Oh. My. Goth.

20 07 2012

So, I guess this is the summer of trying new things. Maybe my entire life should just be about trying new things. Seems like a more adventurous sense of existence than just staying in the same scene doing the same shit all the time. Anyway. I went to my first ever GOTH BAR the other night when I got off of work. I wasn’t planning to go to a GOTH BAR, but was convinced and so it happened. I obviously didn’t fit in, but luckily I had worn a black shirt that day so at least there was a partial blend.

I’m learning how to fit in everywhere without fitting in anywhere.

I am a floater. I have no identity. Or my identity rests in the ability to identify with all people on some level.

Not just a reader of books but a reader of people. Is that weird?

I can see how some people might be intimidated by the Goth community, with their pale pale skin, they’re dark dark makeup, the platforms, the leather, the ethereal dancing, but that’s all outward appearance. Just like any other group these people want a place they belong, a place of acceptance, a place of relate-ability. And through they’re appearance they’re able to find other likeminded souls easier.

Though it’s not my style I had a great time. Perhaps because I currently don’t have much style I find intrigue in people who do.

Okay. It’s not that I don’t have style, but I feel like I’m exploring all these new places in an attempt to figure out what I do and do not like in regards to representing myself. I’m free to do whatever I want, be whoever I want, go wherever I want—and sometimes, even though this is an amazing time it my life, it can be overwhelming. (There are indeed many styles, places, things out there).

So, I’m going to be chill. I’m going to go out there and have adventures. I’m going to explore places I have never been, be around people I never thought I’d get along with, and I’m going to see where it leads.

Just the other day I swapped spit with the best kisser of my life (this is a major feat as I’ve kissed many people) and he isn’t really the type of guy I generally go for. Look what happens when one tries new things. Magic! Surprises! Entertainment!

The biggest question now is, what do I do next?

Black. Lipstick.

6 02 2012

Give me a topic, a hot topic, not like the store that place is a hot-goth-wanna-be-mess; I used to shop there, it was my favorite so dark so cool I probably spent the most money there than anywhere else in regards to clothes and such when I had disposable moneys though isn’t all money disposable anyway I mean really it’s so obscure a number system that chains us to a system we don’t really enjoy, a date once said to me that money is a tool I think that’s the best way to look at it, maybe not the best way, but it makes it seem less controlling that way. I just cleaned the bathroom it took me like 3 minutes I should probably clean more often–I am not lazy there are just other things more appealing to do   vogue is full of weirdness just layer a bunch of textures together on your body and you’re in it to win it I don’t have weird enough clothes I’ll never be cool but that’s ok I have my dignity not really but that’s ok too I’ll just be or let it be or is it out is be become being leaving like a leaf in a bad season don’t be the reason to flee from treason oooohhhhh ladededadeedeeda not a word but a hum a sad song sung alone in a brightly lit room with echos echoing from room to room with feet going numb from sitting on being sat on being smashed by body mass I need to free write in a new space or find a place that gives me less freedom sometimes it’s too much so there is nothing here at all that’s why I need a topic, not like hot topic but maybe a word or a phrase or an idea that can stir something a little more restrained with like more punctuation and stuff; I like chipped finger nail polished fingers and uncombed hair but I don’t work for vogue so what do I know put sequins and faux fur together and you’re onto something, add some shoulder pads to your elbows and you’re really there– wear a slip with combat boots lace with tree bark limbs sticking out every which way blush made from the left-overs of kate hudsons dinner soup don’t soap it off leave it to be licked off by the dogs of some d-list celebrity on a reality tv show that people will only watch six years later and never ever recognize you the straw that breaks my back is a futon bar up my ass do people still do it up the ass I wonder how often that happens core power to the rescue in the black and white flames of downward leaping cougar side angle split dog don’t spit on my homegirl she got moves you ain’t never seen and will never see cuz she keeps it clean while driving around on electric gasoline that’s one of those cars that go both ways like me but more than both, like all ways because there are always more than two choices, more than two kinds of people, places, things, ideas, and love should be multiplied not divided. But I’d never be a wife of any kind. I wouldn’t even play one in a movie, unless they paid me tons of money. I don’t have any secrets because I am a secret no one sees me even if front of these huge windows. I am not the fairest of them all but I am pretty pale. I’m growing little hairs in places new it’s either a getting older thing or an off-the-hormones thing either way I will not shave. I will be furry hairy old lady with blue eye shadow and a mustache if need be. Juxtaposition. Balance. The combination of that which is considered feminine with that which is considered masculine. I like it. The androgyny. Better than misogyny. Or bigotry. Words that shouldn’t even be written because they lack positivity and that’s what I’m about this year. Ha. Not really. Considering becoming a Satanist but they probably wouldn’t take me because of all the money I at one time gave to hot topic which just sort of mocks them. I need a new topic.