgent, narcissistic, pleasure-seeking country could use more giving up.

I don’t know if we give giving-up enough credit.

There’s something in the letting go that seems to be not just spiritual but necessary for health.

I read somewhere that people actually live longer if they eat less. And that it’s good to fast often.

I feel like giving up something for whatever length of time helps reveal if that thing is necessary to a fulfilling life. For example, I gave up meat. And I don’t need it to feel complete.

Here are some things I’m currently considering giving up:

Alcohol

Facebook

Salt

Stress

Sex

Dating

Work (oh wait, already did that)

Coffee

Sugar

Negativity

Yeah, I could probably live without all of those things, but what would I miss? If I gave them up how long would I be able to go without before caving in? Which one should I try first? I’m thinking about de-activating my OK Cupid profile because I’m tired of dating. And I think I might be addicted to dating, which is a terribly boring thing to be addicted to. I feel like I should focus more of my time on developing stronger relationships with my friends I already have, the problem is I’d have to give up on my other website devoted to bad online messages. If someone would want to take it over for a month or two that would be awesome!

Also I’ve been drinking too much. This is directly related to my social life. Yes. I am aware I do not NEED to drink to have fun. But I do have fun when I’m drunk. So, if I gave up drinking for like 2 weeks or a month or something perhaps I could re-learn how to balance it a little bit better in my life. I can replace drinking with dancing. Maybe I’d lose my now well-developed beer belly.

In the end, I’ll probably just give up, giving-up. Because old habits die hard. As the cliche goes.

Maybe I should give up cliches.

That would at least improve my writing. . .





Live. Sexy. Random. Video. Blog.

8 02 2012

Because I don’t feel like typing today:





Know. Know.

7 02 2012

I was talking to this cute Rottweiler/Lab mix last night about Foucault and his theory of the eye of power. I was like, “yo dog, how do you know the things that you know?” And the dog looked at me and was like, “because my master tells me so.” And so we agreed.

I’ve seen quite a few people fall lately. The other night we left the bar and this doode grabbed my roommate’s ass. I did not see this. But I did see him seconds later run smack into a pole. Just like in the cartoons. It was so amazing. Then, I think he must have had a concussion or something because he was standing by his car, drunk as fuck like he was going to actually DRIVE, and he pulled down his pants and tried to show us his balls. Of course they were so small we couldn’t see a thing. Falling changes people.

 

I like not wearing a bra if I have on the right kind of shirt.

I have been craving tofu all day. This proves I am indeed vegan. Though, back in undergrad when I was just a sad regular vegetarian  I used to eat bowls of carrots covered with sunflower seeds and italian dressing every time I got drunk. People used to get really weirded out by that. I’m telling you all it’s delicious. I need to go to the grocery store. I am a professional at putting that off. Yesterday I made hummus and finally got the consistency right, but I am out of anything to dip in it. I do not know why I bothered making hummus knowing I had nothing to dip in it. You know, people don’t use the word “dip” to describe other people as often as they should. I’m going to attempt to bring it back.

Does this seem like one of the longest weeks so far to anyone else?

Maybe it was just because yesterday was so long and I barely slept. I blame my roommate and her friends for this problem. But she brought me hash browns this afternoon so I am not complaining.

Coffee makes me go weeeeeee (and yes I mean that in multiple ways). 

The new Dr. Dog album isn’t bad. Though it sounds a lot like their old album. I guess if you got something good, don’t change it.

Speaking of change. I’m quite enjoying being platinum blonde. I’ve never been this blonde before and yeah, assholes, it’s fun. I can pull off red. I love wearing red now. I even bought a new pair of red glasses and I can’t wait until they get here and get on my face.

Fuck. I’m going to take a shower and put on clothes, though I don’t really want to and I wonder why and how people do it so often. But I’m trying to adapt. I’m trying to fit in. Why won’t you all just accept me for the pantless lover that I am?





You Say Either, I Say Either: Why Our Generation Could Never Have a When Harry Met Sally.

27 01 2012

We all know the scene where Harry tells Sally that men and women can never be friends. Just friends. Because the sex part always gets in the way.

But. Could we argue today, that with all the gender deconstruction, the openness to pansexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, that technically, no one could be “just” friends because the sex part always gets in the way? The argument being if you’re friends with someone you have to be attracted to them on some level. And eventually that attraction might lead to some sort of physical intimacy. And that physical intimacy could eventually lead to awkwardness and then the end of the friendship.

If that’s the theory than we couldn’t have any friends.

Right?

Or we could all be friends. And not let sex be the deciding factor in determining who we want to spend a majority of our time with.

I just started reading Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, which is basically an argument against human monogamy as “the only way.”

Now, I’m only like 100 pages in and know little about the authors and their expertise, but I am fascinated by the concepts of egalitarianism. For example, if we were more of a sharing culture, like humans were when they were nomads or our relative the bonobos (pygmy chimps) are now, we’d be a much calmer, happier bunch. Theoretically. There would be less territorial fighting, less possessiveness, more caring, more thoughtfulness, more clan-like collective development of children so they could survive and thrive easier. And more sex.

So. Are we getting to a point in our society where we can ditch old concepts of monogamy, and become more of a collective sharing community? A place where we are all friends; friends who may or may not have intimate physical relationships with each other? Or is it still too much?

What’s wrong with friends with benefits within a community?

Not just random people from bars or online dating. But like a tribe. A Clan. Like whatever clique you’re in now, why can’t it just be lots of friends with lots of benefits? Not just sexual. But the deeper connections, the sharing of ups and downs, etc. Why does sex often mess things up?

Are we still stuck in this deep-rooted puritanical individualist capitalist consumer culture where we feel ownership over another person? Particularly after that person shares sexy time? As if sexy time demands more seriousness than say a deep conversation over Foucault and the institutionalization of learning or whatever. Why don’t we get possessive over that?

“Johnny! Johnny! Were you just talking to Patty about cyborg feminism? I thought you only talked to ME about cyborg feminism? How dare you!!!! I will NO LONGER have any sort of meaningful conversation with you from NOW on.”

Exactly.

I don’t know. I feel like I could go on and on about this topic. So I’m just going to stop for today. Feel free to comment below or email me privately to discuss.